


Serendipity

by LittleSwanLover



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, But angst that makes the fluffy moments really fluffy, But together they can overcome anything, Cover Art, Developing Friendships, Did I Mention Angst?, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Family Drama, Family Secrets, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Healing From Past Abuse, Learning to be Loved, Learning to be vulnerable, Learning to trust, Mentions Suicide, Minor Character Death, Parent Evil Queen | Regina Mills, Parent-Child Relationship, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Child Abuse, Regina considers the idea of love in her life-but is being cautious, Regina has secrets-but so does Emma, Sensitive Issues, Spanking, Things are not always what they seem, Young Emma, eventual mom regina, mentions past rape, sister drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2019-10-30 03:58:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 128,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17821445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSwanLover/pseuds/LittleSwanLover
Summary: What if two people who came from broken were both trying to figure out how good could come from that only to find family and healing in each other? Or where Regina is a lonely doctor with a dark past that left a little serendipity on her doorstep one night when she least expected it. Child Emma. This is that story.A/U – No magic.





	1. The Secret

 

 

** Warnings and disclaimer: I strongly suggest you not skip reading this.  
**

_What these characters represent are near and dear to my heart because in them I have placed myself and some of my past. There are many struggles that go on for both of the main characters, Regina and Emma, which I have spent a great deal of my life working out. The characters are flawed and raw. They are a mix of the adult me and the little girl inside of me who struggled to find where she belonged. There is exploration of that 'need' in here, as well as spanking of a fictional minor by a maternal figure. I do not support nor condone spanking of actual children. Rather I placed the context of that need some adults experience through the emotional healing that spanking can offer as a means to letting go of built up feelings through the eyes of Emma in this story. If that bothers you in a fictional setting, then this story is not for you and please read no further._

_I am a bit anxious to share this as I wrote this many, many years ago in a different form, but I have decided it was time to rewrite, edit and share it in a new way. It offered me some healing from my past and I hope it is able to help some others out there who are searching to understand how finding love, discipline, and family can change a life. I hope you enjoy it. I welcome constructive feedback, comments or questions._

_~*~_

**_Chapter 1 - The Secret_ **

 ~*~

"A doctor’s daughter and you behave like this? What would your mother think?" The newly appointed Principal asked her wayward student. She had not had the pleasure of having this girl in her office before, but from the rather thick file on her desk she clasped her hands over, the girl was no stranger to being referred here. The ten year old sitting across from her stiffened and angry green eyes glared back.

"I don't know. My mother left me when I was seven." Emma Mills said through gritted teeth. She felt her face flush after revealing that detail. It was a raw spot of heart she never liked to think about—especially lately.

The principal looked down and went over Emma's file again. Somewhat uncomfortable due to her own fault of assumption. The woman shifted in her seat. "I see, well, your Aunt is a doctor then. I assumed she was your mother—"

“Well you’re wrong.” Emma all but spat in her upset. While the adoption that assumption had caused happened years ago, it was also another tender spot she sometimes struggled to understand her full feelings of. What had set her off today to earn a summons to this office was nothing any one could help her with. It hurt too much. The past sucked that way and its return and the confusion she felt over it only made her tummy ache. She then regretted her tone at the woman’s next words.

The principal sighed, leaning forward in her leather swivel chair. "Your aunt then will be notified of your behavior.” Emma sank a bit in the chair and the action caused her eyes to soften. “And your teacher will go over the details of the essay you will be writing as a consequence.”

“But—“ Emma started to protest.

“Or you may sit in detention during recess next week.” Her original consequence intended until the details of the girl’s file made her second guess herself. Something about this girl called for patience and understanding.

A pout. “No thanks. I’ll write it.”

 “You may return to class then and I do not want to see you in my office for this again, alright?"

Emma kept her eyes downcast and nodding, slid off the overstuffed chair. The rest of her school day went by slowly and by the time the final bell rang she was slowly becoming anxious. Emma quickly gathered her things into her purple backpack, including the essay assignment her teacher had gone over with her, and headed outside into the bright afternoon sunshine. Despite being the month of October, the weather in Arizona was in the mid nineties. Emma wiped the sweat from her forehead and reached for her water bottle her aunt always insisted she keep with her and realized she forgotten it at home that day. Suddenly, her best friend Ruby waved from the familiar silver van, calling her over.

Since her Aunt Regina often worked well into the evenings at the office during the week, Emma usually went with Ruby to her house where they would do their homework and play until Regina picked her up later that day. Emma opened the van sliding door and slipped inside. "Hey Ruby! Sorry I missed you at recess; I had to talk to the Principal about something."

"It’s okay, I can't wait to show you my new video game—" Ruby said excitedly and was interrupted by her Granny.

"Ruby you are grounded from your game box for a few days, remember? Besides Emma isn't coming home with us today." Granny Lucas explained as she shifted the van into gear and pulled out of the school parking lot.

"She's not?"

"I'm not?" The two children asked simultaneously.

"Your aunt asked that I drop you off by her office today." Ruby’s Granny explained.

"What'd you do?" Ruby asked in a whisper.

 Emma turned her face toward the window to hide the tears forcing their way to tease her eyes. But they never fell. They never did on their own. She focused on counting the palm trees passing to keep the lid on the full bottle of confusing feelings fizzing inside her. One… Two... Three… she was struggling to untwist the cap of it in a way that wouldn’t explode like earlier.

~*~

"Look Mary-Margaret we have been friends for a long time and as Emma's teacher I respect your opinion. I apologize for her behavior and language, and I will be speaking with her about her poor choices." Regina said and sipped on her caramel nonfat latte, and pushed a stray strand of her long dark hair behind her ear.

Today she wore it pulled up off her face and into a stylish twist. Tired brown eyes scanned a list of patients to be seen next week as she listened to the concern on the other end of the line. She had on a pair of burgundy slacks, and a short sleeved cream blouse. Her matching waist coat rested on the back of her chair. Despite all the air-conditioning, after a long day, her office was beginning to get stuffy. She shook her head and tapped her pen against her desk, as was her habit when she was upset over something.

"I know. I am a holistic doctor. I work with children and I have a PHD, I know what the _'experts'_ think.” Regina more than did on the matter of discipline her friend was going on about, though her niece was different than most children. While her approach was considered old fashioned it worked between them. Done with the conversation entirely she sought to end it quickly. “Now, I really do have to get going. Thank you again so much for taking some extra time to fill me in and I will make sure she has that essay done for you by Monday morning....Take care....you too." Regina pressed the end call button on her cell and sighed heavily, resting her face in her hands.

 _'What am I going to do with this child?'_ She thought to herself and rubbed her temples to fight off a pending headache. The principal had called her earlier that day about her niece's behavior. After her last patient of the day, Regina had called her friend, who was also Emma's fourth grade teacher to discuss the matter thoroughly. Regina opened her laptop to begin that day's client paperwork when her secretary buzzed her office.

"Doctor Mills, your niece is here," said a voice from the speaker on her desk.

Regina touched a button, "Send her in please."

The large mahogany door opened a minute later and Emma popped a head in. "Come in here Emma, and shut the door behind you please." Regina instructed and took off her dark reading glasses.

Emma eased herself in and shut the door with a soft click, but stayed rooted to the spot. Regina gestured to the blue leather armchair in front of her desk and Emma quietly took off her backpack and went over to sit down.

"Emma, I spoke to your principal and your teacher today. I was not very happy with what I heard.” Regina began rather firmly, but lost that tone within the wide eyed gaze across from her. That troubled, veiled look she was more than familiar with. More gently she continued. “Now, I know you and I know that something must be bothering you in order for you to behave like you did. Am I right?" Regina asked and leaned forward, resting her crossed arms on her desk. Her niece was not one to open up readily, nor was she; something they were both working on. Even after three years together Emma was still a puzzle to her in some ways.

Emma bit her lip so hard it nearly bled as she shook her head to her aunt's inquiry, her blonde curling ponytail loosened a bit from its tie.

"No? Well, then I want to hear a valid explanation for your behavior today." When Emma didn't respond Regina stood and went around her desk and leaned against it in classic teacher pose. She cupped her niece’s chin in hand and lifted so their eyes met. "I asked you a question Emma and I do not like being ignored." Regina reminded.

"I'm sorry.” Emma began and dropped her shoulders as she blew her bangs off her forehead. “Can we go home? I mean, I want to talk to you at home, please?" Emma asked and pulled her face away.

Regina sighed, "Alight we will continue this discussion later, but I need to get a few things done here first and I believe you have an essay to write. Go ahead and get started while I finish up." She said relenting to her niece's request. Regina kissed Emma's forehead and ruffled her hair gently before going back behind her desk to work.

Emma opened her backpack pulling out her notebook and began to write, about different ways she could express herself when she was angry _._ After a good hour of working Emma stopped and watched as her aunt’s slim fingers effortlessly skimmed across the surface of a laptop. Those hands were always manicured, soft and scented with a sweet lotion smelling of apples. Emma marveled at the fact that those same hands could console her when she cried and stroke her hair in affection, but also correct her on some occasions when she had blown it. She wondered if today was such a day.

"I'm almost done here sweetheart. You can put your things away now." Regina instructed, awakening Emma from the daydream. The child gathered pencils and notebook and stuffed them in a back pack while she shut down her computer and put a few files into her briefcase to take home.

Regina grabbed her purse and water bottle and noticed that the corner pouch on Emma’s backpack was missing the matching purple plastic bottle. "Where is your water bottle Emma?"

"I forgot it at home.” Emma mumbled and opened the door to leave the office.

Regina followed and pulled it tight to lock up. "It's too hot and dry here for you to be without water. It's the desert Emma, and it's very important for you to be properly hydrated. I do not want you getting sick."

"Jeez I won't.” Emma snapped her head lost in the emotions of the day.

Regina's brown eyes flashed at the sharp tone. And she frowned at the flash of green returned her way. “Emma.”

“It’s a stupid bottle and a stupid rule. Just leave me alone about it." Emma crossed her arms and found herself being led to the sofa in the waiting area of her aunt’s office. The room was empty except for the two of them as Regina's secretary had gone home already.

The woman seated herself on the sofa and took up both of her niece’s hands, "I have a feeling the bottle is not what has you speaking to me this way.” Green eyes narrowed at her confirming that thought and Regina continued. “Nevertheless, you will not take that tone with me. It is disrespectful and you know better."

Emma frowned, once again regretting her choice of tone for the third time that day. She could feel hot tears burning below her eyes, and like before they never fell, but her chin fell to her chest. She was surprised she was allowed to keep it there as she felt her Aunt’s eyes on her.

"When I tell you or remind you to do something, it isn't because I am being mean, or unfair. It's for your safety and well being.” Emma did not take direction well. Especially when already upset over something. While Regina understood and was more than willing to be patient when needed, she also had certain expectations for her niece. “Do you understand that?" Regina asked.

"Yes.” Emma answered and thought she did, but it wasn’t always easy to. While her aunt’s expectations were clear the woman was complicated and hard to read at times. Like she was. They were alike in that way. In a lot of ways Emma thought.

“Are you ready to talk to me about what happened at school?” Regina asked. She didn’t think Emma was ready yet, but sometimes a difference in attitude such as the one displayed was an indicator that the girl was struggling with an abundance of emotions that needed coaxing out.

“Not here.” Emma shook her head needing more time to think and adjusted her backpack when her aunt sighed and stood. Her hand was taken and she followed along to the elevator of the parking garage where Regina's black Mercedes was parked.

Very quickly they were on route home, as the traffic was light heading north. The ride was silent and Emma squirmed in the back seat, but kept her thoughts occupied with the passing scenery of Camelback Mountain and the dusty, busy road. Soon enough Regina pulled into the driveway of their two story home. The house was rather large for just the two of them, but Regina had decorated it with warm, soft colors. The large rooms felt homey and relaxed. Emma followed her aunt into the house and they shed their belongings by the front door. Regina went into the kitchen and beckoned Emma to follow.

"I am going to start dinner. While I cook, I want you to tell me what's going on with you today, the school matter aside." Regina said, opening the fridge and pulling out the makings for strawberry salmon salad. This was one of her favorites or _‘rabbit food’_ , as Emma called it. She tried to cook most week nights if they got home early enough and was able to by prepping meals ahead of time. Having her own private practice was demanding and the long hours of the week caught up to her as she moved about the kitchen. She was tired. Emma upset with the school incident looming without clarity had her a bit on edge, too.

The girl sat at the island counter on a high-backed stool and traced a scrambled pattern on the tiled countertop with her finger. "Nothing is wrong." Emma mumbled.

Regina shut a drawer harder than she meant to at the child’s avoidant lie and placed a wooden cutting board on the counter. Emma did not seem phased by the sound, but she tried to explain a little of what she was feeling.

"Emma, tell me that it's hard to talk about... Tell me that you don't know where to start, but don't tell me nothing is wrong. I didn't raise you have tantrums or cuss or talk back to adults.”

Cheeks turned pink at the description of her actions and Emma tossed back. “ _You_ didn’t raise me all the way.”

Regina paused and squared her jaw at that remark. Though true for the first seven years of her niece’s life she certainly felt differently about the matter. She looked down at the cutting board expecting her heart to be resting there next to the fruit under the knife. “No I did not and you know I would do anything to change that Emma.” The child certainly did and her words seemed to reach Emma for the first time that day as she continued. “When you act out like that, especially around other people, I know that something is really bothering you." Regina said and began to slice the strawberries for the salad as she opened up further. "Sweetheart, I just want to help you, but I can't do that unless you talk to me." She finished with the strawberries and set the stove to medium heat to begin the salmon filet that she had already crusted with lemon zest and seasonings that morning.

"But I don't want to be in trouble. And when I tell you, you are going to punish me for how I acted at school." Emma reasoned, looking up at her aunt who placed the filet in the heated pan.

"Yes, I am just like I always do when you misbehave to this extent." Regina confirmed gently, placing greens, strawberries and crumbled goat cheese in a salad bowl and tossing the mixture gently with balsamic vinaigrette. "I am not; however, going to give you a consequence for whatever it is you have to tell me now, just your behavior at school. You still need to learn that throwing fits and cursing are not appropriate ways to express anger. We have steps in place for you to use if you get worked up and if you are upset over something you can always talk to me. I am your m—" Regina stopped herself and took a deep breath before continuing. "We are family and I love you. Just let me in a little alright?" She asked simply and flushed a bit at what she almost said.

On paper and for all legal intents and purposes she was Emma's mother, but here in their close, but sometimes complicated relationship she was still Aunt Regina. She had spoken to Emma about the girl having the freedom to call her mom, if so wished. The choice, if ever, had to be Emma's. The child's biological mother was Regina's younger sister, Zelena, who left Emma on her doorstep, half starved when the girl was just barely seven years old. They hadn't heard from the woman since.

"Okay," Emma started, "It's hard to talk about and I don't know where to start." She tried and hugged herself as her aunt dished helpings of salad and salmon onto two plates and carried them over to the table. Emma slid off her stool and went to get silverware and napkins without being asked.

Meanwhile, Regina poured a glass of milk for Emma and a small glass of Rombauer Chardonnay for herself, loving the rich buttery oak and light hint of peaches that occupied the preferred white wine. "So, let's start with what you are feeling. Are you angry, frustrated, sad…?" Regina asked, remembering what Emma's therapist had told her about helping the girl identify feelings. She was patient in the quiet, not wanting to rush Emma into a response.

Emma pushed the food around on her plate and ate a few bites before responding. "I'm angry and scared a little, I guess." She took a large bite of salmon, savoring the puckering flavor.

Regina sipped her wine, considering her niece’s feelings and the root of most of them when they exploded as they had today. "This is about your mother in some sense isn't it sweetheart." Regina asked gently.

Emma scowled and shot a questioning look at how her aunt could read her. That impulsive look quickly faded, as she realized it was wonderful having someone who could help her with all these bottled up emotions. "Yeah, but not like how before. It's different this time." Emma explained. A hard knot forming in her stomach as the ache was forced up from her heart and out of her mouth. "I saw her last week.”

 _‘What?!’_ Regina thought as her spine stiffened. She felt her heart stop and her mouth fight to work. “Where?”

“By the fence on the playground at school."

A whole range of emotions and thoughts raced through Regina's mind at that moment. _'How_ _dare she! After what she did…’_ Regina’s thoughts raced and she swallowed hard, keeping her emotions in firm check even though inside she was screaming. "Are you sure Emma?"

Child shrugged, but in a pitifully dejected way no child ever should be able to do. "Yeah, she knew me and we talked. I didn't want to tell you at first, 'cause you told me never to talk to people I don't know, and I didn't, until I was sure it was her. But then I didn’t know how to tell you cause…” Her train of thought jumped sideways. “She looks the same, but she didn’t seem as mean as before." Emma said, not looking her aunt in the eye.

"What did she say to you?" Regina asked calmer than she felt.

"She said that she had an apartment here and that she wanted me to come live with her and that things would be different this time..." Emma's voice broke giving way to a hot, bitter heat behind her eyes. "I just want her to leave me alone and I can’t get her out of my head. Aunt Regina I don't want to live with her or see her... Please, please don't make me." The tears wanting to slip down fair cheeks were quickly sniffed back as was Emma’s habit. Crying did not come easy to her and though she wanted to let go of these feelings they were consuming her from the inside out.

 Regina quickly went over and eased the child up so she could sit in her place. She pulled Emma up onto her lap, wrapping her arms around the little girl and rocked as the child struggled to catch a breath. Her heart ached for her niece and over the more than complicated history they shared with the woman who was responsible for bringing them together. Regina hummed a soft melody of some forgotten song that had always had a calming effect whenever her niece was this upset. After a long while the girl’s breathing slowed and Emma was reduced to a tight bundle of sniffles in her arms.

"Emma, I want you to sit up a bit and listen to me please. Can you do that?” Regina asked and waited as Emma did so; a fist rubbed an eye as a nod answered. “You do not have to see your mother. And besides, I don't think it's a good idea at this time anyway, and certainly not without my supervision. I will speak to your Principal and some other people to make sure she won't approach you like that again." Regina assured and kissed Emma's cheek. "I am so sorry that you have been going through this by yourself. That's why it's so important that we talk to each other about how we are feeling. I will always be honest with you about everything we discuss and I expect you will learn it is okay to do the same with me."

"I’ll try Aunt Regina." The young girl smiled a bit, feeling better now that her secret was out. She had been wound up the whole week since seeing her mother after so many years and under her teacher’s redirection for her tone in class she has lost her temper in a way she more than knew better on. She was still wound up and wanted more than anything to let these feelings go.

"Alright then, do you want any more of your dinner?" Emma shook her head no as Regina stood her up. "I'll clean up down here while you go take your bath. I'll be up soon to check on you."

"But it’s only 6:30." Emma whined.

"I think you should go to bed a bit early tonight. Some extra sleep will do you some good and besides, you and I still have to clear up your misbehavior from earlier today." Regina said simply and stood to gather up the dirty dishes and the half eaten meal.

Emma pouted a bit as she made her way into the living room and up the winding staircase to the second level of their home. She had her own bathroom and when she had came to first live with her Aunt Regina, the woman let her decorate it any way she had wanted and at seven she had a passion for anything purple so the walls were painted a soft lavender. Regina, this last year, had changed it a bit by replacing the rug and towels with cream colored ones and by added some new framed pictures of horses. There was a pretty one next to the wall pantry of a mare and colt in a spring meadow she liked to make up stories about. Riding was a shared hobby they both loved to enjoy, though with her Aunt’s busy schedule that was not nearly as often as Emma liked.

She ran a warm bath, complete with bubbles and slowly stripped off her school clothes, tossing them into the hamper. Emma undid her loose ponytail, instead clipping her hair in a messy bun atop her head and stepped into the soothing water. The girl took her time washing, letting the water soak away the rough day. About fifteen minutes later she heard a knock on the door. She drew her knees into her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. "Come in." She called and her aunt pushed open the half closed door carrying a stack of warm towels fresh from the dryer.

"Nearly finished?" Regina asked as she put away the towels in the pantry next to the lifted tub, leaving one out for Emma to use.

"Yeah, but do we have to? I promise I'll use my steps next time and not say those words.” Emma pleaded, hoping against all odds that her Aunt would relent.

"You know better than to even ask me that sweetheart. Now, no more stalling. That water must be getting cold anyway. I'll meet you in your room in 10 minutes." Regina confirmed and left the girl to finish up.

Emma pulled the plug and sat there as the water drained wishing that all her tangled emotions of anger and ache could follow the water. After a few moments she stood and wrapped the towel around her shoulders, heading to her room across the hallway. She found her pajamas already laid out for her. Emma dressed and took out her hair clip, letting her hair fall down in loose waves. She then sat down on her twin canopy bed to wait.

Her aunt knocked twice few minutes later and Emma had butterflies in her stomach as Regina approached. The woman sat on the bed and beckoned. "Come stand beside me here Emma."

Emma eased herself off the bed and went to stand by her aunt's right side as her hands were taken. "Do you understand why I am going to spank you?"

As much as Emma hated this part, she found a certain amount of calm washing over her at the predicable question. She nodded slowly, clenching her cheeks involuntarily.

"Tell me why sweetheart." Regina prompted, always wanting to be very sure her little niece knew exactly why they were here.

"Cause' I threw books and cussed at my teacher?"

A dark brow rose. "Are you asking me or telling me, Emma?"

"Telling you." The girl corrected herself, trying very hard to keep her hands at her sides as her aunt began to work the knot in her pajama bottoms loose.

"That's right, but there's more than just your tantrum. There are other ways to express yourself when your feelings build up like this. We've gone over this so many times Emma and frankly, I am getting tired of repeating myself to you. I am very patient with you young lady, but you need to make more of an effort to control your anger. Tell me some of the ways you can express yourself properly."

Emma's eyes grew teary as she struggled for her words. "I can talk to you or another adult. I can punch a pillow, or sit quietly and breathe like you showed me. I can count to ten or squeeze my stress ball...." She recited some of the things Regina had taught her to do when she felt out of control.

"That's right and I suggest you start using some of the ideas we talk about or you will be finding yourself here again. Am I making myself clear to you?" She asked, taking Emma’s hand and guiding the girl across her lap. There was more to it than that. Child was a bound knot of feelings on any given day and this way between them helped Emma be able to let them go when they got to a point of blockage. How and why a journey of three years of trial and error, and while Regina didn’t like to discipline, Emma needed this from her.

"Yes." Emma sighed as she felt her aunt's fingers in the elastic waistband of her purple PJ pants.

Regina pulled the fabric down to Emma's thighs. She lifted her right knee higher, and wrapped her arm around that small waist to hold her niece in place. Stiffening her resolve, she lifted her right hand to begin.

At the first swat, Emma squirmed. She felt her bottom go from pale to a blushing pink rapidly as the sting began to build. She kicked her legs as the spanking moved to her untouched thighs. “Nooo…." Emma kicked her pants down to tangle at her knees as her aunt left no part of her bottom and thighs untouched.

Regina didn't spank hard, she never did. Emma got more out of the mere contact of skin to skin, hand to bottom. Only enough to help open the heart to allow her niece a much needed cry. The girl always fought the release of emotions that needed to come out and close to the surface as they were Regina kept on.

Emma began to cease her struggles and squirms. Wanting, but not wanting to really feel. That always seemed to be her internal struggle with everything in her young life. Never easy and always a fight, but here and now she was ready to give into this feeling of letting go.

Almost.

“Aunt Regina.” Emma pleaded and dropped her head in her arms as her eyes stung with tears welling.

"Not just yet, sweetheart. A little more I think." Regina said, sensing the shift she wanted was coming and concentrating this last part to Emma's sit spots where bottom meets thigh. Then the damn broke and little shoulders shuddered with a gasp and open. Emma’s mouth opened with a wounded cry. Deep and long waiting to come out and child buried head in arms crying. Regina felt her throat close as her eyes misted and paused, rubbing the girls back in slow circles waiting patiently for her niece to be ready for comfort.

After a few minutes Emma started to push herself up and her aunt helped her stand. The woman leaned forward and set the girls PJ bottoms to right. She pulled Emma in to sit on her lap. Regina cuddled and consoled with soft words and kisses as Emma struggled with invisible demons. All she wanted then and there was to make them go away. There were so many bottled up emotions in this child; anger, rage, hate, fear, grief. In the beginning, she didn't know how to help Emma begin the healing process from what her sister had done.

When Emma had first come to her the girl had been defiant and cold; a tough shell wrapped around a tender heart that sought approval and affection. Through trial and error, Regina discovered exactly what her niece needed to start opening up and begin to understanding these feelings. They had come a long way since that first day of meeting and even so, there was a still long way to go. Regina knew from experience the road to healing from abuse was a winding path up hill.

"It's alright sweetheart. It's okay to cry, it’s okay to feel what you feel. Just let it all out."After a long while, when most of those little tears subsided, Emma pulled back from her aunt's embrace and wiped her eyes. Regina took a tissue from her pocket to wipe red eyes and a nose before standing with Emma in her arms. She moved to the head of the bed and sat there against the headboard. Little one in her lap and snuggled in under her chin with a yawn. "Do you feel better about things sweetheart or would you like to talk some more?" Regina asked as she stroked blonde curls away from sleepy eyes.

"Uh-huh. Not now, but maybe later." Emma whispered her voice somewhat hoarse from all the crying she had done. Crying always made her so sleepy and drained of all emotion she closed her eyes to focus on the heartbeat under her ear not wanting it to ever, ever leave as the one she had grown under for nine months had. “Stay with me?”

"I’m right here Emma.” Regina assured the hint of uncertainty there and kissed a damp cheek as she further murmured the constant promise between them. “Always baby.”

Emma drifted off under that comfort into a deep sleep.

~*~

The clock on her nightstand read 11:15 PM.

Emma sat up in bed, clutching her baby blanket to her chest. It was one of few things she had from before. She shivered thinking about the time before she had come to call this room hers. A time when she had lived with her mother she longed to forget. While she had been in some trouble with her aunt today she had no doubt she was loved as she loved the woman who had saved her life in so many ways.

 Green eyes adjusted slowly to the night as she drew the covers up under her chin thinking many things and settling on one she needed to tell the heart across the hall. But she hesitated to get out of bed. Emma hated the dark and though her nightlight shined bright painting a pattern of running horses across her ceiling it was not enough. She crawled out of bed dragging her blanket for comfort behind her and headed quickly out into the dark hallway. There was a soft light under her aunt's door and Emma crossed the hall and opened it.

"Aunt Regina?" Emma whispered as she came to stand near the high sleigh bed.

Regina opened her eyes a bit to see Emma's silhouette in the soft moonlight against her window. "Emma, what's the matter? Did you have a bad dream?" Regina asked and propped herself up on her elbows, straining a bit with her eyes to see her niece better.

Emma shifted on her feet. "Can I sleep with you? I just don't…” She faltered and bit her lip.

Regina smiled softly, lifting the covers up with one hand and scooting to the far side of her bed to allow the girl some room. Emma took a running leap up onto the bed and snuggled deep under the covers, baby blanket wrapped around little shoulders. Regina draped her arm around the girl, pulling her in close and kissed wild blonde curls while breathing in deeply the scent of cinnamon that followed her niece everywhere. The room was silent for a while; the only noise was their soft breathing.

"Aunt Regina?" The girl sleepily whispered.

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"For what?" Regina asked, tucking the quilts around them both.

"For loving me."

Regina gave pause as she watched the signs of the sandman visiting Emma and wondered how her sister could ever not have. She gently kissed the sleeping girl’s cheek and said very quietly, "Thank you for letting me."

~*~

A/N – Thoughts?

 

To be updated once a week.


	2. The Telling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Thanks so much for your warm reception of this story! You all are amazing! I had time for a mid week update, but these probably will not be common. Below are important notes to keep in mind as you read:
> 
> There will be small time jumps between chapters. Most are a month, sometimes more. I will give you a time stamp within each chapter to help.
> 
> Emma is ten in this, but at times may come across as younger in her reactions to things or extreme acting in one way or another. She has an underlying issue she cannot help that is unknown to both her and Regina currently, but will be revealed in time.
> 
> **Mild Trigger warning for this chapter** – past abuse mentioned and sensitive topics - see tags - of such will be throughout this story.

##  **Chapter 2 -** _The Telling_

"Tell me again, about when you were in Peru?" Emma asked, pushing her bangs off her wet forehead as her aunt washed her back gently with a sponge foaming with an apricot body wash.

Regina smiled at her niece's insistence, leaning back a bit from her perch on the edge of the tub to stretch her spine. Her eyes rested on her niece’s folded form in the water. More particularly the way the soapsuds hid parts of scattered scars on that fair skin. As it always did when she saw them, a frown pulled the corners of her mouth down. Reaching again to wet the sponge she continued washing gently as she spoke.

"I had never seen anything like those mountains. They are so high that when you see them from the plane at a certain point when you fly into the country you have to look up to see the peaks. My favorite part was Cusco. So high up the hill tops touch the clouds. It looks much like a storybook town with cobbled streets and the buildings are painted in a rainbow of colors. The houses further out of town were like that too. Row after row of mismatched colors all stacked up tight on the hills." She began Emma's favorite story of her trip to Peru to further study the particular branch of Naturopathy she specialized in one summer; pediatrics and herbal medicine.

That, among other reasons.

"And the people really live in tin roof houses without running water?" Emma asked after a while. She looked around her own bathroom just then, taking in all the modern furnishings that those people might never experience.

"Not all of them certainly, but some in certain parts of Peru and the world do, yes. In one village I passed through the water used for cooking and washing ran in a narrow trench all around the perimeter of the village right outside of people’s homes. You could open the front door with a pot and fill it without ever having to take a step outside. Some of the world lives like that sweetheart. That is why we are so blessed and why I remind you not to waste things or complain about not having the latest I-pod." Regina explained and stood to turn on the shower nozzle to rinse Emma's back free of soapy suds.

Warm water ran down Emma’s back and the suds tickled leaving. In just the last year, she was becoming more comfortable with her aunt’s presence in the bathroom with her, even asking that Regina wash her back for her once in a while. When Emma had first come to live with her aunt, she had a huge fear of the bathroom. Her aunt, like with most things, had been patient with a fear she refused to explain. Regina had expressed feeling uncomfortable leaving her alone in the bathroom and insisted on checking in when she bathed back then. She had been reluctant to comply at first, but agreed with a compromise of her own that the door always remain open.

One time it had closed accidentally. Emma sucked her bottom lip at the memory from when she was nine and Regina had been helping to untangle her long hair after a day of fun at the water park. She only remembered the aftermath of that trigger. The during of it haunted her aunt’s memory. Emma was sure because of the way brown eyes looked like they had been near breaking in the days to follow.

She let these thoughts go and finally replied somewhat proudly. "I'm getting better about stuff like that. Do you think we could go there sometime, to Peru? Maybe before I go to college?" Emma questioned, resting her chin on her bent knees, watching the bubbles around her calves break and scatter from the spraying water.

"I'll take you, when you are older and bigger." Regina confirmed, smiling that the seeds she had been planting in Emma about traveling and college were beginning to grow. She had to work her way through, waiting tables to pay rent and tuition all the way to grad school, but not her Emma. This child, she had promised herself years ago, would go to the best university, travel, and learn about herself and the world unburdened. A lot of the money Regina invested was for Emma's future, a trust fund the child could claim at age 25, after graduation.

“Aunt Regina?”

“Hmm?”

“Is that where your dad was from?”

Regina’s lips parted at the question about the man she hardly knew save for his journals. As a child she had spent countless hours memorizing his words within the little leather bound books when she had learned they were his. Only one of which she had managed to smuggle out of the house as a teenager when she had left that house. She liked to think she knew him anyway when in fact she had never met him. While she and Zelena shared a mother, they had two different fathers. Her stepfather was not a kind man she liked to give her thoughts over too. They tended to consume her when she did.

“Yes, he was from Cusco actually.” Regina shared that and nothing more as she put the sprayer up.

Cora had said Henry Mills had left when he had learned Regina was to be a girl, but from the writings of the man she thought she knew from his journals left behind Regina had always thought otherwise. Mother was insistent though. Mother was also a liar. Talking about her past was never easy. Also not something she readily engaged in with Emma for the splinters waiting to bite a curious finger stroking the rotting wood of memory there.

Emma said nothing more under the suggestive tone for her to drop the subject. Still she wondered something along the same train of thought. “Is that why we don’t look alike?”

Quietly Regina studied her niece. They were often mistaken for not being related and while a small part of Regina wished they did look more alike there was an even bigger part of her that needed the fact that they didn’t if only for the reminder it served. The same flecks of strawberry rested in Emma’s tumble of blonde curls as in her little sister’s hair. The same shaped eyes too that held the mischievous spark of light she had been unable to save when she had to choose between saving herself or her sister. The price of doing so had been great and one she had never forgiven herself for making.

But Regina had gotten a second chance. A chance to save her sister’s child even when at the time she had doubted her ability to do so. Her— She blinked the past away and tapped a small nose which got a got a comical crossed eyed look from Emma. “You look like you and I look like me. That is all there is to it.” Regina stated rather factually. "I think it’s time to get out. You're turning into a prune." She stood to open a warm cream towel and turned her head away with respect to Emma's privacy as the girl eased up.

Emma stepped out onto the bath mat to wrap up quickly in the towel. She still wanted an answer to a different question, but by the frame of her aunt’s mouth she thought better than to ask this moment.

"I'll clean up in here. Go on to your room and get dressed. We will be leaving soon and no blue jeans, Emma." She instructed, already knowing what her niece might pick out to wear. She preferred Emma dressing nicer when they had appointments. That was one thing from her upbringing she had not been able to shake in her own, less than casual, daily attire. Though, Regina was certainly more relaxed with Emma’s clothing than she had even been afforded as a child herself.

Their Saturday consisted of errands and a trip downtown to Emma's therapist, Dr. Archie Hopper. He had asked to meet with her today regarding her niece and Regina couldn't help but get a feeling of dread at whatever Dr. Hopper had to tell her. She had a strong intuition and just knew that something was wrong. Regina had questioned Emma the last few weeks if anything was bothering her and aside from the random appearance from Zelena she had always received a curt _'no'_.

It had been near a month since the child's mother had made contact with Emma on the playground and Regina had taken quick steps to notify school personnel and law enforcement to get a restraining order in effect. Regina quite considered the paper useless until the police could locate her sister. Zelena had eluded custody for three years and in that disappearing act the woman hadn't bothered Emma until recently.

But Regina knew her sister.

Knew that something had happened to bring Zelena out of hiding. What remained a mystery and for the ramifications that having Zelena in their life would cause, even from behind bars, was not worth the toll it would take on Emma. It was almost better that her sister disappear once again. Regina didn’t think jail was the best place for someone like her sister had become. Zelena needed treatment, counseling, and care.

Early on when Emma had first come to live with her Regina had wanted nothing more Zelena behind bars to pay for the years of pain her niece had suffered. She had given police all the details she could—which was not much—to track down her sister after Emma’s abandonment. There was still an outstanding warrant for an arrest. Now as time passed, she felt somewhat differently. Her sister was sick and she was not entirely sure it was just from years of being an alcoholic and addict. There was something else off in that head. She suspected bipolar disorder or something else along those lines based on reflection of past behaviors she had observed. She would probably never know.

Regina shook the negative thoughts out of her head as she cleaned up Emma's bathroom before going to her own room to put on a pair of black heeled leather knee high boots and get her matching Coach purse. She checked her appearance once in her full length mirror before heading down the stairs to await her niece. Today, she wore a black pencil skirt with tan pin stripes and a tan sleeveless turtleneck with a simple strand of pearls. Her medium brunette hair hung in curled layers down her back.

In a few minutes Emma appeared by the front door in a pretty blue embroidered short sleeve shirt and dark blue tights under a skirt, complete with matching shoes. She had wanted her overalls and Sketchers, but knew she would have been told to go back up to change. Emma tightened the tie of her high ponytail and frowned when her aunt went to the hall closet and pulled out a light cotton jacket for her to wear. "But I hate sleeves. It’s warm out anyway Aunt Regina." Emma whined as she reluctantly slipped on the jacket. She found sleeves constricting and much preferred to be without them whenever possible.

"Warm or not, it's November and it is supposed to be chilly later.” Regina insisted, taking her own light jacket with her as they exited their home. Their first stop was the post office, then the library, and then her office to get one of the patient files she had forgotten on Friday to review before Monday. Saturdays were often one of their busier days to get done everything that had been put off throughout the work week.

Emma usually enjoyed this time out with her aunt, but all the hours in and out of the car was beginning to take its toll. She showed her boredom with huffs and pouts only to be redirected to read one of the books kept in the back seat for her amusement. She much preferred to play a game on her aunt’s phone, but she wasn’t allowed much electronic time and the time she was allowed each day she liked to use watching TV.

Regina was just finishing up at her desk locating what she needed, when she heard her niece’s whining coming from the waiting area of her office. Sighing, she stuck her head out her open door. Her receptionist and secretary, Tina, was in the office that day catching up on some filing and at this moment was picking up some papers that were on the floor.

"I'm sorry Dr. Mills, but could you ask Emma to wait in the children's play area? I just can't work if she's by my desk going through papers." Though exasperated the woman was trying to be kind.

Regina eyed her niece standing by in a crossed arm manner making no attempt to help. She knew that look and to anyone else it would appear that Emma was pouting when in fact it meant something else. Emma tended to stand in such a way self hugging whenever something she did wrong was pointed out like that by others in public. She had mentioned it to Dr. Hopper who said it was probably just a way for Emma to self soothe, but Regina was not so sure. Still, for the moment she helped to refocus Emma on what the girl should be doing in such a situation.

"Help pick up the papers Emma and then come in here please." Regina directed.

Emma shot a veiled look at the red mouth, but helped the young secretary pick up the dropped paper work. Still the child stayed rooted to the spot afterward, however, feeling the need to regain some control when she felt out of it.

"Come here."

Another summons. Emma shifted on her feet for a moment, the air beginning to thicken with the power struggle she sometimes put herself in. Why was one of the reasons she knew she was in therapy for, and the other reason she was doing constant battle with and was one she was still trying to make sense of. Her aunt’s head shook and a crooked finger beckoned her to start moving. With heavy feet Emma gave in coming forward, but not before a heated look took over her face.

Regina stepped aside, allowing her niece entrance before shutting the heavy door behind her and guided the girl along with her. She sat on the blue leather chair near her desk, drawing her niece to stand in front of her. Regina calmly leveled her gaze with stormy green eyes that were having trouble looking up.

“What has you so upset, hmm?”

Emma lost some of her scowl not expecting that question, but rather to be told off. Sometimes that happened. Especially when her aunt was busy and patience was thin, or when they had places to be like now. But talking about her feelings was hard so she said what was easy. “Nothing.”

“Now we both know that is not the case.” Regina corrected and wondered if she should push for an answer like Emma was pushing now. While she worked with children and had even taken a few child psychology classes in the course of her studies, Emma’s response to certain things sometimes was a paradox that did not have predictable patterns.

“ _You_ go first then.” Emma challenged rather hotly, rolling back on her heels as she thought about her unanswered, or the vaguely answered, questions she had posed this morning in the bath. While they were close and shared many things, the things Emma wanted to better understand, like her aunt’s past, was never something that seemed up for discussion.

A dark brow rose.

“What?” Though that was an expression she well understood. Emma continued. “You always get on me to share how I feel, but you won’t tell me anything when I ask.”

As much as her niece had a point, Regina did not approve of how Emma was making it. “There are certain things you are much too young to understand yet and when the time is right I will share them with you.”

Emma’s shoulders dropped hard like her foot did in a stomp and shout. “But you _always_ say that!”

“That’s enough.” Chiding as her hand did by patting the seat of Emma’s skirt once and Emma promptly stilled. “I suggest you change your attitude and start listening to me." She said, reminding Emma exactly why she had just gotten a reminder to behave and of the why of being called in here for a talk. "You are also to come to me the first time I call you. I understand that you are bored, but having an attitude and not listening to the things I ask you to do are not helping me to go any faster. Do you understand?"

"Yes… I'm sorry." Emma offered suddenly remembering the words she was supposed to say and dropped the issue once again. She could never hold out long in her stubbornness for the eyes she was under.

Regina bent forward and kissed her niece’s cheek. "Good girl. Now I want you to go and say as much to Ms. Bell.” Just a simple, 'I'm sorry' like you just did is enough. Then we will get going. It's almost 3:00 and I do not want to be late to meet with your therapist."

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"I'm hungry," Emma said a half hour later, tugging on Regina's arm to get her attention. Her aunt sighed, dropping the pen on the sign in sheet and handed it to the woman behind the high counter.

"Dr. Hopper is expecting you Ms. Mills. Please go right in."

“Thank you.”

Knowing that Emma would get hungry, Regina pulled out a bag of sliced red apples and a bottle of water she had packed that morning, sweetened with a little juice from her purse and handed them to the child. "Here's your snack and your book, go sit on the couch and wait right there. I shouldn't be too long." She said. Emma's eyes remained fixated on the food as she nodded and headed over to the sofa as instructed.

Regina made her way across the waiting area and to the door that led into the therapist's main office. He appeared there a moment later and greeted her warmly. The two doctors shook hands and exchanged a polite greeting as they got comfortable in the frosted glass room. One wall was like that anyway. Regina never liked such rooms for the very reason of the feeling like she was in a fishbowl when inside one.

"Thank you for taking the time to meet with me today.” Dr. Hopper started. “I usually don’t keep office hours on Saturdays, but I had a few client concerns that needed to be taken care of."

"And my Emma is one of your concerns?" Regina asked, keeping her tone calm despite the sick feeling beginning to boil in her stomach.

"I had to be very sure that what I am about to tell you was true and in her own way Emma confirmed it was in our last session. You had to leave so quickly after her appointment Thursday that I didn’t want to put this out there without us having a chance to speak at length over it.” He understood the flash of guilt in brown eyes from the woman sitting in front of him. Dr. Regina Mills was a very busy and complicated woman. Emma had expressed some frustrations to him over that busyness in the past and though, time was always made for the patient in question by the woman before him whenever he needed to meet one on one like this.

Regina folded her hands in her lap and crossed her legs under his gaze. She had rushed out of his office rather quickly earlier this week in order to get to a lecture she was to give at a symposium of colleagues at the Free Children’s Clinic she volunteered her services at a few hours a week. Emma had come with her to wait in the small office she worked out of there. Her niece had seemed a little off, but mostly fine at the time. Mostly fine, but probably not like before the secret about her sister’s appearance on the playground had been shared with her.

Whatever Dr. Hopper had to say, Regina wanted it out in the open so she could help Emma. “Go on.”

“Over the last few weeks when I first suspected something was not right I went over Emma's file, school reports, and medical history once again. You are still her primary physician is that correct?"

"Yes, she doesn’t cooperate well with anyone else. I had tried, when she was younger, to have another colleague take over in that regard, but she would have fits during the appointments and nightmares after that I didn't see the point in putting her through that type of stress when I could take care of most of her basic needs myself.” Regina explained, wondering what this had to do with anything.

He nodded and marked the open file in his lap. "As I was saying, I started to review Emma's history again after she told me about her mother coming to see her on the playground that day. Emma said that you were aware of that."

It was more of a hidden question within a statement and Regina realized that he was uncomfortable with whatever it is that needed to be said. Never one for subtly, she raised her brows right back. "I am aware. Emma and I are very close, you know that.” He surely did for the reasons of Emma being in therapy to begin with. Regina had chosen to have Emma see a therapist to give her niece an outside resource to help with the emotional and physical abuse suffered at the hands of her sister. Emma had not been too keen on the idea, but over time great progress had been made with Dr. Hopper’s help. “Will you please just say whatever it is that needs to be said?" Regina asked, starting to feel uncomfortable for the first time with this man.

"I'm sorry, it’s just this can be difficult to process and I had to be sure before I met with you because a new direction in her therapy may be needed.” He pushed up his slipping glasses. “I have reason to believe that Emma was sexually abused by her mother before she came to live with you.” He paused at the obvious upset his words were causing.

Regina felt as if someone had slapped the breathe from her lungs. Suddenly there seemed to be no air in the room. The walls became animated; vibrating violently and pushing their way inward. In and in as she held her breath in. She had been disgusted with her sister’s treatment of her niece before and now… Now she doubled over to keep her stomach intact. After a cold minute, she slowly eased up and let out a shaky breath along with one question. “How do you...?” But the question died on her lips as pieces of Emma’s puzzle she had not ever wanted to fit came together in her mind as he spoke.

“Through a recent play therapy session Emma demonstrated violent sexual play with two dolls; both female. I asked her about what she was doing and she said rather offhandedly that her _`mother did this to her once'_. I don't even know if she realized she told me as she was so wrapped up in it all. I believe some repressed memories may have returned thanks to your sister's recent visit. She's an un-well woman. An addict or alcoholic, as I understand it, from your family history." Archie paused, glancing at the paper in his hand that said as much, then to Regina.

"My sister,” Regina began bitterly and gained her breath as her own childhood memories began overwhelming her, “takes after her father in the respect." She raised a hand to her eyes to stop the tears that were beginning to flood her face. Dr. Hopper handed her a tissue, which Regina gladly accepted, her mind reeling with questions. "Are you sure? I mean, it has been three years she has been with me and I never knew. I never...." Regina mumbled, her thoughts racing.

"Ms. Mills, are you alright? You're very pale."

Regina leaned forward, resting her forearms on her knees as she peered out the frosted glass wall, watching a very blurred shadow of Emma on the sofa. “Where did she say this happened?” Her tone had gone numb along with the rest of her.

"In a bathroom. Emma mentioned a fear of that room to me ages ago and until now I did not make the connection for why that might be."

Regina leaned back against the padded chair, remembering back to the incident with Emma that she so wanted to forget and found herself elaborating when she never did. "I could not get that child into a bathtub or really clean without a lot of coaxing, treats, or assurance.” She began and swallowed down more tears that wanted to fall. She had not cried, really cried in years and doing so a moment ago if only mildly in front of this man was not something that was sitting well with her. “Emma told me, eventually, that she was afraid of the bathroom, more specifically of being with someone in a bathroom. So, I let her decorate it however she wanted, hoping that it would be more inviting to her, and it was after I promised never to close the door.”

Archie shifted in his seat sensing a ‘but’ coming. He was right and wished he wasn’t for the pained look of guilt near shattering the mask of the woman fighting to keep it in place.

“But, the door did close by accident once last year. Emma was in the tub washing up and I was helping with her hair. When it did she became frozen and all the color left her face as if all the life had drained out of her...." Regina paused the tears pushed to fall again, but she pushed them back.

“What happened next?”

“Emma shrieked over and over again so hard and loud I thought the mirror would break. Then she started screaming at me and looking at me as if she didn't know me, like she was reliving something.”

“That must have been terrifying for her and you.”

"It was.” Agreeing as she looked down at her hands clamped tightly together. “It was the most helpless I had ever felt in my life.” Regina admitted now flexing her hands to loosen the sick feeling taking over. It did nothing to help the growing of it in her stomach, however. “I intervened when she hit her head back against the tile by the tub. I went to lift her from the water and her whole body came alive. She fought me, biting and scratching, but I finally got her out the door and into her room. Almost instantly, she relaxed and stopped screaming, but she cried, and cried all night and every night from nightmares for a week.” Regina bit the inside of her cheek briefly at the memory and cleared her throat. “It took a good month before I could get her into the tub again. Meantime I helped her sponge off and washed her hair in the sink. I bought stopper I attached to the door frame near the top so the door will not accidentally close again.”

Archie was silent as he penned a note, giving some space where it seemed to be needed.

Regina took a deep breath and dabbed her eyes with a tissue letting the silence of the room comfort her as a great weight settled on her shoulders. "I will never forget that scream as long as I live.” Nor the feelings of inadequacy at being unable to help that pain Emma had been in that had come with it.

"That would explain it then, the dolls and that episode. Your sister must have done something to Emma in a bathroom. I am very sorry...... This must be such a shock for you. I had my suspicions, but I wanted Emma to confirm it herself without any coaxing before I mentioned it to you."

"Thank you for making sure...” Regina caught the time on his desk clock. I should check on her. I told Emma I'd only be a few minutes and here we are almost a half hour later. She and I have a lot to talk about at home." Regina said, standing and adjusting her purse on her shoulder. She said goodbye to Dr. Hopper and stood a moment at the door, collecting her thoughts and her emotions. She stepped out into the waiting area, scanning the quiet room for Emma. Where the girl had been sitting was an empty water bottle and over turned book, but no Emma.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"What do you mean you haven't seen her? She was sitting right there on the sofa not twenty minutes ago. I saw her myself through the glass." Worried, Regina had asked the young woman behind the check in counter after a walk around the office, the restroom, and the outside halls proved no turn up of her niece.

"Maybe she went to the bathroom." The woman offered, shuffling papers on her desk feeling a bit intimidated by the worried parent in front of her.

"I was just in the restroom looking for her, and she wouldn't have gone without me. Not by herself...." Regina paused, sensing someone new in the room. She turned to see Emma enter the office carrying a small brown paper bag. "There you are! I've been worried." Regina sighed in relief; her worry replaced now with annoyance as she approached her niece and gave her a tight hug, holding the girl close to her for a long moment before breaking the embrace. With her sister lurking in unknown proximity, she was ever more aware and cautious of their surroundings. Emma wandering off, as child was prone to doing sometimes, was ever so much more of a worry right now. Her tone said as much. “Where were you?”

"I got hungry again and I remembered the Starbucks in the lobby downstairs and I thought—" Emma stopped abruptly as she realized her mistake.

"You thought you'd disobey me and wander off down there by yourself, despite my specific instructions to wait on that couch." Regina finished sharper than she meant to be.

That tone caused green eyes to look up from red lips. “I’m sorry.”

Regina closed her eyes for a moment and softened considerably. Her disapproval in this form never failed to bring tears to Emma’s eyes and was one of very few causes of them being so readily drawn there. In quiet apology, Regina pulled a tissue from the side pocket of her purse and cupped her niece’s chin in hand to wipe green eyes. " I went as fast as I could in there with Dr. Hopper. When I ask you to wait, I expect you to be a big girl and do as I ask of you. It really worried me when I came out here and you were gone." She explained, letting her niece's face go.

"But I was hungry." Emma tried to explain herself and dropped the small brown bag in her hand.

Regina leaned down to be eye level and took small hands into hers realizing her niece really didn't understand why she was upset. Emma was a smart girl, but struggled where others did not in what seemed like common understanding of how to read other’s emotions. In some ways those were difficult for the child to understand and relate to in others. In moments like this Regina relied on shared experiences to help explain them to Emma. "Do you remember a few years ago when you lost sight of me in the Macy's department store in New York near Christmas time, how frightened you were when you thought I had left you there?"

"Yeah, there were too many people." She hated crowds.

"Well, I felt a little bit like you did that day when I couldn’t see you when I expected to. I was worried that something might have happened to you."

Emma's eyes grew large with understanding. “I'm sorry I worried you.” And she hugged Regina then, tightly around the neck. “Can I still have my snack?" Asking as she reached down to retrieve the dropped bag.

Regina laughed softly. She nodded, smiling as she ruffled Emma's hair, smoothing bangs off a sweet face. “Of course you may sweetheart.”

Emma frowned thoughtfully when she finally took in the whole of her aunt’s face. She traced a faint tear path cleared of makeup down a cheek with her finger. "You cried. You never cry, how come?" Emma asked, becoming upset that her absence may have caused her aunt’s tears.

"Yes, well... let's go home now baby and we will talk about it." She said standing and smoothing her skirt before extending her hand.

Emma took her aunt’s soft hand briefly wondering about what. But unlike Thursday when they left this office and she wanted her aunt’s attention, right now she was not sure she did for what that talk might prove to be.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"My stomach hurts." Emma complained.

Regina’s did too for that matter and set a pot of water to boil a cup of tea to calm her nerves, steeling herself for the conversation she must have with Emma. The young girl sat on a high backed stool by the island countertop in the center of the kitchen, coloring book and markers scattered about. "I think you ate your dinner too fast, sweetheart." Regina moved to get a small mortar and pestle from a cabinet shelf and went over to her dried herb rack.

During the summers she made a habit of growing and keeping herbs to be used for some day to day purposes for herself and Emma. She quickly selected an indigo bottle from the many stored and returned to the counter. "This mixture is of Mint and Chamomile. Together with stomachaches. I'll make a tea for you to drink." Regina explained, always trying to deepen Emma's interest in herbs.

The girl looked up from her drawing and watched as Regina poured a 1/2 ounce of the cut dried herbs into the bowl and ground them into a fresh gritty dust. The woman then put the bowls contents into a mesh tea net that was added to the pot on the stove. While the mixture steeped, she busied herself finishing the evening's dishes. Emma's head popped up when the timer on the microwave beeped.

Regina strained some of the tea into her favorite mug, a creative pottery piece Emma had made for her last birthday and sweetened it with a bit of fresh honey. She then did the same for Emma, into a much smaller mug. “Take all of this while it's still warm." She instructed, handing the red mug to Emma. The girl sipped it down over the next few minutes as Regina sipped her own and wiped up the counter tops. The empty mug was held out for her to take. "Thank you. Now it’s time to clean up your artwork. We need to have a talk about something." Regina said as her niece put markers back in an art box with the unfinished picture on top. "Let's go into the living room." Regina led the way out through the arched opening and seated herself on the beige couch, patting her lap for Emma to sit. She set down her mug on the coffee table and opened her arms to her niece.

Emma hesitated, sensing she would not like whatever it was her aunt wanted to talk to her about. The girl approached after that moment of uncertainty remembering their talk from earlier that day about coming when she was called and settled herself comfortably on her aunt's lap.

Regina wrapped her arm around the girl, pulling Emma in close before she began to reassure. "I spoke with Dr. Hopper today about one of your recent therapy sessions. He said that you told him about something that had happened between you and your mother a long time ago." Regina noticed Emma's body stiffen, the small muscles under fair skin twitched anxiously. The woman stroked the girl’s back slowly before she continued, "I want to know what happened between you two. What happened in the bathroom Emma?" She asked calmly, keeping her tone measured and soft.

The girl shifted her weight, not looking at her aunt. She shook her head, covering her ears with her hands. Emma kicked her heels against the side of the sofa. Her aunt gently moved her hands away and kept hold of them as a thumb rubbed along the back of clenched fists. Emma shut her eyes tight, torn between wanting to shut Regina out and wanting to clean this dirt away.

"You know I love you sweetheart, with all of my heart, don't you?"

Emma nodded, taking a deep breath. Her heart was beginning to pound and her eyes darted back and forth below her lids, taking in the forming memory.

"You can trust me with anything Emma, tell me anything. Nothing that happened was your fault, you are not to blame for anything your mother said or did. I just want to help you baby, please let me help you." Regina coaxed, watching Emma for any signs that the child would talk to her. A long silence set in and Regina waited patiently for Emma to be ready to speak.

Finally, after a long while Emma parted her lips, her eyes still tightly closed. "I told her not to. I said don't." Emma assured, fighting an urge inside her to not speak, not to tell the truth because words made it real. "I was bad and she filled the tub with water. It was too hot, but she made me get in." Words forced their way out of Emma mouth, "She yelled at me, those words I'm not supposed to say..."

Regina bit her tongue so hard it bled and found her voice. "You're doing very well baby. What happened after that?”

"She stopped yelling ‘cause she tripped. She was drinking wine from a bottle. It was red.” That detail flashed before her eyes. Emma remembered it vividly because of the way it had spilled into the water turning it a bright pink. “It broke on the bottom and she was mad. There was glass in the water and she told me to open my legs." Emma said rather numbly, though her small body was beginning to shake. "I got cut on my leg and she hit my head on the faucet.” Reaching up to rub the back of her head from the invisible ache there trying to remember the time between, but she never could. “Then I was on the floor... it was dark and I was locked in." Emma concluded her mouth dry as cotton, unable to speak anymore.

Regina held Emma tightly. Her face contorted in controlled rage at her own sister, who could do this to a child, _her_ child. If not by birth, by heart. "I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry she did those things to you.” Then remembering how Emma had began the story. “You were not 'bad.' You are never, ever 'bad'. Do you hear me?" Regina asked, trying with much difficulty to keep her voice level even though her insides were on fire, the shared blood with her sister burning. "There is no excuse for what your mother did.” And there wasn’t, but she felt the need to give some context to the why she knew Emma was stewing in. “The alcohol, as much as she drinks of it, makes her unwell.” She explained, hoping Emma could understand.

"But you have wine sometimes and you’re never mean to me. I must have made her mad." Emma reasoned finally opening her eyes.

Regina lifted Emma up under arms and turned so the child could see her better. "Listen carefully to me baby. You—" She said, tapping the girl’s chest gently, "did absolutely nothing wrong. The alcohol made your mother sick and she made some very wrong choices because of that. Not because of you.”

Sucking her bottom lip, Emma nodded thinking she just might understand and because she did, she whispered the question she had been needing to ask for a long time. "Do you think she loved me?" Emma asked, rubbing her eye with a fist.

Regina kissed Emma's cheek, forming her words carefully in the painful truth of her sister’s warped definition of love. This is what she was not good at. Explaining such things to Emma, but she tried. "Your mother did not know how to love very well. She has a sickness that makes it hard for her to do so in a way that someone should love a child."

“Like how you love me?”

Red lips rested against a crown of curls in answer. Emma smiled slightly, sniffling she settled her head against her aunt’s chest. The sound of the heartbeat under ear comforted her. Emma thought she understood what was said and unsaid; that her aunt was offering a generous gift if Emma so wanted to take it. The gift of a mother not completely evil. The young girl closed her eyes, exhausted from all of the conflicting emotions of the day, but on one she was clear. "I never asked her to be my mother…" Emma whispered.

Regina nodded in agreement, knowing anyone could lie down and have sex, producing a baby, but that did not make a person a parent. Little long a mother. She had her own experience to attest to that. Emma's small fingers traveled upward and played with the strand of pearls at her neck.

Emma focused on turning each individual orb gently as she confirmed a brewing choice inside of her. One she was not yet ready to say, but one she looked forward to doing one day as she thought, _‘from now on I choose you to be my mother.’_ She was content to simply have that all for herself right now and within the quiet strength holding her.

It would be a long time before woman and child moved from their embrace.

 

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Later that night, after Regina had tucked Emma into bed she made her way down the spiral staircase and into the large dark kitchen. From memory her fingers found the switch on the textured taupe wall and the room brightened before her. The Spanish tiled floor felt cool beneath her bare feet, more than welcome from the heat of the day. The grey silk robe clung to her damp skin just fresh out of the shower. She had clipped her hair into a messy twist a top her head and curling strands clung to her cheeks as she looked about the room.

Quietly, she moved across the tile to unlatch the cellar door near the laundry room. Carefully she stepped down four steep steps. A moment later, a soft glow lit up the little room. Regina used this cellar for drying herbs and to store her wine collection. From her many travels she had collected and spent a small fortune on boutique, hard to find wines. She thoughtfully fingered a newly acquired bottle of Sea Smoke Pinot Noir, an expensive cloudy garnet liquid with a nose of violets and blueberries.

She gathered every bottle of red wine from her collection and set the three dozen or so bottles on the countertop. She then pulled out a sterling silver engraved wine key from her robe pocket, a gift from Mal, a close friend who celebrated Regina's love for fine wines.

Slowly, one by one, Regina cut the foil on each bottle, listening as the curved blade effortlessly slid around the bottle tops. In a well practiced motion she removed the corks. When all of the bottles were open, her fingers grasped the Sea Smoke's long green neck. Carefully Regina tipped the tinted glass on its side, watching as the crimson liquid met the bottle’s neck to flow out of the opening. It splashed violently against the white porcelain of sink before swirling to move down the drain.

As she emptied each of the bottles to the last drop Regina promised herself that she would never again drink red wine. The very thought of it, from that moment on, made her violently ill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – I always appreciate your thoughts or questions.
> 
> More this weekend. Thanks for reading.


	3. The Hypothesis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Thank you for your kudos and comments! They keep me going. As you read keep in the back of your mind that there is a reason Emma behaves like she does (a reveal in another chapter). Here we get some background on Regina and her thoughts. Emma's too.

**(Chapter 3)** _-_ _The_ _Hypothesis_

_:::::::::::::::::::::_

Emma was asleep, curled up under quilts near the foot of the bed. Always in a tangled ball right there as if hiding from something under that crown of blonde hair. Though like this, so small and still in the early moments before waking, Emma had never looked anything but at peace to Regina. Little arms clasped around a worn teddy bear with a faded indigo bow tie around its neck that had seen better days. It was one of the only things, aside from the baby blanket; kept from the few possessions the child had shown up with on her doorstep.

Regina stood above Emma with wistful wonder framing her mouth as she watched the girl's chest rise and fall with each slow breath enjoying this small treasure for a quiet moment before the day had to begin. She tucked it away in her memory before gently stroking her knuckle against a soft cheek.

"Emma sweetheart, it's time to get up." Regina said by way of greeting the ten year old who pulled a purple pillow overhead and whined into matching sheets. A pair of legs kicked once under the covers. "Now none of that, let's go." She urged clapping her hands twice before going over to the window and opening the gauzy drapes. Warm sunlight settled on the cream carpet and the girls curled up body. Regina went over to her niece's side and eased away the quilts.

Emma hugged her pillow and narrowed her eyes against the brightness, "Aunt Reginnnaaa!"

"Time to get up my dear girl. Hurry, breakfast is nearly ready." She said and waited for the child to sit up at least before she would leave the room. "I made your favorite." A bribe that got a little ears interested and a nose working.

Emma turned over on her stomach, thinking about the tease of food, still half asleep.

Regina regarded her niece with a knowing smirk and reached to tickle a pair of ribs. Laughter and shrieks filled the room. First Emma's, then both of theirs as Emma tickled right back, but Regina scooped the child up in a bundle of blankets and began to tickle the bottom of a small bare foot.

"Okay! You win!" Emma gave in pushing her hair out of her face with a toothy grin up at her aunt from around the folds of the blanket. Once set down on the bed, she began to wiggle out of the wad her sheets and quilt had become.

"Now that you're wide awake, please get dressed and come down for breakfast." Regina smiled and kissed Emma's tangled bed head before leaving the room.

Emma worked to make her bed and then sat down on the edge of it. Wiping the sleep from her eyes, her thoughts woke up and began to linger on the last several weeks, as they always seemed to upon waking lately. They always had to hurry it seemed to go somewhere. The days began to all blur together. Her Aunt Regina had been spending a lot of time at the office, on the phone, or in meetings at the Free Children's Clinic. With winter in full motion and the holidays approaching people always seemed to be sick more, especially children and that meant more patients and more of her aunt's time taken up.

Sometimes her aunt would take her with to the office or the clinic and Emma normally liked when that happened. She was content most times to simply be nearby and read or draw while her aunt worked. But then, it started to happen too much and too often it was work, work, work and Emma would want to go home when in fact she wanted something else.

Regina had then employed the services of the neighbor girl named Ashley, who was 17 to look after her in absence. Her best friend Ruby lived a few houses down and had said Ashley was a fun babysitter. Ruby's Granny owned a diner and sometimes Granny had to run there to _'put out a fire._ ' Emma was not sure why Granny would go and not the fire department, but Ruby seemed to know and expected her to know as well so no explanation had come after.

Emma needed those.

Relied on words to help explain why people did what they did, or why their faces looked a certain way. Especially at school. While she liked her 4th grade teacher—who always explained things—and liked to learn, Emma had a hard time with anything nonacademic. Things like show and tell when she had been young, or group projects or playing pretend with other kids she struggled with.

She much preferred real things she could touch and manipulate like her marvel action figures she liked to put them in poses so she could draw them like in her comic books. Ruby liked Barbies and playing house, but Emma wondered why someone would play house when you lived in one to begin with and had said as much. The other kids had just stared at her. Ruby told them to ' _take a picture because it would last longer'_ and had pulled Emma away from them. That statement too Emma had not quite understood but that time she had not said so. The other kids thought Emma was weird and so she tended to keep to herself.

Her aunt seemed to prefer to be alone like she did too. These thoughts began to return whole circle in her mind. Emma liked Ashley well enough though, but missed the time more with her aunt.

Emma had begun to resent the herbs, which she once had an interest in and the other children who took up most of her aunt's time. What she hated most was the free time Regina once had was now wrapped up in the work of something called a thesis, due out for publication this spring. They had stopped going to the art store, to the museum, and horseback riding.

There simply wasn't time.

Today was Saturday and her aunt had to spend it working. Again. Emma groaned and looked at her toes flexing; chipped yellow nail polish met her gaze. She remembered when she had picked the color weeks ago in the store and her aunt that painted them for her. The color called _'Happy Feet'_. Such a happy color in a pretty glass bottle she had thought, now it did not seem to be as much in its current state on her feet. She got out of bed, dressing in purple overalls and socks with a green Hulk T-shirt across the front before finger combing her long curly hair. She liked days she could wear exactly what she wanted.

Heading downstairs, the wonderful aroma of cinnamon toast and eggs greeted her when entering the kitchen. Her aunt was busy dishing up plates of hot food all the while talking on a wireless earpiece. She thought it made it look like people were talking to themselves. Emma sometimes did that and used to a lot when she was younger. It used to make people stare at her so she learned to stop doing it. She wondered why people would want to do something that made people look at them. Regina smiled at her and gave a small wave before pointing to her spot at the table in the corner; a small breakfast nook that overlooked the front yard they used for most meals. Emma shuffled when her aunt turned away and moved to sit down.

"I need those files and that case study scanned and e-mailed to my office this afternoon, and don't forget the cover page… Thanks… Bye now." Regina ended the call and removed the earpiece before taking the plates of food to the table with a huge smile.

That was the missing piece she needed to finalize her research for her thesis. Another few months of focused attention and this particular work would finally pay off. It was the last major goal on the list she had made well over a decade ago when she had moved out of the house. Regina still had the original notebook paper she had drafted her dreams on while sitting on a bus out of town when she had been eighteen. Every year she took it out to look at it and mark the next check. This was the last thing she had been working too check off for four years. The list was faded and worn, but each time Regina looked at it felt new. A fresh reminder of why she did what she did and why checking that last item off mattered so much.

Reflective as she often found herself lately, Regina took her seat across from Emma, asking, "How's my girl today?"

Emma shrugged and looked at her plate. There was something wrong with it. Not wrong to anyone else, but to her it was. "Yes to apple butter and no syrup on cinnamon toast. I can't eat it." Pushing the plate aside. She really didn't mind syrup on some things, but on cinnamon toast she did. It mattered and she tried to say so, but inside she felt the beginnings of a small coal sparking; making her stomach roll with irritation.

Regina eyed the child then the plates, realizing lost in her prior thoughts she had put her own down in Emma's place instead. Emma's eating habits were meticulous on a good day and while she was happy to accommodate she did not always understand the extremities that sometimes came out if a mistake was made. She wordlessly switched plates. "Here, this plain one is yours and I'll get you the apple butter for you." She said.

Emma eyed that plate. It still was not right. "But it has your germs on it. You always tell me not to eat after other people." She used to do that when she was younger, a habit picked up from not knowing when she would have access to food. Her aunt had worked with her to get new habits and Emma much preferred those now. So much so, she relied on them being the same all the time. Emma could not read the whole look coming her way, but she recognized the raised brow as one that meant she needed to check how she was saying something. "What? You do." She finished with less of the frustration in her voice.

Regina's eyes flashed reminding herself to redirect when her first instinct was something else. "I haven't eaten a thing on that plate, so I hardly warrant that having my germs on it sweetheart. If you don't want something that is offered you say no thank you." Reminding of the proper response to such things she often found herself coaching Emma in.

So Emma said exactly that. "No thank you to syrup and no thank you to germs and…" A throat worked as Emma lost her words. She wants what is offered very much. Especially by the woman who was offering it, but she did not want other things she was having a hard time saying. Her face must have said something else though, Emma figured when her aunt tapped the table with nails. Of the few cues she could read, she knew that gesture and watched as her aunt stood to go across the kitchen to the fridge.

"I spent the better part of this morning preparing this breakfast, your favorite, as a treat to be enjoyed, not argued over Emma. I do not appreciate your tone nor your attitude. Are we clear on both matters?" Regina finished rather firmly returning to the table with the apple butter, setting it near Emma.

"Crystal." Emma mumbled, opening the jar and beginning to spread the gooey sweetness across her toast and then decided against it. In her frustration she had lost her appetite. Not knowing how to explain her feelings she dropped her head into her arms resting on the tabletop, her hair fanned out covering her face. A pose her aunt well knew to leave her alone.

Regina reached to rest a hand on Emma's forearm, but the child shrugged her off. She softened her mouth to say something as her cell rang. Sighing she let her words go and go of Emma to answer the bothersome ring.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

After breakfast was cleared away, Emma curled up on the living room couch to read her new comic. Ten minutes into her fantasy the doorbell jarred her back to the reality of the morning she had been avoiding. Still it was here and she had to deal with it now, but she did not have to like it.

"Aunt Regina!" Emma called upstairs much too loudly as she hopped off the couch. "The door, can I get it?"

"Go ahead; it's probably Ashley." Regina replied from the top of the staircase not bothering to comment on the volume, making her way down while fastening her earrings. With Emma in a tender headspace this morning, she would pick her battles. Regina smoothed a pair of black slacks as she stepped on the landing. She matched it with cream blouse and black waistcoat and heels. Hints of gold jewelry accessorized her look. Her hair stylishly pulled up into a French twist. Today, was the initial review of her research for her thesis by the board. She had quite the presentation laid out to give and her nerves were beginning to creep up.

Emma unlocked the door and despite her sour mood from earlier, she smiled a bit to see her favorite sitter.

"Hi kid, I brought that puzzle for us to do today." Ashley greeted and came into the bright foyer. The lithe teen girl had dark blonde hair, blue eyes, and dimples that showed whenever she smiled.

Regina reminded Ashley of some last minute instructions. "Emma has some homework, a math sheet that needs to be done today and she may watch some television, but no more than an hour. Any questions or concerns, please call me." Regina said while putting on her leather jacket that tied around the waist.

"Alright Ms. Mills, I'll remember." Ashley confirmed, hanging up her things by the door.

Regina knelt in front of Emma who had suddenly found interest in toeing the tile in the foyer and smoothed the bangs off that sad face. After thinking some more about her niece's response over breakfast she thought she might know what the underlying upset might be. "I know I have been working a lot baby, but it's just for a bit longer. Help me and be a good girl for Ashley, today. Perhaps we can go to a movie later, or out to dinner when I get home, alright?" Regina asked, kissing her niece's cheek goodbye and straightening up.

Emma nodded, knowing that something might come up, but still, maybe things were changing. "Okay, but I get to pick the movie." She smiled, happy at least her aunt realized she needed time and hugged the woman about the waist. Regina held her for a long moment before breaking the embrace. Emma waved and watched though the screen door as heels clicked down the walk. Ashley suggested they start the puzzle, but Emma waited until she couldn't see or hear her aunt any longer before she was ready to move from the last bit of comfort that drove away.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The morning passed quickly. Emma had beaten Ashley at Monopoly and Checkers and by 2:00 they both called a tie on their final game. Ashley then prepared a lunch of tomato soup and grilled cheese, the winner's choice. After which, Emma offered to help clean up.

"No, that's okay. I'll get it." Ashley said and began to load the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. "Go ahead and get started on that math homework you have. Let me know if you need any help."

"But if we are home on Saturday I watch TV after lunch. Can't I watch first?" Emma asked.

"Alright, but as soon as one show is over you need to get to work okay?"

"Kay." Emma agreed, making her way into the living room.

Mean time Ashley made a call to her boyfriend and before she knew it, an hour had passed. A little stressed for time she hung up and went to check on the girl. Emma was sitting on the carpet still watching TV, oblivious that Ashley was right behind her. "Hey kid, it's time to do that homework now, and besides you've reached your TV limit for today."

"But a new show already started. I'll do it after it's over." Emma said, not moving her eyes from the screen. Once she started something she always liked to finish it. It felt wrong not to. Her aunt knew that and so did Dr. Hopper and her teacher, so she thought Ashley might too.

"No it's time to do it now." Ashley countered and flipped off the set.

"Hey! Turn it back on." Emma jumped up reaching for the remote but Ashley held it up high out of reach. "Give it to me!"

"Emma I said no, come on… I'll help you with the assignment and it won't take so long." The teen calmly offered and was met with troubled green eyes she was not sure she liked being on the other end of.

"You're not being fair. I need to finish it!" Emma whined, her face growing pink. She wanted more than to finish the show. The fact that she did not handle instruction well from others, plus her bad mood from the morning already predisposed her to shoot off and vent her anger at someone. The coal inside of her was becoming a smoldering ember, ready to ignite.

"You can't throw a fit every time you don't get your way. I'm being fair. It's time for homework."

"NO! This first, then that." Came a wail followed by one foot stomping. Emma bit her lip then as she bawled her small hands into hard fists, pounding them against her thighs. She tried to take a deep breath but her lungs didn't seem to be working right.

"Emma. It's okay—" Trying again, but Ashley realized she was only making it worse. Emma had gotten upset with her before, but nothing like this and she was not sure what to do.

"No! It's not okay. It's not going to be okay!" Yelling again what she could finally say, Emma felt tears pushing and she held them back. She couldn't cry now. Not when the one who knew how to make it better was not here to help this type of tears to stop when she was ready for them to.

"I'm calling your aunt." Frustrated and with a lack of knowing the right answer to pacify the girl in front of her the teen gave up and went into the kitchen to make the call.

Emma meanwhile sniffled and went to turn back on the TV for a distraction. She turned the volume up loud even though the loud noises tended to bother her. But right now the loud one in her head bothered her more. She needed to drown out the voice in her head telling her things were not okay. That she was not okay at all. It made her feel out of control and so she tried to control what she could by pressing the volume button up once more.

A few minutes later Ashley came out of the kitchen and with the TV blaring and remote still in hand she shut it off. Emma whirled around and was about to protest when the teen thrust a cell phone out to her. The child paled, not actually believing that Ashley would follow through with that threat.

Emma took the phone and winced as she put it to her ear, "Hi?"

_"Hi baby, what's this I hear about you throwing a fit and refusing to do your homework?"_

The firm question into her ear made the spinning feeling in her stomach begin to slow down. "I want TV first…" Emma tried, but the rest of the why failed her, eyes grew teary again knowing she was in trouble.

 _"All I asked you to do today was your homework and you gave me your word that you would listen to Ashley. I don't ask much of you, but when I do I expect to be obeyed."_ In her frustration over being interrupted at such a critical point in her speech, Regina closed her eyes and rested her head briefly against the cool marble wall outside of the door she had come from. Not believing how much she had just sounded like her own mother and hating the fact.

"I didn't mean to!" Emma shouted in her upset.

Regina turned around to lean against the wall and looked up at the ceiling. _"Emma you do not get to shout at me or anyone else for that matter. Take a deep breath and try again."_

"But I didn't!" Another hot outburst.

 _"_ _Alright you didn't."_ Relenting and trying to coach with choices as Archie had taught her. Sometimes that worked and sometimes it did not. Regina was still learning how to tame these kinds of fits. The man insisted it would get easier with time, but after a near year of it, Regina was not so sure. _"We will discuss it later. For now, you need to start calming down. Would you like to try your breathing or use your stress ball?"_

Blonde curls shook as Emma crossed her free arm over her stomach. It wasn't like that. She didn't need that right now. Accusing. "You're **not** listening to me! And you're nev—"

 _"_ _I am trying to listen to you Emma. Please stop shouting at me. That is not how we talk to each other."_ Another prompt when suddenly the door opened and her colleague was waving her back inside. Regina held up a finger, her patience thinning. _"This is your last warning baby."_ Adding the affection she hoped would give Emma pause. The last thing she wanted to do was to set her foot down over the phone when she was not there to read Emma's body language, but child up in arms and Ashley unsure of what to do she thought she just might have to. When nothing but quick breaths filled her ear, she tried again with a line the therapist told her to use. _"What strategy would you like to use?"_

Emma breathed through her nose, her nostrils flaring. She wanted her aunt to come home. Those arms to hold the mess she was dissolving into. Maybe if she kept pushing that would happen. "Stop asking that!" And, that last word made her crack, giving way to the tear now falling down her cheek. More were coming she knew it and she couldn't stop them, but Emma needed to stop them before they took over and turned into something more. While there were some kinds of tears that were hard for her to let go of, there were some that once released did not let go of her. Those were the scary kind.

 _"That's enough."_ Regina spoke in a low undertone she knew Emma well understood to heed. Her colleague pointed to his watch and Regina held up her finger again. _"Now I want you to apologize to Ashley and then go to your room."_

Emma squirmed and cradled the phone tighter in her hand. "But—"

At what she thought was another outburst coming Regina quickly added to make her point that she was done with the display of behavior. "You are grounded for rest of the day." Regina confirmed her voice low to not allow others around her to hear her conversation. She had been right in the middle of explaining the rationale behind her current research in the conference room for board consideration when Ashley's phone call had interrupted her. Worry for Emma and the teen never having done so before, she requested a short break to step out into the hall under the questioning eyes of the board. Regina rubbed her temple with her free hand fighting a pending headache.

"What about the movie?" Emma asked, her cheeks now thoroughly wet and severely disappointed that she would miss their date for the evening. Maybe too that meant she would not get to spend time with her aunt either. That idea made her tummy hurt more.

"I'm sorry Emma, but you lost that privilege." Regina said more gently, noting the child's discontent. Maybe that had not been the best decision in the heat of the moment, but it had certainly calmed Emma's tone right down. To be consistent she couldn't take it back, but she could do something. _"We'll have our outing next weekend and that doesn't mean we won't spend time together when I get home later… Emma… Sweetheart, are you there?"_ Regina asked, not hearing a response.

"Ms. Mills, its Ashley. She dropped the phone and ran upstairs. Do you want me to get her?"

Migraine was in full swing now and Regina sighed heavily knowing she would need to reschedule this meeting for another day. "No, that's fine." But it wasn't fine for many reasons. "Just take her homework sheet up to her room, so she has it if she decides to do it. I'll see you in fifteen minutes."

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Upon entrance, Regina's ears were met with shrill yelling coming from upstairs, the very distinctive yelling of Emma in a full blown fit. They didn't happen nearly as much as they once had when Emma used to lose full control, but for anyone that had never seen one before they were jarring to say the least. She dropped her briefcase and purse by the door and hurried up the stairs.

The flicker of flame she had seen hints of that morning had begun to burn, like Emma's rage coming from down the hall did right through her skin.

"I don't have to fucking listen to you! You aren't my MOM!"

Regina cringed as she heard the unmistakable sound of things being thrown. When she entered the doorway, Ashley stood backed up in a corner watching in horror as Emma, who was standing in the middle, hurled anything hands could grab from pillows to action figures. The woman hesitated a moment, struck by the sheer mess of it all, knowing by the state of the room and Emma's thunderous wailing that the fit had been in effect for quite a while now. Regina found her resolve and deftly came up behind her niece to take up the girl around the middle in a bear hug with the girls arms crossed at the middle, making sure Emma was secure against her chest and couldn't get arms out. A move learned long ago in order to safely restrain when this happened.

Emma struggled and kicked as she flailed in those arms, trying to fight her way out of her aunt's hold. But Regina held on, murmuring things against her ear she couldn't hear at first over her own cries, but slowly she started to make out the calm in the husk telling her she was safe. That it was going to be okay. That she, Emma was okay…

Ashley stood there, with tears in her eyes, mouth wide open and unable to move.

Finally, after a few minutes, Regina felt the fight go out of Emma's body and she loosened her grip. "That's it baby, calm down. Take some deep breaths for me." Regina soothed trying to help the distressed child regain some composure.

But in the uncertainty of the new calm Emma began to fight against it once more. "Stop telling me what to do. I don't have to listen to you!" Emma said loudly as she started to get worked up again, but they were just words. She had let go of the physical fight from sheer exhaustion as sweat poured down her face, stinging her eyes. Hate for someone not in the room burned in those green pools, boiling the surface ready to scald anyone who dare try to tame her. Emma struggled only briefly once more against her aunt's authority, but stopped, her muscles relaxing from such a strenuous fight. A bit of anxiety pricked her, damping her inner flame as she had forgotten just whom she was talking too. Regina quickly reminded her.

The woman turned the girl around by her shoulders, their mismatched eyes inches apart. Calm laced with something else spoke. "I want you to stay right here and continue to calm down. I don't know what happened, but your behavior is absolutely unacceptable." Regina cupped Emma's chin when the girl's heat began to die down and green storms had started to look away. "And if I ever hear you using that kind of language again..." A breath and then, she took two. Again hating where her words went upon first reaction. Regina swallowed down the ones that were not her own and added more of herself. "You are not to talk like that to anyone. Do you understand?" Emma scowled and jerked away. Regina took another deep breath. "I mean it Emma. You and I are going to have a lengthy discussion about your behavior today and you need to answer me so I know you understand what I have said to you."

Emma huffed a "Yesss," as she flopped down on her bed, burying her pink face into her pillow.

Regina chose not to remark on that tone and gestured for Ashley to go ahead of her out of the room. Emma more than needed a few minutes of quiet to further calm down. They both did before they could talk anymore.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"Why did she do that?" Ashley asked, taking a sip of cold water, still shaken from the incident upstairs some minutes ago.

Regina poured herself a cup of hot tea she just brewed and stirred in a touch of milk as she contemplated the teen's loaded question. "When she was younger someone she loved very much hurt her deeply. She has a lot of anger and hate inside of her for this person and sometimes her emotions are too big for her to handle, so she acts out. Though, she hasn't acted out quite like this in a very long time." Then more for herself than the teenager in the room. "Something must have triggered her." Regina murmured as she began to sip her tea.

Ashley's brows shot up and blue eyes became glassy as she looked down at her hands, which twisted the hem of her shirt into a wrinkled mess, "Was it something I did?"

"Goodness no and I wasn't suggesting it." Regina answered, feeling somewhat guilty. "I have a feeling I know what set her off and it involves me, not you."

"Still, I hope she feels better. I had better get going Ms. Mills. I have soccer practice tonight. Our first game is tomorrow." Ashley said welcoming the feeling of relief and wiped at her eyes as she stood from her perch on the kitchen stool by the island.

"Let me pay you and see you out." Regina said and followed the teen to the door where she took three twenties from her purse and handed them to the girl, thanking her for her time.

Once the door shut, Regina leaned against it taking a deep breath and letting it go slowly, wondering how she was going to broach the little storm upstairs. She knew where it came from. Understood the roots of pain her niece was struggling to let out. Emma had grown up in a nightmare they were just now starting to get a handle on between therapy and the gift of time, but it was still hard. Hard for them both in so many ways. Especially on days like today.

Yes, she well understood that pain.

Regina knew what hell was. She had been raised in it. Trained to wear the mask of a perfect child while they all played house wrapped in the perfect bow of a white picket fence behind forced smiles and propriety her mother and stepfather had insisted upon. Her whole life she had fought for something different. To be something more that what she had come from. She was smart. Book smart and relied on that to be her ticket out. From an early age Regina threw herself into her studies and school quickly became her safe haven. Away from her Mother. Away from her step father's hands.

She had worked on herself—not to be like them.

Her mother had told her to wait. Just wait until she had a _'little shit'_ of a kid running around that was just like her. Then and only then Cora had said would Regina understand just how good she had it. Regina had never wanted children for a few reasons, but the one that mattered being she did not want to repeat the cycle of abuse. Terrified that in some way some how she would be never be entirely free of their claim on her. Scared to death of being just like them if she did not win the battle of her past.

And she had battled something fierce there.

For years, she had fought. With her stepfather's voice in her head, too. One statement in particular he said when she had been crying at his feet that had never faded the way the scars on her body had. _'You're worthless. Broken and no one has any use for something that is broken.'_

Regina began to wonder; if good could come from broken? She hoped so. Needed that hope to be true with everything that she was. That night, the night of her high school graduation, she had left that house for good to begin to find the answer to that question. While other teenagers were celebrating with their families or partying it up, she walked down the street with just enough money in her pocket for a bus ticket to somewhere. Left with a bleeding lip, the clothes on her back, a few well-loved trinkets in a bag, and her ID. All she had to rely on was her brain, the promise of a choice between a few hard-earned scholarships in the fall, and hope.

And that had been enough to see Regina through her goals. To go all the way in school; to be the best, the brightest, the most. To grow as far and as fast as she could into the sky away from everything the dirty roots of past were holding her too. She knew how to take care of herself and longed to do so for others for the way she had failed her sister she had left behind. Taking care of others outside of her professional field was not something Regina did well. With the children she treated and worked with it was different. At the end of the appointment or treatment they went back to their parents well again and Regina went back to her work. Anything more than that lens of professional care was too personal.

Regina thought she had found her answer to the question years ago when she had become a success in her chosen field. She had her health, her practice, some close acquaintances she could call friends. She was well traveled and financially secure. She was something more. Like she has always wanted to be.

But she was lonely.

More than that, Regina wanted someone to share her life with. She wanted a family. Always and always, she wanted the normalcy and warmth that word promised. That steady reliability of knowing someone had her back. Like she would have theirs. That there was someone she could give her heart to, but letting people in had never been her strength. Mal had been one that had gotten close, but that relationship had never progressed to more than a warm friendship. They had tried and Regina had pulled away. She had thrown herself back into her work.

Then Emma appeared on her doorstep and she had to question her heart in ways she never had before. To question the very code she lived by to protect herself by protecting Emma… A loud crash from upstairs followed by several smaller thuds broke her reflective train of thought.

"Not again." Regina said as she hurried upstairs. Once on the landing, she followed the noise right to her home office door and froze; her face ashen. "What did—you do?" She half asked around the breaking as she gazed in wide eyed shock as her current thesis lay thrown across the room, ripped, and trampled upon. Nearly two hundred pages, all of which had once been painstakingly organized, typed, and edited strewn from one end of the room to the other along with broken thumb drives holding the backup research.

All destroyed.

Four years of her time, sweat and study gone all in the whirlwind of an enraged child's irate fit. Regina brought her hands to her face covering her mouth, her eyes blinking rapidly against the tears forming in her eyes now taking in the whole scene. Her heels near tripped over wads of paper as she stepped into the room.

Emma backed up a step, her chest heaving from intensity. "You never listen to me. This is the only way you listen! Only when I do something bad!" She yelled opening her arms indicating the mess she had made and stomping her foot, her small face contorted. "You're always working, you're never here. It's the same all the time. I hate it!" She let go of her feelings and that heat diminished somewhat when she finally took in her aunt's pained expression.

Then it changed into something else.

Regina's face went from pale shock to suppressed upset very quickly. It snuck up on her and where it was coming from she could not place and that scared her. "Go to your room." Regina broke the silence with a sharp tone and covered her mouth again to keep from doing so once more when Emma did not move.

The little girl paused. Her aunt never raised her voice. Emma backed up another step. The momentary feeling of bravery left, as the adrenaline drained from her system. She raised her green eyes to meet her aunt's gaze with one stubborn yet wilting defiance left. "No."

Regina turned away from the girl and crossed to the far side of the room, distancing herself physically, her body trembling with emotion. She swallowed hard, the power struggle between them drenching the air, slowly putting out the flames which had began to smoke. The day, her years work, the outburst, the too much of it all billowed in invisible clouds choking the room.

"Emma…" Regina worked to find her voice and found someone else's instead. Low, distant and completely not herself. "You need to do as I tell you right now."

Emma suddenly felt her blood chill at her aunt's words. It reminded her of her mother's inflection and tone. The girl's feet became rooted to the spot, her bare toes grasping into the carpet searching for some kind of reassuring stability when normally it came from that mouth.

Hearing no movement from the child Regina turned around. "I need you to listen to me. I am upset and we each need some time to calm down. Go to your room." Regina said, her voice shook, her manner sharp. The room was quiet for a long moment, the silence deafening.

"But you're _not_ listening to me." Emma said, her voice faltering at the end and giving way to an ache in her tummy realizing she was in deep trouble.

Regina had had enough and her last string of patience had broken with Emma's words. She crossed the large room.

Emma remained still, but at the last moment she regretted not listening. Her hand was taken and then up under her arm when she tried to sit on the floor when she was led toward the office door. One swat landed on her behind for her efforts and she squirmed. It hadn't hurt, but it got her attention. Moreover, as the weighted silence of it after fully registered she stopped digging her heels into the carpet and completely lost her composure to tears as she sunk once again the floor.

Without a word, Regina easily lifted Emma up by the middle under her left arm and carried her down the hallway. Emma was petite and the weight was no match for Regina's slim, but strong build. Once at the child's bedroom door, Regina set her niece down and eased her through the open doorway.

"I want you to stand there." She instructed her eyes wet with tears that had yet to fall and pointed to a bare corner at the far end of Emma's room.

"But…"

Regina shook her head and quietly gestured again. Finally, Emma listened and moved across the room. "Stay there until I come for you." Regina said, watching as Emma placed herself in the corner. She needed Emma safe and still she could return to herself.

She left the door open as she crossed the hall to her room where she could still see Emma as she paced back and forth trying to calm down. Never in a very long time had she been so upset or felt so hurt by something someone had done.

And the worst part for Regina was that she could not deny anything Emma had claimed back in that office.

 

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Regina sat on her bed, her knees brought up to her chest and her head resting atop them. She had let down her hair, which fell in loose waves over her face, like a lustrous silk curtain to shield her from the reality before her. She had cried quietly, her feelings still raw from a situation she had realized had been a trigger for them both. Though she was somewhat pacified now by allowing herself a quiet moment and some release.

Now that she was calmer she drew herself up to stand and check on Emma. Her bare feet padded softly down the carpeted hallway to her niece's doorway. Emma was still standing exactly where Regina had left her. Regina crossed her arms under her breasts and leaned against the doorway, feeling the need for the wood grain's strong, stable support.

"Emma..." She started, voice somewhat hoarse and stopped when the child jumped at her word as if startled from deep thought. Emma turned around, back now pressed against the corner. Like her own, the child's eyes were red and slightly swollen from crying. "Emma, you may come out of the corner now."

The girl shook her head no.

"Are you afraid?" Regina asked, suddenly sick with herself. She kept her voice steady and tranquil. Her normal tone finally returned to her. Emma's head shook no, but gave no other indication that was an answer to her question. A fresh tear found its way down the now worn path of Regina's cheek and she left it there as she spoke. "I'm sorry I yelled. I was shocked at the mess and…" A sigh. "You and I need to talk about what happened, but right now I just want to hold you. Would that be alright?" Regina asked and with Emma's small nod she moved to sit on the girl's twin canopy bed, made up with quilts and stuffed animals.

Emma quickly made her way over and allowed Regina to lift her up to sit on a lap. The woman held her close and rocked. Emma's limbs were stiff from standing still, and she welcomed the relaxing movement and warmth from her aunt's body so much that in her guilt of exhaustion she fell asleep…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Next chapter will pick up where this one leaves off. I will be posting consistently on Saturdays. I'm curious how Emma's thoughts/actions are coming across. Any guesses on what her underlying issue is?


	4. The Something More

Chapter 4 – The Something More

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Emma shifted, feeling the soft warmth of sheets tangled around her limbs. Slowly she opened her eyes to the quiet, staring at the swirling pattern on the ceiling from her nightlight for a moment before pushing herself to sit up. Her room was dim save for the sun's evening shadows growing on the carpet through her drapes. A glance at her clock told her it was 7:15, still awhile before her bedtime of 9:00.

With butterflies fluttering in her stomach as the memory of day returned, she slipped out of bed just now noticing she was wearing her PJs. Then she recalled being helped to change in her weary state earlier before being tucked into bed for a nap. She made her way to the door way and stuck her head out into the hall.

Emma spied her aunt sitting in the bedroom across the way typing on a laptop. She eased out her door and slowly down the hall, feet left depressions of hesitancy in the thick carpet. She stopped at the French double doorway to her aunt's large room. Regina still hadn't noticed her as Emma studied the scene, wondering how best to begin.

"Hi." The girl's voice cracked the stuffy silence with a whisper.

Regina looked up quickly, taking off her reading glasses and smiled encouragingly, but with some fatigue to her niece.

For the first time Emma noticed shadows about her aunt that she hadn't ever noticed before. Some of the light was gone from that face she loved. The light had hidden itself away somewhere and Regina seemed older to Emma just then, older for just a moment.

"Hi baby," Regina greeted and patted the bed. The girl shuffled over and jumped up to sit on the high sleigh bed opposite her but Emma did not meet her eyes.

"What are you working on?"

Emma's question held a touch of scorn that only Regina could perceive. "I just sent out an e-mail to my advisor asking him for the copy of my thesis back. It was supposed to be published this spring, but I told him I had some more revisions to do." Regina said softly without blame or ridicule. It was not her most updated copy, but it would be a starting point. She knew she had to be calm and patient with this child, given Emma's history. A calm and patience she had lost somewhere along the way today.

"So, it's not all gone? I mean, you still have a copy?" The girl asked somewhat hopeful. Emma hated that her aunt worked so much, but she didn't want her fit to have the ripple effect she had originally intended when she had first been upset. The guilt of her actions hung in a miserable cloud over her head and in the thick tangle of it forming in her stomach.

"Yes, my dear girl. It's not completely gone. Just the draft I've been working on the last few months. As it is, for other reasons, the publication will be pushed back until next fall or later even, if needed."

"I'm sorry. I really am." Emma was hushed as Regina put a finger to her lips.

"Baby I want you to listen to me very carefully alright?"

Emma watched a red mouth in wait, then remembered to use her words. "Okay."

"When I put you in time out it was because I needed one myself. I was upset with you and myself back there and I needed time to think." Blonde brows joined under Regina's words and at Emma's apparent confusion, she elaborated. "I thought a great deal about what you said; about my working all the time and being so busy, and I realized I was really upset with myself for being so involved with my practice. I promise I'll cut back on my hours to be home more with you." Regina paused, reflecting on the past few months of her work schedule knowing she had taken on too big of a client caseload.

"But you don't get upset. I mean you don't show it." Emma stated genuinely perplexed at what her aunt was trying to say.

"I'm human Emma; I have all the same feelings you have inside of you." Regina explained, remembering just how naive Emma still was about emotions. "I'm just in very good control most of the time of what I show to you. Maybe too much so." She paused over that idea and realized she needed to start doing a better job of sharing her feelings with her niece. "I will try harder to share more with you when you ask. I'm not very good at that." She admitted.

"Maybe we can help each other." Emma said. She liked that idea and then pulled at a loose thread on the embroidered bed spread contemplating what her aunt had just said. "I'm not like other kids." The statement had an immediate effect on her aunt. Brown eyes studied her in a way she was not sure she understood the why of. "I'm not normal like them. I don't get stuff and I say and do the wrong things when other kids know what to do. They're smarter than me. Not book smart, but people smart…" She trailed off.

Regina pulled Emma into her lap and the girl found the familiar crook of her neck to nest into. "We've talked a little about this before sweetheart." Getting ready to explain once again what they had more times discussed than she had fingers to count upon. But as Emma was getting older and that social emotional growth was not happening as it should be she was not sure how much her theory still applied. She needed to talk to Dr. Hopper about it, push for a referral, but for now she went with it. "Sometimes when things happen to us when we are small our minds, bodies, or emotions may need more time to develop in certain areas. For you that is in the area of emotions. It's not your fault, nor is it a bad thing. It's just something we will continue to be patient with and help to grow."

"Just for me?"

"No, everyone has something they need help to grow within themselves."

Emma relaxes a little and wondered. "Even you?"

"Especially me."

"I didn't mean to ruin your paper all the way." Guilt spoke.

"And why did you try to?"

"Because I wanted you to know how I felt and it went too far. It just came out."

"What came out?" Regina knew the answer, but she wanted the child to identify the feeling.

Thinking. "My anger, there's too much of it." Emma sniffled, her answer coming out as a complaint.

"Well, we will have to help remedy that."

"A spanking?" She asked in a very small voice even though she already knew her actions would lead her down this road long before she had had her fit. She instinctively wrapped her arms tighter around her aunt, who reassured her with a squeeze.

"Yes baby, and besides your fit there is also the matter of you going into my office. What is our rule about my office and my personal things?" Regina asked. Personal space and privacy meant a great deal to her. Probably more so than it should. Another thing she needed to work on it seemed.

"I need to ask you first," Emma responded quietly.

"That's right, so here is what's going to happen," She began and paused for the way Emma was looking at her. Green eyes were focused on her mouth as she spoke. "What's wrong?"

"I'm not hungry. You were going to first say we are going eat dinner and then talk some more, but I don't want to eat anything." She never could when she had guilt gut as bad as she did tonight.

It was worse than the time she had purposely added black dye to a wash of Regina's summer whites in her aunt's preparation to leave town for a long weekend in Mexico with friends. It was the first time that Regina was to leave her in a close friends care to enjoy something called 'R' and 'R'. Emma was upset over being 'left behind' for R and R, so she tried to ruin the linen outfits in hope that she would not go. Emma realized then as she did now she was not the only one who could feel guilt in such a way.

"Honestly I am not either." Regina expressed, but she did not like the idea of Emma missing a meal. Child was a picky eater on a good day and getting Emma to eat a full meal was no easy feat and in moments like this she tried, but would not push. "Maybe later we'll both feel differently."

"I just want to feel better." Snuggling into those arms more Emma waited for direction she had come to rely on.

"We will take care of your consequence and then if you are still not hungry you are going right to bed." Emma could more than use the extra sleep Regina decided. "Tomorrow, we will clean up my office and your room together. Then you will apologize to Ashley. I will go with you, but you will tell her you're sorry."

"Okay." Emma mumbled, the need there, but she tried to get out of it as she always did. "But do we have too?" Lowering her gaze, then her chin was lifted with one manicured finger.

"There are times, like this one where you need a little help to let go of your feelings in order to learn the lesson at hand. I also think some time over my lap will benefit you immensely because I refuse to experience a repeat of your behavior." Regina confirmed untangling Emma's arms from around herself and lifted the girl up to stand.

"Aunt Regina," Emma whined.

Regina hated to discipline this child, but knew she had to remain consistent and predictable for her rules to stick. Emma relied on those and her for direction on how to navigate emotions and social norms. Any break or distance from that known path did not serve Emma well by any means. So she moved to sit on the edge of the bed, the laptop pushed over on her bedside table. Beckoning Emma closer the girl took a step forward so their legs were touching. "Tell me why we are here Emma."

"Because I threw stuff and yelled a lot at you and Ashley and went into your office." Her chin dropped, again heavy on these things she knew not to do. She knew, but they were hard not to give into. "I ripped up your paper and didn't listen to stop or when you told me to go to my room."

Regina understood just how hard admitting those things again had been for Emma. However, they were a necessary step in the ritual between them for Emma to get what was needed from her. "That was very good, baby."

Emma's head shot up at the praise and she took it in and the moment quietly between them as she focused on feeling the warmth of her aunt's hands on her own. Regina gently guided her across a lap, wrapping an arm around her waist, drawing her close. Even for the why of being here, Emma felt safe because they were here together.

She waited, but nothing happened and she took a breath. Then another as her hair was stroked. Emma further settled into her place just then as the first of what she expected to be quite some had her face in a nearby pillow her arms had taken up. She began to squirm as a back and forth rhythm commenced. Slow and steady and each one gave her mind pause to stop and think as she so often struggled to do on her own.

She sniffled, already feeling the beginnings of release teasing her eyes. These were the tears she needed help letting go of. The ones caused by the guilt of her actions. The repressed emotions she struggled to understand and reconcile. In this case, it was both and in both she began to feel them rising in a different way. Began to exchange the heat she had held onto all day for the heat building up on skin under her PJ pants as her aunt's words from before began to sink in. Just as these new ones were too.

"We have had this same discussion a few different times now Emma and I intend this to be its last." Regina began to explain as she lowered cotton pants. She ran her forearm in a soothing motion across to ease the warmth her hand had caused. "Your tantrums, language and overall attitude have been asking for my attention lately. I would much rather talk to you about your feelings with you sitting on my lap baby. However, if this is what you need to let go and get all those hard feelings out of you I am willing to help you with that."

Emma began to listen when she could not listen before as her aunt continued, but her legs got a life of their own. There was a pause for a moment as she felt an arm under her waist gently lifting her up a bit as a knee moved away before she was lowered back down and a leg returned over her squirming ones. Her kicking secured and nothing else to do but give into her need Emma began to let go.

To let go of her last hold on the heat of anger that had consumed her that day. It came rushing down her cheeks and her nose in small rivers. Then out of her mouth with a cry. There was another pause as her back was rubbed after she gasped from the sting she finally felt. A few more stings bloomed bright and ensured she could not sniff back the tears that were her own no longer. She went limp giving them over to the one that had helped her draw them forth.

Emma cried. Long and deep, giving in fully to the moment of peace her mind and heart had settled within.

Regina continued to rub that small back after adjusting the child's body across both her knees as Emma made no effort to get up just yet. She had tears in her own eyes as she stroked her niece's hair in a calming effort. "Take your time baby; get up when you want to." It was a good few minutes more of crying before the child made any attempt to stand. When she finally did, Regina helped Emma up and righted PJ bottoms before taking the bundle of girl in arms to sit on her lap.

Little one buried a damp face in Regina's breast, her arms around her aunt's neck clinging.

Regina rocked, arms wrapped consolingly around the child. She kissed Emma's forehead and lingered on wet cheeks before resting her own on a crown of curls. "There's my sweet girl. Let all those tough feelings go away."

Emma rubbed her eye nodding as they did slip away. She sniffed as her underlying feelings became clear for the first time all day now that her anger was gone. "I don't like when it gets twisted up like that in me. I don't like feeling that way. I hate being so angry when it does. I just want to let it all go, but it's always there, like it's teasing me or something. Sometimes I can't control it. Like today." She whispered the last part as she focused on the sound of the heart under her ear.

"You will learn how to control it in time, how to release it in other ways. I'll always be here to help you with that." Regina quietly promised that and much more. More like she had always tried to do by protecting her sister. She had been able to be more for Zelena when they had been small children, but not when they had begun to grow up and their relationship fragmented within the carefully kept secrets behind closed doors. But now, for Emma, Regina was in a place where she could be and do something more. And this time she would not fail.

"I don't really hate your work or the herbs you like."

"Oh no?" A dark brow rose as red lips bowed up.

"No."

"I'm glad of that."

Emma thought she might be too as she rubbed her finger back and forth over the bridge of her aunts knuckles. "I think it's cool that you help kids feel better when they are sick. Kind of like the heroes in my comics. You're like them. They save people too." Emma let a small smile play on her lips before she broke into a yawn.

Regina glanced at the clock on her nightstand. It was nearing eight and she thought they both were more than done with the day. "Alright sweetheart, I think it's your bedtime unless you'd like something to eat?" She tried coaxing.

Green eyes were hooded and a little head shook.

"How about some special tea to help you sleep?"

"Chamomile?"

"And lavender with a little passion flower."

Emma's nose wrinkled. "Honey too?"

"Always."

"Then yes please."

"Let's get you washed up a bit first then I'll make your tea before I tuck you in." Thinking a warm cloth on those pink cheeks might be welcome. She let her arms relax but Emma was not letting her go.

"Just hold me some more." Asking for what she needed, Emma needed more. "And I don't want to be by myself tonight. Can I sleep in here and my bear too? He doesn't want to be alone." Emma stated quite adamantly, leaving no room for argument, which of course her aunt offered none.

"We may certainly do that, but Henry Bear is staying on your side of the bed." Playing along about the well loved stuffed toy being an excuse for closeness that was sometimes hard for Emma to ask for. "I seem to remember someone's cold feet waking me up the last time he was in here with you." Regina smiled hugging the child once more to her breast, deeply loving what this little girl had come to be in her heart.

The something more she had been searching a lifetime for grinned sleepily up at Regina. She knew then that the answer to a long asked question about how good could from broken was beginning to make itself known to them both in such a way that was about to change their lives forever.


	5. The Christmas Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina's and Emma's past comes knocking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – There's a lot of waiting in hospitals so I had time to edit and I needed to keep my mind busy today – so here you go.

 

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**(Chapter 5)** _The Christmas Gift_

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Coming down the staircase at 7:30 on a bright Saturday morning Regina was slightly startled to hear a scraping noise coming from kitchen archway. She had expected to be the only one awake. Stifling a yawn, she crossed the living room and stood at the kitchen threshold. Silently she watched with much amusement as her ten year old niece climbed on top of a straight backed chair and up onto the counter top to reach the high cabinet above the stove.

Regina covered her mouth to hide a smile growing. Emma looked rather adorable in this current mischievous adventure. The girl was in a well loved pair of red flannel PJs. Regina had been looking to replace them with another matching set as they were getting too small, but the child was not ready to part with them yet. Emma had a hard time letting go of things even when they were no longer useful. Regina learned to make a game of donating items her niece grew out of and replacing each one with something similar each year. In doing so Emma had come to learn that letting things go was okay and that accepting change or new things could be a good thing.

A pointed tongue stuck out of Emma's mouth as the child tried to stand tiptoe to reach a tin of homemade Christmas cookies that were way in the back. It was the day before Christmas Eve and Regina had a busy one planned with last minute shopping and errands to run. She had planned to get a head start on the day by getting up early to double check her lists and maybe wrap a few more gifts before her niece awoke, but it appeared that Emma had beat her to it.

"Sweetheart, cookies are not a very good breakfast choice." Regina said softly trying not to cause a startle.

Emma peeked over her shoulder, surprised to see her aunt standing there. "But I didn't get any yet." She looked between those brown eyes for a moment. Her nose wrinkled up in question. " _After_ breakfast?"

"How about after dinner instead?" Asked with a small grin as she came closer. This banter over sweets was not new between them.

"Hmmmmm." The girl seemed to consider and a little brow quirked up copying the one across from her. "After lunch?"

Regina tapped her chin playfully. "I might be willing to be alright with that. But it is going to cost you."

Emma held up one finger with a little smirk.

"Not quite my dear girl. Those are my extra special cinnamon chocolate cookies we are talking about."

Then two fingers shot up as that grin grew.

Regina reached up to steady Emma about the waist. "Two kisses _and_ a hug then you have yourself a deal."

"Deal!" Emma sank down to sit on the counter top and wrapped her arms around a neck while popping two quick kisses on a cheek. "Two kisses mean two cookies." Ever one to try and negotiate more sweets for herself.

Laughing. "Where did you learn such prime negotiating skills my little lawyer?"

A shrug and a smile. "I watch _Law and Order_ with Granny and Ruby after school. I'm hungry." As if that explained it all Emma slid off the counter and used the chair a step down to the floor and dragged it back over to the table in the breakfast nook.

Regina laughed as she tightened the sash on her silk robe. "What would you like for breakfast?" Emma looked to the cabinet and then back at her once more. "Cookies are not an option right this moment, as we just discussed. Would you like oatmeal or eggs and toast?"

"I want cookies because I didn't get to try them last night." Repeating why she had been on the countertop to begin with. She had been sent to bed early to fight off her crabbiness with some extra shut eye. While Emma had gotten some rest she had not slept all that well.

Regina ran a hand through her hair breaking dark curls into soft waves as she turned on the coffee pot, which hummed as it dispensed a black, frothy liquid. Repeating things with Emma nothing new, she then turned around and prompted. "I gave you two choices; now please tell me which you would like for breakfast."

"Eggs and toast please."

"Go ahead and get me an egg and the apple butter from the fridge and I'll make it for you."

An egg was handed over as she tousled the still sleepy girl's hair affectionately. Regina could tell by Emma's eyes that there was something needing to be let out, but trusted that the girl would say something at some point this morning when ready. The two were silent as the egg was scrambled and bread toasted.

Meanwhile, Emma got her favorite plate and after her aunt dished food, she covered everything in apple butter, even her eggs. Always apple butter for near everything at breakfast and she scooped another huge table spoon onto her toast and began to spread it.

"Easy sweetheart."

"But it's good for me. It has fruit in it."

"And sugar. That's enough baby." Regina popped the lid on the jar before Emma could get a third helping and took it back to the fridge thinking at this rate she just might want to start buying stock in apple butter.

Emma shrugged as she worked with what she had on her spoon. Watching as Regina added heavy cream to a cup of coffee and a fresh bagel from the bread-box to a plate. They both moved to sit at the table. Emma loved when they shared meals together, which was more leisurely than normal since she had been home from school this week on break. As she ate, her thoughts wandered.

When she had lived with her mother, meals were hit or miss and when they did eat it was never together. Often Emma had gotten handed something out of a bag or something that someone else had already started to eat. Emma didn't care then. Then food was food and she knew to eat what was offered when it was in front of her in case it went away. Now there were so many choices and sometimes those choices were overwhelming. So her aunt usually just gave her two to pick from and that helped take that spinning feeling in her tummy away. Emma continued to eat slowly and carefully to make sure all her food remained not touching of the other. She didn't like it when it did.

Regina began her morning routine on her laptop of checking e-mail as she occasionally glanced at Emma across the table. Since she had closed her office earlier in this week her inbox was completely full and she had been spending the better part of each morning answering the piling e-mails. There were less of them than usual certainly, as she had kept her word to Emma about lessening her client caseload. She had referred a dozen active cases to another colleague and that effect had allowed her to begin spending more time at home. With winter break here they had the last week to themselves. Something they were both enjoying immensely.

After a while Emma broke the comfortable silence, "I had that dream again last night." She whispered, not looking up to see if her aunt was paying attention for she knew Regina always was. She had shared this dream before, but last night it had been different and Emma was not sure how she felt about it other than she needed to share. "The one where the witch takes me away on her broom. She flew high above everything."

Regina looked over the rim of her laptop at her niece, her fingers frozen above the keys. Her brow wrinkled in concern for the child who had been plagued with this nightmare for years. Emma never said who the witch was, but they both more than knew. She listened as Emma spoke and didn't miss the hint of tremor in that voice. Usually Emma did not talk about the details of this dream or most for that matter. If they were particularly awful Emma would come quietly to her at night and get under the covers seeking comfort. The lack of Emma last night in her room within the presence of this dream had her worrying.

"She circled in the sky and I tried to hang on to the broom, but she dropped me. Always in the dream you catch me somehow," Emma shifted in her seat, suddenly needing to move. It was a dream. A stupid dream, she knew that, but it didn't feel that way. It was different. This time it was oh so different. And in the different Emma pushed her plate aside while pushing her chair away from the table to stand up, her eyes locked on the floor, "but this time, you didn't catch me." She walked out of the kitchen before Regina could reach for her hand and left her aunt only to stare after in conflicted silence.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The rest of the morning had fallen apart since sharing her dream. Her aunt was trying to connect with her in the small ways Emma had come to count on, but she kept pushing the woman away. She knew it was just a dream, but her dreams always felt way too real. Her aunt and therapist called some of them she didn't ever remember night terrors. Others she remembered were referred to as nightmares.

The difference seemed to matter, but Emma was not sure why. She just wished the nightmares would go away. If having night terrors made her not remember she would gladly have those instead and said as much in the car on the way to the mall that same afternoon. The sad look filled with something else she could not make out in the rear view mirror from her aunt had her rethinking that idea, but not enough to ask why.

Emma dragged her feet behind her aunt in the mall. They were here to shop and she hated shopping. Usually they went through her closet first and then she picked out the things from a pile to donate her aunt made on the bed of things she grew out of or was close to doing. But that hadn't happened first before coming here and Emma was unsure of why they were here if that hadn't happened first. Order of how things happened and the why behind them mattered to her. It seemed like a small thing to others, but for her she needed to know what to expect. It helped her feel in control. She had been trying to explain this need to Dr. Hopper and even her aunt, but it never came out right. It came out as a whine.

Over and over again as they went through the never ending racks of clothes and her whine was met with a raised brow and a question Emma didn't have the answer to. Frustrated when she had asked why and had not gotten the answer she expected, she had stormed away when her aunt's back turned and went to the far side of the crowded department. Alone with too many people bustling about she ducked down and wedged her way within a circular rack of coats, well hidden from view. Sitting right in the middle on the floor and hugging her knees as she calmed down, she heard her name called before it faded. Then some minutes later on the store speaker Emma's name was there telling her or anyone who saw her to come to a counter attendant.

Emma bit her lip as the same announcement came fifteen minutes later. Maybe hiding away was not the best idea. Running was easy and so was hiding. But her aunt did not like it when she did either of those things. Deep in these thoughts the coats over her parted and somehow someway she had been found by the one person who always could do so. When asked what she was doing and thinking by running off her mouth spoke the obvious in such a way before her brain could catch up with words that were less than what was expected of her. She was helped out from the rack of clothes and stood under glassy brown eyes that were now shifting. Emma remained quiet as she was escorted back across the department store. They reached a doorway and went through it.

The florescent lights overhead seemed to flicker, casting shadows down the narrow hallway. Emma counted them as they walked or tried too. Her short legs struggled to keep up with her aunt's even stride. Then she moved her eyes to the diamond pattern of tiles passing beneath her quick moving feet. She tried to count those too, out of habit, but they were too small and fast moving. The only noise she could focus on was the clicking of high heels and the weird buzzing from the lights. Her hand was firmly clasped as she was guided along through a heavy door.

The ladies restroom at Nordstrom's was full and bright with the smell of perfume that made Emma's nose wrinkle. Women surrounded the long row of mirrors clogging the damp counter top with purses and shopping bags. They watched others watching them as they re-applied lipstick. Emma wondered why women did that weird eye dance in front of mirrors. Another thing that seemed to matter somehow that she did not understand. She didn't like that feeling, but let it go as she was led deeper into the restroom.

Like every fancy restroom in America, this one had a little sitting room with a few chairs and a small couch off to the side in an attached room with a table full of magazines and cosmetic samples. Emma stood awkward as her aunt set about quietly talking to her in this private spot of the restroom. Emma tried to listen and focus on red moving lips, but her mind was too full to do a good job. One tone, like always, suddenly got her complete focus.

"You scared me Emma. Your actions always affect others. People were helping me look for you when I thought you were missing." Then standing upright and adamant Regina searched that face. "You need to stop and think before you do something. Do you understand me sweetheart?" Asking while lifting Emma's chin so their eyes met.

Emma's lips rolled in under that eye contact as she leaned back against the wall and moved them back to her aunt's mouth. Her mind went too fast sometimes, especially when she felt off. Off like she did not like feeling and that feeling came when she did not know what was going to happen or how things would be. She wanted attention too; especially from her aunt. Had that been why she did what she did? Her aunt seemed to think so. But she did not want to be under this disapproval that this question held promise of should she answer with the first thing that came to mind. So Emma said something else that she wanted and rather too loudly it seemed as she pulled her chin away.

"I want to go home."

Some of the other women in the restroom glanced curiously at them; some shaking their heads, others with slight frowns on their faces at her. She didn't like it when people looked at her that way. Like she had done something weird. Out of the corner of her eye, Emma recognized one of the elderly women just entering the restroom who had witnessed her upset in the store over being prompted to try on a new dress. A new dress she had finally learned before running off to stew was for the party tomorrow afternoon at the Free Children's Clinic her aunt helped to host annually. Emma blushed as her attention was brought back into focus as Regina continued talking to her.

Seeing the culprit for her niece's disappearing act within that anxious look, she softened. "We may certainly do so in a little bit. First we need to get your dress and then we will go right home." Regina began and she wondered over the effect that framed statement had on Emma. The girl's shoulders dropped, that little face relaxed and she got the first complacent nod of the day to her words. Something about _that_ seemed to matter. Vaguely she recalled something she had learned in one of the child psychology classes ages ago. Something about first-then behavior structures, but she couldn't recall exactly what it had been tied to. She made a mental note to look it up later as she began to summarize the main points of her talk. "I need you to stay with me when we are out like this. Running off when I don't know where you are is not okay. If you are upset or anxious I need you to try and tell me or just take my hand and squeeze like we have discussed before. I'll know that you need a minute with just us to talk."

"I know." Emma tried to show she did by looking back up. "I know what to do but my feet wouldn't listen." Her words were met with a kiss to her cheek and a squeeze to her hands. She squeezed back to show she understood. Tears burned below her eyelids though, but they wouldn't fall.

Regina's heart hurt as she watched Emma's internal struggle surface as the girl rubbed a fist over a dry eye. Her redirection before getting to the why of the running had been too much for Emma, just then. Her niece was in a delicate headspace today and Regina knew early that morning it was just a matter of time before the dam broke. Still she hoped Emma would be able to let go without provoking any assistance from her, but that was proving to be difficult.

"Oh baby. It's alright." Regina comforted pulling Emma to her in a hug. The girl's shoulders shook with a frustrated grunt. "I think your extra tired and apprehensive about tomorrow. I know you like going to the party, but I also understand they can be a bit much." Too many people sometimes had Emma tied to her shadow. She suspected shyness to be the culprit when Emma had been younger, but as the girl grew and that shyness did not leave her heart said something else might not be right. So she tried to expose Emma to crowds in short measured ways, but always with her there or close by. "I also think you're still upset about that nightmare. Am I right?" Emma seemed to nod automatically and Regina realized her niece was really unaware of exactly what was being felt so she tried asking. "There's something else, isn't there? Can you tell me what you are thinking sweetheart?"

"I can't cry... I haven't been able to cry." Emma complained bitterly, desperately wanting to let go and release the corked chaos inside of her the nightmare had caused. "I didn't mean to hide. I'm sorry." Explaining her feelings and being able to show them appropriately or at all were two of the biggest challenges she always faced. Mustering up her courage she tried to say it, but asking for _it_ in her past had never gone well for her with her mother.

But Regina was not her mother.

But Emma wanted her to be. In the most important way for what it meant, she wanted it with all of her heart.

And she wanted them both.

But she could not make sense of how to separate these two distinct people around the same affection in her brain.

"I just want…"

Regina waited. She knew it was important for the girl to identify and say these feelings herself. Emma had made a lot of progress in the last year in this regard, but sometimes it was still a challenge. "It's alright baby. Try again."

Emma did try again, but settled for her most immediate want and not the one that needed the most attention. "I want to go home. I want time with you." Emma whispered while twisting the hem of her shirt. That would have earned a laugh from her mother. Being called needy and time locked away would have followed too. But Regina was not her mother. Her aunt smiled instead and leaned in to kiss her forehead as she liked.

"That was very good of you to tell me that baby and I'm proud of you for it. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me what you need. You can always do that." She confirmed and lifted Emma's chin so their eyes met. "We're almost done here and then we'll go home. I think a warm bath and a nap will do you some good as well. You can even use my Jacuzzi tub and I'll read to you and lay with you while you rest. Then we can do something fun when you wake up. Would you like that?"

Emma nodded, as she reached up almost in question. She could more than walk and though small for her age she thought she might be too big to be carried about. But her aunt lifted her up anyway. Emma rested her head against a shoulder as Regina carried her out of the restroom and into the heavy flow of holiday shoppers. Somehow, right here in these arms the crowds and the tight feelings they caused disappeared entirely.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Cool tile led the way through a high doorway. Skylights and a great block wavy glass window allowed natural sunlight to grace the room while still offering privacy. A step led up to the rim of a deep Jacuzzi bathtub with gold facets. A large cabinet across the way held soft towels, bath oils and salts, sweet smelling soaps, and lotions. The spacious countertop held double sinks and fresh cut sunflowers that were scattered about the home were here too and reflected in a large oval mirror that hung above. The room portrayed the epitome of warmth and grace. It was a space to take time for leisure and relax in.

It was also considered a real treat to Emma to be able to enjoy playing in a bath the size of a small pool. Emma liked to float on her back as she looked up through the skylight overhead. It didn't feel like a bathroom or a bath tub and that made it much more enjoyable when she got to get cleaned up in here.

Regina entered the room carrying a small bundle of clean pajamas and the girl's bathrobe. Trailing behind her Emma followed as Regina set her things on the countertop before opening the cabinet to select fresh soap and bubble bath. The woman put the matching lavender bar and bottle next to the tub before turning on the knob to let the water run.

The little girl watched these things being done. All of them with such care and attention to detail. Like the matching soap and bottle in her favorite color. Or the robe she liked to wear after a bath, but only if she had one in this room. It reminded her of the spa commercials she sometimes saw on TV. Her favorite type of PJs that were replaced each time she got too big for them were here along with a pair of fuzzy socks. The water too she knew would be just right. Not too hot or cold. Her aunt knew these things about her. Paid attention to the small things that mattered to her when they never had to anyone else. This realization was too much for Emma to process this moment and so she tried to explain with her eyes when her voice and arms did not want to listen. Finally, her aunt turned around and Emma tried to speak.

"I..." Her voice faltering.

Regina moved right to Emma and leaned down to listen. "What baby?"

"Just..." Then her tears came out. Their mere presence startled her when she had not been expecting them. Emma expected them when she knew she had displeased in some way or was really scared. And she was not over a lap having them helped along to be here if she was bottled up. So why were they here? She thought they must need to be for some reason and her aunt didn't seem to mind them in the least. But for her confusion Emma did mind them. She minded them very much.

"Shhhhhh... It's alright Emma." Regina soothed, holding close and rubbing a back in slow circles. Emma buried face in her chest, calming down a bit. "They're just tears baby. They don't have to mean anything or they can mean everything. Sometimes too we don't know and that's okay."

The stiff tension in a little back relaxed as her normal pattern of breathing returned to her. Emma turned her face, eyeing a red mouth that seemed to know what she needed to hear. She wondered over it. "How did you know?"

Keeping her word about sharing when asked, Regina tried to explain. "I'm not always very good at it, but I try to know what you need, sweetheart." And then more softly experience spoke. "Sometimes trusting someone else to know what you need when you don't know yourself is hard to do, isn't it?"

Emma nodded in response, sighing deeply. She suddenly was feeling thankful for the strength and sense of knowing that seemed to be Regina's particular gift. "Yeah. It helps a lot."

"One day you'll find out just how much I understand, but that's a conversation for another time." Regina confirmed, attempting to close the matter before Emma could question too much further.

Over the last few months something had edged its way into her consciousness that needed to be dealt with. Regina had asked the universe for clarity and guidance to put the matter behind her, but through Emma and their shared tangled past it kept coming up. She decided, with that thought, to offer some insight for that little puzzled expression gazing up at her.

Regina wiped at a tear streak on Emma's face as she continued, "There are many choices in life. With awareness and healing from past experiences and people who have hurt us come even more choices. Some of them are quite difficult or uncomfortable to make at times. Like when we started going to see Dr. Hopper."

Emma's brows knit together remembering back to the first few appointments, "I didn't want to go to at first but you said I needed to try it for a while because it would help me."

Nodding, Regina continued. "Exactly. Until you're older I'll be making most of those types of choices for you, but you have to know that I make them because I love you and not for any other reason, but my love for you."

"I think I kinda do, but I don't understand all the way." Emma tried terribly hard to listen and absorb what her aunt was telling her, knowing it was important somehow. However, her ears couldn't digest the full meaning behind those words.

"I don't expect you to baby, not today." Closing the topic then for later. "First it is bath time, then we will read our book and lay down for a rest."

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Regina was busy folding laundry while Emma was in the bath when the doorbell rang. Not expecting anyone, she undid the deadbolt and opened the door. Startled, her mouth dropped open.

Taller than her stood a slender woman wearing a black coat on the front porch. Her hair was a curling reddish blonde. Her pale face portrayed cool cerulean eyes that made her seem much older than her actual age.

"What in the hell are you doing here?" Regina could feel her face flame sending fire to warm her cheeks against the chilly December air. She crossed her arms under her breasts moving to stand in the center of the doorway. She never cursed and even surprised herself with her choice of words just then. Her eyes blazed, melting angry daggers into the woman standing across from her.

"Is that anyway to talk to your little sister?" Zelena chided, pursing her thin lips into a smirk.

That smirk and the smell of liquor covered by perfume made the anger Regina felt magnify and she pulled on the arsenal at her disposal. "One call and the police will be here to arrest you for violating a restraining order."

"Against what?" Nerve and something else with a wicked edge spoke. "Wanting to see my own daughter? I have rights Regina—"

"You have no rights when it comes to Emma."

Zelena's mouth twisted sharply. "Because you had them fucking terminated."

"No, you did by not showing up to the rights hearing to make a claim on her." Regina tossed that fire ball right back into her sister's court.

Fists clenched. "You know I couldn't."

"Again no. You chose not to Zelena."

"I would have been arrested." Another excuse through gritted teeth.

"And deservedly so." Regina firmly concluded. "I did what was best for Emma."

Blue eyes flashed. "And so did I." For how and for what Zelena never said, but the flicker of understanding in her sister's dark eyes they both knew exactly what she meant.

And for that and only that reason Regina tried for a moment. "Zelena—" And was abruptly cut short when her sister took a step right into her personal space. Thin lips were an inch from her own as Zelena's hand grabbed her arm hard enough to bruise.

"You took **my** daughter and I want her back."

Regina twisted out of that grip and for the aggression of liquor speaking she tried to shut the door. "Leave. Now."

Zelena shifted and stuck her foot in the door and her hand on the knob before it could close, pushing it back. "Not until I see her. The least you can do is let me see her—"

"You left her like she was a package you could drop off right where you are standing. That was three years ago Zelena."

Blue eyes grew dark and narrow. "I just needed a break."

Regina pushed to close the door. "You don't get a break from being a parent."

It was pushed right back. Then blue orbs turned hard and accusing. "What? Like the break you took from me when we were teenagers?" Zelena's grin was near manic before it turned sour. "You left me behind, but unlike you I came back for Emma. You just up and disappeared into thin air." Her eyes widened. "Poof like magic." A laugh rang eerie like a cracked bell.

"You're drunk. You need to leave." Again Regina tried to close the door but again her sister was not letting go.

"Or what?"

"Or I will call the police."

"No you won't."

Looking over Zelena's shoulder, Regina made a note of the car make and the license plate number. "They would sure be interested in knowing your whereabouts, what with a warrant out for your arrest on abuse and neglect charges." She shot icily, stepping forward. Her sister was not well in the head and while she knew that was partially to blame for Zelena's behavior, there was a part of her that didn't care to be kind for what that sickness had cost her niece.

Zelena called a bluff once more. "You wouldn't. Not on me. Or mother or father or did you forget the rest of your family when you disappeared too?"

" _He_ is not my father and I did reach out to you. I tried Zelena…" Taking the bait when she hadn't meant to, Regina felt her face flush and a burning tightness in her chest she thought would make her heart stop beating altogether.

"So I'm not your sister then, is that it?" Countering with a worded right hook.

"I never said that."

"You said a lot shit. Promised we'd always be sisters, always together, that you would take me with you when you turned eighteen." Zelena crossed her arms. "But you lied to me. Just like you're lying now about calling the police." Then she slapped her hand against the door frame. "I want to see my daughter."

"No."

Then once again Zelena hit the door, swaying. "I just want to give _my_ daughter her Christmas present. I even included a little something for you too." A nod to the brown paper bag next to her feet, simply as if her sudden appearance after three years was something of normalcy.

And in that assumption of this being normal, her and Emma's hard fought normal, Regina let her temper slip the leash. "You have a lot of nerve showing your face after you abandoned her, half starved on my doorstep. It's taken a lot of love, time, and therapy to give Emma any kind of a normal life and I'll be damned if you will interrupt that with your presence." Her voice shook with the thought of all the things this woman had done to Emma. She didn't even try keep her fury from showing.

Something registered in blue eyes. Then they shifted. "I can take care of her now. I have a job. I'm working in a florist shop. It's crap cash under the table, but—" Zelena stopped when she saw her attempt was not having the effect she wanted. Her mouth turned down in a sharp way and anger rose in the cold between them. "She's my daughter and Robin's. She belongs with me."

At the mention of that man Regina's blood grew hot. For a moment she felt his thieving hands claiming her skin again. The feeling burned to a memory she wished to forget but knew she never would. At least he was locked away and could not hurt her any longer. That was one decision she had never regretted. But Zelena certainly seemed bent on making her do so.

"After you left me he was all I had." Zelena spat.

Anger rising. "You had Emma and you chose to ignore her for him. And he made his own choices that landed him where he is just like you did."

Denial spoke. "You egged him on."

Incredulous. "Egged—I had never even met him Zelena! He broke into my home and tried to—"

"You with your smart clothes, your fancy house had to go and throw yourself at him and take him from me." Spitting. "His parole fell through and if I can't have him I want Emma back!"

There it was. The reason her sister had come out from hiding. "You thought that after what you did, you could come waltzing in here, be forgiven, and embraced and we could play happy family?" A bitter scoff escaped her mouth as Regina shook her head, hand tightening on the doorknob as she thought back to the one time she had seen her sister and Emma many years ago. "I suspected something wasn't right with your treatment of Emma early on and I still hate myself for not listening to my gut and getting her away from you when I could have before you disappeared with her."

Zelena tried to open her mouth, but she was cut off. Stepping back and down a step when her sister came forward.

"No. You don't get to speak! Where were you when she was in the hospital for chicken pox because you never bothered to have her vaccinated? Or when she was struggling to learn to read three grade levels behind where she should be because you were too drunk to get her to school half the time? Or to soothe her nightmares and fits or to hold her when she cried? You may have given birth to her, but you did not mother her. I did. Emma is _not_ your daughter. You gave up that right for some cheap red wine." Regina's words cut. The truth cut the last thread holding them together.

"Aunt Regina I can't find my..." Emma's voice cut in from the stairwell as she trotted down wrapped snuggly in a purple bathrobe. She froze on the last step, her eyes widened in alarm of seeing her mother on the front porch. She broke into a sweat that sent gooseflesh rapid all over her body. Seeing the woman from behind the safety of a chain link fence at school was one thing. Seeing her here, at home, was something else entirely.

Regina turned sharply at the sound of her niece. Her eyes scanned the child for a moment before turning back to Zelena and then to Emma once more. The girl moved forward slowly; any emotion on that pale face unreadable. Emma's bare feet squeaked on the tile as girl approached the doorway to stand next to her. Regina instinctively blocked the way with an arm in front of Emma's chest pushing her gently back. For what seemed like the longest moment, child stood alarmingly still.

Emma hardly breathed as she locked eyes on a thin twisted mouth that was her mothers. Then she braved her eyes up and on blue ones. They hooked into her and this feeling pulled her insides, twisting them into black ailing knots. Memories flashed, blurred and exploded before Emma's eyes like gun shots cracking the night.

 

_She's small again and her mother is laughing. She's in the bath when two hands hold her underwater until she's spitting liquid from her lungs…_

_She's four. It's her birthday and she spends it locked in a closet…_

_She's in a bathroom. The back of her head hurts and she's surrounded by glass from a broken bottle…_

_She's hungry. She's sitting on a doormat hugging her body for warmth. Then the door opens and she looks up into a pair of brown eyes…_

 

Eyes that became her safe place.

Unlike the blue ones that are on her now. In them and what they meant Emma felt the numbness sucked right out of her like a vacuum only for a rushing heat to fill its place when that vacuum of emotion turned on in reverse. With every cell vibrating from adrenaline Emma sprang forward under Regina's outstretched arm and attacked her mother; scratching and pounding her small fists, and feet all the while grunting in fury.

Regina was quick to grab Emma about the middle, pulling her back with much difficulty.

Emma's vital purpose just then was to cause as much pain and suffering to her previous tormentor as her abilities would allow. She pushed hard against her aunt's strength. Not able to escape, she used her only other mode of attack.

"GO! GO away you **wicked** thing! I _hate_ you! Get away from US!" She yelled shooting each phrase like a bullet.

Stunned, Zelena backed away down the steps; a bleeding animal.

Regina used all her focus and vigor to keep Emma from going after the woman who was now running to the car.

Emma's wailing gave way to coughing through her strain as the gray station wagon sped away. The girl went limp and stood still long enough for her aunt to loosen the grip on her arms. The child used that lax space to yank herself free. She ducked around Regina and made a mad dash up the stairs.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The unworn cream carpet made her cheek itch. Emma lay curled up under her twin bed with her knees brought up to her chest alongside one of her marvel action figures that had made a home here. Her field of vision blocked by cloudy tears that were waiting to fall and by a purple bed skirt. Her shoulders burned and shook with holding herself together. After a minute she could see her aunt's bare feet pad softly into the room from the inch of space between the floor and the bed skirt. A moment later, light hit Emma's eyes, making her squint as the fabric was lifted and her aunt's face appeared. In the quiet soft question there her tears fell.

As Emma stared at her with wet guarded eyes Regina saw a hint of hostility still residing there. Then her niece began to tremble as green pools became hooded and deep. Emma went to a faraway place. Regina knew it would be a while before Emma returned to herself when a thumb joined in hiding within a pink mouth.

Regina said nothing as she tucked the bed skirt up under the mattress and lay on the floor. Slowly she reached out a hand to rest on her niece's bare arm. When Emma folded in on herself like this, she needed touch in stages to bring her back to reality. The girl gave no indication that the warm contact was felt, but did not pull away. The clock on the nightstand jumped minutes, tangling the silence with a constant _tick...tick...tick_ , and still nothing on behalf of Emma. Regina slowly inched her way forward, allowing for more contact. Her hand massaged the girl's arm and occasionally stroking hair with her fingers.

After an hour or so, Emma's pruned thumb slipped from her mouth as her eyes opened to meet a red mouth that looked pinched at the edges, but then turned up when she moved her eyes up to her aunt's gaze. "Why did she hurt me like she did?" A cautious, question cut the stuffy air beneath the bed. But Emma wasn't asking the woman looking at her. "I know. I mean, I didn't do nothing to make her, it's not about me. It's about her. It's always been about her." She confirmed to herself finally able to come to her own conclusions about her mother. Her words were chopped and small, but held firm reasoning that had been lacking before her attack. Emma thought her voice sounded old then, feeling herself as if she had lived a very long time.

"Come here to me, sweetheart."

Emma slowly scooted out from under the bed into her aunt's lap. That lap was open and warm and she let herself go to be shifted about in those arms.

Regina leaned back against the side of bed, supporting herself and Emma as she rocked. A repetitive motion she had found that soothed upset such as this. She was thankful that Emma had come back to her. Sometimes that silence lasted for far longer when Emma went away like that. Even so, from that moment on, with that brief depth of insight and awareness, Regina knew Emma had taken a hard step on the path to healing.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The brown paper bag was crumpled and soiled. Regina brought it into the house and sat with it next to her on a leather settee that was in front of the fireplace in the living room, which burned with charring logs.

It was late by the time she had got Emma calm enough to eat something and be tucked into bed. She had nearly forgotten about the bag Zelena had left until she went downstairs to lock everything up for the night. She unrolled the top of the bag and peered inside. It was stuffed with clothes.

Pulling out one of the t-shirts Regina sighed heavily. None of them would fit Emma as they were meant for a much smaller child. Or children as they ranged from an infant to about a seven year old in size. Deeper in the bag folded in with the clothes was an Almond Joy candy bar; a sweet that was anything but for Emma whose skin would break out in hives. A lesson Regina had learned the hard way and she wondered if Zelena even knew of the allergy to coconut. There was also some nail polish in bright neon colors, which Regina knew the girl did not favor. All of it seemed strange and made her skin crawl in a way she did not have a name for. It seemed to be thrown together haphazardly.

None of it with Emma in mind.

Regina was about to trash the bag in the fireplace when she realized it wasn't all the way empty. In the flickering light she reached in a hand and drew out a coiled piece of something which unrolled from her hands. A piece of notebook paper tucked place there fluttered to the floor. She reached out and unfolded it straining a bit with her eyes to read the scrawled print;

 

**_Regina-_ **

**_You left me alone with this and now I'm returning the favor._ **

 

Regina let the note fall to the floor through her fingers. Then she recognized what she was holding in her lap and she shoved it away. Her step father's belt lay like a brown snake waiting to strike on the rug. The buckle, the part she had feared the most was gone. As a child, she had often bore the brunt of it. Regina had bore a lot of things in order to protect her sister. She still had faint scars where the edges had cut into her skin. The ancient stigma of her childhood clouded her eyes, but those tears never fell. After the price of the day, she had no tears left to give the collector of memory.

She wondered how Zelena had come to have it and knew deep in her soul, that her niece had no doubt felt it at some point as well. For all her compassion and insight into the human psyche Regina did not think she had any grain of empathy left for her sister any longer. The sickness of such a gift, as Zelena had called it, and the treatment of Emma was beyond her conception.

For a long moment Regina sat deep in thought as she stared at worn leather. She considered then her niece's relationship with her mother. Emma was a complete stranger to Zelena and still a child, and yet had more understanding of Zelena than the woman ever had in return. Emma had made a conscience choice to work toward healing. Just like they all had been given a choice to do and they all came from the same roots of abuse. Regina had made the choice to heal. Emma was doing the same thing.

But Zelena.

Her little sister couldn't or wouldn't make that same choice and for all her book learning and degrees Regina didn't understand how Zelena could have done what she did. Especially, since it had been done to them as children. Just like Regina didn't understand her step father or mothers choices either. Why was _she_ different? Why was _Emma_ different?

Zelena had always run away from problems. She denied her actions despite the physical, emotional, mental and now sexual ramifications on her child. That seemed to hold no dear weight, no real importance. Her sister was too far gone and despite how much it hurt Regina to unbury the past, she had to do what was best for Emma.

Still for a brief moment, she felt conflicted. Zelena was her baby sister. Regina had mothered her and shielded her when they were young. Then the drugs happened. Zelena found a different way to cope and slowly turned into someone she did not recognize.

Someone who had done the unspeakable to _her_ little girl.

A tear escaped Regina's eye and rolled slowly down her cheek clinging to her chin. She made no effort to wipe it away. It signified too much to be discarded so easily; her childhood, the abuse, the finality of her relationship with her only sibling. That all ended and sealed away in her heart as the salty orb dripped and dissolved into the rug. Slowly Regina stuffed the clothing back in the bag and the candy lay on top. She stared at the floor and made her choice as she re-coiled the leather with the note.

Both she tossed into the fireplace to burn.

Regina watched the flames consume the past. She reached for her phone in her pocket. Slowly she punched a few keys and brought it to her ear. With great difficulty, she made a decision that she prayed she'd never have to make. But her prayers had a way of going unanswered long ago. Regina had all but given up on the idea of a higher power until she started living for herself and not for others.

"Hello, I'd like to speak with Deputy Humbert, please..." While not a friend, he was a close acquaintance. She had treated his son for allergies and he had said more than once over that time in gratitude that she could call on him if she ever needed anything. Right now Regina needed a lot of things and someone she could trust in the system to follow up on this need until it wasn't one anymore. "Graham… It's Regina. I need your help…" She stood and paced with the phone cradled in her ear as he spoke. Pausing, she rested a hand against the mantle, watching the fire eating a piece of her heart. "I'd like to report the whereabouts of a Zelena West. I believe you have a warrant for her arrest on file."

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The hall clock chimed as midnight came to settle in the dark home. In the chilly winter moonlight Regina drew her robe tightly around her and retied the sash as she slipped quietly into her niece's room. Emma was curled up on the side of the bed facing the wall. Small body bundled in quilts while clutching Henry Bear. The woman watched as the little girl's chest rose and fell with long deep breaths. The child's eyes zipped back and forth below lids in REM sleep where imaginings take over. Beneath those closed eyes a dream scape unfolded...

 

_A rough hand that shouldn't be clutched the fabric between Emma's shoulders, drawing_ _her upward into the cloudless sky. The broom's shadow no longer one on the ground flying beneath her feet the higher they went. A cackle loomed wicked overhead and Emma reached up to try and grip the broom handle without any luck…_

 

Regina padded across the room and eased herself onto the bed next to Emma, curling her body around to mold with the child's…

 

_The witch circled above the land carrying Emma. She began to_ _fight harder to get a grip on the broom. Little fingers slipping…_

 

Regina wrapped her arm around the sleeping girl pulling her gently to her breast and adjusted the covers about them making sure Emma was warm enough. Emma shifted and turned toward her. She stroked the long hair from a wrinkled brow and leaned over to brush her lips with a kiss to Emma's cheek.

 

_In a frightful moment the witch above her let go and Emma was sent plummeting towards the earth, her_ _mouth in an endless shriek with arms and legs flailing…_

 

In the dark Regina felt Emma's hand grip her arm pulling it to a small chest. For a second time that night, tears forced their way to Regina's eyes. Her lips parted slightly as if to speak…

 

_Emma screamed as the earth_ _neared, closer and closer until—_

 

There was a deep ache that lay exposed in Regina's heart and she couldn't help but feel responsible for whatever trials that had yet to arrive from her choice. The only hope and salvation in this world, of her conscience and her soul, rested here beside her in this bed.

"Forgive me baby." Regina breathed and closed her eyes drawing Emma close in her arms, finally letting her troubling thoughts retire for the night.

 

_Light glowed around Emma causing her fall to slow into a_ _soft drift downward. Her cries for help echoed away. She sensed a strength holding her, wrapping its arms safely around her. She turned welcoming a brilliant love to break her fall…_

 

Emma's eyes opened for a split second, feeling still as if she very far away deep in a dream as her ears registered a breathy husk of whisper. It was almost inaudible and it carried such sorrow that her subconscious clung to it as she was pulled back into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	6. The Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina is far from perfect though she tries to do what she thinks is right. But when a situation may not always be about right and wrong she begins to rethink something she thought she understood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Another chapter I had already written long ago-so I am able to post today. Here we get to see more inside Regina's head (and past) and Emma’s. This chapter is a prelude to the climax coming.

The twisted tree root tripped her, sending Emma’s hands to break her fall in the cool dirt. No attention was paid to her stinging palms as she propelled herself upwards, breaking into a run. Her lungs worked, as she wove her way deeper and deeper through a thick mesh of cacti, rock, and sculpted landscape that was the expanse of the back yard behind the house. Her tights snagged on a bush as her legs flew. She paid no heed to the voice and footsteps behind calling her back as she continued to run ahead. Out of breath Emma approached the storage shed and tucked herself in between the shed wall and stone one that surrounded the half acre they lived on. She was hidden in part by a prickly pear bush.

What had made her run she was unsure of, but now that she had and like the times she had before she began to rethink doing so. Even with the cool January weather, the desert sun blazed overhead causing Emma to break out in a sweat from her sprint. She wiped her dry lips with the back of her hand, wondering how she was going to make right the mess she had caused.

It had been an unusually busy morning since her aunt had cut back on working so much. And after a month of a slower pace to their life, Emma found herself underfoot today as her aunt hurried to get ready for a meeting with a lawyer regarding her mother. She and her aunt had talked at length over Regina's choice to have the woman arrested.

Emma was unsure of the severity and the real weight of the decision that had been made on her behalf, but she trusted her aunt to know what was right. Regina had explained that her mother needed help that she would not get on her own. Emma learned that her aunt was working with a lawyer and a judge to get her mother access to therapy and a psychiatric evaluation, while in prison. She knew what therapy was but the other words not so much.

Part of Emma was relieved that her mother would no longer be able to make random contact her. Another part of Emma ached for something she would never truly have and her heart longed for a life she had only ever dreamed of in her head. She knew that she was in the best place possible and that her aunt loved her beyond any shadow of doubt. Still, she longed for something deeper.

Something more.

Emma shifted her weight from her heels to her bottom, settling herself on the dusty, gritty ground. Fingering a chalky sharp pebble, she thought more about this morning. She had been picking up her new paints and watercolor pad in the living room; a place she wasn't allowed to use her supplies in. Regina had gently reminded her of that and had asked that she pick up her mess before they had to leave.

Emma hadn't been paying much attention to what she was doing and had rushed about throwing her supplies into her art box. She had, by accident, bumped into the end table by the couch to reach a paintbrush that had rolled under it. A vase holding flowers had been knocked over and sent water spilling all over a worn black leather book resting on the table. A special book; looked through a lot lately and hand written by her aunt’s father.

In her hurry to blot the wet pages with the hem of her shirt the vase had rolled off the table and smashed to the tiled floor. While neither item looked expensive, Emma knew one of them held a value for her aunt that could not be replaced. Emma froze; her mind racing at what to do as the edges of the pages within the book began to warp.

The last week she had felt like a bundle of restless nerves and energy, like a tinker toy with a key in its back wound up too tight. She still felt put off by her mother's sudden appearance at their home around Christmas time. The nightmares and forgotten memories had surfaced again causing friction in the usually calm household. Her aunt had been extra patient and understanding of her, allowing some rules to be looser than usual. All this passed behind Emma’s eyes as she registered footsteps on the stairs.

A moment later Regina appeared in the doorway of the living room to find her niece standing barefoot, save for white tights, surrounded by a pile of glass shards. "Stay there sweetheart. I don't want you cutting yourself." Regina said calmly noting the look of uncertainty in green eyes. She moved carefully to the far side of the girl and leaned a bit to lift Emma under arms over the glass and to clear footing away from the potential hazard.

"I didn't do it… I didn't break it." Emma said hurriedly, not even thinking clearly about what she was saying. Her small hand gripped the paintbrush, now rolling it between her fingers as her aunt sat across from her on the long tan sofa. "It just fell. I didn't touch it." She lied as her eyes only registered the pained look of loss on her aunt's pretty face when the journal was noticed and reached for quickly. Regina didn't seem upset that she could tell, but she was not good at telling that kind of thing anyway. A feeling Emma could not identify had let the lies roll off her tongue.

"It's not possible that it fell on its own, baby. I'm not angry, just tell me what happened." Regina coaxed, though not pleased that Emma was blatantly lying to her face. She knew whatever had happened was an accident.

Regina looked closer at the damage to the journal, now heavy with water and rolled her lips in trying to remain neutral under Emma’s upset. Her father’s journal and the only thing she had of a man she wished she had known. Drips of inky tears fell from the rippled pages into her lap staining her skirt. It had been written with an old fashioned fountain pen in a light hand. If she tended to it right now it might be able to be dried carefully and some of it saved, but the child in front of her needed immediate attention with the way Emma was breathing in short bursts. Maybe she could do both. So she offered both and asked Emma to help her begin to treat the pages while they talked before they had to leave for the meeting.

“I didn’t do anything.” Emma insisted clinging to the glue of that story and only processing the part her aunt said about wet pages.

Regina sighed as she set the journal aside. She leaned forward and rested her forearms on her knees. Heat was building behind her eyes over the liquid state of her father’s memories. She cursed herself for leaving it out to begin with. An accident she reminded herself on both their accounts it seemed, but Emma’s lack of sorrow over the situation was getting to her quickly. Another breath as she tried again. “It was an accident Emma. I know that and you are not in trouble for an accident. I need you to tell me the truth though. There is no need to lie.”

“I’m not lying.”

But Emma was and a lack of honesty no matter from who or for what always scratched a nerve in Regina. Lies were the foundation of everything she had worked to get away from. She understood Emma wasn’t being deceitful, but avoidant. Still it rubbed a tender place. “You are and you need to stop doing so. We need to clean up first and then get going. Are you ready to help me with that or do you need some time to think about what I’m saying to you?” When Emma got that stubborn eye, she prompted. "You know I do not abide dishonesty and we do not run away from feelings, we talk about them together." Regina coaxed. She had used the words _run away_ figuratively and had not expected the child to actually bolt from her words.

Dropping her head for a moment Regina stood to go after Emma. She followed the sound of little feet slapping tile to the back door and then quicker when she remembered Emma was without shoes. Out the back door and into the vast botanical desert that was their backyard. She was in heeled boots that made quick walking over the some of the raw parts of gravel away from the slate stone paths difficult, but not as pained as the child's feet must be without protection. She moved slower than she would a have liked as she wove her way toward the far side of the property where she kept a small garden…

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

As Emma’s thoughts settled themselves as she sat behind the shed, a prickly sensation flushed her skin, sending the hairs on her neck to stand upright. It was that feeling of knowing she was not alone. She turned her head gazing through the narrow opening she had wedged herself in between. A wild puzzle of cacti separated her from the woman that stood several feet away.

"You need come out from there Emma.” Regina urged glancing at her watch. As it was, she'd have to call to postpone the meeting by at least a half hour. It was something she loathed to do as it was not in her nature to be late for anything, never mind how very important that meeting was. However, she had learned over the years that she would indeed have to be late, reschedule or not come at all if her time was needed by her first priority.

Emma hugged her knees to her chest and as she shook her head no.

Regina sighed heavily taking in the scene in its entirety, trying to view it through Emma's eyes. "You're probably feeling a little anxious right now, but you need to know I understand that you didn't mean to break anything or get the journal wet. It was an accident and accidents are okay. I just want you to tell me about them. I don't like it when you run or hide, or when you lie to me. That makes me upset with your behavior, but I'm not mad at you." She explained.

"You're mad though.” Emma challenged, but not disrespectfully. “I can tell."

Self-assessing Regina nodded once. "I am a little upset at the situation and the behavior, but not at you. There's a difference.”

Emma contemplated her aunt's words thinking she understand most of them, knowing Regina was telling her the truth. She traced a swirling pattern in the rust colored dirt with her finger, contemplating her choices. After a few moments she realized she had none, but to face the idea that she had ruined something special belonging to someone she loved. Before she lived here accidents did not exist. That’s what her mother had said before, but her aunt said something different now. And Emma thought she knew which was true, though telling the difference sometimes was not easy. She also knew the longer she stayed where she was she would eventually get in trouble for not listening. Neither option was one she wanted to take on, so she tried stalling.

"You're gonna be late." Emma said with a smallest hope that Regina would leave her be.

"I am not leaving you here by yourself.” Done with patience and needed Emma to come out Regina relied on what usually worked to get the girls’ attention. The woman crouched down a bit to be level, meeting green ones through a tangle of prickly pear pods. "I have no issue being late to that meeting if your behavior needs my attention before we leave and unless you to come out right now that will be the case. Now be careful getting up there are nails sticking out of the wall in front of you.” Regina said, reaching out her hand to Emma to use as a balance.

A long beat passed with nothing but the girl shifting on gravel. Knees now closer to the nails poking out of the shed wall.

“Emma.”

Still nothing.

Regina sighed and stretched her arm as far as she could, her firm gaze unwavering and in it, Emma began to shift sideways toward her and away from the danger.

Emma tried, knowing she had blown it. “I didn't mean to." Now standing and inching her way towards Regina's hand.

"I know you didn't mean for the vase break or the journal to get wet or even to run or lie the first time." Regina assured and once the girl was within reach she carefully helped to guide Emma around the path of thorns out from behind the shed. "However, you kept on with the lying and not listening when I told you to do something. That shed wall is full of rusty nails and you could have been badly hurt. Those are the things we need to talk more about." She explained pulling her niece along as she headed towards the house.

Emma pulled back and her aunt allowed her some slack, but faced again with the options of dealing with her feelings and accepting what she had done she sank to her knees in the dirt to prevent Regina from going further. She was prompted to stand up and didn’t. Wordlessly Regina lifted her about the middle, carrying her in the rest of the way. Emma didn’t fight it, but she did not help either as she was carried to the back porch, through the door, past the kitchen and set to sit on top of the washer in the laundry room. Her feet, legs, and arms were thoroughly looked over and no cuts to tend she was lifted down to stand by the dryer.

They looked at each other for a moment before Regina spoke. "Take off those tights please.” Said while rotating on the cold water handle to the wash sink allowing the water to fill it partially before twisting it off. She turned a minute later with brows raised to regard Emma who had not made a move yet. “Those clothes have to soak before I can wash them sweetheart. Trash your tights in the wastebasket and leave your skirt and blouse, then go up and rinse off in your bathtub before you dress. I have to make a phone call and then I will be up to check on you." Regina said understanding that Emma seemed to need an explanation. Though, she was on edge this morning over the topic of the meeting and the importance of it being a success for all of them. With Emma she didn't feel like butting heads when hers was beginning to pound.

Then Regina remembered the broken mess in the living room that also needed her attention as well as the talk she still needed to have with Emma. Another talk too pending this afternoon at the courthouse that would make or break a lot of opportunities for getting well she had been working to achieve on her sister’s behalf. She needed to be sharp to go to battle with Zelena’s lawyer, Robert Gold. Her sister had stressed more than once in the collect calls from the prison that help was not wanted. Especially hers. But Regina knew better, or hoped she did, that Zelena had mental illness as well as addiction to battle. Regina had no intention to have Zelena rot in a cell when there were resources available to help set her little sister on the path to wellness.

But Zelena was stubborn. Oh so stubborn and unwell.

Everything was riding on this meeting going well. A meeting they were already late for due to the morning’s circumstances. Regina sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head and left to make that call just as Emma began to disrobe.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Emma’s freshly scrubbed damp skin clung to her purple sweater as she pulled it over her head, causing long strands of her hair to be suspended in static electricity. Scowling at herself endlessly for her actions that morning in the mirror, she ran a wide toothed comb through her locks to tame the static and tangles. She was about to step into a clean blue skirt when her aunt knocked on the open door and came in her room.

Regina had changed her scuffed boots and soiled skirt for chocolate colored slacks and closed toed suede heels. To Emma she always appeared perfectly dressed and accessorized so effortlessly that she felt self conscious about her own appearance just then. She glanced at herself in the full-length mirror next to the dresser, taking in her unruly curling hair, her wrinkled sweater and her one socked foot.

Not missing a beat the woman sat on the twin bed. “Come here please." Regina instructed and waited. Emma dropped the skirt to the floor by the mirror and came to stand in front of her.

The girl kept her eyes down, the weight of her actions taking all of her attention just then. “I’m in trouble huh?” Her hands were taken as her aunt began speaking.

"A little bit yes.” Regina began gently. “You are not for breaking vase or the journal however. Those were an accident and as I said earlier accidents are okay. How you chose to behave afterwards was not…” Pausing and prompting. “Look at me please.” She continued when Emma met her gaze, "You not only hurt yourself when you lie, but others get hurt too and I am a little unnerved that you were continuously dishonest with me. Had you been truthful when I asked you repeatedly to be so and had you listened in the back yard we would not be here right now discussing this. Do you understand that?"

Emma’s single bare foot rubbed against the softness of the carpet. She did understand and was mad at herself for not doing what she knew she was supposed to. _‘Why is that hard today?’_ She thought. That is what she did not understand all the way.

"Use your words baby. I need to know that you understand what I have said to you."

That’s why. Then Emma grew frustrated. She had used her words already. _‘So why do I have to again?’_ They had been wrong it seemed, anyway. Wrong like her feet to run and her tummy felt now in her anger at herself. Tangled, they clogged in her throat for a long moment before coming out in a sharp burst. "I do! I did already before too!”

Her foot stomped on the floor and under a raised brow she did it once more. In response, she found herself pulled close to Regina as tears blurred her vision from a swat given to the middle of her behind. Instead of the pause in thought and calm that action usually brought on for her, Emma only felt the head rush of red fury get bigger; and all of it now focused on Regina. She glared and stomped her foot again.

At this moment a range of thoughts went through Regina's head as she contemplated whether or not to shut down the display of behavior by taking Emma across her lap. But gave pause at the flash of something in Emma’s eyes.

Then, she remembered back to her own childhood to an incident that had occurred with her mother. Regina had lied about accidentally losing one of her mother's earrings down a vent when she had been assigned the chore of dusting the house. Caught in a wrong doing by that woman had never gone well for her. To make matters worse, it was an earring that was supposedly her late grandmother’s.

Regina had loved her grandmother dearly. Cora knew that. Had more than once found a way to twist that love Regina felt into something else. The old woman was a soft spot in the hell she was raised in and when she had been caught in her lie Cora had read her the riot act. Then her stepfather had followed up with belting Regina thought she more than deserved for losing a piece of memory of the old woman she loved. Years later she had learned that those earrings were not her grandmother’s after all. Her mother had lied in order to make her feel worse. And all of it in spite over a cheap earring that her mother never really liked to begin with.

A flush of feelings overwhelmed Regina as she remembered how she had felt back then; frustrated and angry. So much so at her mother's failure to see what was really going on inside of her at that time. Cora went through life with blinders on refusing to see the abuse and brutality her stepfather had inflicted on the family. Regina had hated Cora for that. She had needed to be hugged, kissed, the incident forgiven and forgotten.

She had seen a similar flash of need in Emma's eyes just moments ago, before she had reacted to the behavior. It was like looking into a mirror to the past. She realized then Emma would learn nothing from a correction if not receptive to the discipline for the right reason. That had been her mistake. For what needed to be learned to have any effect her niece needed to be receptive to her authority and by the look on Emma’s face the child was having none of it. And too, sometimes a spanking wasn't the answer, she realized, even if the girl provoked the consequence.

Regina now knew that she should not have taken Emma's prolonged lying as a sign of defiance. There was something much deeper going on than that. There usually was with her niece and in the moment she had lost sight of that when she normally didn’t. She rubbed where her hand had corrected a moment ago. Emma’s shoulders loosened from her gesture and sudden tears rimmed Regina’s eyes for the green questions looking at her.

Emma stood at that knee in confusion. Her upset gone for the tears she was watching fall, rare as they were to be on her aunt’s face.

"Bring your skirt to me please." Regina quietly said as she reached a hand out expectantly. She caught their reflection in the mirror then with her movement and froze. Emma’s pink cheeks huffed with uncertainty edging on hurt and right there in those little eyes she saw a piece of herself; that angry little girl inside her heart whose needs never were met or understood by those who were supposed to do so. Quickly Regina looked away as more tears burned at the corners of her eyes.

The young girl obeyed, saying nothing as her aunt helped her step into the garment and fasten it at her waist before drawing her into a tight hug. Emma returned the embrace, not understanding fully what had just happened. But she thought she might just little and hugged back a little tighter. Still, she started to ask. “What about…”

"I reacted to what you said to me and did rather than respond to the reason behind it. We will talk more about that later and a spanking is not what you need right now.” Regina explained, voice a bit shaky. Drawing Emma up to sit on her lap, she did what she should have to begin with and what should have been done for _her_ long ago. “I love you baby and I’m sorry…” She kissed Emma's cheek as her throat was closed off, memories flooding her mind. Wrapping her little one up in another hug she rested her chin on top of Emma’s head. Then Regina simply held on. Held on to the trust and love of the life raft keeping them both afloat in the coming storm the afternoon was sure to bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Thanks for reading and for all your well wishes. I appreciate your kindness.
> 
> Next time – Climax of the story and it will be thoroughly angst filled as it picks up where this chapter leaves off. Then things will slowly begin to turn around for our characters. It’s a shocker (nothing graphic) and I will tag it in the A/N at the start – Chapter title: The Breaking


	7. The Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The price of choices made between sisters is collected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Okay, so this picks up where the last chapter left off. There’s mega feels and angst- AKA Climax. NSFW, but not overly graphic either. I also don’t know too much about the inner workings of the legal system, so just go with my brain on those references.
> 
> **Spoiler & trigger warning below and updated tags – read if you want to or skip if you’d rather be surprised**
> 
>  
> 
> **While this story is based on things I have experienced in my past this chapter is largely symbolic in the sensitive subject matter presented, but is based on how it felt saying goodbye to my sibling. Talk of suicide. – there is a minor character death-- Not Regina or Emma**

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

**Chapter 7 – The Breaking**

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The long car ride to the Courthouse was silent, with each passenger absorbed in their own thoughts. The Mercedes was parked across the street in the downtown parking garage as they quickly made their way over to the large stone building. A well dressed woman in a tailored gray pant suit and matching coat met them by the high double door entrance. Regina greeted her warmly as they shook hands.

Emma thought they looked like they might have wanted to hug instead, but they didn’t.

"Regina, it's been way too long." The woman's generous blue eyes swept approvingly over the beautiful woman standing before her. Mal grinned self-consciously, mentally kicking herself for not pursuing their friendship beyond the occasional get together. And the last few months those get togethers had been purely business at her office.

“You always say that Mal.” The corner of Regina’s mouth curled up before the rest joined in a full on grin.

"That’s because it feels like forever. It is wonderful to see you again."

The tall woman's voice held a deep charming appeal that made Regina’s cheeks warm.

Mal smiled then at Emma, leaning down a bit. "And how are you little lady? Last time I saw you, you were... what was it, eight?"

Emma nodded, not saying anything, but stared up at this giant that towered over her and her aunt. She herself barely came up to under Regina's chest. She felt very small indeed and shy around this stranger who she just barely remembered.

"Yes Mal, you saw her last a few times just after the adoption." Regina answered for her niece and gave the girl's hand a reassuring squeeze, their secret signal that everything was okay, as she led the way into the ominous looking building. Mal had been very helpful insuring that had gone smoothly two years ago. As she hoped today would go smoothly, especially after their tough morning.

And after that tough morning Emma was content to sit on a comfortable sofa in a bright waiting room. Regina gave her a small bag of trail mix, a bottle of apple juice and a tote bag with art supplies and things to do saying she wasn't sure how long she'd be. The woman gave instructions not to move from the room, and that if Emma should need anything she'd be across the way in the conference room and to knock.

Emma nodded, reaching for a comic book in her bag to look through. She wiggled to get comfortable as she settled in for a long wait.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Her cell buzzed for the second time since being in the conference room. A neutral meeting ground the court offered for negotiating attorneys and their clients to use. Regina sighed ignoring the buzz and crossed her legs, tapping her fingers against the armrest of her chair. It had been a trying hour and they were no closer to agreeing on anything. She had participated, explaining her wishes as to what she'd like to have done for her sister and let Mal do what Mal did best.

They were both in disagreement with the hotheaded public defense attorney Robert Gold. He was a short older man with teeth to match his name and hard eyes that had lost their patience long ago. Regina leaned to the side and glanced over her shoulder checking on her niece still sitting in wait through the rippled glass of the door window as Mal tried another avenue of discussion, but Mr. Gold was having none of it.

"Ms. West doesn't want any kind of therapy or to attend any of the AA meetings within the facility. It can't be forced on her." Mr. Gold explained heatedly, turning from Mal and opening his arms imploring some understanding from Regina. "Ms. Mills she doesn't want your help, and frankly, I don't understand why you're bothering to act as her advocate when you made the call that had her arrested to begin with."

Regina fingered the gold cameo ring her grandmother had given her. Worn it for strength and luck today she tried to draw on. She turned it around and around her finger in thought before she joined both hands to a steeple under her chin. "I understand your confusion Mr. Gold, but this has not so much to do with me as it does with my niece. Zelena abused Emma, in part I believe, because of our upbringing. It was not my intent to have her arrested and in prison without some kind of intervention. She is mentally unwell and I fear a danger to her person and others if she is left untreated."

“And she was given a psychiatric examine just like everyone else and deemed fit for general population after her intake.” Gold replied and rested both his hands atop his cane with a sigh at the unrelenting brown eyes on his.

 “Did the prison doctor even read her medical records or did they just go off of what she claimed was true?” Regina did not have access to those, but knew they contained information on the one short lived attempt Zelena had made in rehab while pregnant with Emma. One thing her sister had done right. Her sister was also a skilled liar.

Gold’s eyes narrowed. “They were quite thorough with her, I’m sure.”

“So sure you are willing to sign an affidavit attesting to that?” Regina countered. She had no such form or any legal way to have him sign it, but that question did the one thing she wanted it to do. He hesitated. She tapped the file in front of her containing the information she did have access to pushing it his way again. “Did the doctor even look at our family history with mental illness?” On her Mother’s side there were issues with substance abuse and bipolar disorder.

 “I get that she’s an addict Ms. Mills, but there are no bars except iron ones for her to get her fix, so I’d say she’ll sober up right quick given time. And time she has, thanks to you.”

Mal leaned forward in her chair when hurt flashed across Regina’s eyes before it was hidden away. Her ringed hands clasped tightly in front of her once as she considered Regina words and Gold’s before proceeding. Regina had spoken from the heart and if this man had any shred of decency those words should have been enough. But he didn’t. She knew how the public defense system took entry level lawyers and overworked them over through the years, chewed their passion to mush and spit them out. At this point, nothing moved people like Gold unless he benefited from it. So she offered the only bargaining chip she could to get his buy in.

"Mr. Gold, you have your client’s power of attorney.” Though why Zelena would give it to this man, had Mal confounded. Regina too. “All you need to do is sign this petition for the judge to consider ordering a second opinion eval from an outside doctor to take a look at Zelena’s psych profile.” Her brow rose in an understated offer.

And his quirked up in interest. “And why should I do that?”

Mal laid the deal out on the table, careful in her wording. “There’s an interview opportunity at my firm. A chance to make some more money and meet the right people. A win-win for the right person should they come by next Monday at 1:00.”

“Is it now?” His eyes glittered with opportunity like his tooth as the light hit it.

 “There’s nothing to lose frankly and everything to gain. For the right person.” Mal countered giving him a leveled look. “But right now you, Mr. Gold, have an opportunity to make the right decision a sick woman has no rational mind to make. Help Ms. Mills help her sister, and if for no other reason than that little girl sitting outside."

Robert dipped his head considering the offer and that last statement found a way inside of him somehow. For a reason he could not name, he found himself reaching into his suit pocket, fumbling for a pen and scrawled his signature quickly. Once done, he shook his head and shoved the paper back to Mal. "My client will not like this and you can expect when this gets to a judge—“ He was cut off abruptly when a knock sounded on one of the doors before it opened, revealing a court clerk.

Mal stood at the interruption looking in question at the new face in the room. "This is a private meeting.”

The young woman beckoned to Gold and cast an apologetic look on the rest of the eyes in the room. "Mr. Gold I need to speak with you."

Gold stood. “Excuse me dearies.” He followed the clerk through another door across the conference room.

In his absence Regina rolled her eyes and let out a breath she had been holding and nodded to the petition. “At least he signed it.”

“Barely.” Mal shook her head at the crocodile in the other room.

“Still, it’s something and something is better than nothing, which is what we started with. At least now her case will have to be looked at again.” Regina concluded as she thought about the deal struck. “That was some deal you made with him. How will you stand having him on your team?” The man gave her the creeps.

Mal grinned like a sly cat that had caught a mouse. “Oh I don’t think that will prove to be a problem. I have no intention of hiring him.”

A dark brow rose. “You just offered him a job.”

“No I offered him an interview, which I’ll grant, and the opportunity for the _right person_ to have the job. Precision Regina.”

A red smirk. “This is why I am not a lawyer. I do not have finesse with words like you.”

“What you lack there you more than make up for in other things.”

Regina’s cheeks grew warm at the gentle flirting, and she picked up her cell to check on her missed notifications and it rang. She answered just as Gold reentered rubbing the back of his neck; his lips pursed tight.

"Is everything alright?" Mal asked standing at the ill look on his face.

"Well, no." His paused in awkwardness as he looked over to Regina for a long moment.

Regina listened to the voice on the other end of her cell. She must have heard wrong. This was _wrong_. This voice said the unreal. “What?” Her throat closed as the voice made words real.

_"Your sister, she's dead. They found her about a half ago in her cell. She strangled herself. I'm so sorry."_

Regina’s lips parted as if to speak, but the phone slipped from her hand to the floor as Mal moved closer.

Gold turned his back, running his hand through his tangle of short hair before slipping out of the room. On his way out the main exit, he spotted a small girl curled up on the leather sofa fast asleep, clutching an empty juice bottle. His eyes welled with feeling just then, returning some of the shine lost with years of extensive hours and tough cases. He was careful to close the door of the waiting room with a soft click on his way out.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

_‘She’s dead. She’s dead. She’s…’_

Had Regina been standing a moment ago her knees would have given out. All she had running through her mind on loop were two words from someone at the prison that just shattered her world. Her breathing stopped for a long minute in realization of what that meant. For her.

And more importantly for Emma.

Heartbeat moved between her ears and the rest of the room fell deaf when it began to pound. Regina let her head fall back, her eyes blurred with the fire of tears as irises contracted under florescent light. Her entire being housed a mix of raw heartache and intense fury that shook her. Regina swallowed hard, throat bobbing in fight to keep the contents of her stomach from getting out and air in to breathe at the same time. Burning liquid streamed from her eyes, meshing her mascara with fine cosmetic powder; a black river that carried her away.

Regina wished whoever was kicking her in the stomach would stop.

_‘Damn her.'_ It crept into her thoughts slowly weighing out all others. The thought manifested through her mouth. Her lips silently shaped the words into the thick air she tried to suck between her teeth. Regina dropped her face into her hands. From somewhere rusted inside of her a wail broke her body in half before the silence took over again.

Mal stood with her arms crossed and face pained as she watched her client, her friend, a woman she adored digest the news that was just said. At the wail of heartbreak she made her way even closer over the bent form and knelt on the floor. Regina reached for her hand blindly and held in a near breaking fashion as quiet sobs rocked the room.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Emma cracked her eyes open suddenly and stifling a yawn she sat up, rubbing her eyes. She blinked the sleep away and eyed the door across the waiting room as she listened carefully. There was no sound or movement coming from behind the rippled glass and Emma wondered if anyone was even in there. The thought left her knowing that her aunt would have woken her up. But time eluded her and she was restless now with the boredom of waiting.

A bit annoyed at being left alone for so long she crossed the room and stood on tiptoe to peek in the window of the door. From her angle Emma couldn't see anything but shadows so she turned the handle opening it without knocking. Her aunt was sitting with a back to the door hunched over with Mal kneeling in front. The oddity of the closeness and posture startled her.

"Aunt Regina?" Emma’s voice echoed in the utter immobility of the room. Her heart leaped into her throat as her aunt jerked upright and around. Regina's eyes were a wet red mess and that face... Emma did not have words. Not even one for the look on that face. So she tried her aunt’s eyes. And Emma could not remember those eyes ever looking so full, so full of something she had never seen house itself there before. In that unknown, fear pricked her, sending goose bumps rapid over her body.

Mal stood up and tried to begin to soothe for all of them. "Emma—“

"She’s alright." Regina's voice trembled, as she struggled to keep her tone level. Though Emma was not alright she could tell and neither was she. But the last thing she wanted to do was to scare her niece. "Come here sweetheart." When Emma hesitated, Regina opened her arms beckoning the child to her as she normally did. "It’s alright, come on."

With those words, Emma approached and allowed her aunt to lift her up to sit on her lap as arms enveloped her. She wanted to lift her head to try and search Regina's face for clarity again, but she was held in such a way that she couldn’t do so if she wanted to keep the heart she liked to listen to for comfort under her ear. Right now that was important so she readily settled in.

"Mal?” Regina took the offered tissues and wiped her cheeks, clearing her throat. “Hand me that pen and paper." Still fighting the cries digging at her throat. The petition slid over with its blank backside facing up for her use. After all the effort they had gone to in order to have that paper signed.

None of it mattered now.

Regina scribbled hastily before handing it back to Mal. "I need you to call this person and have her come down here to meet me. Tell her I need her." Regina implored softly. That phrase would be well understood as an emergency for how rarely she used it. Mal left quickly. And then, it was just the two of them.

 Emma wiggled a bit as her aunt cupped her cheek, cradling her head as she was pulled fully to lie against a chest. "Aunt Regina what's going on?" She whispered as Regina gently rested a chin on top of her head, keeping her close.

 Rubbing Emma's arm in a soothing effort. "Hush now baby. I'll tell you everything at home." Though Regina had no idea how she was going to be able to do anything of the kind.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"They want you to come now?” Mal asked incredulously. She stood waiting with Regina outside under the covered awning of the courthouse as the follow up call to the prison about next steps was relayed back to her. A strong breeze picked up and she reached automatically to hold her fedora in place. A light drizzle had begun too as storm clouds rolled in with the chill of evening.

Emma sat a few feet away on a wooden bench watching the adults talk. Her knees huddled to her chest for warmth as she wrapped in her aunt’s blazer tighter around her shoulders. In their haste to get out the door with the rocky morning their coats had been forgotten. She rested her chin atop her knees and sighed. She was confused and curious at what was going on. Something big was going on she was sure and she did not like that she had yet to know about whatever it is. Still she waited. Regina had promised to tell her at home and those promises made always came true. That alone was helping to keep her anxiety at bay. For the moment.

Regina nodded to Mal’s question as she twisted one heel into the concrete. “They need a claim on her and I know she’s…” A thick swallow. “I just need to see for myself." It was real, but it was not yet and she needed time to wrap her head around this new reality before talking to Emma. She needed a minute to herself knowing Emma was being taken care of. Regina needed a lot of things. Some of which Mal’s eyes were offering her now, but she smiled tightly instead of moving forward into the arms that promised comfort. “Thanks for all your help today."

“None needed Regina, you know that.”

Regina did know that, but looked away from concerned eyes and out into the busy traffic watching as a van pulled up. Her neighbor Granny Lucas peeked out the driver's window waving. "Emma baby it’s time to go." She said reaching for the child's hand and leading the way towards the parked vehicle. She stopped when Mal’s hand grazed her shoulder and she turned.

"If there's anything you or Emma need, please let me know.” Then quieter so little ears would not hear. “You don’t have to handle this by yourself." Mal offered beseeching Regina with her eyes to let her in just a little.

Regina considered those words and more so for who said them, weighing each before replying. "I have always handled everything myself." She said glancing up as a peal of thunder sounded overhead. More softly she continued for the understanding those blue eyes held. "But thank you, Mal. It means a lot to me." With those parting words she moved towards the van with her niece in tow.

Granny Lucas peered over the rim of glasses at the two approaching figures. "I came as soon as I got the call after leaving Ruby with Ashley. I'm so sorry Regina—" But she closed her mouth quickly as Regina shook a head, their eyes meeting meaningfully before sweeping over Emma.

"Aunt Regina, what's she talking about?" Emma begged to be let in on what everyone else seemed to know, but her. Regina turned to her then, opening the van door.

"I need you to go with Granny Lucas back to our house. I'll be home soon. We'll talk and I will answer all your questions." Regina explained ushering Emma into the van. Her eyes misted over at that contorted face. She leaned in, cupping a cheek. "I promise Emma. I'll be home as soon as I can.” Assuring and kissing the top of blonde curls before closing the sliding door. A drizzle started that made Regina shiver. She turned back to Granny speaking quietly. "Please try and get her to eat something. I should be home in a few hours."

"Don't worry. She's fine with me like always." Granny said cupping Regina’s cheek. Her thumb wiped a falling tear there. “Do what you need to do, I have her.”

And like always Regina nodded gratefully. Granny had been a saving grace the last few years since Emma had come into her life. Never one to get close to anyone, least of all strangers, but when Regina had moved into her home long ago Granny had knocked on her door with little Ruby a mere toddler in tow with a fresh baked apple pie to welcome her to the neighborhood. Reminded of her grandmother, Regina invited them inside and they struck a fast friendship. Was grateful now as she had been grateful then for the companionship and a reminder of it. She waved to Emma as the van pulled away from the curb. Hugging herself as the rain began to come down harder Regina hurried off across the street to the parking garage to face the impossible choices made between sisters.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Regina had no idea how she had managed rush hour traffic to the mortuary. One moment she was sitting in her car in the parking garage staring straight ahead as her knuckles turned white around the steering wheel. The next her hand was pulling up the parking break before exiting the car on the other side of town.

She checked in the main office showing ID and numbly answered a few questions. Slowly she followed a young man in a lab coat through a security gate and into a large room. Along opposite walls there were stainless steel oven like doors stacked three by four. Regina's eyes turned glassy as he wordlessly opened one of the drawers farthest from her. Staying fixed to the spot, unsure of her stability if she moved just then, Regina waited.

And watched the present slap her wide awake with feeling when that white sheet rolled down. Carefully, the man stepped back, making room for her. Saying a silent prayer for strength her fist grew tight. The cameo ring she wore cut into her palm. That physical pain willed her forward when the one in her heart was a dead weight. Regina found more of her footing and walked over to look at her little sister.

 On a chilled metal slab Zelena lay. Eyes were a wide white empty framed by a shock of red hair. There were lines criss-crossing around a neck where there should not be. And the mouth… Regina’s stomach knotted and she crossed her arms over it. She wanted to look away, but couldn’t for the price that had landed them both right _here_.

And right _now_ real bit the inside of her heart and began chewing. Chewing slowly, just like her teeth did her inner cheek. In a brief flash a disturbing thought crossed Regina’s mind. Had some divine force not intervened in destiny or had she not made the choice to leave when she had as a teenager, roles could have been reversed and she could have been on that table. "No.” Shaking her head and willing the image behind her eyes to go away. “Enough. That’s enough. Please."

The man put the sheet back. He held up a clipboard with a pen as he finished asking the last few questions for the claimer of the deceased. Regina answered as best she could before signing the paper that was offered to her. She initialed down the list with one last look at the ghost on the table.

Her mind saw right through that sheet.

She hurried out of the room making her way back outside. It was raining heavier and the wetness soaked trough her blouse. The chill biting her skin woke her from the numb haze. Regina stood still for a moment lifting her chin up, letting the rain wash over her to take some of the guilt sliding down her face to the ground. Guilt is a sticky demon though and clung to Regina’s cheeks. Inside her mind too the last image of Zelena clung. Both their choices glued those firmly in place and time would not be able to peel it away so easily.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

With a twist of her wrist Regina heard the engine die down. The only noise was the rain beating down on warm metal and glass. For a moment she just watched it falling. Falling as she felt like falling apart. Balling up her fist, she slammed it into the dash. Knuckles cracked. One split and began to bleed. She hugged her aching fist to her stomach as she struggled to fight back the inevitable.

Then like the pounding rain Regina fell, bracing herself against the steering wheel as waves of tears engulfed her. She cried resentfully, her spirit aching until she could cry no more. Time passed as she gave into feeling and the storm broke after a while, opening the blue of sky as the sun wept through cracks in the clouds.  Regina wiped her face and blew her nose with a tissue from her purse. Another she used to wrap her knuckle tight. Taking several deep breaths, she gave her legs power enough to walk up the stone path to the house. Granny had been waiting for her it seemed and opened the door before Regina had her key out.

The old woman said nothing for nothing could be said for the raw ache approaching. So Granny took a step forward and took Regina into her arms.

It was there Regina found a bit of herself again. Closing her eyes, she simply held on. To someone who cared. Someone who understood. Someone like her grandmother who had been a bright spot in her childhood. Like her grandmother had been able, Granny understood her shield and armor without making Regina feel like she had to hold them tighter.

“Did you see what you needed to?” Granny asked, pulling back to hold Regina about the shoulders. She knew very little about the woman’s past, but just enough about the present years before and after Emma to understand the weight that trip to the mortuary had held.

"Too much.” Regina admitted. “It was certainly one of the most unpleasant things I have ever had to do. Emma?"

"Upstairs in her room. I had her change for bed, but she's restless and keeps asking for you. She ate a few bites of the soup and sandwich I made for her, but she didn't seem to have an appetite.”

"Thanks for watching her and coming as quick as you did." Regina said crossing her arms for warmth as Granny rubbed her shoulders briefly. "I need to get out of these wet clothes and up to her."

"I'll call you tomorrow and I’ll bring dinner. I’m here to help with whatever you need." Granny offered one last squeeze to a hand as she buttoned up her coat and took her purse to shoulder before heading down the walk.

Regina watched her go before locking up and slowly ascending the stairs. Nearing the top, she stopped on the last few steps, noticing Emma's crouched form sitting by the banister, back against the rail posts. "How long have you been sitting there sweetheart?"

"A while, I was waiting for you.” Emma tried to decipher her aunt’s face, but she couldn’t read it. Dark brows were knit tight though so she asked. “You mad?" Emma questioned as Regina mounted the rest of the stairs and stood looking down at her.

Soft and near breaking. "No, not at all baby.” Then a bit stronger for the green eyes on her needing comfort. “I want you to go get Henry Bear and wait for me on your bed. Maybe you can read one of your comics to him for a few minutes. I need to change and then I'll be in."

Emma liked that idea but not the look on her aunt’s face. Wordlessly she did as she was asked, glancing over her shoulder once as she went.

 In her bathroom Regina undressed and quickly washed her face after toweling off. She wanted a shower, but that could wait. She pulled her damp hair up into a loose twist with a clip before putting on a favorite long sleep shirt and gray satin pant set. She took a long moment to just breathe and center. Then a longer moment to look in the mirror. Before this talk she needed to do one thing. One thing she should have done, she realized, ages ago. But right now, especially now it mattered.

Going to her room she took a small gold key from its hidden place in her closet and went to her vanity. She inserted it in the bottom drawer and turned. Quickly Regina lifted out the small jewelry tray there and removed the false bottom of the drawer to a compartment underneath. Grabbing a pen from her nightstand, she returned and pulled out the folded top page on a bundle of papers there. The notebook page she had listed her dreams on while sitting on a bus out of town with a busted lip on the night of her high school graduation. The night she had run away from her past. With only the future ahead of her and on her own that list had served as her roadmap to freedom and healing.

Underneath her last dream written in her teenage hand she added a new one. A few words followed by one most precious and next to it the date. She ran her finger over the cursive _E_ of Emma’s name. With a final deep breath, she returned everything to right and made her way to her niece's room.

Emma sat huddled up by the headboard hugging her knees with Henry Bear in her lap. She scratched her legs anxiously over her red PJ pants, her toes curling and uncurling in wondering anticipation as Regina entered her room. She cast her comic aside. Her eyes met her aunt’s for a faltering second before turning away. Instead, she focused on the pattern the setting sun made on the cream carpet through her gauzy drapes.

"It’s only 6:30. Do I have to go to bed early?" Emma asked. Her sweet face contorted in a slight pout as her aunt came to sit near her on the bed.

Regina drew her legs up as she sat and stretched them out on the rumpled purple quilt, resting her back against the stacked pillows along the headboard. She put her arm around Emma's small shoulders, pulling the girl gently to her side. "No, I just wanted you to be ready for bed because we have something very important to talk about and I don't know how late—" She began and was interrupted.

"I said sorry earlier, about lying to you.” Emma cut in. She had been doing a lot of thinking since this morning and thought she had worked out her feelings. Was proud of herself for doing so on her own and she wanted to explain what she had written out in her notebook before she had fallen asleep on the couch in the waiting room. She had worked hard to find the right words. Her words. “I was mad at myself for knocking the vase over and ruining your journal. I know it’s special. That's why I ran. I wasn’t trying to be deceit-ful." She explained quickly snuggling up to Regina and pulling her stuffed bear close to her chest.

Regina’s lips hinted up at Emma's attempt to copy her vocabulary and nodded, "I know, and thank you for your apology. I can tell you thought about how to share that with me a great deal.” Never easy for Emma to do, but progress that deserved praise. And she wished that is all she had to give, not the news starting to burn a hole in her throat and again right behind her eyes. “That's not what I want to discuss with you right now though baby."

"But you said earlier that…” The girl stopped as her aunt’s head shook, tears once again slipping from brown eyes and she pulled back to better see her aunt's face. "You're crying. I don't like it when you cry." Emma complained, her own eyes welling up just then to match.

Regina pulled Emma back into her arms and onto her lap before speaking making sure that Henry Bear joined them. "Something has happened today, something very sad that involves your mother." Try as she might to keep her voice steady it shook at the edges. She forced her way through as Emma looked at her quizzically. "Your mother…” A breath slow in and out. “Took her life this afternoon.”

"What'd you mean?" Emma questioned, feeling as if someone had pressed a button making all the hair on her skin stand upright.

“It’s called suicide. She chose to make her body stop working and she passed away baby.”

It took a moment for Regina's words to register before Emma began trembling. "She's gone." She said more to herself than to her aunt. She knew what death was and understood the finality of it, but her mother was not supposed to be _that_ word. Her mind spun trying to wrap itself around the situation as her teeth captured her bottom lip to suck.

 Hard.

Her aunt had said her mother had a choice to make towards healing, like she did. Emma had taken those words to heart as she always did, hoping that her mother might be okay. That one day she would have a mother who could love her. Like her aunt loved her. It didn't matter to her then, the years of neglect and abuse. All Emma wanted at that moment was her mother back. Back so her mother could have a chance. A chance to live as she had gotten to the moment she was left on her aunt's doorstep.

Arms held closely as Emma shook her head. "I thought she'd be better in that place.” Thoughts racing through what Regina had told her about the arrest. Like she always did she took those words as her truth. Trusted those words to be the hope she needed. Words that resulted in _this_ hard truth being real. “You said she was going to be able to talk to someone who would help her, like I get to every week. You said!" Her last few words were shouted as something she couldn’t name started to radiate through her. Then, that something began breaking. “Why’d she do that?” And Emma’s words failed her.

Just as Regina’s had.

Regina did not have that answer. She never did for the choices Zelena had made, but the little one in her arms needed that answer. From her. Right now. So she tried to explain when she had no idea what was right to say. "Your mother was hurting in a few different ways. Her mind was sick and when that happens sometimes people made sad and painful decisions they would not otherwise make.”

Emma began to weep.

Regina’s lips rolled in for the absolute devastation on Emma’s face that was buckling under to more than tears. She knew where that little mind had gone. Then the most certain she had felt since the news, her voice came strong and sure. “You did nothing wrong and none of this is your fault. There is nothing you did or did not do to make this happen... It was her choice, baby." Regina stopped; her throat closing wishing there was something she could say or do to pacify the now hysterical girl in her arms.

"You promised,” Emma’s hurt pushed between them. If not her fault, she looked to blame someone for her hurt. Repeating when what used to make sense did not anymore. “You promised. You said she’d have a chance to be better." Squirming.

Emma wanted to run. She wanted to hide from this dark heavy thing crushing her chest and making it hard to breathe. Part of her wanted to do battle and the other half wanted those strong arms around her never, ever to let go. Torn Emma gave into crying. She was mad. More than mad at her mother, the world, and at Regina for something she had never had a choice in; her birth.

“Baby—“

"I hate her," Low and hot, backed by a hiccup Emma’s voice gave out and then with a strangled moan she hid her face in Regina's chest clinging for dear life. She could feel her aunt’s tears drip down upon her cheek mixing with her own and for why they mixed, she added, "And I hate _you_." Words gone for good now she gave in completely to weeping.

 With full words of such raw heartache Regina felt hers break into pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Don’t hate me for the cliff hanger. They will come though this. Thoughts?
> 
> Next time – Emma finds a way to cope. Regina struggles to understand and work through Emma’s choice until she realizes what is missing. They are reminded of how their love was built on hard earned trust and the pieces of them begin to take a new shape.


	8. The Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – The chapter picks up immediately where the last left off. After this first segment there are small time jumps throughout.

Chapter 8 – The Pieces

:::::::::::::::::::::::

Brown eyes fluttered open, blinking several times to adjust to the rude first light of the day. Regina looked about taking in the purple quilt and sheets, realizing she was not in her own bed. As she pushed herself to sit up the previous night’s events rushed in and she fell back against the headboard. A small bundled form nested more snugly into her flat stomach. Regina reached a hand down to soothe Emma, stroking the fine curls and rubbing a back gently as her thoughts wandered.

Her philosophy in life was that with each new day a fresh chance was given to start over, another opportunity to begin again and she had tried to teach her niece to have the same expectancy. Though, for the first time in many years Regina felt this morning to be an intrusive slap of hard truth she was not sure she could face. As anxiety started in, she closed her eyes tightly taking a deep breath before opening them again as if expecting to have a different day to live than reality gave to her.

In the chaos of the day to come there would be phone calls to make, arrangements for a funeral, people coming in and out of the house, the elementary school to notify, patients to cancel, explanations and excuses to make, people and even more people, but first above all else there would be Emma. As if sensing her demanding thoughts Emma shifted and one little hand clutched the silk of her sleep shirt. She looked down; noting the sweet curves of face framing long lashed sleeping eyes that had been so red and wet last night. Regina cringed remembering the cutting words Emma had said before crying herself into an exhausted sleep.

Sorrow welled in her eyes and overflowed down her cheeks. Regina had felt utterly helpless by her inability to calm and pacify Emma. Her heart was telling her that the blame rested rightfully there, that Zelena's death should have been preventable; somehow, someway. She shook her head willing the negative vigor to manifest itself elsewhere; logically she knew she did not own it.

But a part of her would not let it go.

The part of her that had once felt cheated; robbed of her right to a healthy childhood. She had eventually gotten away. Her sister had not. Regina knew Emma felt that her right to a relationship with Zelena had also died last night. And for all the pain that woman had caused she was _still_ Emma’s mother; a mother who did not know how to love very well.

And neither did Regina. At one time that had been the case anyway. Until Emma taught her how.

Regina shook her head. At one time she thought that in order to control the darkness from her past that she had to isolate herself. That had worked fine for a long time, until it didn’t and Regina realized that not having someone to love was the worst curse imaginable. It was then that _the something more_ showed up on her doorstep. One night when she had least expected it. Regina had learned what love was. Real love was a kind of magic.

And that magic was Emma.

Regina felt unsure about a lot of things right now. That maybe this was too much for them to heal over. That feeling was fleeting, however, as she tried to push doubt aside. There was no room for it, not today. Regina Mills was sure of one thing, however. That she loved Emma and together they could get through anything. Then doubt’s teeth swiftly returned to nibble and nip.

But with Emma breathing shallow and soft in slumber beside her, there was still a moment to find her inner strength in the new day before green eyes opened.

 

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Emma stood in a grassy field under a lone leaning pine tree shading a row of stones in the earth, eyes wincing in the light too bright. Her eyes hurt and she tried rubbing them for relief, but that only irritated them more. With a huff she dropped her fist to her side. Regina stood just behind her wearing a dark pantsuit and dark sunglasses to match. Two hands rested on her shoulders and had the entire time the man had been talking. Emma had never remembered those hands feeling so heavy. She said nothing as she stared at the hole in the ground. Dead things went in the ground. Dead like her mother was dead. Leaning her head back against the strength behind her Emma reached her hands up and rested them over her aunts.

Tight. Oh so tightly, she held on.

A man spoke some more words, but like before Emma was not listening. The only thing Emma heard was the certain sound of the heart at her back beating in her ear as she turned her face away.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Their house was full of people that same afternoon. A few people too many that made her tummy cramp. Ones Emma well knew though and that helped. Her teacher Ms. Blanchard, Dr. Hopper, and Granny Lucas had shown up first. Mal was there too and her best friend Ruby. Each had tried to engage her in some way, but Emma wanted nothing to do with any of them right now.

She showed as much by ducking down when she thought no one was looking and crawling under the dining room table they never used except on holidays. Today was not a holiday, but the table was covered with a white cloth and trays of food. Emma sat there staring at the shadows that walked by. One stopped and crouched to lift the cloth. Her aunt asked a question and Emma shook her head no, not meeting those eyes. The room of voices grew quiet around her. Emma focused on the sound of forks scraping plates.

The cloth dropped.

A few minutes later it lifted again. Then Henry Bear was in her arms. Emma kneaded her fingers into his soft fur. Her aunt’s hand squeezed her knee once. For a moment Emma almost gave into the promise of comfort it held like when she had taken it in the cemetery. Instead, she ignored it as she tried to ignore the hurt making her chest constrict way too tight. Emma wanted that hand more than anything, but not the pain that came with by taking it. She would have to feel something then instead of the numbness she had been counting on to hold her together.

Brown eyes glassed before the cloth dropped once more.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Emma bolted upright, her body quaking with silent sobs. She looked frantically about the dim room, taking in the familiarity of her things, realizing she was no longer dreaming. The cotton sheets were tangled and twisted about her bare legs. Henry Bear nowhere to be found. She searched in a slight panic to find her one comfort. The bear was wedged between the mattress and foot board at the end of her twin canopy. Quickly extracting it, Emma sat hugging the frayed plush to her rapid heart.

Her eyes grew larger with each passing second as the action figures on the shelf seemed to become animated. The clothes on her chair were bundled so that they resembled a crouching troll waiting to pounce; at least that's what her imagination said. The full moon set harsh, disquieting shadows across the cream carpet through her window. She swore she could hear the scratching of a creature's claws under her bed.

The darkness was her enemy as her mind tricked and toyed on her fears. The sharp hoot of an owl broke the silence, sending chills down her back as she reached about pulling the blankets and sheets back up. More than anything she wanted Regina's arms about her, she wanted that loving kiss and words of solace to settle her back into sleep.

Usually she went to her aunt’s room when she had such dreams. But her feet would not leave the bed. The temptation to call out, because of her fear, was great knowing Regina would be there in a heartbeat. Her mouth opened a bit considering words she knew would bring feet running. But heaviness crept up on Emma and sat right on her throat making her lips firmly shut. Pulling the blankets over her head, like a turtle tucking tight into a shell she curled up into a ball, legs under herself.

As she had been doing in the two weeks since her mother's suicide, Emma suffered the rest of the night in silence huddled under layers of quilts trying to get back into a fitful sleep and away from the feelings that kept closing in on her.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Drawing had always been her one true passion, something Emma was _‘exceptionally gifted_ ’ at her aunt had said, as she always seemed to know how to blend colors to make things appear real on the blank textured sheets of paper. Charcoals were her favorite medium, but required permission and plenty of newspaper to cover her work area. Markers and crayons were used by default for everyday creativity.

Emma had been drawing endlessly for several days now, making the same picture over and over again. She never seemed to get it quite right and would trash it halfway through only to begin anew. Mind full and she was searching for something to fill the hole in her heart. She only felt really calm lately with an art tool in hand, giving her the ability to control.

"Emma?"

The girl's ears picked up the soft imploring sound of her name. Ignoring the voice, Emma kept on coloring, making the black circle on her paper bigger and bigger. She drummed her socked feet on the carpet in a similar rhythm and leaned over the paper on her desk, her nose inches from the wax caked surface. Her crayon finally broke under the repetitive pressure, and with a scowl she threw it across her room before reaching for the red one nearby.

"Emma."

The voice was more persistent now and still Emma chose to disregard it, something she had made a habit of as of late. She had been making this same picture all afternoon and she felt she was close to being done, close to discovering the hidden meaning of the image. The girl sensed movement behind her; still she paid no mind as she pressed harder and harder with her instrument. She used the crimson wax to outline the dense black, her hand made the round motion faster and faster.

_"Baby."_

Regina gently put her hand on the girl's shoulder. Emma shrugged it off, not looking up at all from the paper. Though she was rebuffed easily she still tried again. "I didn't mean to interrupt you, I was just wondering what you've been up to all day. May I see your picture?" She asked, hopeful for some kind of acknowledgement and was surprised when Emma leaned back a bit in the chair allowing a small glimpse over a shoulder.

A heart was taking shape on the paper and not the symbolic version of one, but a real heart with blood vessels and arteries. One of her medical books from her study lay cracked; wide open on Emma’s desk. Her lips pursed at the idea of Emma going in there without asking, but let it go. Regina had been letting a lot of behaviors go lately for the little swelling ache of a heart not on that paper.

Finding her voice, Regina tried to connect. "That's very detailed sweetheart, I like the shading you've done with all the colors." With that comment Regina reached out and lifted the picture in order to get a better look at it.

Emma quickly grabbed for it with one hand while pushing at her aunt to go away with the other. In her frustration her fingers caught a corner and tugged too hard and she ended up ripping her drawing. From deep in her throat came a wail as Emma threw the red crayon to join its mate at the far end of her room. Her hands yanked the tattered paper from Regina and tore at the remainder.

Words and meaning, like always lately, were beyond Emma as she slipped off the chair into a crumpled heap on the floor. She pounded the carpet noiselessly with a balled fist over the ripped mess she had made at her aunt's feet. She felt so tired of searching for something she couldn’t name.

And didn't know was right in front of her.

Regina knelt down, trying to draw the girl into her arms, but Emma twisted away. She tried again and still she was rebuffed. Now immobilized, Regina put one hand over her mouth and the other across her turning stomach trying to settle it as she watched her irate child have another agonizing fit. Once again, she felt powerless.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"Even if you're not speaking to me Emma, I need you to at least nod so I know you understand. Will you do that for me please?"

Weary and frustrated Regina rubbed the bridge of her nose and then her temple with her index finger, massaging the ever present headache she had seemed to have for the last several weeks. Emma ignored her. Regina closed her eyes, taking a deep breath only to open them to a still present traffic light which seemed to grow redder and redder with each passing moment. Traffic was horrible at 5:00 pm everywhere in the busy city and that was not helping her mood.

They were just leaving Emma’s art therapy session Dr. Hopper had recommended and while it seemed to be helping Emma in some ways, it was not doing anything to help words come from that pink mouth. Regina’s thoughts weighed heavily on the last few weeks as she drove them home. She glanced at her silent niece in the rearview mirror.

Emma was tracing a swirling pattern of nothing in particular on the cool window of the Mercedes, seemingly lost in a daydream. But this expression of nonchalant listlessness was no child's fantasy. It was a look that had housed itself in the girl's petite features, closing off all emotion, expression, and words.

Needing a response, Regina tried a small test of direction again. "Take your fingers off the glass please sweetheart.” Regina could care less about the damn glass, but about a reaction. Anything at all. It was a safe request which she thought Emma would respond to. It was minded a minute later as little fingers moved to twirl a long curl around and around a finger instead.

Emma looked down, gracing her eyes from the now moving traffic to gaze closely at the strands of hair around her finger, moving it this way and that catching the evening sun’s fading rays. Colors clashed, and then blended showing the streaks of strawberry hidden but revealed with the shift of her fingers. She suddenly felt tears welling up and the first words in ever so long slipped out in a breathy whisper. "I hate my hair. It's like hers."

It was so unexpected that Regina nearly missed her foot on the brake to stop for another city light. Safely at a stand still she turned fully around in her seat, wondering if the spell of silence over Emma had suddenly been broken. "What did you say, baby? What about your hair?" Disappointment misted her eyes as she watched Emma close back in on herself. A visible veil fell back over a pair green eyes. Regina realized then that the random comment had not directed to her. At all. She slowly turned back around; her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly turning her knuckles white from discouragement.

Just as she was about to turn off the main road, a sudden impulse came over Regina and she kept driving well past their home block. Emma looked questioningly out the back window, then at the back of her head. Regina sensed the confusion, but said nothing until they pulled into a well known diner called Granny’s. It was a favorite of Emma’s for more than belonging to the Granny they knew; being the first restaurant that Regina had ever taken her to. It held happy memories for both of them. Memories Regina hoped would stir Emma into speaking again.

Green eyes watched a red mouth speak in the rear view mirror.

"I think we need a treat and I don't really feel like cooking." Regina answered the silent question, turning off the car and exiting.

Emma kept a hand on the door handle of the car as an anchor after getting out not knowing quite what to feel about this unexpected shift to their routine. It unsettled her, but had also gotten her attention in a completely different way. Change had that effect on her. But there was a calm that followed in her aunt’s obvious expectation that she follow. Emma joined Regina in walking up the winding concrete path.

They were quickly seated in a red vinyl booth with a checked linen tablecloth and a small candle votive as a center piece. A beverage order was taken by a young waitress. Emma remembered her from last time, but gave no indication to the smiling acknowledgement. She watched with shaded eyes as her aunt settled across the way looking at the menu.

Sparkling lemonade had been ordered when she was normally not allowed syrupy fizzy sugar so late in the day. Emma wondered at the exception as she eyed the tempting drink that was set before her a few minutes later, but did not reach for it. She wanted to. Wanted the treat and the affection she was missing. She was trying to punish Regina for something she couldn't fully comprehend and only vaguely began to realize she was hurting herself as well as her aunt by her actions.

Regina ended up ordering for both of them. Bread and two small dinner salads were brought out. Like it would at home, her aunt took a few minutes to arrange the salad on the plate the _right_ way, separating the tomatoes and cucumbers away from the lettuce. Then it was set in front of her. While the plate was right and how she needed it to be to eat, Emma sat in silence, not eating anything as Regina spoke to her as if everything were normal. By the entrée her stomach was growling.

Emma felt confused inside. Like a tangled mess of yarn she was trying to find the separate ends of only to realize the ends were knotted together from the start. She wondered briefly to herself why she kept running from her aunt’s attempts at connecting, knowing that eventually this woman always caught up with her. But this wasn't like the ordinary battle of wills they sometimes found themselves in where winning and losing are the only outcomes. Emma understood then that winning didn't always mean what she had come to know it by. Like the hero’s and villains in her comic books and like the emotions she struggled to understand, people were much more complicated than that.

Her mouth suddenly went dry as cotton and Emma reached for her now flat lemonade, sucking greedily on the straw as she observed Regina's hands elegantly cutting the bed of lasagna into edible bite sizes. This woman took her in, raised her, tucked her in at night, kissed her tears and fears away, and loved her.

Her mother had not done those things. Emma puzzled over why it mattered that her mother _should_ have when Regina had and still was doing those things. Even when she had been pushing those arms away for weeks. Emma wondered why she was fighting so hard to do that. Regina looked up at her then; those knowing eyes held onto her. Tears suddenly began to stream from Emma's and landed in spaghetti sauce. She quickly wiped at them as the realization of a relationship she had not been fully conscious of interrupted her confusion.

Who was Regina if not her mother?

But her _mother_ was dead, buried deep in the darkness under a small gravestone. Emma knew because she had picked out the stone and watched the box go in the hole. The moisture of tears soothed her sore, tired eyes. Her anger was blurring with a pining ache to forgive Regina, but forgive for what had her breathing harder. _'Why is this so hard?'_ Emma wondered and wanted to ask the one who always had the answers to her questions and then she realized she didn’t have to. It was in those eyes holding her up when her own tried to hide.

Emma wanted her mother and not the one in the ground.

Regina leaned back watching quietly, fingering the fork in her hand. She frowned thoughtfully knowing something of deep importance was taking place. Of what she was unsure, but she accepted that it was not for her understanding right then. This moment was entirely Emma's.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

It was the Saturday morning after the diner dinner and already tension filled the air. Emma had been especially difficult, picking over anything Regina served her for breakfast, refusing to even sample three different items prepared in the woman's attempt to get her to eat something. Emma's appetite had been steadily declining and Regina was worried about more than the girl's nourishment.

In her irritation over being coaxed to eat Emma had thrown a plate of eggs to the floor, shattering glass shards everywhere before dropping her head in her arms in frustration. Despite her actions, Regina had not reprimanded her. Though Emma had waited for the response she was used to when she felt out of control. Counted on it to help her regain it, but nothing happened. Through the crook of her arm and the tabletop she was granted a small opening to watch as her aunt wordlessly swept up her mess.

All in all it had not been a pleasant morning for either of them.

After a few minutes, Emma slipped upstairs to wash her face as her aunt finished up the dishes. Her reflection in the bathroom mirror startled her for a moment; puckered face was flushed and her hair a snarled mess. She pulled a comb through it, trying to tame her bed-head. It was something she used to let her aunt do for her before bed each night so it would not get this way in the morning, but she had not allowed those hands to brush or braid it in weeks. Emma stopped for a moment and took a long, loathing look, deciding something.

With her aunt busy downstairs, Emma quickly stole down the carpeted hallway and into Regina's room, a place she wasn't allowed to go unless given permission. But right now she didn’t care as she searched the shelf of her aunt’s walk in closet next to a long line of shoes; a costly designer collection worthy of a queen. Her swift forge was rewarded as her hand closed around her sought prize, hidden in a wicker basket used to keep sewing supplies. She hurried back to her bathroom.

The sleek silver felt cold in her hand. Emma moved her neck side to side taking in the movement of her long curly hair that fell near her narrow hips. She flexed her fingers, listening to the soft grit of metal on metal. The sound was oddly calming so she repeated it a few more times before she took a deep breath.

She carefully grabbed a fist full of her hated strands, noticing how the healthy gleam of hair reflected in the mirror like metal of the large sewing scissors. Taking another breath, Emma began to constrict her hand closing the blades in a beheading fashion around the mid section of her hair when she suddenly felt her hand caught and pulled quickly away. Though, not before catching the tail end of her hair cutting off several inches at a jagged angle.

The heavy metal fell clinking to the tile, scraping the floor as it spun out of reach. Nearly six inches of hair lay tangled and sprawled disorderly around her bare feet; a small triumph.

"What do you think you are doing? You nearly cut off your finger!" Regina turning Emma by the shoulders before letting her hands travel through the ends of her niece's new blunt cut to examine the damage. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Then thought better of her question remembering the difficult morning.

A satisfied smile toyed on Emma's lips as she curled her toes in the dead softness of what she considered her inherited defect; her aunt’s adoration. Regina sighed heavily leaning down to pick up her scissors. With the executioner's ax in hand, she guided Emma out of the room.

Emma felt her aunt's hand around the back of her neck steering her into the master bedroom. She watched, as her aunt set down the scissors on the dresser and laid out a large towel on the floor placing a small wooden footstool from the closet in its center.

Regina eyed Emma for a hard moment contemplating a decision in her head. With firm resolution, she placed her foot on the stool, bending her knee, pulling Emma to her to lean against it as she brought down her hand to the center of a bottom correcting as she normally would.

"You will not cut your own hair nor will you come in here on your own without asking me. Scissors and anything sharp requires my permission. Do you understand me?" Regina asked calmly hoping against all odds Emma would respond to her. Emma only grunted. Regina knelt down then and pulled the girl into a hug, which was allowed for a moment before the little one pulled away.

Emma glared crossing her arms over her chest. She was mad that her aunt had managed to break her silent barrier.

Regina fought her own tears over being pushed away and not wanting to pick a further fight she cleared her throat and gestured her niece on top of the stool.

The child eyed it, but moved to do as prompted and remained compliantly still as a comb was gently worked through hair. The sensation brought a calm Emma had long missed and for just a moment she forgot about how they had ended up here and was just content to be here with those hands tending her.

Hair was trimmed here and there trying to even out the jagged angles. After several minutes of cutting and combing Regina was somewhat satisfied with the results. The cascade of hair now fell to the girls mid back, the less weight allowed for more curls to wind tightly upward. The effect was beautiful.

Emma moved down off her perch at the kiss on the crown of her head. Any hint of the previous self-satisfied smile now vanished as the girl realized that she had not only been unsuccessful in her personal destruction, but she had lost her silence as well. Her small hands grew into tight fists that she pounded against her thighs.

Regina watched her niece's turmoil before kneeling in front of the child. Taking those clenched hands into hers, she worked those small fingers to pry open each fist gently so she could hold them. Emma allowed the tender touch. Closer she was getting closer to chipping the walls Emma had up so high. With her niece so close and focused on her Regina tried to reach beyond them.

Three weeks of worry broke wide open. "Please baby just talk to me. Tell me what's going on inside of you." Emma looked away from her, but did not pull away and in that Regina was hopeful. "I’m right here for you, sweetheart." The words were constricted in the woman's throat as she continued, "I’m trying to understand why you are not talking, but I need your help to do that so I can help you.”

Nothing.

Regina was pleading now, beyond any reserve of a parental coaxing tone. “I am trying my best to show you I am here for you, that I love you, that nothing changes that. Nothing will stop me from loving you, or wanting you to feel better.” She searched green for any understanding and saw only a mere flash of it. “Just tell me what you want me to do, Emma? Just talk to me please..."

Emma was wrapped back up again in those arms. She didn’t return the hug. She had lost her words weeks ago and on her own she had not been able to find them again. Words were too hard. Words made everything real and real hurt way to much right now. And even when they didn’t, when they mattered in other ways her aunt was not using them in a way Emma had come to count on. A nagging string tugged guiltily at Emma’s heart as she knew she was the cause of the tears that were shed over her shoulder as she pulled away again.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Emma squirmed on the sofa.

Regina had her wash and dress before hustling her out to the car for her appointment later that same morning. During the last year she had made a weekly visit to Dr. Archie Hopper's office and as of late, it had been twice a week. Emma's eyes scanned the room, before giving her attention to Dr. Hopper.

"Your Aunt Regina has mentioned a few times you have had a tough time the last several weeks; that you're not speaking or responding to people, her especially.”

Green eyes widened a bit before she blinked, turning her face to look out the window at the passing puffs of gray clouds. She began counting them out of habit, but tried to listen to him too.

The patient man smiled thoughtfully before scribbling something on his notepad. "I know she's very concerned about you Emma. I am too, and we can both help you if you open up and talk to us. If you're not ready yet that's okay, but as soon as you do, I can promise that you'll start to feel a lot better." He tried to coax the child out of her shell. The girl's eyes turned glassy, but she did not give any other notion that she had heard his words. Archie turned then and rummaged through the bottom drawer of his desk.

Out of the corner of her eye Emma watched as the he pulled out a pack of markers, and a large sheet of paper, setting them on the coffee table between them.

"I understand if you don't want to talk just yet. I know you love art, so why don't you draw something for me instead. I'll just sit with you, how's that?"

Emma eyed Dr. Hopper skeptically, but reached for a marker quickly as the temptation was too great to ignore.

He smiled, pushing the paper closer. "It's your hour to do as you please. We don't always have to talk in here. Sometimes certain feelings come out better without words."

For the first time all day Emma’s face relaxed. Glad to be somewhat understood she spent the better part of her hour coloring in silence.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

It all came tumbling out of Regina when the door to Archie’s office closed. She sank down on the couch in the very spot Emma had vacated minutes before and sat with her head in her hands. "She hasn't spoken to me in nearly a month. At first I didn't try to make her. I just spoke to her about feelings, how much I loved her and I was here for her. She didn't seem to hear any of it or she is chose not to. I know she blames me for Zelena's suicide, whether it's conscious or not that I'm not sure of. Most of all I am tired. I haven't been sleeping well and Emma isn't either, nor has she a healthy appetite. I’m worried sick and…" She confessed, biting her tongue just then to keep from tearing up but the tears came anyway. “I don't know what to do anymore.”

Dr. Hopper gave a reassuring smile. "As we know with Emma there is no clear direction on what to do or not do sometimes. You have to figure it out as you go along and with a child like Emma that is no easy thing. She is a volcano waiting to go off. She's improved greatly over the last year with her temper and explaining her feelings, but with a blow like her mother’s suicide, it is going to take time."

Brown eyes pulled away from the carpet with a leveled look. “I’m not sure how much more time hiding in silence and fits, and not eating or sleeping consistently is going to be healthy for her.”

Archie nodded. "I agree with you, truly. For the sleeping I can prescribe a medication to help her."

Regina shook her head. "No, not just yet; I've been using an herbal mixture in a tea the last week and it seems to be starting to work." Last night Emma had slept through the night for the first time in weeks and the last thing Regina wanted was to put Emma on any kind of medication. She herself had been prescribed just about everything when she had entered therapy a decade earlier. The side effects were so unpleasant that she swiftly searched out other natural remedies.

"Let me know if that keeps working out.” Archer adjusted his glasses. “But other than her routine habits tell me how everything else is?"

Regina shook her head becoming lost once again in the events of the last several weeks. "She's been avoiding any contact with me. During the funeral, she held on so tightly to me. Afterward she wouldn't let me near her, whether it's a hug or helping her with her hair. Her fits have also gotten out of control again. I often find her in tears or destroying something. Like today, she tried to cut her hair. Luckily I intercepted her before she did too much damage. The way she was holding the scissors she nearly took off a finger.” She looked down at her hands, twisting the cameo ring she wore around and around. “I haven't had the heart to reprimand her over anything she's done, but today I did."

"And?"

"And she wouldn't let me comfort or hold her afterwards like she has always done in the past."

He sighed. "It’s interesting that some experts argue over such things as discipline after a tragic event, but I believe that consistency is the key. If Emma expects a certain reproach from you after she's misbehaved, then you must follow through. Otherwise, she's apt to push the limits and test you harder to get a response." Archie crossed his ankles, smoothing out the wrinkles in his slacks. “Have you considered that maybe that is what she is trying to do in some way?”

"Perhaps.” Regina admitted. “I understand that could be the case. It just seems though that everything I've worked for with her is dissolving. We have always been able to talk, that's how we work through her feelings. That has been our crutch in dealing with her emotions and outbursts.” A crutch that was no longer there and for the reason she stopped herself, then knowing in her heart that she had not been trying hard enough with Emma.

Or rather, in the hard way that needed doing. Hard at first for both of them, but once Emma’s wall came down she knew they could get somewhere. Together.

The reality of the raw pain needed to be drawn out. Mostly, Emma needed to voice it and acknowledge those feelings. ' _Words have power'_ Regina always insisted with Emma and now she faced the harrowing task of proving it. She understood more clearly now how to help her niece and breathed visibly easier as the knowledge settled.

"Words are a wonderful thing, and I urge you to keep talking to her. Eventually, she will start to open up to you and your expectation that she do so is part of the key. Meantime treat her as you always have, don't change anything. What she needs right now is structure, stability, and to be able to count on you to be consistent. Keep mealtimes, bedtime, follow through on rules and schedule the same." The doctor explained, turning in his chair to glance at his notes before continuing. "Besides Emma, how are you feeling?"

Regina sighed deeply, running a hand through her loose curls considering her own emotions, but was not so ready to give too many more of them away to him. She had a feeling Emma would draw on plenty of them later. "I have my own outlets for grieving through my journaling and my friends. My main concern is for Emma."

"I understand that Regina, but in keeping her best interests you have to put your own first. Make sure you eat well, get lots of rest, and work some 'you' time into the schedule, alright?"

Regina smiled softly considering his words. Finally she nodded, not used to being advised of her own health. Shaking Archie's hand, she stood to leave.

"If you have any other questions or concerns, please call me. Otherwise, I'd like to see her same time next week."

"Thank you." And she hesitated in leaving. “There is one more thing I have had on my mind. I have been meaning to speak with you for a while now, but with everything going on…” Regina began to explain her growing concerns over Emma’s shyness, lack of growth in social skills and the frequency of certain behaviors.

Archie listened, eventually reaching for his note pad and jotting down the list. Some of the information was not new, some if it was and in the pattern he began to see on paper he took off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. “I can set up an appointment with a specialist. A colleague of mine, Dr. Kathryn Nolan, here who works specifically with children who have similar behaviors as Emma.” He glanced at his notes and rubbed his head. “I don’t know why I did not make the connection before, but what you are describing now with what I already know I think Emma could really benefit from seeing her. She may want to run some tests to conduct some observations to confirm or rule out some things.”

Regina adjusted her purse and crossed her arms. “Tests for what?”

“Possibly to confirm or rule out that Emma is or is not on the spectrum in some way.” Archie went back and forth between brown eyes. “May I set up an appointment for you? It may be a several weeks until she has an opening, but Dr. Nolan is the best this area of expertise and worth the initial wait. If Emma is diagnosed she would see through Emma’s care.”

Chewing the inside of her cheek, Regina nodded. She did not know a lot about spectrum disorders and knew she would be doing some heavy reading and research of her own between now and the initial appointment. She trusted Archie and he seemed to trust this Dr. Nolan.

With that said and done Regina thanked him again and left his office. Her eyes found Emma who sat huddled on the waiting room chair as she approached. Since the suicide there had been a strained energy between them. Each of them was suffering in a diverse, complicated way. The tight barrier began to fade as they stared at one another, Regina in particular with a new found respect for Emma’s chosen method of coping.

Emma sensed a shift in her aunt’s demeanor; and to her the woman seemed more herself now than she had been in a long while. Proof was in the hand that moved.

As she normally would, Regina held out her hand expectantly not saying anything. That seemed to be important and Emma seemed to consider it for a very long moment before easing up and reaching out, allowing their hands to join. The woman rubbed her thumb against the softness of Emma's skin having sorely missed its willing touch, her lips curved into a bit of a grin as she led the child out the swinging door. It was a small, yet intimate beginning.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The many keys jingled about the gold lock and one turned the bolt open with a rush of warm air. Regina guided Emma forward and into their home. The girl fumbled with the buttons on her red sweater easing the fabric off her shoulders as her aunt locked the door. Emma gave a small hop to hang it up on a hook in the closet before spinning on her toes to get away from the words she sensed were coming.

"Not so fast, sweetheart. You and I need to have a talk."

Emma hesitated in her step a moment long enough for her aunt to scoop her up about her middle. The woman carried her easily over to the couch where Emma ended up sitting on a lap. The girl refused to look up and instead kicked her shoes into the sofa, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. Regina reached down and slipped off her shoes and Emma stared at her socks crossing one over the other.

"After my conversation with Dr. Hopper I realized that I haven't been as direct with you as I should have been. I know that you are upset about your mother and with me. I want to know exactly how you feel. I want your feelings Emma, whatever they are."

The girl listened still and quiet. At her aunt’s expectant pause for a response Emma began to twist herself off Regina's lap answering her waiting audience with silence. The woman held her fast.

"No, no. You may not run from this. You've been running and hiding enough.”

Emma grunted as she tried again to wiggle away, but her aunt was not letting go this time.

“I want to help you stop fighting. Baby, you must be so tired of fighting yourself and me.”

At how easily she was read, green storms began to thunder.

“It's okay to feel it sweetheart. It's real and it hurts a whole lot, but it's okay to-"

"Leave me alone!" Emma shouted her face beginning to turn pink with effort. She yanked herself away off that lap, but not going far as she huddled down on the floor by the couch, wrapping her arms around herself trying to disappear into the throw rug.

Regina froze for a moment, shocked to hear Emma's voice so clearly after so much silence. That anger needed to be milked out and the woman quickly composed herself to face the task. She leaned forward, not letting the beginning of a fit deter her. Instead of waiting the storm out like she had been doing she chose to meet the thunder and lightning head on.

"I will not. There are things you need to say. You're very angry with me and that's okay—"

"Shut up!" With her hands over her ears Emma lay back on the floor while kicking at Regina's legs with her socked feet to go away.

Not discouraged the woman knelt down and wrapped her arms in a bear hug around her struggling niece locking flailing arms to sides and brought her mouth to a little ear to speak. Calm and cool as Emma needed her to be. “I will not allow you to hurt yourself or continue to be violent and destructive. I’ve got you Emma. It’s going to be okay. As for telling me to _shut up,_ we do not use those words to each other. Do you understand?”

Emma gave pause for a long moment as if considering her words, but then kept on as if nothing had been said. If she backed down now Regina didn't know how long it would be before Emma spoke to her again. It had been too long; too much time gone that their voices carrying on together had begun to sound unreal. Both of them had been needlessly suffering through this overwhelming grief alone. Regina had let this child out of her reach for too long and its effect kept rearing its hideous head with Emma constantly being out of control. It was time to end it.

"No!” Still yelling the girl continued to fight the part of herself that wanted to give in.

Regina pulled Emma closer patiently waiting for her niece's exhaustion. In response Emma kept on twisting and kicking. At this point the woman quickly shifted the girl onto her stomach on the floor in a safer position; one she had been taught many years ago to safely control Emma in one of her frequent fits. Soon enough from pure spent adrenaline Emma's body went limp. At the shift Regina promptly loosened her grip and eased the girl onto her back to help her regain a normal pattern of breathing. Emma's chest heaved as her eyes met Regina's mouth studying it to see if she would be left alone.

And she was not left alone.

"Talk to me Emma. I refuse to allow you to act like this and keep push me away.” Regina continued the conversation they needed to have a bit out of breath, but still with an unyielding tone.

Any distraction Emma had been trying to create had failed. Upon this realization Emma started once again to shriek, but she had given up the physical fight.

Wordlessly Regina managed to stand up with Emma in tow and headed for the kitchen. There she pulled a high backed stool from the island over to a bare corner and set it facing the room.

Emma, meanwhile tried to liberate her hand, which her aunt still had a hold of.

Regina eyed her for a moment, watching as the girl's efforts and how the intensity of that hurting focus resided in the fight for control. She needed to help Emma regain control, but to do that it was time for Emma to raise the white flag to how things worked between them. She pulled Emma close before giving her niece a firm pat to a skirt causing the shrill whine to be interrupted with surprise. With the girl in still silence, Regina was able to easily lift Emma up onto the stool. Leaning down, she braced both of her hands on the stool on either side of Emma, their eyes meeting inches apart.

"Now that I have your full attention here is what's going to happen. When you feel like your emotions are too big to control like now and you have a fit you will come here to the quiet corner to help you calm down. If you need me to help you with that I will. This is not a punishment. It's only meant to help you sweetheart. I want you to know that nothing you do or feel is ever too big for me to handle, alright?" Regina shifted her eyes back and forth between Emma's searching for some kind of understanding.

There was a long silence. Finally, Emma parted her lips and began her grunting again, but with much less vigor than she had been. It came out in low rumbles.

Regina nodded her head and stepped back. "You’re not ready to speak, that's fine for the moment. You will stay put until you are calm and are able to communicate to me without yelling or screaming." Turning, she went over to the fridge and began to pull out the makings for dinner. She ignored the constant stream of grunts and whines in the background as she prepared dinner.

Twenty minutes later, while Regina set the table Emma finally began to quiet down. Emma's face was damp with sweat. Her throat sore and dry she eyed a cold glass of apple juice set at her place at the table. Its temptation was too great and wiping her eyes, she started to ease herself off the stool.

"Are you finished calming down?" Regina asked not looking up from the bundle of silverware in her hand as she continued to set the table.

The girl bit her lip and grunted as she slowly made her way over. Regina put down the utensils and moved to lift her up under arms and deposited her back onto the stool. Tired and thirsty now Emma tried to slip down and around her aunt once more.

But Regina held kindly firm. "I asked you a question sweetheart and I do not know if you understand me. Are you finished calming down?"

Emma whined rubbing her eyes and sank back against the stool.

Regina went to the sink for a moment and returned with a damp cloth and a cup of water. She handed the cup to Emma who gulped it down. Setting the cup aside after, she gently wiped at Emma’s face, grateful the child was letting her. In this tender affection she began to explain. "I can't understand you when you grunt or whine like that. I want very much to be able to, but you have to help. You're allowed to get up when you are ready to nod or shake your head or use your words to answer me." Regina said and left the girl staring after her as she finished placing the cloth napkins. She felt as if she had been speaking to a very small child and in a way she had been. Emma had reverted to old coping behaviors she had not seen displayed in three years. Weary memories of the first six months together were seeping into the present moment making the woman feel drained and emotionally spent.

A long pause later a small whisper came from the corner, "I'm done Aunt Regina."

It took Regina's entire self discipline not to rush over to Emma and hug her. Those small words had been the first willing part of a response the woman had heard in a month. And as miraculous as it was to hear that voice again this way, Regina knew her over attention to it would give the wrong message to Emma's prolonged silence. Still not looking at her niece, she carried two plates of chicken and asparagus over to the table.

"Then you may get up and come to the table for dinner."

Emma made her way over and pulled out her chair with a small squeak on the tile. She scooted in and drank half her glass of apple juice right down. Despite the breakthrough they ate in silence; Emma mainly from hunger and Regina in wonderment of her next move.

After several fast bites of food Emma set her fork down. She fiddled with hemmed edge of the napkin in her lap as her stomach churned her meal making her feel slightly nauseated from eating too fast. She felt a lot of things she thought she might be ready to say and so she tried to start simple. Simple as Regina had taught her to do.

"I'm sad she’s gone." Emma's voice broke in between the pieces of her hurt as she tried expressing herself for the first time since that awful night. "Even with all the stuff she did to me, I still loved her.” Then needing to know the answer to the burning question sitting in her throat. “Is that wrong?"

"No baby. Love is never wrong."

"She couldn't give it back though. I wish she could’ve, and then I could've had you both." The child's words came out as a complaint.

Validating. "It sounds like you want that thought to be real very much."

Emma nodded, not looking up from her hands, "That's why it’s all messed up. It's only a thought. It's not real and I hate that." She lifted her gaze settling it on her aunt's full lips. As she next spoke, she gained courage to ease her eyes upward. "I'm mad at you."

Regina swallowed hard setting down her fork. "I know, sweetheart." She didn't make any attempt to defend herself. She just sat still and quiet opening her heart to anything Emma had to say.

"If you hadn't told on her to the police she'd still be here. She wouldn't have killed herself." Emma's words were strained and in pieces she began to take this broken feeling apart. "She should be here. She should be making me dinner. She should be calling me sweetheart. Not you."

Regina's eyes glassed and she fought herself not to take Emma's words personally for they were not personal in _that_ way but very matter of fact in another and exactly the loss Emma felt. "I'm hearing that you are angry with me, that you feel I caused your mother to make the decision to end her life." Her tone was not questioning, but then she needed to ask one. "Do you remember me telling you that there were choices I would have to make for you? That whatever I did was because of my love for you?"

Emma nodded wearily.

Regina licked her lips, trying to find the right words, "The decision to have your mother arrested was one of those choices and I did it for a few different reasons. Number one being your safety. I was worried she was going to try and hurt you in some way or take you. I also wanted to have some people, good people, to try and help your mother feel better. She was very sick and she was not in a healthy mindset where she was willing to get help and when she had the chance to, she chose differently."

"It's not fair. She should be here.” Tears fell down pink cheeks.

“No it’s not fair. Not at all, Emma.” Regina stood and made her way over. Like always when Emma broke open this way she traded places, sitting in the child's spot and lifting the girl up on her lap. She held the crying little one to her chest, rocking slowly. "Yes, she _should_ be here. You _should_ have your mother and I would do anything to give you that.” And she would if it meant Emma’s happiness. Regina had only one thing to give though and she hoped it would be enough. “I am here for you baby in whatever way you can accept me to be. I'm here right now and I am not going anywhere."

Emma clung tight to those words and the heart under her ear as she continued to cry herself out. Regina held her humming quietly under breath. The small consoling vibrations broke the rest of the wall she had been holding up. With a sniffle Emma pulled her face from her aunt's sweater noting a wet spot had soaked in the cashmere turning a soft green to a dark emerald. Her tears shed in such pain and sorrow remained engaged to Regina's chest next to a heart. "I’m sorry. I don't hate you. I'm sorry." As she apologized again and again, a cramped spot in her spirit ached to be forgiven.

"I know. I know sweetheart.” Regina assured softly tucking tangled curls behind the little ears as she leaned in to kiss Emma's cheek. “I'm sorry, too."

For exactly what Regina did not say. Emma had returned to her and from that moment in their relationship something shifted, taking root in a new deeper connection. Regina knew Zelena's death would remain a slow to heal wound but no salt would be added to worsen the fresh sting. Enough of the sharp white crystals had been spilled. It was time to toss it all over their shoulders.

Emma hugged Regina hard about the neck, pressing her nose into a soft cheek inhaling the scent of her aunt’s perfume. And again deeper. “I missed you.”

“I missed you so much baby.” Regina held tight and kissed with each word. “So, so much.” She sat Emma back, cupping that sweet face, her thumbs wiping at the last few tears. Their eyes locked soaking in the love of understanding passing silently between them. To Regina's marvel, she saw a piece of her little sister looking back at her then through Emma. The same trust and bond that had connected the siblings when they had been just small children saturated the moment.

She hadn't been able to save Zelena, but here in this child, _her child_ Regina realized, was her sister’s lost innocence. In Emma she had found something more than good and a piece of her heart she did not know needed filling was beginning to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – And their mending begins.
> 
> Next time – Another person from Regina’s past comes knocking in the most unexpected of places. Emma needs to ask an important question and works to find just the right words to do so.


	9. The Daughter

**Chapter 9 - The Daughter**

Rows of rings and bracelets made of gold and precious stones, along with smooth milky pearls filled the velvet lined drawer of Regina’s vanity. Some had been gifts, and one handed down from her grandmother, but many had been bought on her own. Regina selected a pair of black pearl earrings deciding to wear those today with her hair pulled up off of her neck. As Regina fastened the backings she caught her niece's reflection in the vanity mirror. Emma watched her intently as she moved to open the cap of her mauve lipstick and proceeded to gently dab her full mouth with color.

Emma's mouth formed a perfect '0' in her mindless mimic of Regina as her legs swung off the side of the high sleigh bed. She thought her aunt was beautiful without make up and liked the days when Regina forwent any. Those rare days were relaxed days when they had nowhere to be, no one to see, and nothing that needed doing.

"You're quiet this morning, baby.”

Caught off guard Emma quickly closed her mouth and looked down at the carpet trying to count the tiny fibers with her eyes. Looking for something to say Emma asked what she had been wondering earlier. “What’s that ring with the lady’s face on it?”

Regina followed Emma’s pointing finger to the drawer and reached in to pull out the gold cameo ring she wore frequently. “This was my grandmother’s.”

“Ma’s Mother?”

“No, not your Grandmother Cora.” Regina frowned at the thought and felt her chest tighten. “I’m referring to your Great Grandmother.”

“Oh.” Emma’s nose wrinkled. The ring must be older than she thought. It was pretty in that same way. Old and mysterious. She wondered who the lady’s profile was of and waited for her aunt to explain, but no further details were forth coming. That red mouth was closed firm to memory and Emma knew that asking would only make that mouth sad so she said nothing, but should have known better that that was not an option in their home.

“Is anything wrong baby?"

"No... Yeah... I guess. Okay maybe."

Regina chuckled at the cute indecision and capped her lipstick, tossing the tube in her purse before running her fingers through her hair working the strands into the beginnings of a twist. "Do you want to talk about it?" Usually when Emma was this way, pensive and quietly close, there was the unsaid that needed to be. That usually resulted in one of their needed heart to hearts.

"Are you still gonna’ go to that conference at the clinic tonight?" Emma's reflection asked changing the subject.

"Yes. Ashley will be by later to watch you." Regina held the twist with one hand as she fumbled a hairpin with the other, not buying Emma evasion of her question. "Emma, is there something you need to tell me?"

"Yes." Emma honestly blurted, keeping her head low she peeked at Regina through her lashes.

"Well?"

"I'm not ready to tell you yet." The young girl stopped swinging her legs and flopped backwards on the comforter, her long hair fanning out all around her in a golden halo.

"It can't be that bad sweetheart. You can tell me anything."

"I know. It’s not, but it is sorta’ a big deal. I don't know how to say it yet." When she did it needed to be perfect. Just right. Emma needed these words to be _right_.

Regina turned to look at her niece deciding whether or not to push the subject for the moment or let it rest. At least Emma was being honest about there being something that needed to be said and for that alone Regina wanted to let the subject drop. Still, concerned she tried coaxing once more. "I wish you'd tell me that way we can clear the air for the day ahead. We'll talk about it and fix whatever it is together."

"It's not what you think.” Emma tried to explain.

Regina nodded, not so sure though and decided to remind Emma. "Tell you what, if has anything to do with school, I would very much like to know before the end of the day. Otherwise, you may take your time, but I'd much prefer to hear whatever it is from you rather than someone else. You know my rule on that."

"I know." Emma nodded, mumbling as she sat up. With a huff, she slid off of the bed and went over to Regina's side, wrapping her arms around her aunt's neck and kissing her cheek.

Regina eyed the somber little face in the mirror as her hand reached up the rub the back of Emma’s head, moving to trail her knuckles along a cheek. "Whatever it is, it's okay to tell me baby." She felt Emma's arms squeeze once more in answer before letting go and disappearing out the bedroom door.

 

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"There you are, almost ready?" Regina asked, kissing the top of her niece's head from behind before going over to the desk nook by the kitchen counter to load up her briefcase for the day.

"Yeah, can I bring my markers and notebook to draw with?" Emma asked, slipping down from her perch on the stool by the island and walking around it to stand next to Regina. She bounced a bit on her feet.

It was Friday, _the Friday_ , she had been looking forward to all month, _Take Your Daughter to Work Day_. Her aunt usually spent Fridays at the free children's clinic volunteering services as the leading physician and today Emma would get to accompany her, at least for part of the day. Other doctors and nurse staff were bringing their daughters as well and a tour, luncheon, and art project had been arranged for all the children coming. All that aside she had been waiting for this day to come for another reason too. She liked it when they were out and people assumed they were in fact mother and daughter. Having a day dedicated to that _specialness_ made Emma’s heart swell. Needless to say she was very excited.

"You may, but I want you to work on your homework first before all of the activities get started. If you have time afterward then you may draw." Regina confirmed, as she placed a container of chopped fruit, Emma's snack, among medical paperwork.

"Aunnnnnt Regina can't I do it later? It's only a paragraph I have to write." Emma tried to smile her most winning grin showing the single dimple in her right cheek.

Raising a brow. “It’s more than a paragraph. I checked your homework log and you'll be doing a one page book report in your best handwriting. I'll check it over later with you tonight. Besides, you will want your homework out of the way before the weekend. I was thinking we could go to a movie and lunch at Granny’s tomorrow.” That got a big grin from Emma. Then more softly reminding. “There is also your appointment with Dr. Nolan before that." The specialist Dr. Hopper recommended for testing finally had an opening after several weeks and she had taken the first appointment offered.

A forehead wrinkled as anxiety began to set in. “I don’t want to go to the doctor. Why can I just see you like always?”

Regina reached to tuck a stray curl behind Emma’s ear. “It’s not that type of doctor baby. We talked about this a few weeks ago. Dr. Nolan is a little like Dr. Hopper. She will ask you some questions and set up a time to come see you at school.”

Emma remembered now some worry began leaving. They had talked about it. A lot. Especially after she had thrown a fit and had a time out over the idea. More like several quiet minutes sitting on a lap while her aunt held her. “I still don’t want to.”

“I hear you Emma, but sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do because they are good for us.” Explaining as the girl pulled away from her touch. “Remember how we talked about choices and how sometimes I make certain ones for you because I love you?”

One nod.

“This is like that.”

“I don’t care. I’m not going.” But Emma did care very much about the way the eyes on her wrinkled at the corners and the frown deepening on red lips. She did not like doctors except her aunt; the ones who poked her with needles or poked in her thoughts. She already had Dr. Hopper. He was nice, she guessed, but she did not understand how another doctor was supposed to help.

“I hear your frustration, and we may speak more on it later so you can keep getting used to the idea and I’ll answer any questions you have. But we are going. That is not one the things that is your choice.” Firm in her finish, though she more than understood where the upset came from.

Emma frowned placing her elbows on the tiled counter at the idea and dropped her chin on her balled fists. She could tell her pouting was not to her aunt’s liking, but she was understood and her feelings heard. That made her let the idea go for now as the snaps closed on a black leather briefcase. Emma listened to the clicking of her aunt's high heels as she watched the woman leave her to think.

 

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The tall glass door marked with the clinic’s insignia flashed from the sun's gleam as they entered. Emma adjusted her purple backpack full of art supplies and unfortunately her homework as she quickened her step to keep up with her aunt’s stride. Emma was intrigued as well as intimidated by all of the people bustling about the cool sterile halls. All over, the walls were decorated with children's drawings, posters, and bright colors of red, purple and yellow.

Nurses and doctors in white lab coats hurried past them. Some with their arms full of files and others assisting patients or their families. Emma hated crowds and reached for Regina's hand instinctively. Her aunt acknowledged her discomfort with a gentle squeeze, as Regina greeted fellow colleague’s with a nod and a smile as they passed.

Emma looked over and up. It seemed that her aunt had a presence and beauty that made men and women pause to look as she passed; like the Queens she read about in her fantasy books. Dressed in a black knee length pencil skirt with a laced cream blouse accented with a silver chain belt and closed toed pointed heels Regina appeared every bit the professional. Then her eyes travels back down to her Converse. Emma vowed one day to dare attempt such fashion like that, but seriously doubted her efforts would even come close to her aunt’s very much at all.

The thought left her as they approached Regina's office, a small but tidy space that fit a desk along with a bookcase and a set of chairs among a small fridge and water cooler in the corner. Emma set down her things as her aunt opened the blinds allowing sunlight to brighten the cramped space. She had asked once why the offices were so different and Regina had explained that being a free public clinic, resources were limited along with space. Emma much preferred her aunt’s other office downtown.

"I have to make my rounds.” Regina began while putting on her white doctor's coat and adjusting her stethoscope around her neck. “While I do that you go ahead and get started on your homework. It’s still a few hours before everyone will be gathering for the tour so I'll be back to check on you in a bit.”

"Kay—but will you keep the door open? It's hot in here." Emma said rolling up the sleeves of her purple shirt.

Regina nodded giving a quick kiss to the top of Emma’s head, leaving the door ajar as she exited into the busy hallway. Quite reluctantly, Emma sat with her back toward the door and pulled out her notebook and pencil box to begin her book report for _Where the Red Fern Grows_.

 

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"Hey Regina, it's good to have you back!"

"Hello Jasmine, it’s good to see you too. What did I miss?" Regina asked her colleague at the nurse’s station. She shifted quickly through the charts in her box, skimming the labels for updates on her assigned cases as Jasmine gave her the run down on patients she had delegated temporarily the last several weeks in her absence.

Dr. Shirin shook her head as she finished up. "Not much else though. Some of the nurses caught that flu bug last week and we've been understaffed along with the usual patient overflow, but just the usual stuff." The young woman stopped as she registered a pained look flash across Regina’s features.

"You should have called me. I kept my work phone on for a reason." Regina insisted while taking a heavy stack of paperwork in her arms. She sighed as she let her thumb run along the stacks thick colorful side.

"And interrupt your home situation with your kid, I think not Regina. We handled it like we always do when one of us has to step away. You have done more than your fair share around here the last several years. It’s someone else’s turn to support you.” She smiled and rested a hand on Regina’s shoulder. “I am glad you’re back, however. How are you? How's Emma doing? Is there anything you need?" Jasmine tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear as she met the shielded gaze.

This personal confrontation was what Regina had been dreading. The questions, the excuses, and explanations she wasn't ready for. She was not ready to be this person, this hurting person whose sister took her life, leaving her with a grieving child.

Not yet.

"Fine. We’re fine thank you." The sour taste of a half truth left her mouth dry as she forced a smile to her full lips, "Emma's back in school and I'm here. Look Jasmine I appreciate your concern, but I'd just prefer not to talk about it, okay?"

Large brown eyes softened with understanding. "Sure thing, just know that if you need anything we’re all here for you."

Regina smiled tightly and nodded once before hugging the charts to her chest. Already people were looking at her differently. With sympathy and compassion. Sympathy she could handle, but compassion; that was not something she handled well because of what it meant. She was not used to help, found it difficult to accept from others. It made her feel vulnerable and right now that was a feeling she did not think she could handle. Turning sharply on her heel, Regina headed toward her first patient of the day with a tight heat pushing behind her eyes.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"Ugh." Emma scowled as the tip broke on her second pencil. She was having difficulty concentrating with the fun filled day ahead of her. Glancing around her aunt's desk for another pencil and seeing nothing but pens, she stood and wandered out into the hall. Directly across from the office was the nurse call station and a small waiting area for patients and their families. It was early yet, so there were only a few people waiting; a boy and his father, a pregnant teenage girl and an older woman who seemed startled when Emma had come out of the office. She tried to smile a bit having seen other people do that when being looked at, but she was uncomfortable with those blue eyes on her. More insistent but polite she worked to get the attention of the registered nurse behind the counter.

"Do you have any pencils I could borrow please…” Looking at the name tag. “Ms. Ratchet? I'm trying to do my homework and my tips broke." Emma used her best mannered voice to lure the woman's eyes from the pile of charts in front of her.

"I have something better." The thin woman in blue scrubs leaned down to dig around in her purse for a moment and produced a bright yellow dinosaur pencil sharpener.

Emma’s brow scrunched at the oddity of such an item being in this grown woman's handbag. The nurse smiled at her though.

"It's my daughter’s. She's coming here later today for the tour and activities. I guess you tagged along with your Aunt Regina for that, too?”

Emma further relaxed when she realized this woman knew her aunt. "Yeah, but I have to finish my homework first."

"As you should, but let me know if you need anything else."

"Thanks Ms. Ratchet." Emma took the offered sharpener and turned to go back into the office just as the older woman sitting in the waiting area hurried towards her. The lady was dressed impeccably and moved with the air of someone who was used to getting what was wanted. She thought maybe it was another person who her aunt worked with and so she paused in wait.

"Your name is Emma West."

Startled Emma stepped back, her red Converse squeaking on the linoleum. Her eyes took in this tall, thin woman with curling red hair wondering how she knew her old name.

Ms. Ratchet noted Emma's reaction to this woman and stood up from her swivel chair. "Can I help you with something Ms…?"

"I spoke to _you_ young miss. That is your name, is it not?" The red haired woman ignored the nurse’s question, her cat like blue eyes locked on Emma's.

The young girl wracked her memory; the voice, the Boston accent, the sharpness of that down turned mouth. Her throat closed as the memories came rushing back. Ones she had forgotten about in their fogginess and she was unable to speak.

"You need to step back, please—" Ms. Ratchet began to interject on behalf of Emma.

Annoyed the woman scoffed and tapped the cane she had twice on the floor with authority. "Nonsense, she knows me. Don’t you Emma?” The child nodded once after a long moment. Taking a step forward she lifted Emma’s chin looking right into green eyes seeing recognition. “I'm her Grandmother."

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"How's the homework coming along Emma?" Regina asked as she peered into the office to check on her niece before heading back to file her finished paperwork. She was a startled, not seeing her child, noting the unfinished papers on the desk with Emma's handwriting.

"Dr. Mills?"

Regina turned at the sound of a familiar voice. "Ms. Ratchet, have you seen my niece?" She asked, crossing the hallway to stand next to the counter.

"I thought she told you where they were going. Your mother, I mean. She said she'd left you a message on your cell that she had Emma. Your niece seemed surprised at first, but okay with it. They left about fifteen minutes ago."

Regina felt as if she had been slapped. The heavy words registered and she dropped the stack of files on the counter. "What? That's not…” Her mind was spinning and for a moment she felt sick. She braced her hands on the countertop taking a deep breath. “Where?”

"Your mother said something about an ice-cream sundae. Maybe they went to the cafeteria, or around the corner for a treat. Is there something wrong? You seem really upset." Those concerned words fell on deaf ears as Regina broke into a sprint to the elevator.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"How come you’re here now, but not before? I mean..." Emma stumbled over her words. Not quite knowing where to begin, she took another big bite of vanilla ice-cream, letting the heavy cream coat her dry throat. Wiggling to get comfortable in the hard plastic chair in the clinic café she stared at the mouth of the woman across from her. She had been curious at her Grandmother’s appearance after so many years and the promise of ice-cream and maybe some more information about her Aunt’s past was enough to get her to agree to a conversation.

"You look so much like your mother—" Cora reached to run her fingers through Emma’s long curls. The child pulled back from her touch and she stopped, realizing the girl's eyes misted with tears that did not fall.

It was still a very raw and sore subject for Emma, but she found herself unable to resist an opportunity to learn more about a past not spoken of. This was also a woman who she barely remembered having occasionally sent gifts and birthday cards with one visit during a rare holiday when her mother had been sober. That had been the best Christmas she could remember before living with her aunt. There had been food, lots of it and she had gotten a present too. Her mother was nice that day. The adults had fought though. A lot. And after a few hours her Grandmother had left and her mother took a bottle and locked herself in the bedroom. Emma had not seen her Grandmother since.

"I have tried for years to locate you, especially when I learned Regina had you. Your mother wasn't the best at forwarding addresses and you two were always on the move. And Regina likes her privacy, it seems.”

Beginning to get a knot in her tummy Emma repeated her earlier question. “But I’ve been with Aunt Regina for a long time. How come you didn’t come before now?”

Cora quirked a brow. Smart this girl was. She needed to be careful. “It seems Regina didn't want me to find you my dear. I had no idea you were in Arizona. I flew in from Boston last night to visit an old friend who was kind enough to have noted my darling daughter's picture in the newspaper a few weeks back, in that article about naturopathy and well, here I am."

Emma remembered the article and her aunt’s excitement over the reference, but her aunt had been displeased with the picture. She had not been sure of why, but maybe now thought she understood.

Cora smiled and reached out again toward Emma, caressing a cheek with her fingers.

The girl pulled back, not won over so easily. "I barely remember you. I mean I was just a little kid and everything was so crazy all the time. _She_ was crazy." Emma corrected herself referring to her mother, taking another bite of the sweet sugar and glancing around them. She drummed her toes into the floor in a restless way, now regretting going with this woman.

Sensing discomfort, Cora switched tactics, to begin asking the questions she really wanted answers too instead of small talk. “You must know of your aunt’s work quite a bit don’t you dear? She makes quite a good living now doesn’t she?”

Emma nodded unsure of where this was going. Her aunt never talked about money, but Emma knew they had plenty of food and clothes in the house. She even had an allowance, so that must mean there was enough of it.

“How has her practice been going? Is she investing—“ Cora stopped abruptly as she saw a woman quickly approaching them.

Cora stood up in shock of finally seeing her daughter after fifteen long years. She last remembered Regina as an 18 year old young woman. In her eldest daughter’s eighteenth year everything changed. The day after graduation, one Cora had not attended; Regina had disappeared severing all contact with her. Shortly after her husband had died of a heart attack—and her upscale means of living died with him. The insurance money had not lasted as long as she thought it would. She had been left alone to try and raise Zelena. Out of both her daughters, Regina had had the most potential. A potential Cora needed to come through for her right now.

Their eyes locked across the cafe.

Regina’s heart stopped pounding for brief a moment at the sheer shock of seeing this woman, her mother, a part of her she had buried so long ago so close. They had had limited contact through the years, but nothing face to face and Regina had fought tooth and nail to keep it that way.

Until now.

"What is it?" Emma asked at her Grandmother’s loss for words. She spun around in her chair and swallowed hard. Brown eyes now on her and flashing with something she realized she might be in trouble.

Regina quickly went over the Emma's side of the table and pulled her under her arms to stand up. She turned the girl around by her shoulders to face her and hugged tightly. So tight and fierce and glad Emma was in her arms that she finally found her voice. "Don't you ever go with someone you don't know, I had no idea where you were.” Pulling back she leaned down so their eyes were level. “You scared me Emma. Feel my heart, it is racing." Regina quickly took Emma's hand and placed it to her chest.

Emma nodded and apologized profusely as Regina hugged her once again.

"And you..." Regina released Emma and guided the girl behind her, fighting the welling anger inside so she wouldn't make a scene. She swallowed it down along with the passion to rip the woman in front of her to shreds for disappearing with her child. "How dare you come in here and lure her away." Her voice was low and had an underlying tremble she remembered always being there whenever she had dared speak out of turn to her Mother. She took stock of the woman in front of her. The cane and limp too. Cora was softer about the eyes than Regina remembered but time apart had done nothing to change the rest of that sharp pinched face. Physically Cora appeared helpless enough, but on the inside Regina knew was a shrewd mind and a hard heart.

"I came to see you.” Carefully coy, Cora began as the little girl watched them. “I had an appointment, under a different name because I knew you wouldn't willingly see me. Imagine my delight when I saw my Granddaughter.” She took a step forward, forcing a smile. “You were wrong to keep her from me Regina. Zelena wouldn’t have wanted that.”

Emma looked between the adults and tugged on her aunt’s white coat as a hand squeezed her shoulder. “Aunt Regina, what’s she mean?”

Ignoring the question Regina stepped back in front of Emma and opened her mouth to counter that claim, but Cora beat her to it.

“I mean dear girl that your mother would have wanted you and I to have a relationship.” Then pacifying as her daughter’s face reddened. Too much ammo too soon, she pulled back. “I just want to talk Regina and I saw Emma in the hall and I knew it was her." Cora framed her defense.

Emma looked at her Grandmother’s eyes from behind Regina's protective stance. They were like ice. She did not have a word for the feeling they made her feel, but she wondered how someone could shift so drastically from one moment to the next. There was something different about the quality of her Grandmother’s tone; it changed from when it had just been them speaking. Like when some adults talked down to kids who they thought didn’t understand basic things. She had been spoken to like that a lot by her mother and to hear her Grandmother do the same made her stomach flip. It was too familiar and not in a good way. Instinctively Emma leaned in closer to her aunt.

"You have no business here with me or Emma” Then remembering she had the power. “I will not do this, not in front of these people, and not in front of Emma. I have nothing more to say to you."

"Aunt Regina I think she—" Emma tried to explain what had happened, but she promptly shut her mouth when she got ‘the look’.

"You and I will speak soon enough." Regina affirmed, before taking her niece's hand and turning toward the elevator.

" _Regina_ , don’t you walk away from me.”

Heels paused briefly at that prickly tone—a well conditioned response. But Regina pushed forward a moment later.

Louder. “After fifteen years you owe me one face to face talk Regina.” But her daughter’s heels kept moving and she played her final card. “Especially, since Zelena's suicide."

Those words reached right through Regina's ears and down into her heart to bite, halting her feet for a long moment. Emma looked from aunt's profile to back over her shoulder to that pinched face, seeing the shift once again in those blue eyes from hard to soft. Something wasn't right and it sent a chill to creep down her back, making her look back at her shoes.

"Emma I want you to go over by the elevator and wait for me. Stay right by the doors. I'll be there in a moment." Regina instructed and sent her niece off with a gentle nudge. With Emma out of ear shot Regina turned around and walked back over to her mother. "You didn’t even bother to come pay your respects at her funeral.” The way her mother’s eyes shifted made her sick. “I know you got my messages so it’s no use pretending. I owe you absolutely nothing. Her death is not my fault."

Scoffing. "Zelena called me from the prison telling me what you had done. I could have wrung your neck for it. You knew she had problems, that she was weak and—"

"She was not weak. She was hurting and needed—“

“You both were always so needy. Needy little girls who couldn’t appreciate how good you had it.”

“How good we…?” Regina shook her head in disbelief. Then closer she stepped, right into Cora’s personal space. “Good like the beatings he gave us with his belt? Or good like how he found excuses to touch us inappropriately? Which good was _good_ enough for you to stay in denial Mother about what Leopold did?”

“How dare you speak about him like that?” Cora’s hand moved to slap, but her wrist was caught by a quick hand.

“I dare because it is the _truth_.”

Cora yanked her wrist away from her daughter. “Leopold loved you both. He gave you everything you girls wanted.”

“No Mother, he gave you everything _you_ wanted.” Regina hissed through her teeth. “He abused us and you let it happen because it was easier for you to have the life you had always wanted and not to see him for the monster he was. I told you time and again how he treated us. You saw the marks, heard us crying and you ignored me or punished me for talking about it. Well I am not that little girl you can slap into silence anymore.”

And the following silence of truth was thick as it was deafening.

Regina swallowed the thick to break the open the rest that needed saying. “And as for Zelena…” Brown eyes filled with hurt flashed. Her mother nearly always had a tumbler of some drink in hand well before happy hour as they grew up. Cora had hid that addition almost as well as the one had to prescription pain killers, and the rage had only come out behind closed doors. “Who was her mother? I was just a child and you put her care in mine and punished me for her faults; you're still punishing me." Through the heat of the moment Regina found herself raising her voice and realized they were beginning to attract stares. Her surroundings registered and she shook her head. "I can't continue this." She said, turning to step away.

"I won't go away that easily Regina. You know that I will make a scene if I need to get your attention. Here, at your work or the house. Maybe even Emma’s school.” She had no idea where her daughter’s home or granddaughter’s school was, but it certainly got the focus she wanted.

At that threat Regina questioned just how much her mother knew about their life. Not wanting to risk any more upset, for Emma, she pursed her lips. "Fine. I will listen to why you came here for five minutes in my office, but on one condition; you don't look at or speak to Emma. She is off limits.”

Cora nodded in agreement and followed behind her daughter towards the elevators.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Through the glass and a crack in the cream blinds Regina watched as Emma tried to work on homework in the waiting room outside of her office. The child kept stopping and staring at nothing, no doubt anxious over what had happened. Pulling her concern away Regina refocused her gaze to the woman sitting across from her desk. Cora clutched a purse in lap and sat on the edge of the plastic chair gazing around the small office with disdain.

"I see you disapprove, as usual.” Not that it mattered, Regina mused. She had long stopped caring what her Mother thought of her.

“I imagined that based on how much prestige that writer in the paper credited you with that this clinic would be…” Her brows rose as she gave a delicate sniff. “More upscale.” She began to question just how successful her daughter really was and if it was worth the venture out here.

“What is it you want?"

Coy again because she could be Cora began. "To begin to get to know Emma. She's all I have left apparently."

Regina stood and rounded her desk to sit on the corner. Arms crossed. "You don't show up after fifteen years to my place of work wanting to see your grandchild. You had no idea she'd even be here today when you came. You want something from me. Out with it." There would be no more hiding, Regina decided.

"Just because I show an interest in Emma doesn't mean—"

Regina’s palm slapped the desk between them in frustration. "You are wasting my time. I don't know what lies you told Emma about your being here today, but I won't allow you near her, not ever. You knew where I have been and never once have you asked about Emma. The only time you made any effort to contact me was because you needed something; a prescription filled or money. So which is it today Mother?"

Cora's eyes narrowed to slits. Nothing left to hide behind she came out with it. “I need money. I am not able to have social security benefits for another year and I need something to live off of until then. I can't work, not with my leg the way it is." She tried for pity.

"Of course you do and I know the cane is nothing but a prop.” Seeing right through the act Regina rolled her eyes and sighed. She was so tired of her mother’s bull shit. Tired of the lies and this game between them and realized there might be a way to end it. Thinking her plan through and what she knew of the legal system and more importantly _who_ she knew, a small hint of a grin pushed up the corner of her mouth. “If I do this, give you money, you are to leave Emma and I alone for good. No more random letters, calls, or visits like this one. You will disappear." Despite her rapid speech her mind was calm and calculated. Regina had to sever this relationship once and for all. "Otherwise, I'll have to step in as your only living relative of means to support you. You say you have no money which means you must be in debt up to your ears.” Mother had never been careful with money.

Cora’s cheeks reddened with that truth.

“I am guessing debt collector’s are knocking on your door. Threatening to take away your home and cars and all the nice things you spent the insurance money on.”

“Careful Regina. I am sure your friends and colleagues would—“

“No Mother. It is you who needs to be careful.” For once she had the upper hand and she stood over her Mother wielding it. “You are in debt with no job, no money, a history of abusing prescription drugs and addiction. I could very easily go to court and petition to have you committed to rehab or even a care facility. I'm a doctor; I have many friends very high up in this industry and within law enforcement that would attest to your inability to care for yourself along with a lawyer who will back me 100%. So back to my offer; I will give you the money you need for a year in exchange for not ever hearing you again."

"You're threatening me?" A touch of uncertainty crossed Cora’s eyes.

"I don't make threats. I make promises." Regina assured and reached into her purse for her checkbook. She scribbled quickly and slid the check across the desk. Cora greedily snatched it up, her eyes registering the multiple zeros.

"I suppose this is adequate."

Regina watched Cora fold the check before stashing it in a purse. "There will never be another time. Remember my promise." Regina stood and nodded toward the door, a clear indication for Cora to take leave.

Cora stood, taking her time. "It seems Leopold was wrong after all.”

Shifting on her feet Regina couldn’t help but ask when she had never once heard her mother say anything negative about that man. “And what was that?”

Patting a purse Cora lifted her chin. “You are good for one thing.”

Stung and chiding herself for expecting anything less, Regina gestured to the door. “Goodbye Mother.”

 

::::::::::::::

 

Emma set her notebook and pencil on the chair, quickly standing up when the door to her aunt's office opened allowing her Grandmother to emerge. She stared, puzzled at why the woman heading toward the elevator was now carrying the cane instead of using it. More so at the fact that her Grandmother did not even glance at her. Emma looked at her aunt for a moment. Regina stood on the threshold of office doorway, leaning against it with arms crossed and a set frown.

"Grandma?"

It was a whisper, but the word rested heavily on the old woman's ears. Cora turned her head, eyeing the grandchild she would never see again as she stepped into the elevator. She glanced at her daughter to this young girl, a mesh of her two children and hardened her heart once again, not allowing the imploring word to register any affection. She had what she had come seeking, but as the door closed on them Cora began to wonder if she really did.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Back in her office with the door closed Regina paced the checkered floor, her heels clicking back and forth in front of her fidgeting niece as she scolded. "How could you leave with a stranger? My heart nearly stopped when I found you gone. You can't keep running off like that Emma." Pausing and shaking her head as her hands found her hips. Too many times this lesson had not been absorbed. She was done. “Not ever again.”

"I didn’t mean to like you said though." But she had for one compelling reason.

"Then give me one good reason not to take you right home and turn you over my knee." Even as she said these words Regina lost her resolve to do that for the jumble of emotions running through both their systems. Not getting an answer and realizing she had not been expecting one Regina seated herself across from her niece in a matching chair. A deep breath, then beckoning she reached out a hand palm up. Emma took it and she pulled the girl to stand in front of her. Close as she needed her little one to be she rested her hands on Emma’s arms.

"Aunt Reginnnaa….” Whispering the next few words for the look she was under for her whine. “She’s-"

And in the lack of understanding for the danger that had been the situation Regina interrupted. “A stranger. A stranger you went with for an ice-cream sundae. Where was your head young lady? I taught you what to do in a situation like that. You run away, yell for help and go to a trusted adult.” She knew she was being overprotective, maybe even a little dramatic, but for whom Emma had gone with and for all the times in the past her niece had gone missing she finally said one of her worst fears. “That is exactly how children are kidnapped, how they are found days later, dead in some field. That will not be you.” Regina stopped herself from elaborating further on her fears when Emma’s eyes went wide and wet. Her own grew glassy. “I’m disappointed in your choice today. That being said, you know better." She lectured and pulled Emma closer to lean against her thigh.

Emma pulled back but briefly, knowing what was coming.

"No, you do not get to fight me on this.” Regina confirmed. “You will stop fighting me period, Emma." And gave three firm swats to a jean covered backside.

The girl stilled at those words. Calm from expected follow through and the slight sting blooming caused tears to begin leaking down her cheeks. Emma had met her match. Regina was the only person in this world that knew her, that meant anything to her and yet she kept fighting this love, constantly pushing and observing for any signs that this connection, their relationship, would indeed hold true.

_'Why am I fighting her?’_ Emma wondered as her palms gripped her aunt's thigh for balance, wrinkling that perfectly ironed skirt. She was allowed a few quiet moments before her chin was lifted. Her eyes blurred. Blurting the statement burning in the back of her mouth. “But she’s my Grandma.”

"She is, but she is not a safe person for you to be around.”

“Why not?”

“It’s complicated and regardless of that, you don’t know her. You went with a stranger without so much as a question of what could have happened to you.” Regina’s hand rested on a behind for emphasis where she had corrected.

“I’m sorry though.”

Softening. “I can see that and even so, you need to understand that you don't get to make these types of choices Emma. Who you are allowed to be around is an adult decision and mine to make.”

Emma's shoulders shook as she let out a breath. More tears fell, not so much from the expected swats she had gotten, but for what they meant. Her hands were taken then and squeezed.

"Are you done fighting me Emma? Do you understand what I have said to you and why I said it?"

Brows joined as Emma licked her lips as she tried to understand her authority. Toes curled and uncurled within her shoes. She was relieved, yet angry at Regina for turning the old woman away. Just as she had been when her mother had shown up at their door at Christmas time so many months ago. Try as she might she couldn't wrap her head around the complexity of the situation as easily as Regina seemed to be able to. Her next words were bitter and loud in her upset for her lack of understanding. "But she's **not** a stranger, she's my Grandma."

"Do not take raise your voice to me Emma.” Beginning and then taking a breath and remembering her promise about sharing. Leaning forward Regina searched little eyes. “I know you want to know and understand everything. I know how frustrating it is for you when you don’t have all the information you want. The issue with your Grandmother goes way back to before you were born.” Another breath. “It is also very hard for me to talk about that time in my life because she allowed someone to hurt me and Zelena when we were young. Cora hurt me too and I don’t trust her to keep you safe or to have your best interest in mind. That is why I do not want you around her.”

That made Emma’s racing mind run right into a brick wall. She knew the weight that important word; of trust and how once broken it was hard to earn back again. Emma did not trust her mother when she had been young. Had not trusted her Grandmother today and yet in her need to understand the person she did trust above anyone else in the world she had gone with the old woman anyway. A mistake. Emma realized she'd have to keep trusting Regina to do what's best, like she did over the situation with her mother. Knowing that her aunt meant well, had always meant well, helped. But Emma needed affirmation to a swelling word in her heart. Needed it like air to breathe to fully let this matter and the one that had driven a wedge between them to begin with, go.

Seeing Emma deep in thought, Regina’s knuckles gently graced a fair cheek, drawing green eyes back to her own before taking back up Emma’s hand. “She is not a good person Emma and I will not have her around you. I have to make these choices for you. Everything I have done since you came to live with me has been because of my love for you. I need you to trust me baby and if…” her voice cracked in the middle as she brought their joined hands to her lips and kissed the back of Emma’s. “And if you don’t then we need to talk about why."

"I trust you. You’re my Mom.” There. Right there in the air between them hung the secret desire of her heart. She dipped her head to the side, wiped her wet cheek on her shoulder. "I've been trying to tell you.” Remembering to this morning when she had gotten tongue tied in Regina’s room and that promise filled look from brown eyes in the mirror; to make it all better if only she said what she needed. “I feel so confused inside. I don't know where I belong and I need you to tell me."

Regina's mouth dropped open. There was a simple answer resting on her lips, so damn simple and yet she was at a loss for words. She had often wondered if this moment with Emma would ever surface and she had pictured her response, yet she was frozen in the reality of it.

Emma slipped right into Regina's lap then, as her aunt's arms slid around her, "Cause' its okay if you want to be my Mom.” She assured snuggling into her favorite spot on Regina's shoulder under a chin, resting her head against the woman's heart. "I need to be yours."

The child's small hands fingered and toyed with Regina's rings until the woman pulled one hand away to lift Emma's chin. Those little eyes held such a yearning to be wanted, needed and loved. And in them Regina found the voice of her heart speaking. “You are my little girl Emma and you belong right here with me." She hugged Emma to her breast, tears rolling down her face.

"Mom?" The new affection felt right, _so_ right how she needed it to be as it came off her lips.

“I’m right here Emma.” Regina answered her daughter with a kiss to a wet pink cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Hope you liked this one.
> 
> Next time – Mother and daughter learn to work through a challenge in a new way after discovering Emma’s diagnosis. Emma finds out something she did not know about her Mom that raises a big question.


	10. The Doubt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – More insight into Regina’s past, a reveal about Emma, and a twist at the end. Happy reading.

  
**Chapter 10 – The** **Doubt**

Regina shifted, drawing her bare legs up to her chest as she exhaled deeply. The green silk sheet tangled around her limbs like a vine woven between the posts of a fence. Deep in her subconscious she heard a soft murmuring.

_"Mm…"_

The cool spring air coming through the bedroom window gave her skin a slight chill and she shivered involuntarily. She turned over onto her stomach. Fan of hair spread out on her pillow in her tossing gave her cheek a soft place to nest into.

_"Mmmm..."_

Regina's eyes cracked open, letting the quiet of the night register her partial conscious. A bleary eyed glance at her clock through some strands of hair covering her face revealed the ungodly hour. 12:32 AM, still six full hours before she'd have to get up for the day. With a soft groan of displeasure at having woken up, she pulled a pillow over her head.

_"Noooo!"_

The shrill scream slapped Regina awake like a bucket of ice water stinging with every drop. She bolted upright.

"Emma?" Regina called out, but was drowned out by another scream. She yanked the covers off and rushed out of bed. The shrieking grew more intense as she bounded out of her open door and into the dark hallway.

“ _Ma_ … _Nooo!"_

 _The wail coming from Emma’s room was heartbreaking and for the who referenced in that wail she cringed._ Regina pushed open the door all the way. Emma was huddled up in a ball against the headboard of the twin canopy. Tight little face was drained of color and mouth stuck in a grimace with eyes shut into tiny slits.

A night terror Regina was sure and that changed her response. She had learned to try and not wake Emma during these episodes, having found it was much harder to settle the girl afterwards. But she knew Emma would wake up soon enough on her own. The sheets were soaked with sweat and needed changing. She went over and sat on the edge of the bed, moving the knotted blanket away to give Emma’s cramped legs some room. Slowly over the next minute that small face began to relax and her daughter rolled over closer to her. Regina gently ran her hand through Emma’s hair, moving the plastered strands away from a forehead and cheeks stained with tears.

After several minutes, Emma's eyes cracked opened. Blurry green registered the familiar silhouette against her nightlight and the warm hand cupping her cheek. Grunting with heavy sleep she pressed into it closing her eyes again. Then she shivered and realized she was cold. Cold and wet her eyes snapped open and she jerked upright. Up as she was lifted up to sit on her Mom’s lap. There she began to relax, a whimper escaping as she shivered again. That only happened when she had a nightmare or night terror. The terror she never remembered, but she understood made her body react in certain ways. That unknown was what she was afraid of upon waking, but in these arms it was easier. Safer to feel these overwhelmingly heavy, unknown things.

"I'm here baby. You’re alright." Regina soothed right into the shell of an ear. Those familiar consoling vibrations seemed to further settle Emma. Regina turned the small body around and cradled rocking slowly back and forth. “You had a night terror.”

"I know.” Sniffling. “I mean I know because I don’t remember.” Emma corrected, rubbing her swollen eyes and snuggling closer.

"You’re safe and I've got you." Regina comforted, adjusting Emma on her lap so her arm wouldn't fall asleep. After a few more minutes of cuddling, Regina shifted to lift Emma off of her lap to stand. A through whine left a pink mouth. “I know baby, but I need to change these sheets and you need new pajamas.” She went to the dresser and retrieved a new T-shirt and panties. Then taking a hand, she led the way to the bathroom where she wet a cloth and wiped Emma’s face, neck and arms down. The cool cloth had a soothing effect and the girl began rocking on her feet. “Do you think you can change while I make up your bed?”

Emma’s brows knit in sleepy thought and she nodded reaching to pull her shirt off as her Mom left. A few minutes later she returned to her room just as her covers were being pulled back. Regina patted the bed and Emma shuffled over and crawled in to lie down. She yawned as the bed dipped beside her.

“Thanks, Aun—Mom.”

At the slip, Regina searched those deep green questions looking up at her as she thought about what the night terror must have been about with the way Emma had been calling out. She didn't want this shift in names to be a big deal. Since Emma had started calling her _Mom_ , the nightmares and terrors had been more frequent. And she wondered if it was a healthy shift of Emma's subconscious working out past issues, or if it was something else.

Since the adoption years ago she had promised herself that this gift of affection would be Emma’s decision when and if it ever happened. Now here, she began to ponder the adjustments their relationship might go through because of it. Emma was already going through so much, but things were beginning to calm down in their life. They were finding a rhythm to living again since the suicide and her Mother’s appearance last month in April. The new diagnosis from Dr. Nolan was also something that was settling in for both of them and they were adapting with some additions to their routine and way of doing things.

There was a lot Regina was learning about having a child with ASD—in Emma’s case, high-functioning autism. It made so much sense when the test results and observation notes came back. Emma lack of understanding social cues or difficult emotions and when stressed in a social setting how Emma would shut down. The fits over seemingly unimportant things were now understood for what they were—over stimulation and anxiety that hid behind what seemed like anger over something out of place or a misstep in routine. The very way Emma was devoted to routine and order now made sense.

It was a relief to finally understand her daughter’s needs more clearly. Regina spent a lot of time the last month defining structures with Emma. There was now a large calendar on Emma’s bedroom wall with their week laid out in advance. She made much more of an effort to explain what would happen during the day at breakfast or where they were going and why. This highly predictable routine along with plenty of patience and occupational therapy sessions with their weekly appointment with Dr. Hopper was beginning to make a difference.

Regina was grateful for the good days. There were certainly more of them then there had been, but with the way Emma was looking at her now and for the slip of title she needed to be sure Emma was sure; was ready. "You know, sweetheart if you have more feelings about calling me Mom, its okay to tell me about it. I know you love me like that and I love you like my daughter. I always have and I always will. A word doesn't change those feelings.” Regina explained, pushing a stray strand of curly hair off of Emma's face.

“It does so.” Maybe not her feelings, Emma thought, but it did change stuff. A lot of stuff even if she couldn’t say what all that stuff was yet. She was learning ways to say more of how she felt. So she tried to say something. “Don't say that M-o-m." Emma said, stretching the affectionate syllable with such conviction in the middle of a yawn.

"Okay baby. I’m sorry. As long as you’re—"

"I'm sure.” Emma interrupted an issue that wasn’t one, yawning again.

Regina nodded, bending to kiss a cheek. "Alright then, I love you baby. Sleep well." She stood to leave and stopped in the doorway looking back. She gazed at Emma who had now turned over again.

Overnight Regina had taken on something bigger than she had ever imagined herself to be. A huge part of her was ecstatic, feeling complete with her new title, the other part nagged at her strong sense of reality that this was the beginning of something. A shadow of doubt about her ability to be what Emma needed her to be hovered around her heart, unsettling her. It had always been there hiding. Sometimes she felt it on the tougher days, but now it was constantly present for the weight her new affection held.

And her history with this named doubt was not one that she could close a door to so easily. Not for the mistake she had nearly made long ago when she had almost given into it. She shook out her hands out, that memory wrapped her up way too tight as she left her daughter to sleep.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Emma bit her bottom lip as she fingered the gold and ivory ring while she stood in the downstairs half bath by the counter. The door was half open like always giving her the illusion of privacy. Looking closely, she gently traced the beautiful outline of an unknown woman's profile with her nail as she thought about the day.

The Cameo ring she held in her hands was well over a hundred years old and a valuable piece that belonged safely tucked away in the drawer of her Mom’s vanity. Emma turned the ring, watching as the light caught the gold here and there, giving the piece a glittering quality.

She had shut herself away in here after coming home from school trying to figure out her next step when her Mom had went upstairs to put things away. Emma was sure earlier that day that she'd have the best show and tell for her class's recent History lesson about art in ancient Roman culture. Her teacher, Ms. Blanchard, was also friends with her Mom and had been especially glad that Emma had gotten 'permission' to bring such an example of the art style in to share with the class. That’s when Emma realized she should have asked permission.

 _‘No, it was before then,_ ’ Emma thought. This morning when she had slipped into her Mom’s room while breakfast was cooking; her stomach had felt funny opening that velvet lined drawer. Funny because she was doing something she should not be. She hadn’t recognized the feeling right away, but looking back now she more than did for what it was.

Her stomach bubbled again as the guilt of taking something she had not asked for grew inside of her. That was the word for this feeling she decided. Slightly proud of herself for finding the _right_ word even in her wrong doing. This ring was special to her Mom. Special like the journal she had ruined months ago in January was special. That had been an accident. This had not been. That difference was striking and in it Emma didn’t quite know what to do. She knew Regina would never have allowed her access to the ring or any of the jewelry. Now, she faced the task of putting the ring back before it was missed. Or to tell about what she had done.

Both were not easy tasks.

Footsteps echoing on tile of the downstairs landing startled Emma, causing her to drop the prize she was holding. Her eyes grew wide as she heard the faint _clink-clink_ of the ring tumbling down the side opening of the drain stopper. Quickly she yanked at the stopper and felt the weight resting at the bottom of the catch shift.

_Clink._

Then nothing. The weight was gone. There was nothing in the hole she was looking in.

_"Sweetheart?”_

The clicking of heels came closer. Emma shoved the stopper back in the hole and jumped back from the sink. Her mouth went dry, guts churning.

Regina tapped on the door and popped her head in. Seeing Emma’s pale face her brow wrinkled in concern. Questioning as she pushed open the door fully. "Is something wrong?" She leaned against the doorjamb crossing her arms.

"I feel sick, like I am gonna throw up." She squeaked honestly. Emma’s gaze did not leave the sink’s drain as she felt Regina's hand on her forehead and then her cheek.

"Well, you don't feel warm. Maybe you should lie down for a while. I'll bring you some ginger tea for your stomach. That will help with the nausea." Regina instructed, now leaving the girl to go and brew the promised drink.

Emma swallowed hard watching out of the corner of her eye as the sound of her Mom’s heels faded away. She went right to the sink, taking out the stopper again and shoving her fingers down, curling and reaching. Coming up with nothing, she leaned back against the wall wondering what she was going to do or say to make this _right_.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Regina sat cross legged with her eyes closed. After a moment she inhaled deeply through her nose, bringing her palms together over her heart as if in prayer. Exhaling slowly she raised her head and hands, still clasped together, toward the ceiling of her bedroom centering her being and feeling a rush of energy shoot down her spine. Low acoustic music played in the background from the small speaker on her nightstand. Another breath in and she focused on holding her position.

"Mom?"

A soft question and the sound of her bedroom door squeaking open made Regina's eyes pop open. Letting her breath out in a rush from the interruption, she stretched her arms out behind herself, arching her back in a deep stretch.

"Baby when my door is closed it means I am meditating and enjoying my yoga. We talked about not interrupting me unless it's important." She reminded gently as Emma’s head poked through the opening of the door.

"But I need to ask you a question."

Regina eyed her daughter patiently as Emma stepped into the room twirling one long curl around a finger. Which questions were and were not important was always debatable between them. She undid her legs from the lotus position, stretching them out in front of her. Bending at her trim waist, she leaned forward easily grasping the balls of her feet with her fingers. "What is it sweetheart?" Her voice a bit strained at the interruption. Every day she tried to have 15 minutes in the evenings of alone time to re-center.

"Are you still going to meet with my teacher on Tuesday?"

Regina exhaled fully as she extended her stretch by several more inches. That was hardly an emergency question, but to Emma knowing when things were happening was important so she explained. “Yes I am still planning to meet with your teacher then at four. It’s on your calendar too. Why do you ask?"

"Your phone rang.” Emma shifted from foot to foot. She was supposed to ask before using her Mom’s cell but she had forgotten again. “I thought it was Ruby because she said she was gonna call after school about our sleep over this weekend and I answered before I saw who it was.”

Nodding Regina held her stretch. That was a habit of Emma’s and no big deal. “What did your teacher say?”

“She said she had to cancel and another meeting came up."

That struck Regina as odd. She lifted her chin, keeping her stretch to look at Emma's face, "I just confirmed with her an hour ago.”

Emma shrugged and held out the cell phone. “The calendar is wrong now.”

Regina chuckled and came out of her stretch to stand. “Yes, I suppose it is. We will fix it in a little bit. She went over to her vanity and pulled a short gray silk robe from the chair over her work out tank and leggings thinking about Emma's words. "I should call her now before I forget. My schedule is very tight this week as it is." The slight look of panic that flashed in Emma's eyes did not go unnoticed as she reached for her cell phone.

“But she said you didn’t have to if I told you her message." Emma said taking a step backwards as her hands hugged her middle, rubbing her ribs.

Brown eyes registered that tic and wondered what triggered it. "That doesn't sound like Mary-Margaret." Thoughtfully with one finger she tapped her chin as she eyed Emma. "Is there something you want to tell me before I talk to her?" She asked raising both brows in question. No matter what the circumstance, Regina always tried to give the benefit of the doubt and a chance to get out of a mess if Emma had somehow found herself in one. Her daughter however, didn't take the offer as a head shook no. Then little feet hurried out of the room. Regina sighed following as she dialed.

     Downstairs in the brightly lit kitchen, Emma resumed her previous place at the counter to continue her drawing when her Mom entered. She kept her focus on her paper as her Mom paced the length of the room.

     Regina suspected Emma was keeping something from her and she wanted the girl nearby to confirm anything the teacher might have to tell her. "Hello, Mary-Margaret. Emma said you called to cancel our meeting." Regina listened attentively as the details were confirmed just as Emma had dictated to her. A wave of guilt over having doubted her child washed over and she glanced at Emma with a thoughtful frown on her face. "I understand, of course we may reschedule. Wednesday is the only other afternoon that will work for me this week though or next Monday. Alright, Wednesday. Thanks..." She said and was about to hang up as her friend’s next words felt like a blister had burst within her ear, "Say that again _._ _She did_? Well, no I did not." Regina turned to Emma, her eyes a mix of surprise and question.

Emma's breath caught in her throat as she eased off the stool and tried to slip out of the kitchen doorway. At the first sign of escape her Mom followed her into the living room.

"Hold on a second Mary-Margaret." Regina snapped her fingers to get her daughter’s attention and pointed toward the sofa. "Sit right there Emma and wait for me please."

Deciding it was best to obey Emma sat, fingers picking at the hem of her shirt before going to hug her middle again. After a few more anxious minutes of waiting Regina ended the call and set the cell down on the coffee table that stood as a thin barrier between them.

With her hands on her hips, Regina spoke softly. "Eyes up here."

Emma raised her eyes to meet her parent’s, but still kept her head low and her arms crossed.

"I am going to ask you something in a moment, but before I do, I am going to remind you that it is important that we are honest with each other, even if our feelings or what we need to talk about seems hard, okay?”

“Okay.” A squeak.

“Did you take a piece of my jewelry to show your class for one of your history lessons yesterday?"

"Yeah.”

"What did you take?" The fact that it had been yesterday and Emma had yet to say anything bothered her.

"The Cameo ring." Emma dropped her gaze to the firm line on a red mouth.

"Where is it now?" A heat warmed Regina’s cheeks. She kept the ring in a little box in her vanity so she did not notice it missing last night when she put her earrings away or even this morning getting ready. Dishonesty and invasion of her privacy a personal trigger she felt pulling, she took a deep breath to refocus. At her question with no answer, Emma began fidgeting. So she tried a more direct way of questioning. "Did you lose it?" A much harder one to ask. Regina came over to the side of the sofa near Emma and seated herself on the arm, still looking down at that blonde head. She felt like someone had punched her in the stomach at Emma's next words.

"It’s lost in the bathroom drain down here and I can't get it out. I tried.” She sniffed hard as she struggled to read her Mom’s face.

"I can't believe…” A sigh. “You took the only piece of jewelry that meant anything to me." Regina’s head shook in disbelief realizing she had been speaking more to herself that moment than Emma.

"But it was so old.” Emma’s palms ran the length of her ribs again in her manner of self soothing. “I thought you'd be…” Searching for the word and finding it after a long moment. “Mad if I borrowed something new like your pearls."

"Oh, I would have still been upset with you, at least a little bit. Those are expensive.” Regina explained honestly. “However, those are not important in the same way as that ring is to me. The Cameo has a sentimental worth that can't ever be replaced.” At the apparent confusion over the word she explained further. “That means it reminds me of good memories and the love I have for the person it belonged to. It is… was to be yours one day, all of my jewelry will be, but that's irrelevant right now."

"Mom I was careful with it though.” She had been so much so wrapping it in a cloth and keeping it in the hidden zipper pouch on the inside of her backpack. “I was and I was gonna put it back. It was an accident.” Her tummy turned inside out under her Mom’s changing expression. “You said accidents are okay."

Regina turned fully to Emma and took the girl’s chin in hand. Gently or trying to be through her own upset. "And accidents are okay baby.”

“But you’re mad.”

“I am, with your behavior, yes.” She confirmed, looking between misting green eyes.

This was different than a misunderstanding over what were acceptable actions or not, which was sometimes common for Emma to have over certain things. But this was different. A deliberate wrong doing was not common for Emma and Regina typically handled these occurrences differently than working through a misunderstanding. But that was before she knew what she knew about Emma’s ASD. Still, for what it was she was struggling.

“Taking my jewelry was a deliberate act you know better than to do. Losing the ring down the sink was unintentional and I understand that it was, but you shouldn't have had possession of it to begin with. The point, young lady, is that you took something irreplaceable that meant a great deal to me without my permission.” Sudden tears trembled on her lower lashes. A moment, she needed a moment before continuing. And by the look on Emma’s face the child did too. Regina blinked them back and was careful to try and frame her next direction in a way that Emma would be receptive to, as Dr. Nolan was helping her to learn to do. “We will talk more soon. First, I want you go to your room and wait on your bed. Then I’ll be up.” She let go of that chin and stood.

"Mom?" Emma stood too, chewing her inner cheek and not understanding why their conversation was stopping now.

Then remembering and restating more specifically. “First you need to go to your room and sit on your bed for fifteen minutes so we both can have some think time of our own based on what we just talked about. Then we will talk more about this together." Regina gestured to the stairs to give Emma a chance to listen. "Upstairs right now please.”

Emma's eyes blurred, but her tummy loosened now that she understood what was to happen. That explanation made moving her feet away easier knowing her Mom would soon join her and knowing what she was to do while she waited. She knew the importance of the ring. How special it was. That’s why she had been so careful. Should have asked, should have been even more careful, but _‘should have’_ would not fix this. How to fix this Emma didn’t know, but her Mom would. Mom always seemed to know.

 _‘What if this is too much though? What if I’m too much?’_ She thought as her feet moved quickly up the stairs. Emma bit her lip as doubt whispered in her ear. Then she remembered their talk on trust last month at the clinic when she had decided to start using that affection. She trusted her Mom then and would now to help her sort through the mess she was inside.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

As Emma left, the tears Regina had been holding back fell. Letting them fall where they may, she headed toward the hall closet where household cleaning supplies and her tool collection were kept. She stepped fully inside the closet, finding the proper size wrench that would aid her in tackling the pipes under the bathroom sink. It was a long shot, but she hoped the gold of the ring was heavy enough to be sitting right in the dip pipe of the sink. Not having that hope was too much to think about right now.

After clearing out the underside of the sink Regina crouched down and managed to unhinge the dip pipe there. It fell on the floor, and she tapped it against the tile and there, just as she hoped, was the cameo ring. And a Lego, a tiny action figure sword, a purple hair tie, and a penny—a lucky one it seemed. Instantly grateful for the ring she took a moment to let the weight of it register in her palm. Then she fingered the other items, shaking her head as the corners of her mouth quirked up in fond amusement in spite of her earlier upset. Only Emma could bring this type of smile to her face.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Upstairs Emma sat on her bed hugging herself and fidgeted with every noise that was coming from downstairs. She stared down at her toes wiggling them in her socks as she waited.

It had been nearly fifteen minutes. She knew because she had been silently counting the minutes. The clock did that too, but Emma preferred to do it herself sometimes. Counting helped her focus when she was upset. Time also to think had been what she needed to figure out what to say. Her words needed to be right. Just before she reached the last number she realized that she wasn't alone. She could hear footsteps approaching and the bed dip nearby. Then a hand rested on her knee and she looked up to red lips parting and promptly all the words she had been thinking to say left her head.

"Look up at me please." Regina prompted. Another thing they were working on and waited as the girl slowly did so.

Then Emma found her words again in patient eyes on her. "Mommy I’m really sorry."

Regina felt her heart melt as she lifted Emma up to sit on her lap. She wanted nothing more than in that moment than to forget the events of the day. Hard as it sometimes was to be firm, she had to follow through and be consistent if she would continue to hold any form of authority in Emma’s eyes. "I can see that baby, but we still need have our talk.” Reassuring with a hug. “Tell me what happens when you do not make good choices."

"I'm in trouble with you."

"Sometimes for certain ones, yes. And what happens if you repeat a behavior we have already talked about, so I'm sure you understand the rules?"

“We talk again and sometimes a consequence.” Then Emma’s brow scrunched up tight. “But I told you. I told you about the ring when you asked.”

"You did and that was a good choice on your part. However, keeping something from me that I need to know about is not alright to do. Yes, it was an accident that you dropped my ring down the sink, but you shouldn't have had it to begin with. Luckily it seems it was not as entirely lost as we thought.” She held out her hand. To anyone else Emma would have appeared to grimace seeing the ring in her palm, but Regina recognized it as a smile of relief.

"You found it. That’s good." Emma said in a breathy whisper.

Regina nodded. "Yes, I did among other things. First and foremost, we need to talk about your dropping items down the sink. Only water, toothpaste, and soap should be in the sink to begin with. I don't know how you managed the rest of these. _Legos_ , money, toys, my jewelry, or anything other than what I previously mentioned, is not allowed, alright?" Regina tried to keep a straight face as she named off the items in her hand, pointing to each with her finger so it registered with Emma.

Nodded quickly, Emma scooped up her stuff and put it all in her pocket for safe keeping.

Turning serious again, Regina continued, "Now, as for your choice to take the ring. I'm upset that you went through my personal things without asking. You not only went through my property, you also took something very valuable to me that didn't belong to you and almost lost it for good. How do you think we can help make sure you remember the importance of asking and getting permission about borrowing my things in the future?” She asked, arching a single brow in wait.

Emma shrugged her shoulders, figuring any answer she wanted to give was wrong.

“It’s okay to think about it for a minute baby. I want to hear what you think.”

“A time out.”

“You had a bit of one already. Did having a few minutes to think about what happened help you to calm down so we can talk more like we are?”

A slow nod.

And Regina saw she needed to share if she expected Emma to. “It helped me to think more clearly when I had some time away to consider all of what you told me. I calmed down much quicker and was able to make a plan to find the ring.”

“I’m glad you found it. I know it’s special.”

A soft smile. “Me too and you’re right it is very special. I can see you are starting to understand that. I thought about what you said and I think that you need some more clarity on what having respect for others property means. So, this weekend you will be spending some time polishing and cleaning each and every piece of my jewelry. I'll show you how to do the first few and you will finish the rest."

"I'll do a really good job. I promise." Emma assured, suddenly liking the idea of showing she did respect her Mom’s stuff.

"I'm sure you will.” Agreeing, Regina tucked her chin over the child's head.

“I love you Mom."

Those four precious words reaching Regina's ears felt so wonderful and so right. And with it doubt from earlier began to ebb. She kissed Emma’s cheek, nose, and other cheek, causing a giggle. "How much do you love me?" Regina questioned, wondering if Emma remembered the game they used to play.

Emma smiled and extended her arms outward, "All of it." She stretched her fingertips out to the max, to indicate just how much she was talking about. "I love you all of it Mom."

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

On Sunday morning, Emma’s nimble fingers gently and carefully worked a blue cleaning cloth over the tiny reflecting stones. All around the setting and over each indent and hook that held the stones in place, she worked to a shine. Emma sighed heavily as she stared closely at the larger one in the center she had just spent the last five minutes on. She caught the tiny kaleidoscope image of her eye in the many angles and cuts that made the stone so beautiful. Carefully, she placed the ring back into the proper place in the velvet slot of the tray atop her Mom’s vanity.

Regina had brought her in here after breakfast. A key had been taken from somewhere unknown Emma wondered about and the bottom drawer of the vanity was unlocked. Emma was curious about why that drawer had been locked to begin with. A small lined tray with a few bracelets was quickly taken out and the drawer closed. Emma became distracted from the question brewing in her head when Regina began to explain and model the task she was to do. Once she had the hang of it she was left on her own to work with a kiss to the top of her head.

She had been working steadily for about a half hour and she had only gotten through a fraction of the many pieces her parent owned with her attention to detail. While the work was tedious, Emma had taken great pleasure in trying on a few of the pieces and modeling in front of the attached oval mirror.

Without looking, she reached her hand into the very top drawer on her right to feel for the next piece she was to work on. Her fingers scraped the drawer's bottom causing her now to look. Then her curious question returned and unable to help it she tugged the bottom drawer that had not been re-locked open for a peek. It was empty. But in one corner of the drawer the velvet was lifted. Emma fingered the loose fabric, tugging gently and to her great surprise she ended up lifting out a false bottom.

Underneath the velvet lined wooden plank were a few papers folded neatly in one corner. Not thinking about what she was doing and more than curious now she pulled the bundle out and unfolded the top paper. It was an old notebook page with what looked like a list of things checked off in different colors of ink with a date next to each item. Under number 9, _Publish Thesis_ , was the most recent item dating back a few months ago. She read it once and then again unsure of exactly what her name meant on this list:

 

  1. _My daughter, Emma_



Emma folded it back up and reached for the next paper. Her eyes grew large as she read the few words at the top of the page. _‘But I thought…’_ Lost in that thought, her ears didn't register the sound of footsteps in the hall, or the squeak the bedroom door made as it opened. She jumped only as she felt two hands resting on her shoulders.

"How are you coming along, sweetheart?” Then wondering what her daughter was doing and frowning. “What’s this?” Regina reached around Emma for the papers as the girl bolted upright, nearly knocking over the chair. “Emma—“

Sharp and cutting. "I thought you **_wanted_** me?"

Regina took a step back in shock of the sudden outburst. On the tip of her tongue, she readied a response, but then the pages in her hand finally registered and the bottom drawer she had forgotten to re-lock. Her eyes clouded as she took in the absolute damning way Emma was looking at her. Before she could speak or move, Emma snatched up a strand of pearls.

Breathing hard as her little confused heart hurt, anger warmed her skin to a bright pink. Emma tugged hard and ripped the strand. A thunder of white orbs crashed to the floor in unison with her tears. Emma threw the rest of the strand at her parent's feet before running blindly out of the room.

Regina lowered herself to sit where Emma had been previously, her head falling into her hands as the papers slipped to the floor between her feet. Through blurry eyes the words at the top of one paper became clear. It was a form that had come with a pack of information from the judge at the courthouse about four months after Emma had been left on her doorstep. Titled at the top was;

 

_Release of Guardianship_

_of a Minor into State Custody_

****

The heartache, fear, and helplessness of those early days with Emma flashed behind her eyes. She had not known what to do, how to help, how to do or be anything—and that feeling had been terrifying and all too triggering. In her self-doubt over being faced suddenly with the prospect of raising her sister’s abused and emotionally disturbed child three years ago, Regina had broken down and wallowed in a pool of doubt and guilt. She had once had misgivings about her ability to effectively raise and help a child who had known nothing, but the pain and chaos.

Terrified too that she would somehow, in some small way—even by accident or chance—end up repeating the cycle of abuse. Never did she ever want to be anything like _them_. That is why she had had her tubes tied after running away. To make _sure_. To make absolutely sure another generation of her blood line was not exposed or affected by the abuse that had nearly strangled her in childhood. It would stop with her.

Period.

But it hadn’t with her sister. Now her sister was dead. Emma was here. Affected; hurt and grieving, but healing and growing. A love her heart was missing. A daughter she did not realize she needed.

Emma was her serendipity.

She had kept the form as a reminder along with her list of dreams not to doubt her own strength and ability to do right by Emma. To do better. To be better than what she had come from.

Regina’s shoulders shook before falling prey to the guilt of tears that followed. One more breath and she quickly stood to go after her daughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Yeah, I know... I ripped my own heart out too. Deeper down the rabbit hole we are about to go into their past…
> 
> Next time – A past look at Regina’s first meeting with Emma and those early months into their relationship. Emma learns more about her Mom’s heart. Regina is vulnerable with her daughter.


	11. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is their beginning... Picks right up from where other chapter left off.

**Chapter 11 –** **The Beginning**

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The gold knob felt sharply cold against Emma’s skin as it twisted beneath her palm. Twisting and twisting, but that movement did not make the door open. The white swirling pattern of the metal security door met her gaze. Quickly she looked about the foyer. She spotted the silver prize peeking out from an open zipper pocket of a _Coach_ purse on a table by the door. Emma reached hurriedly, fumbling and dropping the keys with a loud clatter to the floor. Bending to pick them up she shifted through them trying to remember the one for the gate. Her ears registered feet on the stairs.

A soft voice pleaded. "Emma, let’s go back upstairs and talk about this."

But Emma shook her head; her long curls blew back from the breeze that stirred the hot air outside; as hot as she was feeling inside. Her Mom had a security gate put on a few weeks back when the house’s security system had been updated. It locked automatically when closed and there was a safety latch at the very top on the inside that when pressed undid the lock mechanism, but Emma could not jump that high. She dropped the keys again in her hurry; they spun on the tile away from her and towards the base of the staircase that was directly across from the front entryway. The girl kicked the gate with her socked foot as she leaned against it, pushing with all of her might willing the metal to give just a little.

"Emma?"

"Go away!" She felt trapped in her confusion over the form and between the door and her Mom she could not face right now. Emma hated that closed off feeling more than anything else. It made her feel out of control and upset, she needed to get away from that feeling before that feeling took her over.

Regina took a deep breath. "I know you are upset with me and that’s okay. But angry with me or not, you will not raise your voice to me. That's not how we talk to each other about how we feel."

Reminding and coming down the rest of the staircase. Closer Regina could finally take in the scene for what it was and Emma’s fidgeting, but ridged body language. Recognizing the start of a fit—no a _trigger_ , she self corrected as she stood about fifteen feet away. It felt like miles of un-crossable desert just then; a feeling that she was well acquainted with. This feeling stemmed in origin from their first several months of living together; before she had any tools for helping redirect and calm Emma. Before Dr. Hopper or their systems for handling Emma’s emotions when they spiraled.

Emma turned around and leaned against the gate as Regina bent down to pick up the keys. Finding her words as she focused on her breath like her Mom had taught her. "You always tell me to tell you how I feel. I don't want to be around you right now. I want… I…” Her throat got tight as panic rose.

Squeezing the metal in hand, Regina ran a finger hard over the various cut edges of the keys as those words cut her. "That paper is not what you think baby—"

"Stop calling me that." Emma protested, stomping her foot. Then quieter as she caught a look of hurt she recognized flash across her parent's features. "I'm not your baby."

Those words stung like nothing Regina had ever felt. Silently she crossed the distance between them undoing a single key from the key ring as she moved. She stood near Emma but not touching with her hand open in offering.

Emma took it, hugging it to her chest as she eyed Regina in question.

"I don't want you to ever feel trapped by me like I know you did just a moment ago." Regina explained quietly. Her daughter needed to regain a feeling of control and she would not stand in the way of that. She tried to trust her gut and remain rooted as Emma unlatched the door.

Wide open, Emma took off down the stone path toward the edge of the front yard. She stopped at the sandstone and wrought iron fence at the far end of the path. That was also locked, but she knew the gate code by heart; could press the numbers to run even further away. She stood staring at it for several minutes as her surroundings fully registered. That open space helped and that knowledge began to further calm the itch to run as her lungs slowed, throat loosened, and her eyes relaxed into the warm release of salt pushing to spill past her lashes.

The edge was off. The trigger turning to a mere simmer. Because of a choice. Her Mom had given her a choice. Always a choice and it hit Emma then that she had no one who _knew_ her like the one she was running from. All she had and had ever had in this crazy world was Regina. She needed her Mom and her Mom needed her. That was a known promise between them and at that reminder and where it came from in their past she turned to look back. Regina stood in the doorway, arms crossed in a hugging fashion. Watching her and waiting.

And then that open space away from her Mom when she felt so out of sorts inside, it was too much. She needed her Mom’s hug and kiss, but she was also too mad to accept them yet. Emma hugged her stomach in her manner of self soothing and shifted from foot to foot conflicted before her feet decided for her and moved. She headed back up the walkway blurry eyed, and then faster past Regina up the stairs to her room.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The laminated copy of her adoption certificate that had once symbolized so much now only made Emma’s brow scrunch with a ton of questions she was not sure she wanted the answers to. She set it aside on her desk next to her unfinished homework and art supplies as she thought about the past.

The adoption had been finalized when she had been eight and she remembered wanting the certificate the judge had given her new parent. When she learned the certificate was going to be put up for safe keeping in her Mom’s safe Emma had not understood why it had to go away in a metal box that locked. Had tried to ask why as they stood in line at the record counter a few days after the judge said she was now Emma Mills. But the woman standing in line behind them that day as they waited kept bumping into Emma.

Too close and Emma had already been upset and did not like to be touched by strange things or strangers. In the year at the time she had lived with Regina her parent had come to understand that. But too late she had been swept away in a fit in the middle of the crowded room when that happened. Sinking to the floor and kicking her feet, she had begun shrieking. Not because of the misunderstanding about the certificate though that had not helped, but because she had been triggered. But at the time she had no way of explaining that. No way to say or show what was wrong in a way she could be understood for she did not even understand herself.

That was all different now. The routines and structures she had developed with her Mom and doctors had given her a voice she had not had before the day she was left by her mother on the porch. Two words; Mom and mother that held a world of difference for what they meant to her. That thought made her mouth turn down in a thoughtful frown as her mind drifted again.

Been told to shut up the first part of her life, being asked to do the opposite of that had been jarring. Regina had expected her to try to communicate how she felt and with support and plenty of patience she more than tried to meet those expectations. That expectation different and scary in the newness at first, but slowly it turned a comfort she had come to count on always being there. Count on like she had come to count on her Mom.

But that form in the vanity drawer made her wonder.

And still, even when things had been hard for them in their tumble of a beginning or even the last six months when her Ma dropping in on their life had sent them into a tailspin, Emma had never once felt unwanted. Quite the opposite, but she had no way of saying she understood that when she had been seven and had showed so the only way her mind and body allowed. Now she could say something and wanted to, but was trying to figure out just what that was.

Her ‘fits’ as they used to be called were now treated differently. Now they were called triggers. When she had been taken to the car that day after having one at the records counter and it was quiet and she was being held in those arms she loved she had calmed down enough for Regina to explain. Emma learned how the real copy of her adoption certificate had to go in the safe at home, but that a copy of the original would be made on heavy paper complete with a large gold star sticker. While that had not been the issue that had caused her to lose control, that gift of belonging had given her such a sense of grounding that day. After that, whenever she was really upset she revisited the paper and that feeling it gave her.

That feeling was still there, but ever so much stronger as she gazed at the certificate.

In the beginning, Emma would sleep with it under her pillow; look at and touch it every day just to be sure it was all real. She had delighted in telling her teacher that she was no longer Emma West, but Emma Mills. She had a parent who cared what her favorite color was, if she ate too much sugar or if she was upset about something. Emma felt like a somebody now that she belonged. Or she had thought so at the time. Now she especially did since she had decided to call Regina Mom. A soft knock on her open door interrupted her thoughts. Emma closed her eyes, listening as a voice urged her response.

 "Emma, may I come in?”

She wanted to say no. She wanted to say yes. And in her indecision Emma said nothing and shook her head instead. That minimum was expected. She knew it. Her Mom it. And that was how it worked between them.

“Will you at least come out and eat something? You've been in there all day."

Still Emma did not say anything despite the rumbling of her stomach. She shrugged instead.

Resting her head against the door jamb, Regina’s eyes closed. Torn between wanting to go in and hug her daughter and knowing she needed to respect where Emma was at right now. "I will make up a tray for you then. Try to eat something please and we can try again in a little while." She insisted and went back downstairs to prepare lunch. Ten minutes later she left it outside Emma's doorway.

A few hours later the bare minimum she expected Emma to eat at each meal had been attempted when she had come back for it. As she picked up the tray, Regina felt conflicted. While sharing their feelings was difficult for both of them, it was not in her nature to hang onto anger and to hide away from issues that needed to be dealt with unlike Emma who often ran, hid, and stewed in it all for a while before being ready to talk.

Their opposite natures complemented each other most of the time in other ways and in this way too; Regina learned to be more patient of her child's need to process anger differently and Emma learned that sometimes running and hiding were unnecessary. Over time a balance had been created, but lately the scale had tipped too far to Emma's side. Though things were significantly better between them since her sister’s suicide, they had been on uneven ground, constantly sliding and slipping into each other with misunderstandings. Regina stared at the back of her daughter’s head for a moment longer before going with her gut to leave Emma be for a little while longer.

She went downstairs and into the cellar off of the kitchen, checking the drying herbs bundled overhead she had cut a few days ago in the garden. After a few minutes Regina selected a bottle of white wine and returned to the kitchen to pour herself a small glass. It tasted of summer sun soaked fruit; the fresh bright taste lifted her spirits slightly.

 Making her way out front and leaving the security door wide open in case Emma came looking for her, she seated herself on the white washed swinging bench near a huge potted eternity plant by the front door. She curled her legs underneath her as she swung gently back and forth, taking in the orange and pink colors of the sun beginning to dip in the distance. Her eyes drifted to the door mat and a memory flashed. Regina went with it to drift back to that unforgettable first night with Emma three and a half years ago.

She had just started up her practice. She was well learned, traveled, and accomplished. Her life up until that point had revolved around her crazy work load, her own schedule and needs, and she answered to no one, but herself. Life was ordered neatly in a digital calendar just as Regina preferred, with colored coded sections for every part of her day. Her whole life she had always been where she was supposed to be, always doing exactly what she was supposed to be scheduled doing until that night when everything changed…

 

 

_Fresh from a workout Regina was wearing a red tank top and a pair of fitted black yoga pants as she swept her hair was up in a high twist atop her head with a clip. She was in the kitchen and about to start making herself dinner when she heard the doorbell ring. Taking a long drink from her water bottle and wondering who could be ringing this late she hurried toward the front door. A quick peek through the peephole revealed a dark figure running down her walkway to a car parked on the street. Puzzled at why someone would ring her bell and run off suddenly, Regina opened the front door. And immediately stepped back, startled._

_A little girl with a tangle of curls sat huddled on the mat at her feet. The child was wearing a long T-shirt and leggings while hugging knees with two scrawny arms. Next to a pair of dirty sneakers tapping in a mismatched rhythm was a backpack that had something peeking out of it. Both left on the porch as if packages to be so. Two big eyes stared up at her, or rather at her mouth it seemed. She knew those eyes. They were her sister’s eyes. Or almost. And that meant…_

_Regina knelt down. The girl jerked backwards at her sudden movement. Hesitating for that response, she spoke softly. "Emma? Where’s your mother—" That last question followed a sick, sinking feeling as she recalled the figure running away down the walk. Her eyes zipped back and forth from Emma to the car speeding away. "Why did …" Regina stopped short yet again when her words caused a grunt in return and rocking to start. Emma just stared at her mouth seeming to wait for something. There was no answer for what her sister had just done and certainly not one this child could answer._

_The girl's condition became her first concern as Regina reached out a hand palm up. Emma scooted back even further away from it, but stood up, shifting on feet. Guessing her niece did not want to be touched, she moved to pick up the backpack instead just to have something to do. Naturally, as a physician, she took quiet stock of the girl’s physical state. She knew her niece was seven, but appeared no bigger than a five year old; small for her age, seemingly malnourished by the color of skin and dullness to eyes and hair._

_And apparently terrified. Or angry. Or confused. Or was it something else? She could not tell by the mixed and changing features in front of her moment to moment._

_So Regina beckoned with a small fluid gesture to inside. After a minute Emma stepped wide around her and into the house. Both inside Regina shut the door. That movement sent little sneakers bolting into the kitchen and she followed to find the girl curled up underneath the overhang of the island counter with the bar stools as a barrier between them. Little one had yet to say one word and for a moment Regina wondered if Emma could speak at all. Then lost that thought remembering having heard a few words from that mouth the one time she had seen Emma with Zelena ages ago._

_"Do you know who I am?" Regina asked coming closer, but still giving space. The child shook a head, rubbing an eye with a balled fist. "I wouldn't think you would remember me. I am your mother's sister, your Aunt Regina.” Pausing a moment to give Emma a chance to respond to that. When nothing was forthcoming she scrambled to give a reference point of some kind. She had sent packages to her sister’s sporadic addresses over the years, but never knew if any had been received. After a long thick moment of silence she had one. “I sent you a stuffed bear for Christmas a few years ago. Did you ever—"_

_"Henry Bear.” That voice was a mere squeak._

_Regina squatted down to be on the girl’s level. Emma pointed to the backpack in her hand. Looking down, Regina saw a hint of a plaid bow tie amongst the matted fur. "So you did get it. I had always wondered." She paused again, and then set the backpack down. The girl eyed it and so she scooted it towards Emma. Little hands snatched it up and put it on. They simply looked at each other for a while or rather Regina did as Emma looked anywhere but at her. Taking it as shyness and fear of a new place Regina focused instead on what to do and overwhelmed her mind began spinning._

_Before her was a child she had only ever seen once, when the girl had been nearly five and Zelena had paid a visit of which ended badly. Regina had asked about an odd shaped mark on Emma’s leg and Zelena had spun a story as if it were nothing. Emma had seemed indifferent to it, ignoring them entirely in favor of staring at the TV. Grateful to see her sister after a decade of silence and in a sober state with her little niece Regina had apologized. She had not listened to her gut then, but now thought maybe she should have._

_"Are you hungry?” Regina asked for lack of a better question. “You must be." Guilt swept over her as her thoughts began to race. ‘_ How could I have let Zelena walk out that day with Emma?’

_Her eyes once again took in the girl's skinny arms and big eyes that seemed to see everything and yet nothing at the same time before standing. She needed to call the police and file a report. She needed answers. She needed to do a lot of things right now. But first she needed to try and connect with this little girl hiding under her kitchen counter. Then the obvious hit her as Emma’s fingers stoked the bear’s fur._

_“Is Henry Bear hungry?”_

_A nod._

_Going to the fridge, she made up a turkey and cheese sandwich with a large glass of milk. She set both on the table of the breakfast nook and patted a chair._

_“Will you come out and sit here with him to have something to eat too?”_

_Emma’s head shook no, but a tongue licked pink lips in want. Getting an idea Regina moved the dish and glass to the floor, setting it close to Emma and moving back. The child stared at it._

_“Something wrong?”_

_Emma’s lips tightened and she pointed to the plate._

_“Do you not like turkey?”_

_Emma grunted and pointed again more insistently. Regina picked it up and removed the turkey to the side of the plate and put the bread back on the cheese. Trying again she set the plate down, but Emma pointed again. More than curious now Regina repeated this pattern with the cheese until everything on the plate was not touching. Only then did Emma begin to eat and did so quickly. Halfway through Emma seemed to remember her bear and pulled his head far enough out of the backpack and held up a piece of bread to his mouth._

_"When was the last time you ate?"_

_Emma shrugged wiping the many crumbs from her mouth before draining the last of the milk in the glass. That look seemed sad or was it scared that it was now empty?_

_"More?"_

_The question came out as a small whine much like a newborn kitten that couldn’t find its mom; and that had been more telling. Regina shook her head, and crouching down again too quickly to seemed, Emma hunkered back. Making a mental note to move more slowly she held out her hand for the glass. After a minute of staring Emma handed it to her, their fingers brushing seemed to startle. Then Emma came at her, small hand grabbing her index finger. More specifically the cameo ring she wore there. Still as stone least she break this willing contact Regina let Emma turn her hand this way and that as green eyes examined the ring. Finally Emma’s lips pulled back to show teeth. Regina thought the girl was grimacing, but the child’s words did not match the expression shown._

_“Pretty.” Emma looked from the ring to a red mouth. “Like you.”_

_Regina smiled softly letting out a breath she had not been aware of holding. “I think you are very pretty too.” And the child was certainly even under the layer of grime on pale skin. With those words Emma seemed to begin to relax. Slowly still Regina stood up expecting Emma to bolt again, but that little hand only clung tighter to her finger._

_“More?” Pointing again to the empty glass._

_Going to the sink with Emma in her shadow, Regina set the cup inside as she spoke, "Soon, but not just yet. You'll get sick if you keep eating and drinking so fast." Out of the corner of her eye she caught a wide mouth yawn. Glancing to the clock she noted the late hour. "You must be getting sleepy. Let's get you cleaned up and into a warm bed. Then I’ll get you some more milk. Does that sound okay?"_

_Emma seemed to think about that offer and nodded after a minute. Regina had wanted to add,_ ‘and tomorrow we'll figure everything out,' _but she choked on those words. One moment at a time was all she could handle right now. She suspected Emma was feeling the same way too. That small commonality was oddly comforting._

_She led her niece upstairs and into her bathroom. As the girl let her finger go and looked about the room, Regina set about running a shallow warm bath in the large tub and seated herself on the step there as it filled. Emma seemed distracted until she beckoned again. Then she was met with a look of utter panic._

_"It's just water, see?" Regina explained, lifting a handful of water and letting the droplets seep through her fingers back down into the tub._

_“No bath.”_

_That voice sounded adamant and in the underlying plea there Regina drained the tub, but not before wetting a few washcloths and wringing them out. “Then how about we just clean your face and hands. Would that be okay?”_

_The girl licked lips before stepping backward, but reached a hand out as if wanting help to move. These mixed signals she was struggling to interpret and so she decided to help. Regina leaned forward, offering her finger. Emma slowly took it and slowly those feet came closer. She smiled with genuine affection that began to well within her heart._

_"It’s alright, Emma." Regina’s full lips formed the name, taking in each syllable and sweet curve her mouth made. Gently and slowly she wiped at pale cheeks. “When we are done I have a sleep shirt you can put on afterwards." The clothes Emma was wearing looked like they had been worn for days on end._

_A bath was needed really, but could wait until tomorrow. Done with face and hands Emma let her slip the backpack down and off as well as untie shoes. Emma let her remove those ad socks before the fidgeting began. Deciding to be done, Regina reached for one of her night shirts on the hook by the tub and held it out to Emma. When the child did nothing she hesitated before draping it across her lap. “Do you want help changing?”_

_Emma nodded, but stepped back when hands reached for the hem of her shirt. Regina paused and dropped them to her lap. Again hesitant on what Emma really wanted. “I can go if you want to be by yourself to—“_

_“No!” A shout as Emma lunged forward and grabbed her by the knees. The suddenness of it startled Regina._

_“Okay, okay, I’ll stay right here with you.” Pacifying the pinched look she thought might be panic in the eyes in front of her. Gently Regina held up the clean shirt on her lap. “May I help you take off your shirt so we can put a new one on?” She felt like she was speaking to a three year old rather than a child of seven, as she would her littlest patients who were often scared during their first visit to her office._

_At that professional lens she thought she might know what to do after all more than she had been thinking. Relying on what she knew worked with them she began to explain each step of what she was going to be doing before she did it. “I am going to lift the hem of your shirt up over your head, okay?” Emma nodded and let her._

_Off she dropped the T-shirt to the floor as the little girl’s arms crossed and Emma began running fingers up and down each rib. The motion was odd and not at the same time, but before Regina could give it anymore attention she automatically began assessing again. Half naked save a pair of leggings the girl was even skinnier than she thought. Regina’s stomach turned inside out. Needing a better look to further evaluate, she explained what she was doing as she gently and slowly rested her hands on Emma’s shoulders guiding the girl as she continued. “Will you turn all the way around for me please?”_

_Emma did and Regina grew sicker. A bruise tender in forming on the upper back shoulder and wrapping under the right arm came into view. Regina was able to recognize the shape for what it was. A hand. “Oh Emma.” Her voice broke and she quickly regained her composure when little eyes peeked over a shoulder at her. Oh so gently she touched below the mark feeling for damage to the joint, it looked that sore. Emma hissed at the contact. Red lips tightened as she had Emma make a few specific movements just to be sure it was not more than a bruise. Regina adjusted her expression once again before Emma came back around to face her._

_“Hurts.”_

_And that word busted her heart wide open. Regina swallowed, forcing a reassuring smile. “I am going to get something that will help with that.” Standing she opened the medicine cabinet by the sink, finding the Arnica gel she used for aches and bruises she sat back down and showed the tube to Emma. “This will feel a bit cold and sticky, but it will help with the pain.” It was all she had at the moment and thought she needed to call her neighbor Granny Lucas to see if any Children’s Tylenol could be brought over. The thought left for the moment as she explained her next step before carefully turning Emma and dabbing the green tinted gel onto the bruise._

_Taking her time to make sure she did not cause any more pain than necessary. Regina knew from experience just how much one of those types of marks hurt. Skin and muscle healed, but the intent of the one who made the bruise left a mark no medicine or therapy could erase. Time helped to dull the emotional ache, but it never truly went away. Another thing they had in common she suspected when those green eyes so full met her own briefly before looking away again to the floor. Then she gave another explanation of her actions before she tugged on the clean gray silk shirt. It fell past the girl’s knees in a makeshift nightgown._

_“Yours?”_

_“My shirt, I hope that’s okay.” She got a grimace from Emma, then teeth. A smile then, not a grimace after all. Then needing to be sure Emma was not hurt else where she coaxed the leggings down and off. Satisfied there were no other marks and with nausea still boiling in her stomach Regina swallowed to keep it down and she asked a hard question. “How did you get that mark Emma?”_

_A shrug, but pink lips parted as if wanting to speak._

_Then more specifically Regina asked. “Did someone grab you?”_

_Emma’s brows went tight as if the obvious were upsetting to say. “Ma’s boyfriend Robin was mad.” A shrug. “And then we were in the car forever and she said I had to stay here.”_

_It was the most said and the least telling in a few different ways. Regina had her suspicions on who Emma’s father was when Zelena had been pregnant, but if Emma did not know she was not going to bring it up now. Best leave that as water under the bridge for the moment. But who had made that mark and why Zelena left Emma here were what she wanted to know._

_Her other suspicion of abuse confirmed however, Regina rubbed Emma’s arms gently in a soothing fashion as those green eyes looked like they wanted to begin leaking. Something hard there kept the tears from falling. She didn’t know what to say to that. To any of this and so she opened her arms instead. Emma stared at them and then her for a long moment before stepping closer, as if a thing like hugging was a foreign language. In a way it was for both of them. Careful of the bruise and somewhat awkwardly for never having done so Regina wrapped her arms around Emma. Little one let out a sigh, warm and telling against her neck that this was what was needed._

_“Ma said I was bad.”_

_Regina shook her head, damning Zelena in her head. “Look at me, okay?” Waiting as the girl did so and saying the words she wished someone would have said to her so long ago. “You are not bad. Never, ever. Your Ma is wrong.” That last statement a loaded one in more ways than one it seemed._

_Emma looked confused at that idea, but again said nothing and tucked up tighter against her neck for a moment before pulling away entirely. She watched as Emma found fascination with her ring again as her mind ran away with all the questions she had no one to ask but herself._

_And that feeling of doubt in herself and what to do returned tenfold…_

 

"Good evening Regina!"

The happy greeting called from across the street woke Regina from her thoughts. She forced a smile and gave a wave to Granny who was power walking in a pair of rose colored sweats complete with a matching sweat band above the ever present spectacles as Ruby rode ahead on a bike. Settling back against the swinging bench after her neighbor passed she followed her thoughts to a pivotal conversation she had had with Granny at one point…

 

 

_"I don't know what to do. At first everything was fine, now Emma is out of control.” Regina explained, near exasperated as she bent to pick up the last of the stuffing from one of her couch pillows._

_Emma had torn the living room apart not a half hour ago. A common occurrence the last few months, along with fits, phone calls every week from Emma’s teacher on similar events at school. When she had come down stairs to investigate the noise she had promptly taken up the child in her arms. Emma fought her, but eventually calmed. Emotionally spent after and with nothing she had been trying to do in the parenting books she had been glued to working, it had been too much. She had coaxed Emma outside so she could collect herself for a moment._

_Then the phone had rang and Granny’s inquiring voice as to her well being brought the wall she was struggling to hold up down._

_Regina paced with her hand on her hip, long red lacy skirt flowing out behind her. "I've never had any real experience with children outside of my practice. This whole guardianship thing has me scared out of my mind. I'm a Doctor, not a parent. I never had real parents myself and I don't know the first thing about raising a child, especially this child." Regina sighed heavily as she peeked out the wooden blinds of the large window that offered a clear view of the front lawn._

_Emma was outside drawing with Henry Bear under the shade of a tree oblivious to the conversation going on._

_"Regina, you need to take a step back and look at the situation from another angle.” Granny's sure words held a deep comfort that soothed like a balm on her tense shoulders. “From what you’re saying, it sounds like you're really worried about you. Emma needs you to be strong and there for her. Who else does she have? Certainly not her mother. You can do this."_

_Those words were sobering and Regina rubbed her temple before she pulled a piece of folded paper from her skirt pocket, fingering the soft edges from her many times of fingering it throughout the day. "You’re right. I know you are I’m just so....”_

_“Tired?”_

_“Exhausted.” She sank onto the ottoman in front of the fireplace. Shoulders dropped needing to admit her fault to someone she trusted. “Yesterday, I went through the packet of papers the judge gave me at guardianship hearing earlier this week and there’s a Release of Guardianship Authorization form in there.” Her chin trembled as her voice cracked. “I briefly thought about signing it and I have been sick with myself for even thinking that." As sure as she felt of those words, doubt of her abilities still lay around her heart. Emma deserved better than her._

_"This path you are on together is not going to be easy for you, or for Emma. But you'll figure it out Regina as you go along. You have to." Granny's voice held strength and understanding. “That’s what it means to be a parent. Especially when things are tough.”_

_"What would you do if Ruby was acting up, like I explained Emma was?" She had told Granny of the fits several times and they had talked through many different strategies she had been trying with Emma._

_"I'd explain what she's done wrong and depending on the situation give her a time out or maybe a swat. Or sometimes a spanking sets her right. Helps her get some of those feelings out with a good cry. Again it depends. Sometimes it takes a little, sometimes a little more, but there is always a shift that comes with it."_

_Humoring the moment, Regina asked. “But what if this shift doesn’t come? What do I do then?”_

_“The shift always comes, Regina. Trust your instincts and you’ll feel it right when she does.”_

_Explained so simply and matter of fact that Regina wondered if maybe it just might work. It also was preached against the modern books she had been reading on parenting, but when she had read about the research behind certain theories on discipline she had not found enough evidence either way to sway her opinion. As a child she herself had not been spanked. Slapped and beaten, but not spanked. There was a distinct difference in her mind between the two from what she had read about along with what Granny was describing._

_Then she tried to explain again her torn feelings over the idea. "Nothing I have tried works with her. I've tried time outs, no TV, no outside time, early bedtime, no dessert, taking toys away, sending her to her room. Nothing stops or hinders her behavior.” Regina dropped her head in her hand and sighed, feeling at a loss as she admitted her deepest fear. “You know her history and some of mine. I just don't want to traumatize or hurt Emma like her mother did."_

_"First off you are not your sister and I know you don't have a violent bone in your body. Spanking is different. If you do it when you're calm and clear headed, you can use it on occasion as an effective tool.”_

_“I’m worried she’ll resent me after the fact.”_

_Granny chuckled. “Children want and need structure Regina. Structure and discipline are the foundations of parenting. She needs you to set the expectation and follow through with what you say you are going to do. She won’t resent you, quite the opposite. How many times have you tried putting her in time out only for her to step right out of it?”_

_“Too many.” Admitting such, Regina felt a blush warm her cheeks._

_“Or taking something away only to give it back when she screams for it?”_

_“I’ve done that too and tried something else.”_

_“Exactly my point. Pick a strategy and stick with it every time. Emma will respond to that predictability and follow through.”_

_Regina thought about that idea. Emma was very set in certain ways. Needing certain things to be just right. Regina had begun to note patterns in some behaviors over the last few months, especially with food. Her niece would not eat anything on a plate that had food touching. Nor much of anything at breakfast unless it was covered in apple butter. Or drink out of anything with a straw. And too with clothing and basic routines like brushing teeth and washing hands. The girl seemed to find comfort in the certainty she had been providing with those patterns. Maybe Granny had a point._

_Granny sighed. “But try it and see. Every child is different. You have to find what works for Emma and once you do, that along with plenty of patience and love will begin to work and make a difference.”_

_“You sound so sure.” When Regina still felt anything but that. Though talking out her feelings certainly helped. She needed to start doing more of that with Emma too, she realized._

_There was a pause from the other end of the phone before Granny responded. “I raised my daughter Anita and made some mistakes. You will make mistakes too with Emma at some point and that’s okay. It’s what you do with those mistakes after the fact that makes the difference. I learned from mine the hard way. I have a feeling you won’t have to as much. Ruby is my second chance to get things right.”_

_Regina chewed on her inner cheek. “But what if she hates me for it?“_

_“You're the parent now and you're not wrong for disciplining her. Especially, if she is going to be living with you from now on. You both need some structure and stability."_

_They talked for a few more minutes as Regina’s mind settled. Upon hanging up, she put the paper back in her pocket and went over the front door to put on her sandals. She had promised Emma they would stop and look at paint today during their errands. Mind more than full from their talk and the rest of the day ahead she opened the door and called to her niece._

 

::::::::::::::::::

 

_The many rows of rainbow colors seemed to have the child captivated. Regina watched as Emma took great joy in running small fingers over the many vivid cards in the paint aisle of Home-Depot. Eyes that had grown bright in their time together studied the different shades of purple, trying to decide. The two that had Emma’s focus now looked exactly the same to Regina, but somehow to Emma they were vastly different._

_"This one?" The little girl plucked the palest purple card from the shelf and held it possessively to her chest while hopping up and down._

_Regina smiled and adjusted her purse as she nodded approvingly. "That's a great choice." She encouraged remembering what the parenting book had said about praise and validation as she held out her hand for the card. At this movement Emma stopped._

_"Wait? Maybe not? I mean, maybe I want this one instead?" Emma bit her lip, once again undecided._

_Regina sighed, running a hand through her hair scattering loose curls into waves. They had already been on this aisle for an hour. She was trying her best to be patient, knowing that this was a big choice for a seven year old to make; what color to paint her bedroom._

_"Do they have wallpaper here? Where I used to live had paint, maybe I want wallpaper?"_

_Every statement sounded like a question to Regina. The child had no idea what she wanted._ ‘Maybe this wasn't such a good idea,’ _Regina thought._

_But all the books she had been reading about parenting had stressed the importance of a child having a sense of control through choices. For the most part this tactic seemed to work with Emma, but not all the time. Something was missing she had yet to figure out. It had been nearly four months since the girl had been left on her doorstep and they had both come a long way since that first night together. DPS and the police had been contacted the following morning and with the limited information Regina was able to give them, they were in an active search for the child's mother. Regina, as a blood relative, was made the girl’s temporary legal guardian._

_Nothing had been turned up yet though on Zelena and as time went on Regina began to doubt there would be unless her sister wanted to be found. Zelena was as hard to pin down as the wind._

_Meantime, Regina had made huge adjustments to her life. She thought about them now as she watched Emma go through the paint cards for the tenth time. She had taken a great deal of time off, rearranged her work schedule, routines and attitude about this new situation. Every day when the least little bit of doubt entered her mind over her ability to be the stand in parent needed, Emma would do or say something to send that feeling into hiding for a little while. But it was still there eating away at her heart. Still, overall the child was a delightful brilliance that filled her life. Everything felt different, so wonderfully different that Regina had not even realized a lot of things; mostly how lonely she had been and the monotony of her routine until it had changed._

_There was a constant supervision needed that Regina had never even thought about before, having only herself to worry about in the past. Her evening news was replaced with cartoons, her breakfast of coffee was swapped with apple juice and apple butter on everything. Toys were littered through every available room in her once immaculate home. There was homework and bed time to worry about. And if little teeth were brushed and hair combed before bed._

_She was learning a lot too. Like how to do voices for the various characters in the comics she learned Emma liked. How Emma’s favorite color was a tie between yellow and purple, but red was a close third. Also, how different Emma seemed to be from other children she worked with, but she attributed that to the life Emma had before. Slowly more and more of that mystery was being revealed in small moments of sharing between them. Regina’s whole world shifted and yet it felt more complete now than it had before._

_She was more complete._

_And in that completeness and the little face scrunched in thought next to her Regina felt the need to do everything right. Emma deserved that from her, but lately she felt like she was failing. Nearly every day and sometimes multiple times a day Emma had a fit of some kind. There was no pattern or reason to them she had been able to pinpoint directly, but she was learning the signs of one starting. They seemed like tantrums though not at the same time and she had no idea what to do when they happened. She had certainly tried everything the books had suggested, but nothing worked._

_"I don't know what to pick? Do I pick this purple, or this purple or purple wallpaper?" Emma rattled off the list on her fingers in a whisper._

_And Regina looked at her watch. "We can come back another day if you need more time to think about it Emma. We can bring the cards with us too so you have them to consider. Besides, it's getting late and we still have more errands to run." She reminded gently._

_Emma's face contorted. "But I don't know yet.”_

_And Regina realized she said the wrong thing. Yet again._

_“I have to know first.” Emma stated. “You said this **first** , then other stores.” Hands hugged the paint cards to a chest as cheeks began to turn pink._

_There it was again, the start of a fit and Regina tried to soothe right away. "It's better for you not to be rushed into choosing something you may later be unhappy with. Now we really should go Emma. We will come back later this week. I promise." She explained, now reaching out her hand for the child to take._

_Emma’s head shook and the girl took a step backwards, hugging her middle tighter. "I don't WANT to go now. I have to pick first!” She was whining more loudly now. When Regina shook her head, Emma’s foot stomped. Red lips pursed as the white sandal made another loud thump on the concrete as the protest approached tantrum level._

_Leaning down, Regina cupped a chin as she tried to validate and redirect just like the book said. "I see that this idea upsets you a lot. We will come back later, but now we need to leave." She stated, taking the child's hand and leading away from the paint samples._

_Emma pulled back on her hand knocking back into a display of paintbrushes sending several to fall to the floor. Regina bent to pick them up as Emma whined shrilly. Ignoring the tone despite the stares from other shoppers the child was beginning to attract, Regina moved toward the front of the store. This and eyes on them only seemed to upset Emma more. Half of her wanted to give in. The other half heard Granny’s words not to on loop in her mind._

_Regina blushed at not being able to control a seven year old._ `Emma should be obeying me.' _She thought, and dark hair shook about her shoulders again for the plaguing voice from the past in her head not her own. Emma was upset and showing her so, and while that was okay, how it was being shown is what she needed to remedy._

_Regina stopped near the exit door when Emma went to her knees on the floor nearly tripping a passing woman with arms full of bags. Emma refused to move when prompted and Regina watched for a moment as the child continued the fit. More eyes turned on them and louder and louder Emma became. Wanting to get her niece to the car so she could begin to help the girl calm down she tried to lift Emma up, but the girl flopped like a wet fish back to the ground. Small but scrappy Emma continued to curl and shriek in a repetitive manner that Regina would have found odd had she not been right in the middle of trying to soothe it. And in that moment she realized she was going about it all wrong. Soothing is not what Emma needed this moment. Emma needed her to take back control when the girl was so clearly out of it._

_Taking a deep breath and checking in with herself, Regina made a decision. She carefully pulled Emma up close about the waist. Cupping her palm, she gave one firm pat to the seat of the girl’s pants. Emma stopped the shrill shrieking immediately as if woken from a trance._

_Their eyes met._

_Then tears welled in those two green eyes looking up at her and then they overflowed. Tears first time present on those two cheeks Regina had yet to see and her niece went still, leaning heavily against her. And then Emma reached up to be held. Regina closed her eyes for a moment. This was different than she had been expecting. To her surprise she didn't feel any aversion over her action. With more confidence Regina said nothing as she bent down and lifted the subdued child to her hip and headed out towards the car._

_Once at the Mercedes Regina got her sniffling niece settled into the back seat right on her lap. Door closed and in the quiet small space she began to explain her action. "When I tell you to do something I need for you to listen. Having a fit in the middle of the store because you are not getting your way is not the way I expect you to behave."_

_A hiccup sounded as Emma snuggled in closer. "But I didn’t mean to.”_

_“Oh?”_

_Blonde curls shook. “I didn’t Aun’ Regina.”_

_Those words seemed sincere; however they did not match the level of upset displayed. Regina was torn in what to believe. Emma was seven; should long have outgrown such fits especially over something like this. But the strained and tired look on that little face said something else. She hesitated in further scolding, thinking she may need to do some research and inquires with colleagues in Emma’s emotional development. Doubt knocked against her temples and took her mind for a walk._

_The trance like state Emma had been in and the snap out of it at her redirection registered. Still, it had seemed to work. Emma was calm and sitting in her lap talking about what had happened. That had not happened before with anything else she had tried. This closeness too was new for both of them. Emma was not what one would consider an affectionate child, but in rare moments, ones Regina found herself wanting more of Emma allowed a cuddle or a hug. The tears were new too. She had never known a child to be so tightly controlled with them. Emma had not cried yet. At all. All children cried though, or so she thought, but not Emma and not easily it seemed. Newness in a few things today made her mind run laps since her action and Regina wondered over them._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_"I’m sorry, too.” Regina added, realizing she had missed a step she needed to fix now._

_Her niece’s head popped up. “Huh?”_

_“I’m sorry because I should have explained why before." Regina corrected and continued when Emma’s brows scrunched in confusion. “I gave you a swat to your bottom with my palm to get your attention that you needed to listen to me. You were having a tantrum and that is not acceptable behavior to show me you want or do not want to do something.” She lifted Emma’s chin up. “You and I will talk about the things we are feeling going forward. We will talk about the things we want and do not want with words. Not with yelling or stomping our feet. Do you understand that?"_

_“Yes Aunt Regina.” Emma seemed to calm further with that expectation before hugging her tighter._

_And she wondered if Granny had been on to something after all. "I'm glad you do, because I want us to be able to get along and for that to happen there are some rules you have to follow.”_

_“What rules?”_

_“A few basic ones we have talked some about already, but we will sit down and list them together when we get home and what will happen if they do not get followed. That way you know what to expect. We can put a copy in your room and on the fridge down stairs to help you remember. How does that sound?”_

_“Good.” Emma rubbed an eye. “But sometimes words are hard.” There was kind of relief in that voice and Regina thought she had said the right thing._

_“They can be.” Regina agreed. “But words also have power. When used to explain how we are thinking or feeling they have a power that helps the other person understand us better.” She repeated the words she had read in her father’s journal. Ones she had come to hold as her belief, especially when she had been in the early part of her healing journey and talking in therapy had been less than easy. Regina imagined his voice; a deep velvet husk saying them in her mind and like always she longed to know the man she had never met, but felt she knew through his written word better than she knew herself sometimes._

_“Powers like superhero powers?”_

_Remembering Emma’s love for comics, Regina nodded getting an idea. “Exactly like that. In fact, how about we make that our superpower. Using our words together, even if it’s hard to do. Will you try for me?”_

_“You’ll try too?”_

_“I will try too.” Promising as Emma nodded under her chin. Regina held tighter with a kiss to the crown of a head. This was a first for them and turning out better than she had hoped. Clear expectations and follow through had gotten them this close moment of understanding. Granny had been right after all. Lingering there in affection Regina rested her cheek against Emma’s head. “I love you Emma, just don't fight me so hard on that one alright?"_

_Suddenly Emma turned around in her lap so they were sitting heart to heart. Teeth found a pink lower lip to bite in a look Regina now recognized as a habit whenever Emma had hard question to ask. They were so close to each other in that moment. Regina reached out a hand and smoothed back the girl's hair from damp cheeks, noticing that this was the first time that action had not caused Emma to pull away. At this gentle affection Emma wrapped arms tight around her neck._

_"Promise?"_

_"What exactly do you want me to promise you, sweetheart?" Regina asked._

_"Promise you won't leave me like Ma did. You can't now no matter what cause' you love me. Ma didn't say that, but you did, so now you have to keep me. Like in our book."_

_That solemn voice held so much need and trust in those words that Regina was amazed they were coming from such a tiny little girl. They had read_ The Little Prince _cover to cover so many times Emma could quote long parts of it from memory. A talent for memorization Emma seemed to have with some focused support had helped the catch up process in school. Emma was still a year behind her peers in most subjects, but had shown significant growth that Regina knew the girl would catch up sooner rather than later as she had originally worried._

_“Like what the fox said about that word that means ties—tamed.” Emma seemed to think about that for a moment. “He said you become responsible for whatever you have tamed. Like the Little Prince and the fox. They need each other.”_

_“And maybe I need you.” Regina said hoping Emma would be able to make the connection. “Have you thought about that? The idea that maybe we need each other in that same way?” Emma responded by burrowing into her neck and Regina pulled her close, kissing the top of a head again. She surprised herself with the easy affection happening right now between them. Emma did that to her. Made it easy to feel these new feelings taking over her heart. "I promise. You don't have to ever worry or be afraid about that. I will never leave you. Not ever on purpose." The doubt she had been battling with began to dissolve. Maybe she was enough for Emma after all._

_Emma shifted on her lap causing the paper in her pocket to crinkle. That folded paper a reminder of her momentary weakness. One she knew she would not forgive herself for so easily, but in its own way had been necessary to show her that she did have it in her to be the parent Emma needed her to be. She hoped one day, maybe one special day, Emma would see her as more than Aunt Regina…_

 

 

A quick movement jolted Regina from memory. A sandy colored rabbit caught her eye as it made a mad dash across the open front yard to safety under a shrub. She took another shallow sip of her wine, allowing the rich flavors to tease her tongue before swallowing. Another noise caused Regina to startle suddenly as her mind cleared that distant memory away. The golden liquid in her long stemmed glass sloshed around inside of its enclosure nearly spilling out over the rim as her mind returned fully to the present. Emma stood in the front doorway to her left, leaning against the frame with arms crossed. Green eyes studied the floor. She watched her daughter slowly extended a foot out in front and traced an unknown pattern on the porch with a big toe. She set her wine on the table nearby and waited.

Emma lifted her chin gazing out over the yard and finally she turned her head, eyes coming to rest on her Mom's face. A ringed hand patted the empty space on the swing. Wordlessly, she walked over from the mere expectation and slipped into the spot on the bench next to Regina. A comforting arm came around her shoulders.

Regina gently pulled the child closer afraid for just a moment the girl would pull away from her touch, but Emma leaned in to take her finger where her cameo ring was to hold and even rested a head near her heart. They sat in silence for a long time, each deep in their own thoughts. Emma was the first to break the stillness.

"I'm sorry about your pearls.” Beginning to share the words she had spent the afternoon searching for. “I was just so mad at you and confused."

"You have every right to be upset with me Emma. I’m mad at me too.” Regina began the conversation she had been preparing for, ignoring the pearl issue entirely. “I need you to try and understand something and this is hard for me to say because it reminds me of things about myself, how I used to be, that I’d rather forget.” With Emma’s willingness to listen she continued. “I was a different person back when you first came to live with me. I was used to my life being a certain way and I really struggled to make sure I was doing right by you. I didn’t know how to be a parent and I made some mistakes I am not proud of.” She turned her head so she could read Emma's face as she continued. "That form came in a pack of paper I had gotten from the judge at your guardianship hearing. One I am still sick with myself over having even thought about back then. It was before my promise to never leave you.”

“Why did you promise if you were thinking that then?”

Taking a hand in hers Regina made sure she had Emma’s eyes before speaking. “Because it was exactly that; a thought in a weak moment. It was not and is not what I feel. I promised because I love you. You are everything in this world to me. Back then, I was so scared I wouldn't be able to raise you the way you deserved to be Emma. You deserve everything good and perfect in this world. You already know that your mother and I didn't have the best upbringing. I wanted to be nothing like my Mother and stepfather and that is why I ran away when I was young and have had no contact with them. They did not know how to love very well.”

“Like Ma?”

“Somewhat like your Ma, yes baby.” Regina squeezed that hand and was grateful Emma squeezed right back. “I was afraid for a time that I would somehow end up like them; not knowing how to love very well and I have spent a good part of my life making sure I did not repeat their mistakes.” Three years ago, she had not been proud of herself and she had punished herself mentally for a long time afterward. That's was why she kept that form locked up under a hideaway shelf in her vanity. It served as a silent reminder to be strong in times of doubt and trial.

Emma had not thought about that. Any of it, but hearing those fears from her Mom suddenly helped some things make sense. This was the most her Mom had ever shared about a past she longed to better understand. Every time Emma asked the conversation was shut down or shifted. She focused on her Mom’s eyes then. Amber ones were red at the edges, like her own were red from crying earlier. That meant this was hard for her Mom to talk about, just like it was hard for her to talk about her past too. That somehow made this hard thing they were talking about together easier.

“I like how you love me.” Simple and exactly what Emma felt.

But she was still a little confused. Her Mom was Superwoman. Never seemed to be afraid of anything. Always strong and so sure about everything that Emma wasn’t sure what she felt about this revel. But then she remembered back to that particular promise made one afternoon in the back seat of the car when she had been told she was loved. Then she remembered her actions that day and the talk they had about the power of words. Her Mom really was Superwoman, she decided, back then and now. Better than any hero in her comic books. And suddenly Emma felt… the word would not come, but other ones around it did.

“You had to change a lot of stuff. You gave up so much for me."

Regina shook her head, as she gave Emma’s shoulder a gentle squeeze along with a kiss to a temple. "No, I gained so much because of you baby and let’s get one other matter clear; no matter what you say about it, you are _my_ _baby_.” Remembering back to Emma’s earlier comment.

A nose wrinkled. “Even when I’m fifty.”

 “Especially when you’re fifty.” A chuckle. “You and I are in this together for life. We tamed each other and that’s how it works.”

“Will you read me that chapter tonight? I want to hear it again.”

“Tonight and every night as long as you’ll let me.” Regina smiled softly. “And I wouldn't change anything about us finding each other. I only wish it could have been under better circumstances." Now frowning thoughtfully as she remembered that first day all over again. Then asking. “Will you forgive me for the form?”

 “I already did Mom.” And Emma had the moment she stepped out on the porch and the love in these eyes found hers. “I just needed to understand why.”

They were quiet for awhile. The only sounds were the faint creaking of the bench swing as they continued to rock and from the crickets beginning to sing. As darkness began to settle in Emma spoke again.

"Am I in trouble for breaking your pearls?" Asked in a teasing fashion she was learning to do and yawning as she snuggled closer into those strong arms.

The corner of Regina’s mouth turned up, using her free hand to tickle Emma's ribs until the child erupted in a fit of giggles. "I suppose that this one time it can be overlooked." Laughing as she teased right back, she reached over in jest and gave the girl's bottom a playful tap before they lost themselves in an all out tickle war. They laughed together till their sides ached for relief and they had happy tears blooming on their lower lashes.

Regina leaned forward and kissed the top of her daughter’s head as Emma settled back into her arms again and they watched the street lights come on in the distance. A few playing children scurried into the house up the road at their mother's insistence as the rim of the sun said good night by tucking below the horizon. It was under the first twinkle of those stars in the early night that all was as it should be for a moment, and that moment tying them together as mother and daughter is all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – So *much* I wanted to convey in this chapter from both of them and I hope it came through. Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for reading.
> 
> Next time – Emma learns just how big her Mom’s heart is. Regina goes on a date and Emma tags along.


	12. The Look

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Some foreshadowing ahead of a few plot points. So far there has been a heavy focus on Emma’s development, now we get a bit more insight into Regina’s too, but still plenty of Emma's.
> 
> *Please note* This chapter and a few after will mention and have small scenes focusing on Regina’s developing relationship with her friend Mal. -see updated tags - There will be light PDA—characterization for Regina’s development for a plot point coming—but no sex in this story. If this bugs you then skip over those parts. That being said the focal point of the story remains on Regina and Emma.

**Chapter 12 - The** **Look**

**:::::::::::::::::**

 

The winding stone path from the driveway gate was illuminated by a row of small lights on either side of the couple’s feet as they walked. Hand in hand, they went up to the path to the front steps of the two level home. Older and taller of the two, the woman squeezed the hand she was holding gently as she thought about their night, the romantic dinner, the concert, and the long drive back here.

So much had changed between them since January on the courthouse steps. Little by little they had begun reconnecting. Small at first; like meeting for coffee before work or a phone call during lunch. Then a lunch out or more recently a dinner. Now they were casually dating or she thought they might be. Maybe. It had yet to be defined. Mal purposely walked slower, savoring the warm night with the woman beside her. The corner of her mouth turned up as Regina’s fingers interlaced with her own more intimately. Their hands swung gently to the rhythm of a soft humming; the last song that had been sung at the concert by KT Tunstall now passed through red lips.

"You've been humming that tune for the last ten minutes," Turning, Mal’s blue eyes took in the profile of her date. The sweet curves of Regina’s face and neck drew her eyes lower to red lips parting and then back up again. "What is it about the music that touches you so?"

Regina lowered her thick lashes smiling to herself as her humming trailed off. "Music has always been very personal for me. The passion and spirit of the artist. The music, the words just fill me and take me over.”

“That song though… I get the feeling that is particularly important in some way to you.”

“It actually reminds me of someone I wish I could forget.” Meeting those eyes in knowing and then Regina looked away when she got a nod of understanding. Mal had been invaluable with helping her navigating the legal system to make sure the debt owed her was paid to the maximum extent of the law. But still, that payment had not been enough. Not when she had lost a piece of herself in the process. When _he_ happened she felt like she had fallen into the abyss of herself.

“I wish you could too.”

Regina shook her head to clear that night from her mind and frowned thoughtfully remembering the first time she had heard it. “But that song came into my life when I needed it. When I felt like I was trying to find my way in the dark when I was lost within myself. It gave me hope that I would find the light again. Emma needed me and there was only so long I could let myself be in such a state. Music is like that for me." The right time and the right place it had registered and gave her the strength in the moment to pick herself up and keep going.

They stood still once they had reached the front door of her home. Regina reached into her small beaded handbag for her keys. Unlocking the security door and then the main one, she stepped inside only to be instantly bombarded by her daughter's arms around her waist. Not expecting such a welcome Regina stepped back as she encircled Emma in her arms. "Sweetheart, you're supposed to be in bed. Where's Ashley?" Regina asked, looking about for the sitter.

Emma inhaled deeply the fiery scent of _Opium_ , her mother's perfume as she pulled back to look up. “You’re home! You were gone forever.”

Forever in Emma’s world being more than a few hours and Regina chuckled. Her long layered hair cascaded over one shoulder brushing Emma’s cheek as their eyes met. A moment later her question was answered as she spied an out of breath teenager at the top of the grand staircase.

"There you are silly! I said it was time for…" Ashley stopped, realizing that Regina had come home early. "Sorry, Ms. Mills. I tried to get her to bed on time." Apologetically, Ashley hurried down the stairs and smiled as she continued. "But Emma here decided last minute to play hide and seek. I was never very good at that game."

Behind them Mal closed the door, chuckling quietly to herself before she came to stand near Regina.

"Oh, is that so," Regina ran her fingers through loose blonde curls as Emma smiled impishly at her. Pretending to be serious she played along. "Well then I think I know one little girl whose going to be wishing she had stayed hidden." Catching Emma by surprise, she quickly attacked ribs with her fingers tickling mercilessly until Emma collapsed begging and laughing to the floor at her feet.

"Okay—Okay! Mom—stop!" Out of breath and her cheeks turning pink, Emma reached up to take the hand offered and stood.

"Alright baby, time for bed. Say good night and thank you to Ashley and go on up. I'll be there soon to tuck you in." Regina leaned forward and kissed the top of Emma’s head as she gave a gentle nudge in the right direction of the stairs.

"Thanks Ashley. Good night Ms. Dracon." Yawning, Emma hurried up the steps.

Regina paid Ashley and together the two adults watched as the young woman crossed the street to house down the block. With Ashley safely home and Emma upstairs they were now alone. Regina finally set down her things and walked over to the living room sofa. Suddenly tired she sat on the end, slipping off her sandals and tucking her feet up under her. Mal followed and sat close.

"You spoke to her about calling me Mal, Regina?" Asked in a tone soft and wondering.

Regina sighed. "I did, but Emma can be very particular about certain things and I raised her to address adults formally. Even with my permission she doesn't feel right calling an adult by their first name. She will come around, but for now this is where she is at."

Nodding, Mal certainly understood the reasoning, but part of her longed to hear something more warm from a child she was growing quite fond of. Regina had sought out her help with the adoption of Emma and since that first meeting she had been charmed by the little girl. She had hoped Emma would start to be more friendly—just a little, but knew that would take time in part due to how Emma processed things. Mal thought about the girl’s past; all the trials and tribulations the child had faced and would continue to face because of a mentally ill alcoholic. But Regina had changed the course of Emma’s life. And that love and commitment Regina had for Emma was one of things Mal loved the most about the woman sitting next to her.

"Do you ever wonder if she…" Mal stopped as her concern registered a tight look across Regina's features.

Reading those unsaid words Regina nodded. "I worry and wonder all the time about Emma’s future.” She paused a brief moment digging within herself for her feelings, something she often required of Emma and was just getting better at herself, before she continued. "I see her now, even though she is nearly eleven, as such a little girl. Her temperament, some of her behaviors are still very juvenile, even with the progress in her therapy. I do my best not to enable some of those behaviors I know she can help, but some of them she can’t because she went without the most basic of her needs being met before she came to me. I won’t deny her what she needs no matter where we are or who is around. Not everyone understands that. And that has made things more challenging than need be for us some of the time."

"And that must be frustrating.” Agreeing Mal thought for a moment before continuing. “You get Emma in a way no one else does and that is incredibly special. You have done wonders with her Regina. She’s a different child since the first time I met her.” Then reaching a hand to rest on the jittering knee next to her. Mal met brown eyes sensing just where that mind gone away to. “I know you are still adjusting to her diagnosis and healing from your sister’s death, but you can't blame yourself for things you had no control over to begin with.”

At how easily she had been read, Regina shook her head. “Emma is my responsibility.”

“She is now, but before that. In the beginning, your sister left you with an emotionally and physically hurt little girl, her autism aside. And you saved Emma’s life in every way. There's no fault in that to be had. No guilt you own over the matter." Mal tried her best to explain her feelings on a matter they had more than once discussed the last several months; Regina’s guilt complex that shouldn’t be one. But Regina was Regina and did not open up so easily to explain these feelings. Mal sighed again. Regina’s brows were knit in thought, but red lips were pursed in such a way that she knew only some of her words had registered. In truth Mal knew she lacked the familiarity of what Regina was actually going through. But she wanted that familiarity and she suspected Regina did too.

Regina tried a small smile, moving her eyes to her hands folded neatly in her lap. Then she moved to rest hers over Mal’s. She took a breath before meeting that gaze once more. "I'm not blaming myself for Emma’s past or her condition…” Conceding for the eyebrow Mal lifted in question and rolling her eyes fondly in admission. “Alright, not entirely anyway. I'm just being a Mom. Worry is a built in mechanism you don't choose. You just… do it." She smiled a bit bigger this time showing her straight white teeth. “I love how much you care about both of us and I know I am not the best at letting you show that, but this is me trying.”

Mal felt a smile tickle her lips, giving the hand in hers a gentle squeeze. "I see that and speaking of trying. There is a new restaurant I am dying to take you both to next week for your birthday.”

“What’s wrong with going to Granny’s like we already talked about?”

“Nothing, of course.” Mal said. “I just thought for the occasion you might like to go somewhere different.”

Regina mulled it over liking the idea very much. She and Emma rarely went out to eat and if they did it was always Granny’s. But going somewhere different always involved a lot of prep if she took Emma, especially to eat. That’s why she kept the routine of eating and shopping to known places and if she wanted to go somewhere new on an errand she left Emma with Granny or Ashley if there was not time to prepare her daughter ahead of time. Still it was her birthday and she wanted to do something a little special and Mal again picked up on her thoughts easily.

“Is there another reason you are hesitant to try a new place?”

“Eating out with Emma anywhere new can be an unpredictable adventure at best.” Regina explained.

Smiling. “Then it’s a good thing I’m the adventurous type and we can certainly make it predictable for her. What do we need to do?”

Regina blinked at the easy answer and began to smile as she explained the details. She watched for any sign that her instructions were too much. “If you can do that, then I will prepare Emma.”

“I will and I’m really looking forward to spending time with you both.” The smile from Regina made her heart beat quicker. Going between amber eyes. “I love us like this, together. You, smiling and happy. It becomes you." She moved closer.

Regina felt a warm tingling rush flood where Mal’s other hand rested oh so gently on her arm. She turned fully bringing her hand up to a shoulder. Mal lifted her chin, their lips so close. She closed her eyes, leaning in.

_"Mom?"_ Emma's muffled call from upstairs fizzled the spark crossing between the two adults.

Regina moved back, licking her un-kissed lips as she stood up. Calling. "I'm coming baby." She turned back to Mal while smoothing her skirt. “I should go say good night to her. I'll be right back."

Easy and knowing the other reason Regina was moving away, Mal leaned back against the couch and crossed her legs. "Tell her the same for me and take your time. I'll just be right here waiting." Mal ran her hands through her hair; the thick strands catching the light gave her a sultry glow just then.

_‘Yes, you will.’_ Regina thought to herself as she ascended the stairs.

Always Mal had been so patient with her need to move slow. But Regina feared maybe it was too slow for both of them. The brakes she had put on their relationship more than once was something that bothered her. She wanted Mal and Mal wanted her. It should be simple, but it wasn’t between them in the least. Especially since Emma was and would remain her number one priority, no matter the other relationships she had or would have in life. Her daughter came first. Mal seemed to understand that, but Regina wasn’t so sure yet.

She was sure of one thing though. Regina knew in the most private intimate part of her heart, the part of her that had lain dormant in the hope of a lover for so long, that Mal always would be waiting for her. The question for Regina was just how long that wait was to be.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The bright morning sun streamed through the crack in the drapes and onto the curled up body under the silk duvet. The bed’s occupant slept deeply even as the sun warmed the bare skin peeking out from the top of the blanket.

Across the large room the gold knob slowly turned and the door was pushed quietly open to allow a pair of peering green eyes to settle on the room. On tiptoe Emma crept across her Mom's room and over to the edge of the sleigh bed. Taking a small, carefully wrapped box from under her arm she slowly tried to slip it beneath a pillow only to freeze as brown eyes opened.

"Emma, baby… What time is it?” Regina murmured and lifted the covers. Her daughter crawled in and snuggled up. She wrapped an arm around Emma and kissed the back of a blonde head.

"7:30 and I couldn’t sleep anymore because I wanted to surprise you." Emma savored the cuddle for moment before her excitement took over and she wiggled around under the covers to turn and face her Mom.

“A surprise, huh?” Sleepy, the corner of Regina’s mouth turned up like her voice did at the end.

“Uh-huh, but you have to do something first.” Emma teased with a smile as her Mom’s thumb ran along her cheek.

A dark brow rose playfully in question as she let out a small laugh at Emma’s face knowing what was coming. “Oh?”

“Brush your teeth.”

Regina sat halfway up on her elbow, pulling Emma closer with her other arm. “You mean you don’t like my morning breath? This breath? What’s not to like?” And she made a game of breathing on Emma as giggles filled the room.

“M-o-m!”

“That’s what you get for waking me up early and your breath is just as fragrant as mine.”

“Nuh-uh.” Emma assured confidently. “Mine smells like apple butter. That’s what you always tell me.”

“Because you eat a near jar of it everyday.”

“Cause it’s good.” Emma sat up in bed as her Mom started to do the same. “Cinnamon toast today?”

“It’s Saturday, so yes. Eggs too or turkey bacon?”

Emma’s nose wrinkled.

“You need a protein. Which one?” As Regina sat up fully she wrapped her arm around Emma's shoulders and gave her daughter a kiss.

“Bacon please, but first I have something for you.” She waved the box she was holding, smiling bigger as she continued. "Happy Birthday, Mom! I made this for you."

"What a nice treat to wake up too." Regina exclaimed, taking the offered box. She playfully gave it a shake that made Emma’s grin grow. Tugging gently at the taped edges of the red balloon covered wrapping paper, she worked the paper off to reveal a handmade clay pot decorated with painted red apples, her favorite fruit. Carefully she turned it around and over taking in all the tiny details. "You made this?"

"Yeah in art class last week. But there's more, open it." Emma watched anxiously as Regina opened the top of the pot and pulled out a red and purple beaded bracelet complete with a tiny silver clasp. "Ashley taught me how to make this and we finished it last night. Mom?" Emma asked as brown eyes got misty, unsure of why the wetness was there. "Don't you like it?"

"I love it Emma, both of them. Thank you baby." Regina smiled, giving a hug before slipping on the bracelet. "This will also go perfectly with my dress for tonight when we all go to dinner."

"We all?" Emma questioned pulling back from her Mom's arms. Always, it had just been the two of them for birthdays and holidays. Emma had never imagined it would be any other way. She felt her tummy tighten with the idea of change.

"Remember when we talked about the week ahead and the calendar on Monday morning? I told you that Mal wanted to take us out for my birthday." Regina explained, understanding the hint of anxiety brimming in Emma's eyes, but not the other thing she couldn’t identify.

Emma bit her lip trying to find her words. Her Mom waited a minute and rubbed her back while she thought. That helped. "But I thought you meant that she wanted to take _you_ out and I thought that was _last_ week.” Then the hard feeling she did not have a name for crept in. She had felt this once before when her Mom and Mal had come home from the concert. Remembering what her Mom had said about using words to say what she wanted and did not want, Emma tried to say so. “I don't want her to come with us tonight. It's our night.” She crossed her arms in a hugging fashion over her stomach.

Regina lifted Emma's chin with a finger. “Look at me please.” Prompting and redirecting. "I hear that you are unhappy with this idea and I am sorry if you misunderstood me earlier. However, we will be going out tonight all together and we will have a good time. Mal really wants to get to know you better and it would be nice if you would think about giving her a chance. I won't push you on that matter and that's all I'll say about it, okay?"

Emma pulled her chin away, sighing deeply and grumbling to herself, but she was not let off the hook that easily.

"Answer me please."

Relenting Emma picked at the discarded wrapping paper as she considered her Mom’s words. “Okay. I'll try." She then leaned into the kiss from lips that lingered on her forehead as she tried to figure out how to do just that.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The small and trendy downtown Italian restaurant was crowded. Mal had selected this particular restaurant for its decadent wine list, a sure win with Regina, and because she knew Emma liked Italian food. Regina had said Emma was a picky eater and so she hoped this menu would be at least appealing. Reservations had been made last week in advance along with another special purchase.

The evening started out unexpectedly with Regina’s Mercedes deciding not to start. Mal tinkered under the hood and determined the culprit to be a dead battery. Instead they had to take her truck if they wanted to be on time for their reservation. It was easily big enough being a four door to accommodate them all comfortably. But the last minute switch had thrown Emma for a loop and Mal had watched as Regina stopped a trigger with a few magic words and patience before it even happened.

Mal smiled fondly at the way Emma’s eyes had lit up at the idea of riding so up high once the upset had passed. She had offered Emma a hand up into the back seat after helping Regina in. The girl had seemed upset again suddenly until Regina reminded about a talk had earlier. Mal was not sure what that had been about, but it seemed to settle Emma down. She glanced in the rear view mirror at a pair of green eyes watching her and wondered what the child was thinking.

After a long while listening of to the adults talk Emma eventually looked away and out the window as the truck pulled into the parking lot of the new restaurant. She didn’t like new places. Especially new places to eat. Her Mom had showed her the menu online and pictures of the restaurant this morning along with describing what to expect. That usually helped with going somewhere she had never been and if it was just her and her Mom she was usually okay. But going to a new place, in a new car, with Ms. Dracon or Mal as she was trying to get used to using was almost too much.

Her Mom had said it was going to be okay though. Okay like it was to try new things. Emma had said okay this morning when they talked, but right now she began to count the other cars to keep focused on something other than the cramps in her stomach.

The truck parked and she was helped down from the back seat. Then her hand was in her Mom’s hand. Emma kept her eyes on the bracelet her Mom wore. The special one she made and she began to relax. Holding this hand she could be okay for a little while. She was trying. For her Mom she was trying because it was her Mom’s birthday and a special day. Mal seemed special to her Mom too in a way Emma was still trying to understand.

Inside the crowded restaurant Emma lost that okay feeling entirely and pressed herself up tight against her Mom’s hip. There was music and people talking over each other in a way that made it hard to think. An arm came around her shoulder, holding her close and a warm husk of a tone came to be in her ear telling her what was going to happen next. Emma breathed easier at that, the cramped feeling leaving.

But then there was a problem with the booth they were supposed to have and the man in the suit at the reservation stand asked if they wanted a table instead. Emma frankly told him they did not want a table, but had to have a booth. Too loudly it seemed because people began to look at her again so she turned and hid her face in her Mom’s stomach. Then her hand was squeezed in a reassuring way that was their secret code that she was okay. That she was understood. She listened as Mal fixed it so they could have the booth she needed to have. Tables were too open and loud and in the middle of too much happening.

After a few minutes she was told they were going to sit in the booth over in the corner. The booth had a frosted glass wall between the connecting one. Emma liked that it did because when she sat on the inside corner next to her Mom with her back at the frosted glass she faced the brick of the restaurant wall across from her. That’s where Mal sat and Emma could pretend the room was not as full was it really was.

Regina eyed her daughter as she opened a menu and pointed to the pasta section to give Emma something to focus on. Her daughter’s anxiety had seemed to ease since sitting down. Mal asked her opinion on a white wine and as she looked over the list Emma began to fidget. “What’s wrong baby?” Asking to simply prompt and then she looked at the table where Emma pointed and realized the answer.

“It’s not right.” Emma’s brows knit tightly together. The cups were in the wrong place and so were the silverware and napkins and—

Another well practiced prompt. “And what would help make it right for you?”

Emma reached for her glass and moved it where it should be. Then she looked over at red lips as she reached for her Mom’s glass before she remembered to ask because sometimes people did not want their stuff touched or moved, even if it was in the _wrong_ spot. Emma was learning she should ask before she just did that and sometimes people would say yes and other times no. When they said no that was hard for her to accept, but asking helped her feel better about it. “Can I move them?”

“Your own and mine, yes you may.” Regina conceded and glanced at Mal who nodded. “And Mal’s too. Be careful with the glasses though.”

Emma lost the tension in her shoulders as she began to rearrange the silverware and glasses on the table to how they _should_ be—like they would be at home if she or her Mom set the table. All of them on the table Emma worked to get just right with such focus and intensity her tongue poked out from her lips in concentration.

The waiter came and went and returned with their drink order by the time Emma seemed satisfied. Regina glanced at Mal. The woman seemed un-phased, if a bit amused and kept the conversation on the topic of the concert they went to last week. They all toasted to her birthday and then the waiter arrived for their order.

“I was thinking we could start with the brie platter?” Mal looked up from the menu to Regina for approval.

“That sounds wonderful.” Then directly to the waiter scribbling on a notepad, Regina gave directions. “I need all the items on the brie platter separated and not touching or if that is not possible then put each item on a separate plate please…” Then she looked at Emma who was observing her in rapt attention. “Do you want chicken pasta with tomato or alfrado sauce baby?” Emma pointed to the menu item and Regina gave a nod to the waiter for Emma to speak. This was something they were working on while out; Emma ordering for herself, especially after she had shown how to with the appetizer. Her modeling an activity and having Emma repeat it was a tool they used a lot.

“I want the plain chicken not touching the alfrado with the pasta.”

Seeing the look of confusion on the waiter’s face and Emma’s in return over his, Regina reworded. “Plain pasta—no oil or butter. The alfrado sauce on the…” Waiting.

“On the side.” Emma finished remembering and perking up. She gained confidence as his pen moved as she further explained. “I like the chicken plain too and not touching the pasta. And no green stuff please.”

The young man paused. “Green stuff?”

“Mom what are the little green things called?”

“Chives or parsley.”

“Those.” Emma nodded. “I don’t want those or anything extra like that on the plate please.” Restaurants had a way of trying to make food presentation artistic and while her Mom seemed to appreciate it on meals, it would not suit Emma in the least.

The young man flipped a page on the order pad as the pen flew to keep up with what Emma had listed. For a moment Regina missed the ease of Granny’s when none of this needed to be explained. The wait staff knew them well there. At home or even at Granny’s diner she could control what and how food was presented without issue so that Emma would eat it. Food being a sensitive issue on its own for her daughter, they were working with Dr. Nolan on eating habits, but it was a slow process especially with Emma’s history and food growing up. But she knew continuing to introduce Emma to new environments and foods was an important part of her daughter’s growth. And in places where she could she always tipped generously for the accommodations made for them.

“Is there an allergy we need to know about?” The waiter asked.

“It’s my personal preference.” Emma deadpanned in a perfect mimic of her Mom’s tone when something seemed to need to be explained further. And then remembered the last part she was supposed to say. “Thanks.”

Regina smiled, happy to see Emma remembered to use the phrase they had practiced if questioned on her order. She had the waiter repeat the order back to her to make sure he got it right and finished up with her entrée as is and Mal chimed in before he left them alone.

The appetizer arrived soon enough and Emma accepted a small plate with a little bit of everything on it, but not touching. As she ate she noticed that Mal had taken a black velvet box from somewhere under the table with one hand and then reached to take her Mom’s. Emma's eyes narrowed, becoming immediately suspicious. She didn't trust easily, especially where adults were concerned. She chewed slowly, eyeing the way Mal was looking at her Mom. Like the faces adults made in the movies before they kissed or something gross like that.

"I found this in a little vintage shop near my office and I had to get it for you.” Mal began glancing at Emma with a grin as she rubbed her thumb gently along Regina's hand. "Happy birthday Regina." She opened the box and slipping a delicate gold cameo cuff around Regina’s small wrist. “To match your ring. I know how special it is to you and this reminded me of it.”

Emma swallowed as she felt her face warm. She didn't fully recognize the feeling that was overtaking her. All she knew was that she suddenly felt Mal's presence in her life, on this special day it was supposed to be just her and Mom, to be an invasion. She watched her Mom’s exhibit of gratitude and wrinkled her brow over it.

Regina's eyes widened at this unexpected gift. She smiled fingering the ideal combination to match her ring. "Thank you Mal. It's beautiful."

"Then it compliments you exquisitely." Mal admired not taking her eyes off how much Regina was beaming.

"I feel like a queen today being presented with such thoughtful gifts." Regina explained, fingering each of the two new bracelets. She tilted her head to the side loving this new possibility in her life and leaned forward in order to give Mal a peck on the cheek.

But at that same moment a small thud sounded followed by an, “Oops.” Emma's milk made a puddle in the middle of the table.

Regina turned quickly with her napkin as Mal did the same and she caught a brief flash of something hide behind Emma's eyes. She looked her daughter silently as Mal called their waiter to clean up the mess. Something was not right and if it was what she thought it was, talking to Emma now rather than later might be best. "Please excuse us a moment Mal." She scooted out of the booth to stand and held out her hand expectantly in wait.

Emma squirmed and began to make an excuse, but stopped abruptly at the serious look in her parent's eye that told she had better move it. She took that hand and followed behind Regina towards the entrance and outside into the little courtyard there off to the side of the main doors. In the open space breathing was easier and Emma leaned back up against the wall as she was watched from across the way. Tears slipped suddenly down her cheeks under that gaze and Regina sighed. A tissue was taken from her Mom’s purse. Then her chin was cupped and her eyes wiped.

"What was that about, hmm?” Regina asked and waited. When no answer was forthcoming she stood to her full height, keeping a hold of her daughter’s chin as those tears stopped as quickly as they had arrived. “I know that spill was not an accident, so it is no use keeping quiet about it.”

Emma shrugged one shoulder and crossed her arms over her middle. What she wanted to say would only get her in trouble she did not want to be in. What she needed to say; those words were not here yet.

“Something's bothering you and I need you to try and tell me what it is so we can talk and I can help make it better." Regina coaxed her tone unwavering; one that left no room for shrugs or half truths, but still Emma found a tiny bit of wiggle room it seemed.

"I'm just tired. Leave me alone about it." She said in a way that must have sounded too much like a whine for her Mom’s liking. This feeling was beginning to spill out of her and Emma did not want it to right now because she still did not understand what it was.

"Tone Emma." Regina gently warned. "Tired or not you know making a mess like that to get my attention is not the way to do it. We have steps for that in place don’t we?”

Squirming. “Yeah.”

“And what are they?”

“Counting and breathing first.”

Regina nodded once. “And if those don’t work?”

“Then take a break and step away.” Emma said and crossed her arms. “And then if I can’t calm down, tell you or another adult what’s wrong.”

“And did you attempt to self regulate before choosing to spill your milk?”

“No.”

“Why not?” Patient and coaxing, Regina waited.

One shoulder popped up and right back down again.

“Emma.”

“It was easier not to.”

“Which is exactly why we are out here. You needed a moment to reflect on your choices. You certainly know better and in this case were more than capable to at least try the first few steps instead of choosing to make a mess to show me something was wrong.”

Emma's eyes welled up again under that reproach and she nodded lowering her gaze. She said nothing as her chin was finally let go of. She watched her Mom watching her.

Regina took a deep breath and tucked a stray strand of hair behind Emma’s ear. "We’ll talk more about this at home later, but for now when we go back out there I want you to try your best to use your steps if you need them. No more messes to get my attention. Am I making myself perfectly clear?"

Nothing but shuffling feet.

“Emma?”

“Yes, okay.”

"Alright then, let's go." Regina instructed, her brief upset leaving as she wrapped her arm comfortingly around those small shoulders. Emma leaned into her touch as they walked back to the table. Mal stood as they approached and until after they had both sat back down.

"Everything alright?" Mal asked.

Regina put a new napkin the waiter had left back in her lap. "We just needed a little heart to heart.”

Emma nodded in silent agreement with her Mom’s words, taking a bite of her appetizer. This way she wouldn't have to comment as she fought the words she was thinking for the woman across from her in the booth. A woman who was beginning to take a piece of her Mom’s heart away.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"Mom.” Emma started as she was pulled along up the stone walkway. She looked over her shoulder at Mal following quickly behind them carrying their coats and wrapped leftovers. Once in the house she was led toward the stairs. "Mom I’m sorry.”

Regina shook her head and paused at the base of the stairs, her eyes going from Mal to her daughter as she tried to regain her patience. "You do not have the right to speak like that, especially to an adult or to anyone for that matter."

Being the adult in question Emma had spoken to, Mal stood by watching the scene unfold between mom and daughter. She had always had a deep respect for the way Regina chose to raise Emma knowing the type of behavior the girl had been displaying since the milk spill was not tolerated. Still, she felt for them both in different ways. For Emma who was obviously struggling with something not being said and for Regina whose birthday had not gone as expected.

"But Mommy…” A heated whisper.

Regina sighed, running her hand through her hair as the plea to be understood when she did not understand why Emma was acting up pulled on her heart. It was always _Mommy_ when Emma knew she was in trouble and Mom for everything else. "First I want you to apologize to Mal and then go on upstairs to my room and sit on the bed. I'll be up to finish our discussion in a few minutes." Knowing her space sometimes had a more calming effect on Emma than the girl’s room.

“Time out?”

“No, just to wait for me. I want to talk to you first.” Clear that this was not a consequence, but that her daughter was not off the hook for one either.

Emma frowned and mumbled. Then tried to bolt for the stairs, but was caught by the hand and pulled back.

"One more time Emma." Regina patiently reminded placing her hand between those small shoulder blades and guiding the girl gently forward to face Mal.

A huff. Then meeting blue eyes Emma spoke. “I shouldn’t have been rude to you or called you a name.” Pink faced, she whispered the last few words with an edge in her voice. She turned to look over her shoulder to see if she could be done and she saw the raised brow. The look that told her she was walking a very fine line. Then Emma turned back around and with more sincerity tried again. “I’m sorry.” And she squirmed finding she actually meant it.

Mal nodded, quietly accepting the apology.

Emma looked over her shoulder again for her Mom’s approval. Regina’s chin dipped and she took off up the stairs anxious to get away from her embarrassment and the adults for the moment.

Staring after her daughter, Regina watched the last edge of the girl’s heels disappear up the staircase. She crossed her arms and turned fully to Mal eyeing her sadly. They had had such a lovely time in the beginning and for the evening of her birthday to end this way had her sighing deeply. Mal had been so perfect through everything. "I should get up to her…" Regina began and Mal smiled so sweetly full of understanding as an arm slipped around her waist, drawing her into a hug she did not realize she needed. As Mal neared those soft full lips brushed her forehead, too. Regina closed her eyes completely melting as waves of warm tingles flushed all over her body. There was no reservation, no second thoughts about being vulnerable just then. She so badly just needed to be held in these arms that accepted all of her.

Mal could feel Regina’s skin blush under her touch. She let her lips linger tenderly a moment longer before drawing back, so she could just look at the woman in her arms. Bringing her hand up, it began to surf the black sea of hair around Regina's shoulders.

Regina opened her eyes, now glassy, and stared up into blue pools she wanted to dive right into for the promise they held to make sure she would remain floating. That was a look she was not used to; more than a life vest, this was an open invitation on a boat tucked into a safe harbor. She settled under that look and inhaled deeply the scent of lavender and mint, a soothing mixture; fresh, soft, and bold all at once. Mal was irresistible.

Almost.

"I can't." Regina’s words said one thing, but her body said another. Her mind began to fight with her pounding heart as Mal started to ease back to give her space. But she did not want space. "I want us to be together. I thought I was ready, but I just can't right now. Please, don't ask me yet." Breath hot and burning in Mal’s ear. “Because when you do I want to be able to say yes.” She clung, pulling Mal back in so tight and fierce as if she just might slip right through if she didn't hold on.

Mal held Regina close, gently kissing near an ear and pushing back a wet heat wanting to fall behind her eyes. Patient and she would continue to be, but she also needed to reassure of something else. She tucked her chin over Regina's head and swayed slowly back and forth. "When you are ready, I’m here. We can have something wonderful together Regina. I just need you to trust me and regardless of what you decide I am your friend, always."

Regina nodded mutely into a shoulder, holding back the tightness starting at the corners of her eyes as she finally felt everything at once. Her whole life she had to stand on her own two feet with no one to lean on. No plan B other than herself if life got hard. Now, in Mal's arms, she felt a burning desire not to navigate this path on her own anymore. But she had to do one thing first. “I do. I trust you. I just need a little more time to trust myself all the way.”

With that reveal Mal’s lips parted to speak, but a pair of green eyes watching her through the rails of the stairway from the second floor above made her mouth close. Her eyes faltered under such intensity from a child. After a moment she glanced up again to the same spot, now empty.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

As Regina paced the length of her room, her black open toed heels left a pattern of diamond indentations in the rug. "I want an explanation for your behavior tonight. I know there's something going on inside of you that you're not telling me, baby. So let's have it." Regina said, keeping her voice even and calm as she went to sit on her vanity bench. Emma sat across from her on the end of the bed staring at the floor, mouth tightly shut. "Do you need some think time before we speak?" Asking and leaning forward.

Emma’s head shook.

"Then are you ready to tell me what's going on?"

_"No.”_

Regina stood at the sharp tone and moved forward to lift the girl’s chin. "That is not one of your choices right now and you need to mind how you are speaking. Think time or we may talk. Which one?” Emma’s face scrunched under her direction in defiance rarely displayed.

“None.”

Sighing and moving her hand away Regina tried a different approach. "All I want you to do is be honest with me about what you're feeling. Does this have anything to do with me and Mal? Are you angry with me over something?" Regina coaxed trying to give the girl verbal cues to help express herself.

The brief flash of thunder in her child's eyes answered her question without any words being needed. She knew that stormy look well enough when it surfaced. Thinking Emma did in fact need some time and that her space was not having the desired effect, she made the decision for both of them. "Go on to your room then. You need some think time. First ten minutes sitting on the bed and then I will come and we will try talking again." Regina stood and pointed to the open doorway, a silent signal that they were done for now. Emma huffed, but wouldn't move. Regina placed one hand on her slender hip and gestured again with the other, now growing somewhat impatient with that display this evening as a whole. "I gave you an instruction. Do you care to add not listening to the top of your current list we need to discuss?"

At the mention of that Emma’s face scrunched. “What list?” Then realized it was just one of those figure of speech things her Mom had explained a few different times. Another huff, but then thinking her first thought through she stated her second one. "No."

"Then do as I ask of you please.”

Emma bit her tongue to keep from talking back as she quickly passed her Mom and stepped into the hall. She stopped dead just outside the doorway as movement downstairs through the banister rails caught her eye. Her face flamed beet red. "You heard us?" She asked more from shock than anything and much too loudly as was her habit when she was upset.

Standing at the base of the stairs was Mal. The woman flushed equally embarrassed as she had not meant to intentionally eavesdrop.

Emma turned on her heel and balled her fists as she stomped her foot. _"Mom!"_

That abrupt shout brought Regina to the landing immediately with a reprimand ready on her lips, but she stopped seeing why the child had yelled. Looking down from the top of the stairs she gestured for Mal to come up. "I thought you had left." Regina crossed her arms now stepping closer as Mal reached the top of the stairs.

"I found Emma's comic in the back seat of the truck. I just wanted to make sure she had it." Mal explained as she tried handing the comic to Emma who wouldn’t take it.

"She heard us Mom.” A foot stomped. “She—"

"I am very well aware of what was heard Emma and you have some place to be. Your room for ten minutes and then I will be in… Don't give me that look. Go on." Regina prompted again, unyielding to Emma’s pout as she accepted the comic from Mal.

Emma glared at Mal as she passed. She was careful to stomp to her room around the corner extra hard to further let the adults know of her displeasure.

Regina sighed and smiled tightly to Mal who was fumbling over herself with apologies. Sudden, but sure she set the comic aside and moved wrapping her arms around a neck as hands found her waist, pulling her closer. Slowly Regina eased in with a sweet and chaste kiss near the corner of a mouth, their lips a whisper from touching. "It’s okay. I know you didn't mean to hear us." Regina assured. "Emma is very sensitive when she knows she and I need to talk, especially when she is upset already over something else.”

"I can see that and I know you two will be able work it out. You always do. Still, I’m sorry for upsetting her."

Regina’s eyes softened as she stepped back. "It’s not you. I think it’s the idea of you and who that might be to me that has her upset.” Pondering aloud what she suspected was causing the storm in her daughter’s eyes earlier. Sighing. “It’s getting late and Emma and I still have a long talk ahead of us. Thank you again for dinner and for the lovely bracelet."

“Perhaps later next week we can try this again. At Granny’s?”

The idea warmed her cheeks in a pleasant way. Regina smiled. “Perhaps.”

"I'll call you tomorrow…"

There was a hint of question in Mal’s voice Regina understood was there from their conversation downstairs. It was not one asking for an answer of commitment or even a promise of one soon, but of a friend balancing on the cusp of lover who wanted to make sure they were okay. "I’d like that." Eyes sparkling as she leaned in to give a hug; a quiet assurance that they were _more_ than okay.

Mal took leave. When Regina heard the front door close she sighed deeply leaning against the wall. She crossed one arm over her stomach and brought her hand up to her lips running her fingers over where she had lingered on Mal’s cheek as she thought about how best to approach the fuming child stewing in the next room.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"It's not fair." Emma mumbled to no one in particular as she punched a pillow on her bed.

Mal had heard everything; her struggle to talk about her feelings and her Mom scolding. Another punch. They still needed to talk about her actions tonight too. Thinking deeply about that pending conversation and the why behind it her eyes burned. She blinked, willing what was there to fall, but it dried right up. The look on Mal's face when her Mom had been given the bracelet made her blood hot once again. These emotions were getting too big for her to handle, but not in the way she felt when one of her triggers took over her because her routine was off or change too sudden. Those she couldn’t stop or help. Those were scary and made her shut down so completely she didn’t feel anything but panic.

This was different; she felt too much. Steps to calm down flashed in her mind. What she had been taught to do and use, the choices ran on a loop in her mind. Like her Mom reminded her of outside of the restaurant when she had spilled her milk for attention. Attention she wanted badly. So badly needed that Emma gave in to the easy choice and the too much feeling. She threw anything she could get her hands on from action figures to her school books at her open door. One of the books left a dent in the wall. Hands swept over her desk spilling her art supplies and papers. She blindly took up a stuffed toy and ripped at it…

 

:::::::::::::::::::::

 

Having heard the thuds and not anticipating this kind of outburst Regina hurried into the room just as a stuffed toy was thrown. Regina caught Henry Bear as her daughter froze, noting its mangled appearance and that of the room before she shifted her gaze to Emma.

Their eyes met over the mess, one pair begging for help over a tight pink mouth. _This_ Regina recognized for what it was. Not the result of a trigger, but a cry for her to take back the control that was lost for her daughter. It had been a half year since she had done so properly and now here she stepped further into the room ready to help Emma regain balance again. "I see that you chose not to listen to me about waiting in your room for think time. You chose instead to not use your steps and have a tantrum and destroy your room." Stating the obvious for exactly what it was in such a way that showed Emma she understood the present need. The lines of Emma’s face loosened. Regina came closer and gently set the bear on the desk while raising a brow at her child.

"So?" Emma issued a small challenge. Just in case. And even as the word slipped from her lips, Emma felt bad about her actions and her feelings began to coil in her tummy needing to come out another way.

"So, you will be spending some time over my lap getting some of those feelings out of you." Regina explained now moving the girl's desk chair out to face the center of the room before seating herself. She pointed to her feet and raised both brows expectantly. “Come here please.”

Emma sucked on her bottom lip and eyed the spot her feet began to move to. "But...” She stopped right where she needed to be when her mouth said something else. "I don't want one."

"Of course you don't baby.” Softening, Regina took Emma’s hands. “But sometimes what we don’t want is actually what we need.” A squeeze and she waited until little hands squeezed back before continuing. “Why are we here?”

Squirming. “Because I didn’t use my steps.”

Dark eyes and a tone prompted. “Emma try again.”

Shoulder’s dropped. Much harder to say. “Because I _chose_ not to use my steps when I could have.”

A nod for the truth. “That is the difference we will keep working on. What else?”

Blushing. “And I wanted your attention.”

“And this behavior is not how you earn the kind of attention you want from me. You need something else though don’t you.” Not a question as she guided Emma over her lap. “First we are going to get some of these hard feelings out and then you are going to clean your room. All your toys will be put away, your books lined up on the shelf, and your desk made right. Then we will talk about the rest of the evening and what has you so wound up. Do you understand?”

Emma closed her eyes as an arm wrapped around her waist and a hand rested on her bottom. She nodded, but that was not enough it seemed. A gentle pat in prompt got her mouth working. “Yes Mom.”

Raising her hand Regina cupped her palm and brought it down to the seat of a yellow dress. To one cheek and then the next and continued this back and forth pattern that tended to bring on those needed tears quickly without allowing too much sting to set in. But Emma was not letting go so easily this time and after a minute when normally it was over by now, Regina realized Emma needed a bit more. She paused, raising the hem of the dress and settling it neatly at the small of a back before continuing.

“Mooomm.” Emma squirmed and began to kick, but her legs were caught and stilled. Tears clouded her vision and she once again willed them forward, but they were stuck behind her lashes. She reached back her right hand, searching for her Mom’s. Her hand was taken up and held. That made her eyes water all the more. A squeeze came back and in that comfort she began to let go. Let it all go right down her cheeks with the release of a breath she had not been realizing she was holding. A gasp, then a shallow cry came next. On the cusp of full release she was close and her Mom kept going. Would keep going until she let go all the way. Another cry escaped and Emma reached to wrap her free arm around the back of her Mom’s waist in a hugging fashion.

Regina’s heart pulled, but she kept on and put a bit more snap behind her wrist willing her daughter to open. And Emma cracked like an egg tapped over and over ever so gently. Bit by bit the shell came away and the yoke of tears spilled out from deep in Emma’s gut. A wail came followed by sound crying as the struggle ceased and her daughter went limp. A few more just to make sure before her hand slowed to a mere patting.

"That’s it baby. Let it all out.” Her hand warm, as Emma’s skin was warm. Regina moved her hand to soothe the sting that had allowed the release. Little shoulders dropped the weight of the world away. Easing her daughter up, she turned Emma over and up to sit on her lap. Child nested in right up under her chin, tears soaking right through her blouse. A long time brewing and coming Emma cried for several minutes as she rocked and hummed.

A calm and clarity settled over Emma as her tears gave way to sniffles. Her throat and tummy no longer tight with feeling. Open and ready she felt to try and talk about her feelings, but her mind was still fuzzy. As if reading her thoughts she felt a kiss on her cheek and watched as a tissue was plucked from the box on her desk she had missed in her angry sweep of it. It was held to her nose and she was instructed to blow and did, taking comfort in having her tears wiped away as another kiss came to her other cheek.

“Are you ready to clean up your room and maybe use that time to think some more before we talk?” Getting a nod she helped Emma stand up, righting clothing and giving another hug. Her baby needed a few minutes to regroup and so did she. “I’ll be back to check on you in fifteen minutes alright?”

“Okay.” Emma pulled back, rubbing her eye as her Mom stood. She watched heels leave and looked about her room wondering where it was best to start. Quickly enough, she shelved her many books and made up her bed. She put her action figures back in their bin on the shelf and put back the stuff that should be on her desk. Lastly, she went over to her bedroom door and picked up her stuffed bear that, in her fit, had his left ear nearly torn off. She hugged him to her chest for a long while as she thought about the evening. That's exactly how Regina found her when heels returned at the promised time.

Regina’s fingers reached to gently run through curls. "Thank you for making a good choice and doing as I asked of you." She praised and Emma nodded under it, not looking up. Concerned Regina rubbed the girl’s back. Emma let her take the bear and she turned the abused stuffed animal over in her hands, assessing the damage.

A hard sniff. "Will you fix him? Now, please?" Emma whispered her request.

Regina nodded while tucking the bear under one arm and reaching out her free hand for Emma to take. "While I do some minor surgery why don't you tell me what's been going on with you tonight?" Smiling to feel the girl’s smooth hand slip so easily into hers.

She led the way down the hall and into the master bedroom over toward the bed. Emma stood there while she went into the closet to retrieve the wicker sewing basket. Returning, Regina sat on the edge of the bed and patted the comforter beside her. Emma came up to sit close as she threaded a needle and began to reattach the torn ear. "I'm waiting for your answer, sweetheart." Regina reminded not taking eyes off of her task. Emma shifted next to her.

"I'm mad that she heard us.” A huff, but that was not all of it, so she added more. “And when she gave you the bracelet. That's why…" Emma stopped and pointed at her bear as if that were a clear enough indication.

"I understand that’s where your anger came from Emma, but I mean before then at the restaurant and in the car on the way home. It's not like you to call people names."

Emma blew her bangs off her forehead as she flopped backwards on the bed. She stared at the ceiling, trying to gather her thoughts. "I don't like how she looked at you when she gave you the bracelet, like she wants to eat you up or something."

At this humorous and perfect description of Mal in that moment, Regina couldn't help but chuckle a bit. “Baby…”

Emma sat up quickly. "It’s not funny Mom."

"I’m sorry. I am not laughing at you or your feelings." Regina reached out to caress Emma's cheek as she explained her reaction. "You know Mal is a good friend of mine. She was very helpful in my adoption of you and since then we have grown close as friends. Lately, she has expressed an interest in taking our relationship to another level and I’m thinking about it."

Emma knew her Mom liked women. That was no secret and she didn’t find it odd in the least when it had been explained to her before. It was the idea of adults together like _that_ in general that made her want to stick her tongue out. So she did. "But Mom, that's…” Emma scrunched up her face at the very idea. “Gross.”

Still having the straight short body of a child, puberty was a ways off for Emma. Thankfully. "I know it seems that way to you, but it is not like that for the two people who have feelings for each other.” Regina began. “In fact it feels quite wonderful in a magical sort of way. I've explained adult relationships to you before baby. When you're older you'll understand more of what I'm talking about. Until then, however, I need for you to at least try to understand that I have feelings for her. You don't have to like Mal, but I expect you to treat her with respect because she is my friend and an adult in your life." Regina insisted finishing up the last few stitches on the battered bear before tying off the thread.

"But she..." Emma paused, brows knitting together as she felt that strange feeling from earlier wash over her once again.

Regina could see the shift and she reached to pull Emma over to sit on her lap. She wrapped her arm around Emma and gave over the newly mended bear. As her handiwork was inspected, she coaxed further. "Are you are feeling a bit jealous that I am spending some of my time with someone else? Maybe a little sad too that I have feelings for Mal?" Even as she asked these questions Emma shrank in her arms now burying a face in her chest.

Though muffled, Emma hoped her response was clear enough in meaning.

Holding closer and kissing Emma’s temple Regina felt a heartbeat against her lips as she spoke. "I want you to listen to me very carefully, alright?” Waiting as Emma nodded. “Take my words and wrap them up tight inside your heart for safe keeping. I love you very much and you are absolutely everything in this world to me. I have plenty of love inside of me to give to others too and one day I may give some of it to Mal, but it’s different than the kind you and I share. There's a special kind of love that's meant only for you and me. No one else can have it and it's not something I can give to anyone but you."

“Sort of like our superpower? For just us?”

“Like that, but better. Love is a kind of magic and our love is one of the strongest magic there is.”

Her Mom always had a way of explaining things so she could understand them. Emma moved back, now sitting up so she could see Regina's mouth. A gentle tap to the underside of her chin prompted her eyes up and she tried to say the more she was feeling. "I like thinking about it like that, but that doesn't…” Thinking hard. “I don't want to share you yet. I've only had you for a little while." Three years and some months now as they were was not enough out of her ten and a half of experience on this earth.

Regina kissed Emma's pink cheek and rubbed the same spot where a bit of her lipstick had remained. "And you have me right now and forever after. No one and nothing ever changes that. I need you to trust me on that, alright?"

"Okay…” And she did trust her Mom. Then a thought crossed her mind that made her nose wrinkle again. “But does this mean you guys are gonna kiss and stuff now because no matter what you say that _is_ gross."

Regina smiled, rolling her eyes fondly as she gave several squeaky kisses and tickle hands as Emma giggled in her lap. They sat that way for a long time hugging as Emma hugged Henry Bear too. "You are so very dear and precious to me. You know that, don't you?" Regina whispered as she tucked her chin over the top of a blonde head. She could feel Emma's hands cover hers as she heard the sweet confirmation of her question murmured softly.

They sat entwined for a long while, each soaking in the others tender affirmation. They each wondered though, if something as beautifully simple as this trust and understanding of what they were to each other would one day grow to include another heart they had not been expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Some major steps forward on both their parts. Thoughts?
> 
> Next time – Emma closes a door and opens a window. Regina learns about the difference between two words that matter to her daughter. Emma and Regina come full circle on a matter of heart that once had torn theirs to pieces.


	13. The Difference

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Time jump ahead of six months – plenty of reflections to show their progress during that time within. A misunderstanding leads to lots of growth for both Regina and Emma. For those of you who had wondered about a redemption arch for Zelena… Here you go. Feels ahead. Enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – This story will begin to wind down and wrap up loose ends. Please consider a comment if you haven't already. I love hearing from you. Thanks!
> 
> Next time – As Emma learns more about her Mom’s past she begins to wonder about another piece of her own. A hard question is asked after a forgotten lesson is remembered and the answer is not something Regina is ready for.

**Chapter 13 –** **The Difference**

**:::::::::::::::::::**

The sky was covered with what looked like a thick piece of slate moving as one impenetrable mass. Occasionally Regina could make out a hint of a hazy yellow, or purple coloring in the grayish mixture of clouds. Those colors reminded her of a fading bruise trying to sink beneath the skin to heal. She thought about this as she gazed out the kitchen window at the dark day ahead and sipped her morning coffee. She shivered and made a mental note to adjust the heat.

The weather had shifted almost over night and winter moved in to settle down for a nice long nap. A wet cold, the kind that seeped deeply into the bones and isn't quick to leave was uncommon for where they lived. In the desert, rain was a rare and mesmerizing sight, but accompanied with strong winds and a chill Regina had come to detest its arrival each year when the season changed. And there had been a lot of changes in the last several months.

Lately time had seemed to blur together. Her thesis publication had come sooner than expected at the end of summer and a boost of patients with it in her practice. A sound sense of a goal well accomplished filled her and checking that off her list had been incredibly satisfying. One goal left and the most important kept her plenty busy and on her toes. Though busy with her career she was careful not to over work herself and keep her promise of time at home to Emma. Regina took another sip of her hot drink, letting it warm her as she thought about the last several weeks.

Things had settled down into the routine of a new school year and Emma's debut into the 5th grade. Mary-Margaret had looped up with Emma’s class, as all the teachers did in the primary school she paid a generous tuition to, providing Emma with the continued predictability needed. Fall had come and gone. Somewhere between the start of the school year and Halloween, Emma's 11th birthday had rushed in. The day after which, it seemed, Emma had entered into a brief growth spurt much to the new preteen’s delight.

Regina smiled at the memory of Emma rushing down the stairs on her birthday, all smiles over what was sure to be ‘ _the best year ever, ever’_. Emma had almost immediately stopped sleeping with Henry Bear every night, but he remained in his place of honor during the day atop a pile of pillows at the head of the twin canopy bed when it was made up each morning. On rare nights a nightmare reigned Emma still slipped down the hall and into her bed, bear in arms. On those nights Regina held her daughter close, treasuring the moment of tender affection sought.

During November, with the continued support of Dr. Nolan and Dr. Hopper, Emma was learning to control her emotions more. Triggers and the even rarer tantrum had been far and few in between. Occasionally, though Regina had to remind Emma that just because she was 11, she wasn't exempt from certain expectations she had or an attitude adjustment if necessary, which had been the case last night.

With December knocking on their door and Christmas around the corner Regina hoped that the spirit of the season would lighten up the mood that had settled in the house the last few days, in which Emma had been temperamental for a reason she had yet to pick up on. It seemed to have started earlier this week on one of the rare occasions she had been able to pick Emma up directly from school instead of from Granny’s where Emma still spent time on her later work evenings.

Emma had gotten into the back seat of the car quiet and pensive. When asked how school had gone green eyes filled with a mix of hurt and confusion Regina knew would need time to settle before she broached the subject again. She had let it rest for a few days and had asked the same question after school on Friday. Emma had immediately changed the subject to a sleep over invite to the home of a girl she did not know well, but knew of from conversations with Granny and this girl was not someone she wanted Emma around.

Assured Ruby was going by her daughter in earnest Regina had wavered just slightly before calling Granny to confirm. Ruby was not going, in fact, and Regina could hear the upset of her daughter’s friend in the background before Granny had to get off the phone. That made her decision an easy one and for the sudden and unplanned event she knew it would be a trigger for her daughter in spite of the want to go. They had tried that numerous times on different occasions in the past when Emma had been invited to things last minute with the same result.

Emma had not been happy with her decision. For a few reasons it seemed. Their evening had gone downhill from there. Regina sighed as she heard heavy footsteps entering the kitchen as that thought left. For such a little thing Emma sure had a way of making her presence known.

"Good morning baby." Regina greeted softly and turned away from the window toward her daughter.

Emma rubbed the slumber from her eyes with one hand and with the other retrieved the apple butter from the fridge all the while acknowledging her Mom with a sleepy grunt.

“Sleep alright?”

“Mmhm.”

Her last sip of coffee was unexpectedly bitter and Regina grimaced into her mug. “Any dreams?” When Emma did not answer she sighed, now understanding the lack of response for what it was. She walked over the island counter and poured herself another cup of coffee. "Or are you still upset with me?"

Another grunt and a flash of green eyes before they disappeared to look at the floor was enough of answer, but Regina did not allow the hiding to go unchecked. “Emma?”

“Nope. I mean it’s not like I missed out on something important." The sour tone left her lips before Emma could catch it.

Important like the sleep over at Jessica Barnes’ house she and Ruby had been invited too; well mostly Ruby. Emma had inadvertently gotten an invite many of her classmates would covet at lunch on Wednesday. Well sort of. The way the invite had happened she was still trying to sort through the meaning of, but what Ruby and Jessica had said when it had happened was running on loop in her brain…

 

_“You coming to my sleep over Lucas?” Jessica asked as she stopped by their lunch table._

_The one she and Ruby ate at by themselves every day. Emma liked it that way. It was quiet with just her and her best friend. Ruby sat up straighter and so Emma did too. She had learned to take social cues from Ruby and a few other students she was acquaintances with when she was not sure what to do or say. Like now with Jessica’s interruption to their talk about the newest Marvel comic._

_“I need to ask, but—“ Ruby looked at her in such a way Emma was not sure she understood._

_Emma forced her eyes up from her lunch; a neatly divided container that had it’s own space for each item. It was the same every day or nearly as she was learning to adjust to the occasional new item her Mom packed for her. She looked at Ruby or rather Ruby’s mouth and shrugged, not sure what her friend was expecting._

_“But what about Emma?” Ruby asked Jessica and Emma’s brows knit when her friend put a hand on her arm._

_“Her?” Jessica’s eyebrows shot to the ceiling. “You’re serious?”_

_That made Ruby squirm in a way Emma did not like and she jumped in before she realized her mouth was moving. “She is serious Jessica and her name is Ruby.”_

_At least Emma thought Ruby was serious, but about what exactly she was grasping for straws at. She knew Ruby wanted to be in Jessica’s crowd. Wanted in on the popularity game that really did seem like a game to Emma she wanted no part of playing. The rules were too hard and made no sense. But it seemed important to Ruby, and she wanted her friend to be happy. She felt Ruby squeeze her arm and a smile grew on her friend’s face. Emma mirrored it back._

_“I am. So if you want me there Emma gets to come to.” Ruby added._

_Jessica’s eyes rolled. “She can come too. But_ Lucas _you’d better deliver.”_

_“I will.” But Emma did not think Ruby sounded so sure._

_And it was Emma’s turn to have her eyebrows shoot to the ceiling._ ‘Come where and when and why?’ _She thought and felt her chest tighten at the idea before she realized what had just happened. She had been invited to Jessica’s house. To sleep over with other kids than just Ruby. That was a big deal. At least it was to the other girl’s she had heard talking about it in the bathroom. But Jessica… Jessica had never been that nice to her. Or to Ruby. And Emma wondered at the change now._

_“Way to stand up to her Emma.” Ruby grinned and took a bite of a sandwich._

_Emma squirmed in her seat suddenly not so hungry anymore. “What did she mean by deliver?”_

_“Oh, that.” Ruby finished chewing and shrugged. “She has a thing for my Granny’s pies. She wants me to bring a few of them over to her sleepover. I kind of hinted that I would if she invited me.”_

_“That’s wrong though. My Mom said people should like you for you. I like you for you, but Jessica doesn’t.” And that quick truth seemed to be the wrong thing to say because Ruby got really quiet for a few minutes. Or maybe it was the right thing because then Ruby gave her a hug._

_“Do you think your Mother will let you go?”_

_Emma’s nose wrinkled. “If you’re going, I think so…and don’t call her that. She’s my **Mom**.” There was a definite difference in her brain between the word Ruby said and what Mom meant to her…_

 

Emma let go of the memory and bit her inner cheek to keep her tone in check for the raised brow she was under as she got a spoon and her favorite cereal out of the cabinet under the countertop.

Regina cleared her throat before repeating parts of their conversation from last evening. " _That_ tone is exactly why you lost your TV privilege last night. If you don't want to talk to me about what's bothering you yet that's okay. How you just told me is what I meant by having an attitude.” And it had been quite the stand-off when she had told Emma “No” about the sleepover. It was important to her that her daughter have friends and experiences, but she was still protective over certain things and the earful Granny had given her about Jessica and the pies bribe she wanted Emma to have nothing to do with.

"I'm not having an attitude, I'm just…" Emma paused as she opened the cabinet near the stove and saw that the items in them had been rearranged. The difference being the bowls were on the high shelf where the wine glasses used to be. Upset spoke. " _Mom_ you did it again."

Regina sighed making a mental note to not unload the dishwasher when she was talking on her cell to Mal. Before Mal’s trip out of town on business two weeks ago they had fallen into the habit of cooking and having dinner all together twice a week. Mal was due back in town sometime this morning. She missed the closeness they had come to have in that absence. Emma’s rollercoaster of a mood had been on her mind heavily though too and she found herself easily distracted lately. Reaching up Regina easily got down a bowl and handed it to her daughter before swapping the dishes back to how they should be. "Sorry baby, I forget sometimes—"

"Yeah, you do." Emma mumbled as her shoulders went stiff with upset, wavering on the edge of a trigger. She was fighting to remain in control using the tools she had learned. Quietly she had begun counting under her breath and focused on feeling the way the air felt entering and leaving between her lips. _‘1, 2, 3 in… 1, 2, 3 out… 1, 2—’_

"What do you mean, baby?" Regina asked before she was aware of the counting and the rigid way Emma was standing. Gently she reached over to take her daughter’s hand. Emma pulled away from the touch.

"Mooomm." Losing her focus Emma groaned, but she had managed to regain her center.

"I’m sorry. I'll let you be." Regina stepped back to give space.

In Emma’s progress under Dr. Nolan developing self regulation habits was a strong focus they were both still working on. They had come to understand a few strategies Emma naturally leaned toward using when she was verging on upset to calm down. Regina, out of habit long used to, was struggling to know when to step in and when to encourage Emma to have productive struggle in managing feelings.

"It's not that." Emma let out a breath and shrugged shaking her head, done with trying to explain for now. "I don't want to talk about it yet." Using a well practice phrase of her Mom’s to change the subject.

"Okay." Regina conceded and automatically began to peel an apple to split between herself and Emma. Plated with a side of toast and the apple butter Emma still used on nearly everything at breakfast they ate in silence.

Sometime in that thick quiet full of their thoughts it had begun to rain harder. Fat drops pelted the skylight overhead as the sky opened up as if to drain a wound. Emma tilted her head back to study the pattern the water made as it dripped down the skylight and out of sight onto the roof. All the while she wished her feelings could be washed away as easily. Sometimes they could be with her Mom’s help… After a moment Emma looked over at her Mom who was stirring coffee as dark as the eyes staring into it, seemingly lost in thought.

_‘Maybe she will want to. Maybe I should just ask. Maybe she just doesn't know… But Mom always knows, doesn’t she?'_ Emma thought there were too many maybes and decided to give her Mom the _‘_ benefit of doubt’ as she was so often afforded. "What are you thinking about?"

"Hmmm? Oh, just what to do with this gloomy Saturday." Regina mused and glanced around the cluttered kitchen. "It’s time to clean up around here. You could help me by dusting and vacuuming. We'll see how many rooms we can tackle and we'll sort out your closet like we planned and get a box of used things together to donate."

Emma dropped her chin to rest in her palm as she picked at her food. _‘Okay she doesn’t know._ ’ And that was going to make explaining what she wanted to do so much harder. She stirred circles in her cereal, a perfect mirror of her Mom doing the same. Still Emma tried one more time in her own way to approach a subject that was hard for both of them. “Ma donated stuff once too. I remember her taking a bag of my baby clothes to this shop and then she got some stuff without having to pay.” It wasn’t really donating, but it was something close enough to the current topic that she needed to say to be a start.

Regina’s spine stiffened as she hummed a response in an attempt to encourage Emma to keep going and she brought her coffee up to take a longer sip than necessary in wait. But her daughter grew quiet after. Emma rarely talked about Zelena, but sometimes a random memory slipped out when she was not expecting it. The comparison being made or the idea of it between her and Zelena kept her quiet too when she was not sure what to say to that comment.

There was one thing she was more than clear on though; she was nothing like her sister.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"We do this every year Emma and you know what to expect. I don't understand the exception this year." Regina explained as she finished folding a pair of Emma's shorts from last spring before setting them down on the twin canopy bed next to a large pile of sweaters. It was early evening and dinner had just been cleared away before they had come back up here to continue.

Emma took a picture of the shorts with her Mom’s phone the way she was doing with all the clothes that were going to be donated. The image helped make letting go of the item easier for some reason and this way she knew exactly what needed to be replaced. "These are my clothes. I don't want someone else wearing them." Emma gave up some of her feelings, but not the one she was still chewing on as she pulled back out a pair of purple corduroy pants from the cardboard box her Mom was putting clothes in.

A few times a year Regina did a sweep through the house and got rid of anything that was worn or unused and donated the items to various shelters. It used to be a chore Emma loathed in their early time together, but with time had learned to be okay with, even to like. Especially when her Mom bought her new items similar enough to replace old ones that she had outgrown. That even exchange made this activity one she had come to enjoy doing with her Mom. But right now Emma was fighting it.

"I hear your frustration and I’m sorry you are upset about the idea this time." Regina took back the pair of pants Emma had tried to recover from the donation box and refolded them neatly. "These clothes no longer fit you properly and are going to go to someone who can use them. We’ll have our shopping trip to replace them next weekend, like always. Did you get a picture of these yet?”

“Yeah, but…” Emma frowned deeply, watching as her Mom went back over to her dresser and knelt in front of it to open the bottom drawer. Her heart sped up as Regina began to pick through the contents. Losing her upset over the task altogether, she hurried over. "Everything there is fine Mom.” Emma stopped as a crumpled blue shirt that she had crammed under a pile of carefully folded skirts was extracted. The one she wore earlier this week and had been told to change out of.

Regina shook out the shirt and recognized it as the one she had told her daughter would need to be donated because it was too small. Far too small and not one she remembered buying for Emma. She wondered how it had been missed the last time they had done this. She tossed the shirt on the bed behind her.

And Emma lost it. "You talked before about me not having respect for your stuff and now you're not having respect for my stuff. You're not being fair!" Emma shouted as she went over to the bed and snatched up the discarded blue shirt. She held the wrinkled cotton fiercely to her chest.

Regina blinked and fought against her first reaction. Sure an outburst now and then from Emma was expected, but not for this activity. They had a system in place that she knew her daughter understood. She began to get a nagging feeling that something deeper was going on, but the way Emma had shouted at her was never something she handled well. A trigger that always put her on edge for all the times she had been yelled at as a child, but one she had learned to mostly control in their years together. Sometimes Emma really couldn’t help it, but Regina was not sure this was one of those times. She stood up with a questioning look in her eyes.

"That's different Emma. It makes no sense for you to keep these things. You've outgrown them and you don't need them anymore. I know you understand that so tell me what's really going on here, please."

"It's not different. You just don't—" Emma whined and stomped her foot. She closed her eyes tightly for a minute, fighting the urge to stomp it again.

The girl’s internal struggle was apparent to Regina and all over that contorted pink face. "Alright, it's obvious that you're upset and frustrated with me right now. So, we will talk about this a little later when you're calmer." Regina explained as she tried to take back control over the situation and give her daughter the chance needed to calm down, but Emma was having none of it.

"YOU have no respect for my stuff and I don’t want to do this today! I need you to take me—“

"Emma, stop shouting at me."

"I. Am. Because. You’re. Not. Listening.” Emma retorted in frustration and for a moment she truly didn't care about the consequences. Then she braved a look up from that straight red mouth to brown eyes. Then back down to the shirt in her hands. She took a hard breath in and then out and tried to figure out another way to say how she felt, but it was too late. Now she was in trouble or thought she might be in something else entirely.

Regina stared at her daughter for a long moment before she turned towards the door.

Emma's mouth dropped open in surprise. Not the response she expected, but then again she was not sure what she was expecting. Not this time. "Where are you going?"

Restating, and adding herself to it, Regina paused at the door. "We each need some time to calm down.” Gut instinct not the one she was listening to within the confines of her own upset and the structures they operated within. But she was frustrated in a way that she needed a quiet minute to think. Emma had been pushing her buttons in little ways all day as it was. “Stay here and then I’ll be back and we'll try talking again."

With that said Regina left. She got halfway down the hall before she heard a thud and a muffled bellow of protest. Taking a deep breath and hesitating for only a moment, Regina walked back over towards her daughter's room. She lingered shy of the doorway for a second to see if there would be any more signs of upset from Emma. Hearing nothing she eased into the room and saw the donation box had been thrown upside down; the past hour of sorting and folding now a tangled mess on the floor.

"Emma I've been more than patient with you today and I've given you plenty of chances to remedy your attitude. You know other ways to show me you are upset and this is not one of them.” Regina reminded.

"What about your attitude?” Emma challenged right back as her Mom moved to sit sat on the edge of the bed.

"You do not get to take that tone with me."

“But you get to with me?”

Regina’s brows shot up at the continued display of boldness. “That’s quite enough, young lady.”

“But I’m mad at you.” A huff.

Trying for patience at that reveal when she felt like she was losing it, Regina prompted. “Then talk to me about why instead of throwing things and yelling.”

Emma started to twist away in answer. She had tried that… sort of, but her Mom had not listened and now she was pulled close and held still between those knees.

 “We can start our talk whenever you are ready. Either now or after your time out, but I expect you to answer me with words and in an appropriate tone.” Regina said calmly, but firm that was still going to happen. Since Emma’s chosen silence months ago she had not allowed any slips into those habits. They did not serve Emma well. After a minute her daughter ceased squirming but said nothing, pink lips tightly clamped. Sighing. "You have got to stop fighting me Emma. We’re on the same team here. We always have been and I gave you a choice earlier. You did not make it so I made it for you. That’s how it works. Your response with the box and yelling were not appropriate ones." Regina tried to explain again, her throat working against raising her voice in frustration under that glare. "I know you and what's best for you. I'm your mother and—"

Something dark flashed behind Emma’s eyes and her lips pursed in heat. She mumbled something nearly incoherent, stringing all of the syllables together in one breath.

Shock and sure she had heard wrong, Regina sat back, mouth agape for a moment before she found her voice. " _What_ did you say?"

Fidgeting. "Nothing."

"No. That was not nothing.” Asking again in disbelief. “Emma? What did you say to me?” Another mumble and she was not satisfied. Regina held a chin in hand, lifting. Their eyes locked. “One more time please.”

“I said… you’re not my mother.” The whisper barely registered in her ears, but they must have been thunderous to Regina for the look she was under. One Emma couldn’t read in full but thought was… shock or…. Before she could explain further what she meant her parent’s body went rigid and she sucked in her bottom lip losing her words all together.

 Regina’s lips parted. For as far and hard as they had come since that affection from Emma, not being so—was not even a remote possibility in her mind.

 At all.

Emma’s thought for a brief moment that silence was going to be punctuated with a swat to her bottom. But none came. And she almost wished it did if it would relieve the matching tears beginning to fill brown eyes.

“Mom?" A small question that should not be one between them. And Emma realized right then that Regina thought she meant it to be. Her mouth opened, a perfect mirror, as she tried to explain. “I—“

“I am your mother.” Regina interrupted as sharp ache framed her voice. “Nothing changes that.”

Tears dripped from overflowing green eyes from that tone and down to a trembling chin. Then to the carpet. Emma’s foot stomped because her meaning had been misunderstood entirely, and she was misread yet again in that action.

"You're angry with me and that's your right.” Regina began, pointing to a foot and to the overturned box. “But you do not have the right to be destructive or to talk back to me or to say hurtful things.” Her daughter's words had stung, but she could see feeling welling again in Emma's eyes. Regina knew that she needed some time away to regroup before they spoke about why it was there. "Since you're not ready to talk without doing those things, we'll see if you feel differently later. Right now I want you to pick up those clothes and put them neatly back in the box."

Emma shifted from foot to foot trying to decide if she should try again to explain what she really meant. But she had tried and it did not work. Then the seriousness of her actions and words registered. How they must have sounded. How they must have hurt and that had not been her intention at all. But her Mom didn’t seem to know that.

She hadn’t meant them like that at all.

That fear Emma had of _being too much_ , of Mom _not being Mom_ crept in. She wanted to run. She wanted to hide. She wanted and needed a lot of things right now and especially those arms around her. Had tried to say one of the things she needed a few times today only not too be understood. And if her Mom was not listening to her then she would just have to do one of them herself. Maybe then her Mom would understand what she had really meant when her words had come out wrong. Her hands were squeezed then. Automatically Emma squeezed back, but said nothing. Instead she listened and quickly gathered up the clothes.

 Regina watched and made sure each item was refolded and put back to her satisfaction before she lifted the full box under one arm and rested it against her hip. She eyed the blue shirt now on the bed and decided against prompting for it at the moment. Upset and feeling her tears coming she was quick to state her expectation. "I want you sit on your bed. You're in time out. I want you to think about the choices you made today and your words. Do you understand me?" She reached for her phone on the bed to take with.

A nod in reply. Emma already had.

"Emma?"

The girl looked down at her hands now alone in her lap wishing they were not in such a state.

Regina simply waited.

And Emma gave what was wanted hoping her Mom would not leave. “I understand you.”

"We'll finish our discussion in a bit then." Regina shifted the box higher on her hip as she crossed the room and out into the hall leaving Emma to think on her words.

A minute after Emma could no longer hear footsteps it was clear her Mom was not coming back right away. She shouldn’t have expected it, she guessed. Her Mom always did what was said, but right now she took no comfort in that predictability as she usually did. Slowly she stood up and went over to her door. They needed to talk and badly. About way more than just the box and her words. Emma was ready and trying in her own way to get to the heart of a matter that had torn both of theirs to pieces in the past, but her Mom was not listening in the right way. Or maybe Emma was not saying it in the right way.

She suspected that was mostly it.

But her Mom was shutting her out in a way that was only causing them to butt heads again and again. She needed to understand her Mom’s feelings about their shared hurt, like she tried to explain earlier today, just as much as she did her own hurt. But she was always shielded from those hard feelings. Mom had promised to share more with her and Emma needed that promise to be remembered and why it was made. Not to shut her out as her Ma had shut her up and in. Then an idea came, but it was a trigger and not an easy one to deal with, though doing it would send a clear message, Emma reasoned. And she was in a better, stronger place to manage her triggers than she used to be.

And if she was going to do what she needed to do today it would have to be now. It was getting late and dark and tomorrow she was not sure she would be able to say the words she had been working so hard to get right in her head. The ears that needed to listen were long gone from this world, but Emma needed to be as close as possible to say what she needed to say. Her Mom always said words have power and these ones she had spent her life time working up the courage and understanding to say.

Emma stared at her bedroom door, shifting from foot to foot. Her Mom would know. Maybe not right away, but Regina would figure out what this meant. She trusted that and bravely did something she never did.

Emma closed the door.

The _click_ made her stomach knot in a sick way. More quickly she brought her fingers up to the door knob and twisted the lock until she heard another _click_. She yanked her hand back and backed away from the door as her feelings began to well up. Emma breathed and counted as she went to her closet. Then to the far side of the room.

And Emma opened a window.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Regina sighed as she set the box on the kitchen counter. She crossed the room to the refrigerator and yanked open the door, pulling out a large bottle of chilled water. After gulping down several swallows, Regina wearily sank onto one of the wooden stools by the island in the middle of the kitchen. The room was cold again and rain continued to slap against the house outside.

She placed the water bottle on the counter, and then dropped her head into her hands. After a moment, she rubbed her fingers over her face, using the brisk motion to relieve some of the tension and regret that always surged into her senses whenever she left Emma in the bedroom for a time out. Especially when they were not seeing eye to eye. This time though the tension didn't fade away. It throbbed heavily against Regina’s temples as she ran over the details of what had happened in her mind.

Quite honestly, she admitted to herself that she had felt more than hurt about her daughter’s claim. Perhaps she had been too harsh in her response and she paused. Had she been reacting instead of responding to Emma’s outburst? There was a definite distinction and right now Regina wasn't sure if she could tell the difference—and that bothered her greatly. As this question spun in circles in her mind, she very suddenly didn't want to be alone with herself.

Quickly she got up from the stool and pulled her phone from her pocket. Fighting tears she pressed a few buttons and held the phone to her ear. After the second ring Mal’s velvet voice filled her ear and Regina felt her tears begin to slip.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Mal watched the umpteenth lap Regina took around the kitchen as she waited for a response to her question. Regina had said nothing right away in answer and so she waited. After a few minutes and gently, she asked a different question entirely. One she hoped would give some pause to the pacing. "I sensed you were having a hard time this week. Is there a reason you didn’t want to tell me why when I asked?" Regina had been avoidant of her inquires on such lately. She finally set down her keys on the countertop next to a wadded bundle of tissues.

"It’s not like that Mal.”

“Then what is it like?” Hands out and open. “I just want to understand so I can help.”

“I don’t need help.”

Mal raised both brows and simply waited.

“Don’t get mad at me. I can't deal with both you and Emma mad at me. And this is about my daughter right now, not us." Regina tried to steer the conversation away from the fact that she knew why Mal was looking at her that way. The way that made her walls want to come tumbling down.

"I am not mad. Far from it, Regina. Now that I'm here and you have yet to open up and tell me why, have you considered this might be about us in some way? At least a little bit." She tilted her head to the side and eased her hands around a waist as Regina tried passing once more, stilling those feet from moving. "Why won't you let me be there for you? Not just when things are good, but when you are feeling like this?"

Regina blinked hard to keep herself together. "Because when things get hard, I don't go running for help. I don't do that. I've _never_ had that option, Mal." Feeling defensive, she slipped away from those hands and rounded the corner of the island to stand near the stove. She braced herself against the countertop with her hands as a wanting sob bobbed in her throat. She swallowed it and her heart down. “Maybe you should go.”

"You called me and I'm here. Now, you don't want me here." Mal ran her hand over her face as she came closer to the island trying to make sense of what was really going on. “If you really want me to go, I will.” She stood right behind Regina and turned those shaking shoulders around. Their eyes met. "But I don’t think that is what you really want is it?”

Regina let out a breath and shook her head.

“It's been you and Emma all along. All I'm wondering is how you need me to fit into that?"

"Don't ask me that yet Mal.” Yet had been six months of patience and really more from the woman wanting to make everything better for her. Her heart hurt with a need she fought giving into. “Right now I've got a little girl I love more than life itself upstairs who told me I’m not her mother. And I called you and…”

"Yes, you called me.” Softer and patient. “And I’m here.”

"I know. I just…” Regina faltered again as tears leaked from her eyes and down her cheeks. "Damn it." She mumbled as she tried to wipe them away, but they kept coming.

"All I'm saying is—"

"I _know_ Mal." Regina turned her back and stepped away to try and regain her center, but the further she moved the tighter her chest felt.

"No, Regina. You don't know. Not really. And the idea that I am here for you even when you are pushing me away is scary for you because of your past, but it doesn’t have to keep being that way." Mal went to sit back down on one of the kitchen stools. She took a long drink from the half empty bottle on the counter as she eyes the pile of tissues and after a moment her eyes softened even more. "I'm here and I’m staying."

Regina spun around, her lips parted. She looked at Mal then, taking in the concerned frown, the set of that mouth, and the worried creases around those beautiful eyes. She swallowed hard losing eye contact and licked her lips as she forced herself to give an honest answer to the question asked earlier. "I don't know how to let others love me very well.” She began in a choked whisper, crossing an arm over her stomach as her other hand moved to finger the necklace at her throat. "But I really need you to." After a moment she lifted her wet eyes to meet blue.

Mal quietly got up and came around the counter. She pulled Regina into a hug and rested her chin on the top of a head. Almost instantly Regina melted into her, soaking her shirt.

After a minute of tears Regina tried to explain. "It feels like I’m failing. I try so hard with her. I love her so much and she just keeps fighting me.” Her voice cracked and she closed her eyes as Mal leaned down to kiss her cheek.

"What happened exactly, Regina? Hmm? Tell me."

Regina shook her head, but managed to relay the events. “And I was upset with her, what she said. I let it get to me and now…" She shrugged at a loss.

"And now that you both have had some time you go try again. Just like you always do with her. It sounds like she is just as upset as you, but maybe it’s not about what you think. Misunderstandings happen, Regina and its okay that you are upset too. You’re human and you have more patience than any parent I have ever seen. Maybe right then her words did get to you, but you’ll talk and fix it together. It’s what you both do so well."

Regina sniffed and sighed to herself. "Maybe you’re right, sometimes though I just wish…"

"That you didn’t have to do this by yourself."

With recognition Regina opened her eyes and pulled back to look up. "You said that to me once before. Do you remember?"

Mal nodded. "On the steps of the courthouse. You had just gotten the news about your sister—and I meant what I said that day Regina. Just as I am saying it now. You don't have to do this on your own anymore. I’m right here, if you let me be." She assured and used her thumb to wipe the tear streaks from those cheeks.

Leaning on trust, Regina let go entirely. “I think I’m ready to let you.”

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"It's really coming down out there." Mal pulled back the drapes and peered out the window at the sheets of rain pouring from the sky in the dimming twilight.

"And there's no sign of it stopping anytime soon either." Regina agreed as she poured some of her homemade spiced cider into a mug before she joined Mal at the window. She handed over the mug with a quick peck on the cheek as she glanced at the clock. Just past the time she should return, but calmer and ready now she was to try again with her daughter. "I’m going up to talk to Emma."

Mal nodded and sipped the hot brew, continuing to watch the rain.

Regina hurried up to her daughter's room, immediately put off when she rounded the corner. The door was closed. Quicker she moved toward it, turning the knob. It wouldn't budge.

"Emma? Baby, open the door.” Regina tried the knob again and pressed her ear to the door. Hearing nothing she began to get a pulling sensation in the pit of her stomach.

Wrong. This was wrong in all the ways a closed door should not be.

She knocked again, this time harder. The pulling was getting stronger and sharper the more she banged on the door. Her promise to Emma to never shut doors pulsed in her mind. For who had shut a door on Emma in more ways than one and the price paid that closed door symbolized—both had been damning for her daughter. Regina’s mind fought in her rising concern with the hard parts of the past year she wished she could forget; her mother’s visit at work, Emma’s prolonged silence, the funeral, her sister’s silhouette under a white sheet, the last words said between them on the porch last Christmas, Emma’s reveal about the abuse, and all of it because of that memory in the… Then Regina heard footsteps on the stairs and her name breaking her train of thought.

"Regina? Is everything alright?"

"She won't open the door.” Regina twisted the knob frantically.

Mal pulled Regina back and braced herself using her shoulder to hit the door—hard. In two shoves she forced the door open.

The room appeared empty.

"Don't panic. She has to be here somewhere." Mal tried to calm as they searched the bedroom for Emma.

"I left her up here by herself—" Regina's voice broke with new tears as she opened her daughter’s closet after checking under the bed, hoping as if by some miracle Emma would jump out and declare she was playing hide and seek.

"We'll find her." Mal circled the room once more before going over to the window. She ran her fingers over the ledge. "The sill is wet.” She opened the window and her face was immediately pelted with rain. She looked down, noting the leveled incline of the roof, the trellis on the side of the house. "She climbed down. She's out in this mess somewhere."

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"We'll take my truck. The roads are bound to be a bit flooded." Mal insisted as she tugged on her coat.

Regina nodded numbly as she pulled on a pair of boots and her leather jacket. She followed outside into the rain. For the next half hour they drove up and down the neighboring streets. As they scanned the sidewalks Regina used her cell phone to call Granny and Ashley hoping against all odds that Emma was safe and warm at one of those houses. When the second call had yielded nothing, Regina began to feel even sicker.

"We should think about calling the police Regina.”

“Just keep looking." Regina shook her head, refusing to believe the worst, but knew Mal was right. She wracked her brain trying to think about where Emma would go. Closing her eyes, Regina thought through the whole day. She played out every conversation, every moment over again trying to figure out where and why Emma would have shut the door—and run. Thought back to this morning and how upset Emma had seemed, especially over the bowls. She had forgotten…

 

_"Sorry baby, I forget sometimes."_

_"Yeah, you do."_

 

Then again in the bedroom when they had been going back and forth over the shirt. But it wasn’t about the shirt. It couldn’t be just that. Emma always gave her clues. She just didn’t always know how to read them.

 

_“You have no respect for my stuff and I don’t want to do this today! I need you to take me—“_

 

Today. _Today_ was important. Last year today… Regina opened her eyes suddenly. "Mal, the graveyard—Turn here.”

"You’re sure?" Even as Mal asked she turned the wheel sharply and headed toward the cemetery.

Regina was of that direction for what had been said today. Words she had misunderstood when Emma had been trying to tell her something else…

_“You’re not my mother._ ”

And on the same day this time last year, one she remembered vividly for what had happened, Emma had been processing the bathroom memory of Zelena while sitting on her lap in the living room. The closed door. The trigger. More of her daughter’s words said then after the reveal floated through her mind from that day…

_“I never asked her to be my mother.”_

But Emma had asked _her_ to be _Mom_.

Regina paled as she made the connection. "I'm only sure of one thing right now." She finally answered as she watched the streetlights zip past through the window.

 She had forgotten, but Emma had not. It was a year to the day when her heart had changed for good against her sister. When Regina had shut that door on the feelings that cost too much. She and Emma had both known it had then; when a betrayal too great to forgive had been made known. They had talked about that memory, about the sexual abuse a few times and Emma had processed in therapy and it had not come up again. Dr. Hopper had said not to push Emma to talk about it so she hadn’t after learning the truth, but she often wondered if she should have.

Regina shivered as she felt Mal's hand rub her knee reassuringly when she felt anything but reassured. She felt that day all over again; the rage at her sister, her heart breaking for her daughter, and the pieces of it that wanted to mend if only she’d let it. But she was still too angry at Zelena. For the suicide and the alcohol and the abuse. And for abandoning Emma and for what her daughter had suffered as a result. After a few minutes drowning in these feelings, the cemetery came within sight. She had tried to protect Emma by not talking about it. By waiting for Emma to be ready and how she had responded when her daughter finally was made her stomach turn inside out.

 Mal turned on the auxiliary lights on the truck to further illuminate the street. What she recognized as Emma’s bike glowed eerily from its resting place against the stone wall. Before she could even fully stop the truck Regina opened the door and took off running down the walkway, and through the metal arch that led into the graveyard.

Weaving her way among the statutes of cherubs and saints, through the scatter of trees and headstones, she finally spotted a crouched figure near a lone leaning pine tree in the distance. Regina’s heart leapt and a quick rush of energy surged through her chilled muscles as she sprinted toward the tree.

She had done the responsible thing after Zelena’s suicide; the right thing by her daughter and the memory of her sister when they had been children. But Regina had not felt anything at funeral. She had already felt too much leading up to it; had let Emma have choices in everything from the coffin to the ceremony when interest had been shown in those green eyes. Emma had picked out the grave marker too. The one her daughter appeared to be sitting on now as she neared. It was a large granite slab with a boarder of roses and thorns wrapped around the name, Zelena West.

A small ceremony had been held with neighbors and friends who had come to show their support. But Regina couldn't remember anything about the ceremony. The only thing she could recall was how tightly Emma had gripped her hands through the whole thing. So tight, that her hands had gone numb along with the rest of her.

As she neared the grave she knelt down by the shivering girl. In one quick motion Regina slid off her jacket and wrapped it around Emma before pulling her daughter into her arms and began to cry so hard that she couldn't speak.

Emma was glad to see her Mom, but so cold and wet she couldn't move her arms up to return the embrace. She wondered too over those tears. Her Mom never cried like this. Her teeth chattered as she tried to speak. "You remembered." But her Mom’s head shook and she was held closer than she ever thought possible.

That's the way Mal found them, two hearts beating together against the rain.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Emma was cold.

She had never been so cold in her life. Every part of her felt like ice, numb to the point of burning. Emma tried to wiggle her toes in her boots, not sure if she was successful or not. She shivered hard and nestled her head against her Mom’s shoulder. They followed Mal through the front door and up the grand staircase. Right into the master bedroom they went and she was set down by the bathroom door. On wobbling legs her Mom began to take the coat she had been clutching this whole time off. Clothing was plastered wet and soaking to her body.

"I'll go make some something warm to drink and get a fire going." Mal grabbed a towel for herself from the bath before she went downstairs to give them space.

As Regina worked the drenched overalls down her legs, Emma tried to unbutton her shirt underneath. Her movements were shaky and slow. Her fingertips tingled. Before she had the first button undone Regina took over for her and quickly added the shirt to the wet pile of clothes at her feet. Emma hugged herself as she watched Regina go into the bathroom. The woman sat on the edge of the tub and turned on the faucet so it would begin to fill up. Though deep the tub filled swiftly. Emma followed and took off her undershirt and panties as quickly as she could before she lowered herself into the hot water.

All at once her skin was prickly and on fire, and then slowly, she relaxed as the shock of heat worked its way deep into her frozen muscles. She ducked down under the water and then up to sit hugging her knees as Regina scooped warm water up and over her back and shoulders. The whole time they were silent. Every few seconds Emma would steal a glance at Regina and in return for her gaze she got a watery smile.

Only after Regina was sure Emma was thoroughly warmed up and the sopping clothes in the hamper she began to soap a cloth and left it on the ledge. She stood. "I'm going to change while you wash up and then I'll be right back." Regina explained and began to un-tuck her wet blouse as she walked toward the door.

"Mom?"

At that word Regina felt herself sway in the doorway. She took a breath before turning around. Emma looked so young to her then with damp hair slicked back and wide green eyes looking up in askance. For a moment Regina recalled a time, many years ago when that look coming from Emma was something new and foreign to her. Now, as she looked into those eyes, eyes so much like her own but for color; they were raw and vulnerable. And Regina remembered Emma’s question of that affection now and before; it had not been one in the way she had taken it. In that clarity she leaned against the doorway and answered the way she had the first time Emma had asked her that question.

 “I’m right here, baby."

Emma lowered her chin to her knee as she swirled her fingers in the water. "I just needed to hear you say it."

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

After her bath followed by her warmest pajamas, Emma sat in the living room, snuggled next to her Mom on the sofa. She warmed her hands around a mug of hot coco as she watched Mal add another log to the sparking flames in the fireplace. Mal had even set out the jar of cinnamon sticks for her to add to her coco and had not assumed to mix the two beforehand. That detail had given her pause. Mal had learned that about her and other things and how she needed them to be. Emma sighed letting that thought go after taking another sip as her Mom shifted next to her.

Regina had changed into a pair of flannel PJs and offered Mal her largest bathrobe and a blanket while her clothes dried. For a while they were all quiet, and the only noise was the sap crackling off the burning logs. Emma watched as the red and yellow of the flames danced with the blue. She sensed her Mom looking at her and closed her eyes for a moment, aware that those red lips were about to speak.

"We need to talk about what happened, Emma."

Emma squirmed as she nodded, knowing that it couldn't be put off any longer. The fact that Mal was there, just across the room did not faze her. Not after tonight. The way Mal had nearly picked them both up and taken them to the truck and the way Mal had looked at them both during the ride home was enough for Emma to be comfortable with this additional presence. She opened her eyes to stare down into her half empty mug. "I’m sorry."

Regina raised a brow and wrapped her arm around Emma's shoulders pulling her in close. "I think it’s me who owes you an apology baby.”

“But I yelled at you and messed up the box and ran and everything.“

“You did.” Nodding. “And while those things are not okay I also did a few things that did not help. I snapped at you and interrupted when you were trying to tell me something important.” Then needing to be sure. "Is that part of why you ran away?" Regina cupped her daughter’s chin and lifted. "Were you that angry with me that you couldn't tell me what was wrong when I asked?"

"Sort of, but I tried to tell you what I needed to do and why I was mad about the shirt and you wouldn't listen." The girl sniffed and blinked rapidly as she tried to explain. "You were mad at me for what I said and I didn't mean it how I said it. It came out wrong.”

Swallowing the thick of her anxiety down Regina asked. “Wrong how baby?”

“You’re not my mother. Ma is my mother and she had me, but she didn’t do the things a Mom should. You do.” For once her words flowed. These so right words. “You’re my Mom because you know me. How I need things to be. You tuck me in and make sure I do the stuff I’m supposed to do even if I don’t want do them. You help me with my homework and read to me and teach me stuff. You hold me and talk to me and spend time with me. She never did that. I don’t think she knew how.”

Regina’s lips parted, but she didn’t speak.

“But today I wanted to go see her, to tell her that I understand why she couldn’t do those things or be there for me. That I know she was sick and it’s not okay what she did to me, but I know why she left me now.” Emma went on trying to hold eye contact. “She told me in the car on the drive over here that day. Ma said something about giving me my best chance and that she was not it.”

Regina’s mind reeled. Her words mingling with her sister’s words on the porch at Christmas echoed in her ears…

 

_"One call Zelena and the police will be here to arrest you for violating a restraining order.”_

_“Against what?” Nerve and something else with a wicked edge spoke. “Wanting to see my own daughter? I have rights Regina—”_

_“You have no rights when it comes to Emma.”_

_Zelena’s mouth twisted sharply. “_ _Because you had them fucking terminated.”_

_“No, y_ _ou did by not showing up to the rights hearing to make a claim on her.” Regina tossed that fire ball right back into her sister’s court._

_Fists clenched. “Y_ _ou know I couldn’t.”_

_“Again no._ _You chose not to Zelena.”_

_“_ _I would have been arrested.” Another excuse through gritted teeth._

_“A_ _nd deservedly so.” Regina firmly concluded. “I did what was best for Emma.”_

_Blue eyes flashed. “And so did I.”_

Emma’s voice regained Regina’s attention. “I didn’t get it then, but now I do.”

Those words and Emma’s reveal now made sense. Not abandoned then, but Zelena had given over Emma to her care. The reverse idea she had never considered made Regina’s head hurt. On some level, no matter where the reason came from in that mind, maybe Zelena had wanted what was best for Emma in some way. Regina teetered on the fine edge of that understanding and of the price paid until Zelena had made that choice to give Emma that chance. The cost, what her little girl had suffered through, was still too much for her heart to forgive.

But her daughter seemed to feel differently and that gave Regina’s heart pause.

“I didn't think you'd want to Mom, but I wanted to go together today to tell her that." Looking down, Emma took a few breaths before continuing, not sure how her feelings would be taken. "We never really talk about her. We never go and see her. I wanna take flowers to her sometimes; I wanna feel like I can talk about her." Her voice grew smaller and smaller as she spoke and then she felt her parent's body stiffen. “And you do that every time I try to. You get upset and I don’t want you upset—” Thinking. “Then it’s hard for me to talk about her. Last Christmas when she came to the house I remember…."

Regina looked away from Emma for a moment as the girl began to describe the last time they had both seen Zelena alive. Instead she looked over to ottoman near the fire where Mal sat watching them. She got an encouraging nod before Mal turned back to poke at the flames. Suddenly the room was too warm.

"Why didn't you tell me about the stuff she brought me?" Emma asked.

"You knew about that?" Regina answered with another question as she wiped at the liquid starting to seep from the corner of her eye.

"I found the bag she brought in the trash when I took it out before we left for the Children’s Clinic Christmas party. I was trying to help clean up from dinner ‘cause you were in a hurry to go and I just knew it was from her. She had it on the porch with her.” Shrugging.

"You were so upset about seeing her and I just didn't know what else to do. There was more in that bag than you know about Emma. I was trying to protect you." Regina reasoned remembering how violently Emma had reacted to seeing Zelena. The memory faded as another question entered her mind. "But what does that have to do with how upset you were about the clothes today?"

"The blue shirt was in that bag and you wanted me to get rid of it."

Regina’s eyes closed at her mistake.

"It was the only thing from her that was close to my size and I needed it.” Emma's voice cracked as she thought about how it had been tossed on the bed, like something unwanted. “I don't know why, I just did. I thought you'd be upset, so I hid it." With those words Emma buried her face in Regina's chest as she began to cry.

And Regina kissed the top of Emma's head as she pulled the girl up to sit up on her lap. "Oh baby, no. I'm so, so sorry."

 For several minutes her Mom rocked back and forth as Emma cried out her confusion and heartache of the last year. Finally, it was going to be okay. They had not really talked about her mother since she broke her period of silence over the suicide. Tried too, but it had been far too raw for both of them. But now she was ready and she thought maybe her Mom might be ready too.

Regina looked across the room once more, beckoning with her eyes.

Mal stopped fiddling with the fire and rose from the ottoman to come and sit next to Regina. She wrapped an arm around a shoulder and very gently reached up to rub Emma's back as Regina seemed to find her voice. She could detect the merest amount of tremble in that tone and understood just how much it took for Regina to be vulnerable in the conversation to come.

"Anytime you want to we can go and see her baby.” Regina began. “We can take her flowers and talk about her. Just ask me and I'll be happy to take you. When I walked into that room and found you gone— I don't want to ever feel that way again." As she said this she leaned in and kissed Emma's cheek. "And I'm not angry that you want to see her or talk about her and I never will be." Regina tried to assure as she searched for the right words. "What you and I have together sweetheart is special. And it’s okay that you still have feelings for your mother. Those don’t go away nor should they, but let's talk about them when you need to. When you said I was not your mother I let my insecurities get the better of me. I did not stop and let you explain yourself fully and for that I am so sorry. I misunderstood what you meant.”

 “That’s how I feel lots of times.” Emma’s head shot up more than able to relate. “I don’t always know how to let you help me when that happens though.

Regina tucked Emma back up against her, leaning further into Mal for support. “That’s a tough and sometimes scary feeling.” It seems they had those feelings in common tonight.

“It can be.” Glad she was understood, Emma tried to explain more.  "I'm sorry for scaring you when I left. I just couldn't wait any longer and I knew you would find me. You always do.”

"And I'm sorry for not knowing what you needed from me and I should have, but I had no idea you wanted to go there today. I know I didn’t do a good job of listening to you earlier, but I will try much harder in the future.” Then vulnerable. “I don't always know what you’re thinking and feeling. I don't know everything all the time Emma, no matter how much you may need me to."

“Is that why Mal helped you find me?”

“In a way. I needed some help myself tonight…” Regina said, but lost her words. Rare for her and she turned her head to Mal for support.

"Your Mom is an incredible woman, Emma and she would do anything in this world for you."

At that sure voice Emma pulled away from her Mom’s chest long enough to shift in that lap to better see blue eyes. The hand rubbing her back paused for a moment.

As Emma searched her eyes Mal remembered when that look use to startle her with the intensity. But that was just how Emma looked when trying to read others and she smiled, just waiting.

Emma knew those words spoken to be true, but she wondered something else. "How do _you_ know that?"

"Because I know that you're the first person she thinks about when she wakes up in the morning and the last person she thinks about when she falls asleep at night.” Mal explained easily. “And that is one of the things I love most about her."

Emma studied Mal for another second with a bit of a grin hinting at the corners of her mouth before cupping her Mom's ear with her hand and whispering quietly.

Mal watched amused as she wondered what was so secret that she couldn't hear about just then.

Slowly Regina grinned and gave her daughter a tight squeeze as she nodded encouragingly. Emma sat up on her lap and leaned forward to wrap her arms around Mal in a quick hug.

Surprised at the sudden display of affection Mal smiled. "What was that for?"

Grin all teeth, Emma showed the deep dimple by her mouth, as she settled back into her Mom’s arms. "For knowing us."

Regina looked down at her daughter with a twinkle of surprise in her eyes. Sometimes when she least expected it Emma seemed to know things beyond her years. She moved her gaze, then to Mal, a woman who had eased into their lives slowly over the last year. A woman she had begun to see quite differently. She closed her eyes for a moment, feeling the steady beating of her child's heart against her chest and Mal's arm around her shoulders.

Regina wondered then if the difference she felt; this feeling of being whole for the first time in her life; would be there when she woke up in the morning. And the morning after that, and the one after that.


	14. The Question

**Chapter 14**

**The** **Question**

**:::::::::::::::::::::::::::**

 

"I really want a laptop Mom. There are these neat decals you can put on them, too. There’s even one with Captain Marvel on it." Emma saw her Mom raise a brow and looked away, trying to focus again on the cookies she was decorating, but she was too excited. "You know for school work. And just think of all the educational games you can get me." She added carefully, knowing that at least half of her gifts would be of this nature anyway.

The corner of Regina’s mouth turned up in amusement at her daughter’s strategy, but only just. She dusted the dough in front of her with more flour before kneading it again. "I told you I'd think about it." As she turned to skim the recipe book her reading glasses slipped down her nose. When she moved to adjust them Emma burst into giggles. "What's so funny?" Regina asked suddenly as she watched her daughter try to stifle her laughter.

"Nice look Mom." Emma gave her thumbs up and bit her lip to keep from busting out again.

"What?" Regina turned then and caught sight of herself in the reflecting surface of the cooking pots strung over the stove. "Oh!" Her nose and cheeks were smudged in fine white powder. She smiled to herself and reached for a clean dish towel to wipe her face and her hands, playfully tossing the towel at Emma when she was done.

Emma caught it and tossed it back with a giggle. "Sooooooo, back to my wish list." She persisted as she added a small mountain of sprinkles to the sugar cookie in front of her.

"Go easy with the sprinkles, baby. We still have another tray to decorate."

Emma nodded as she moved on to the next cookie with an easier hand. "Ruby is getting a new bike. She said she heard Granny and you talk about it on the phone last week. Do you think I could have a new one too? I'm getting too big for my old one. Then her and I can ride together to school and—" Emma trailed off when the doorbell rang.

Regina sighed, a bit grateful for the interruption. All Emma could talk about this last week was Christmas and what all of her friends were getting. While she was glad Emma was making more friends in the last few months it seemed like there was a competition going on in her daughter’s class to see who would get the best gifts. Regina didn’t like the thought of Emma getting sucked up into the materialistic world of tweens. She reached over the cookies and took the sprinkle shaker from Emma.

"That’s probably Mal. Check the window and if it’s her answer the door for me please."

Emma eased off the stool with a small pout wanting to finish her list. "But Moomm."

Regina shook her head and rounded the island countertop to retrieve the finished tray of decorated cookies. With her free hand, she guided her daughter by the shoulder to the doorway. "Scoot."

"Okay." Emma mumbled and hurried out of the kitchen to the front door. A quick peek through the side window showed Mal in a heavy overcoat, arms loaded with wrapped packages. Emma pressed her face near the glass, calling. “What’s the password?”

Mal smirked before those blue eyes crossed and her face morphed into a goofy one. She laughed as Emma made one in return before unlocking the door. Their game of greeting whenever she answered the door always left her in stitches.

Emma thought Mal was silly in a way she had come to like very much. She flung open the door and reached for a bag that was slipping from the woman's arm. "Are these for me?" Emma asked, so delighted at the thought that she hopped up and down. She had grown accustomed to the treats and little things Mal sometimes brought her when visiting lately.

As she set the packages she brought down by the door, Mal smiled at the eager girl. "These are my contribution to the party your Mom is helping with at the Children's Clinic." She began and stopped when she saw that sweet face fall. "But now that I think about it there is one in here for you somewhere after all."

Brightening and eying the packages anew, Emma started to un-wrap them with her eyes.

"Where's your Mom?"

"In the kitchen baking—" Emma's voice was suddenly drowned out by her Mom’s.

"Baby, shut the door please. I can feel the draft all the way in the kitchen." Calling, Regina stood in the kitchen doorway down the hall as she took off her apron. Spotting Mal she tossed the flour covered thing into the laundry room on her way over.

Emma shut the door and went over to the pile of presents Mal had set down and began to fish through them. She shook one package and grimaced a bit at the obvious sound of kissing behind her. That was something she was still getting used to, but it didn’t bother her as much as it used to for how happy her Mom seemed with Mal. A moment later she felt her Mom’s hand on hers, pulling her up and away from the pile.

"Those are not for you." Regina reminded and let go of her daughter as Mal coughed softly next to her.

"I told her that there is one in there for her." Mal could feel the uneasiness of her mistake creep up into her voice, turning her face a bright pink. “A little one… Somewhere.”

Regina sighed and rubbed the back of her neck, "Emma, go and check the oven timer for me please."

"But Mom, she said she had one for me."

Regina raised her brow and nodded to the kitchen.

Confused on why the adults seemed to need a minute, Emma shuffled down the hall.

"I didn't mean to do it again." Mal stated, opening her both hands in a plea for understanding.

Shaking her head, Regina took those hands into her own. "I told you no more gifts. She's been spoiled these last few weeks. You can't bring her a present every time you come over. She won't stop liking you if you stop bringing her things."

Sheepish. "It’s just that it took so long for her to open up to me and I like seeing her smile."

"I know, but it has to stop." Then Regina softened. "Thank you for caring so much about her, I love that you do, but you can't win her affection this way."

"Alright, no more gifts…” Adamant, Mal agreed readily and then thought about Emma’s face again. “Starting next time."

"Mal, starting now. Please go and tell her you were mistaken." Regina pulled back and tapped a chest for emphasis while struggling to keep a serious face for the ever effective puppy eyes Mal was making.

"I can't do that, did you see her face? She’s expecting it. There is bag of stocking stuffer items. I’ll give her one of the Lip Smacker packs. It’s cold anyway and useful, not really a gift _gift_ per say." Mal pleaded with Regina pulling her back over. She leaned in then and smoothly kissed a cheek near an ear feeling caramel skin warm under her lips.

Regina closed her eyes and letting Mal linger for a long moment. She bit her lip giving in. "Alright, but this is absolutely the last time." She whispered, relenting to that request. "Another kiss like that won't save you a second time Mal." She pulled back and shook her finger in jest.

"Mom, are the cookies supposed to be smoking?" Emma called from down the hall as she poked her head around the corner.

"What?" Regina turned sharply away from Mal and started to hurry towards the kitchen.

"Just kidding!" Emma covered both hands over her mouth as a giggle escaped. "They're fine. Can I have one? They smell so good."

"After lunch you may." With that comment the smile disappeared right from her daughter’s face.

"But I’m not hungry like that and I'm going over to Ruby's and wanted to take one to share." Emma confirmed and went past her Mom to go and get her coat from the hall closet.

Regina reached out and gently caught Emma about the shoulders. "Hold it right there. Since when are you telling me instead of asking me?"

“Hold what where?” Then thinking through the rest of her Mom’s words and what else they could have meant and realizing. "Oh, since never, sorry. Can I go to Ruby's?" Emma looked from brown eyes to a red mouth. "Please?"

"Much better, thank you. That's _‘may I’_ and not today. We have some errands to run this afternoon and then the children's Christmas party at the clinic to attend. You know that."

"Mom, I don't want to go. They're all little kids and I won't have any fun. And Ruby and I need to work on stuff."

“Stuff like homework?” Not recalling any on her daughter’s school calendar through the winter holiday.

“No…” Squirming. “Like just stuff, stuff.”

That was new information. While Emma detested crowds still the party was a well known and planned for event her daughter looked forward to each year. "I hear you and I understand if you don’t want to go, but I need your help. Maybe you two can get together tomorrow instead.”

“But I need to do this stuff with her _now_. It’s important.”

“Again, I hear you, though my answer is the same. Not today baby.”

Sensing Mom and daughter needed a moment from the storm coming to Emma’s eyes Mal decided to make her exit. "Regina, I'll be back around dinner time then, for tree decorating?" Asking to confirm their plans for that night.

"Yes, at 6 o'clock. Thank you for bringing by the gifts." Regina gave Mal a warm smile.

"Bye Emma. Your Mom knows what item in that pile is yours and go easy on her. Remember; Santa's watching you." She winked using two fingers to point to her eyes and then at Emma. That seemed to loosen the girl up a bit and she got a small grin from Emma and a wink from Regina in return. She adjusted her scarf before heading out the door and back into the cold afternoon.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"I don't understand why I have to go." Emma stated as she handed her Mom the last of the packages to put in the trunk of the car.

Regina sighed and shut the trunk. The last few hours since Mal left Emma had indeed gone easy on her, only picking up the fight as they were getting ready to leave. "I still have a little shopping to do for the nurse’s helping with the party and I want you to pick out a gift to give to one of the children.” That to do item seemed to get Emma’s attention and she hoped in a positive way. “We can have it gift wrapped at the mall. Besides, I need your help carrying the gifts and the cookie platters into the party." She explained as she went around to the driver’s side.

“Can’t you just drop me off at Ruby’s instead?”

“Emma.” Warning.

“Fine.”

And Emma slammed the car door in response. Regina could see her through the window in the back seat sulking. She stood outside in the cold a moment longer, letting the chill settle on her skin calming her before she got into the car.

The drive to the mall was quick and Regina did her best to help change her daughter’s mood on the way. But Emma was in a temperamental state that was not budging. Why the party was an issue she had tried asking again and Emma very adamantly stated the same as was said before they got into the car to leave. At least Emma was sharing her feelings, a small thing to be thankful for and for that Regina let the grumbles go unchecked.

Eventually, Emma became distracted by all the window displays they passed as they walked. She held her Mom’s hand, leaning in close as was her habit when in busy places. That comfort helped, until she recognized one of the girls from her class at school. And under the look of recognition coming her way she slipped her hand from her Mom’s only to have it taken right up again and squeezed. She squeezed back automatically before pulling away again.

“Mom. I’m okay.” She said when brown eyes looked down at her in question. “I don’t need to.” Only half true on needing her Mom close, but right then the most popular girl in her class was looking at her in such a way that made Emma’s tummy tight. Ever since the botched sleepover she and Ruby had been invited to last month, Jessica Barnes had been on the war path with both of them. Teasing had been relentless and Emma wanted no reason to give the girl fuel to taunt her after winter break. Ruby was taking it especially hard and Emma had had about enough of it one afternoon at lunch recently.

Jessica and her posse had cornered them both at their table poking her and Ruby with words and fingers until Emma had stood right up and very loudly told her to stop it. Then it was too much and Emma had started counting to calm down. Jessica heard her and began counting too in a mocking way that made Emma’s eyes sting. She had left the room after that to hide in the restroom until lunch was over, but Jessica had found her and wanted something in return for leaving them alone. Emma had promised to get what Jessica asked for if Jessica promised to stop teasing them, Ruby especially. That had been two days ago and Emma was no closer to getting something that fit the description of what Jessica wanted; had been worrying her mind over a way to get it. She had already spent the last of her saved allowance on a gift for her Mom and even a little something each for Mal, Granny and Ruby too.

Mom had asked what was bothering her when she had been tucked in that night after Jessica had cornered her. Honest, Emma said what she usually did in a case like this; that other kids didn’t understand her; that her differences made it hard to be her sometimes. They had talked about what to do if that was the case. How to work through and let go of those feelings. She was reassured her Mom loved her and was kissed goodnight. But Emma didn’t want to let it go. Jessica was a bully. She knew that, but she also wanted to solve this problem herself.

Emma thought about this as she followed her Mom into the nearest store, leaving Jessica staring after her. In Macy's while Regina paused to go through a rack of cashmere sweaters, Emma found the hat display. For five minutes she was happily distracted while she was supposed to be looking for a gift for the party, she took great pleasure in trying on and posing the various women's hats before she spotted what might just solve her problem. What she was sure Jessica would consider the most adorable mini backpack. It was girly in such a way that made Emma’s nose wrinkle; pink, glitter, princess-y.

Totally Jessica. Yuck.

Emma hurried over to it and unzipped all the little pouches and ran her fingers over the princess crown design etched into the leather. Yes, this was perfect and would meet the requirements of the deal she had made. Yet she knew her Mom wouldn’t buy it for her, not today at any rate.

Today was about other people and other kids. Ones that did not have what she had. Told the reason behind the party and the clinic’s operation in general a long time ago Emma knew how important this party was to her Mom and more so to the kids and families that attended. Emma glanced at the price tag and winced for a few reasons; nearly $40.00 for a little accessory. She felt someone standing over her then and turned to see her Mom looking down at her.

"There you are baby. I told you to stay where I could see you."

"Sorry, I was just looking around.” Then shifting foot to foot. “Are you finished?"

"Almost, I just need a few more things. Did you find a gift yet?" Regina asked.

"No, I'm still looking." Emma said, and then suddenly got an idea on how to fix both problems. "I know we're in a hurry so can you just give me the money and I'll wait for you by the gift wrapping counter?" Regina looked at her for a moment before glancing around at the store of busy shoppers. Emma saw the lines of hesitation on her Mom's face for more reasons than leaving her on her own and while Emma was struggling a little with the crowded feeling she was in a good place to manage that thanks to the consistency and time spent learning how to manage her emotions. Still she played it off as something else. "Mom I'm eleven. I can handle a little shopping."

Sighing before relenting, Regina glanced at her watch and noted they were indeed short on time. She dug into her purse and handed Emma the only cash she had; a folded hundred dollar bill. "Keep this in your pocket. Look around the children's department here and see what you can find. When you're done, go straight to the gift wrapping center over there and wait for me, alright?"

Emma pocketed the cash and nodded happily.

“Fifteen minutes I expect you to be right there.” Confirming again in her worry over letting Emma out of her sight.

“I will. Promise.”

She watched her Mom hurry off to another department before turning back to the mini backpack. Part of her felt guilty for what she was about to do. The other part of her mind rationalized that she was still listening to her Mom by getting a gift. Taking the backpack in hand she went over to a display of music boxes in the corner of the children's department.

Emma found a nice white box with a glass top that played the _Sleeping Beauty_ theme song when opened. The music box was twenty five dollars on sale and gift wrapping was at least ten dollars, and the backpack was forty, so she'd give her mother back twenty five dollars in change. It would work. She kept telling herself that as she started to go over to the nearest register and stopped suddenly when she saw a display of action figures and one in particular she was missing from her collection.

Captain Marvel called to her from inside bright plastic packaging. She had been obsessed when the movie came out. She picked it up and looked it over. It was miniature version of the bigger action figures in her collection and she eyed the price. Five bucks. She shifted on her feet in thought. She wouldn’t get her allowance again until next week. But maybe she could just pay her Mom back if she borrowed some now in advance, slip the money back into a purse. It would be even that way, right? Emma’s tummy turned completely over at that idea as she looked at the items in her hand. Short on time and giving into her want Emma nibbled her lip as she went over to the counter and made her three purchases. She put the receipt in her pocket and took everything over to the wrapping center.

At the appointed time she stood waiting by the gift wrapping counter as instructed, holding a package wrapped in red elf paper. She had carefully concealed the mini back pack and action figure in the bag under her coat. As long as she held the gift box close to her stomach the bag wouldn't slip out. She spotted her Mom hurrying towards her with an arm full of shopping bags.

"What did you find sweetheart?" Regina asked a bit out of breath from her dash across the store.

"A music box. It's really, really nice. It was kind of expensive…” And it was at $49.99—not on sale, she reasoned. The blur of the truth made her tongue feel thick. Maybe this had not been such a good idea after all. “Here's the change." Emma handed her Mom a wad of cash she had held in her sweaty palm.

Regina put the change in her purse, not even bothering to count the crumpled bills. She wrapped her free arm around the Emma's shoulders as she guided the way out of the store. "That's great baby. I'm sure whatever child gets it will be very happy. Now let's hurry. It's almost four o'clock. The party will be starting soon." She completely missed the heavy sigh coming from those small shoulders as they exited the store.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"There are so many Dr. Mills. How wonderful! I think there's enough to give each child two gifts." The bubbly nurse at the reception stand of the children's clinic exclaimed at the pile of presents Regina and Emma had carried in. "So many people have donated this year. It really means a lot to the children. Their families have enough to handle as it is this time of year."

"I'm glad so many people have contributed. Is the party in the room off the cafe again? We can carry these in." Regina asked, but the nurse shook her head.

"No, no, that's fine. Ms. Ratchet will take everything in for you." Even as this was said the nurse was already loading their packages onto a rolling cart.

"A few of the other Doctors are here and your patients have been asking when you'd be arriving. I kept telling them you were busy playing Santa's helper. It looks like your little one here was a big help to you as well." The nurse whispered the last bit eyeing Emma who was standing close by Regina's side.

"Are you excited for Santa this year?" The nurse directed her question to Emma.

Regina could feel her daughter stiffen beside her at such a question. Even at eleven Emma was still very small for her age. With her long strawberry blonde curls and green dress she looked to be about 8 or 9 years old.

Emma scowled darkly at the woman. A comment about Santa from Mal, whose intent she knew was in jest, was one thing. From someone who did not know her she took it quite differently. She was about to comment when she felt her Mom’s reassuring hand rubbing the tense spot between her shoulder blades gently.

"Yes, we're both excited. We'll just go on in. Thank you." Regina ended the conversation before Emma could get worked up.

"I'm not _that_ little." Emma mumbled as they walked down the hallway toward the large conference room.

"Sometimes grownups say things without thinking. She didn't say it to be mean. Now remember what we talked about. If you need a break just come take my hand.” Regina reminded her as they entered the room.

Almost instantly a swarm of little boys and girls rushed towards them. Each of them squealing and calling out to Regina, happy for her attention. Regina took her time and greeted each one and the parents who came by to say their hellos. As this went on, Emma studied the room which was decorated with silver and white streamers and figurines in the theme of a winter wonderland. With the fake snow and Santa display in the corner it felt a bit like what she used to think the North Pole would be like when she had believed in Santa. She wandered to the far end of the room where there was a banquet table set up with all sorts of holiday goodies. Already their cookie plates they had made that morning had been laid out. There was a large decorated tree in another the corner where she saw Nurse Ratchet arranging the donated presents.

"Emma, come back over here, I want you to meet some people."

At her Mom’s insistence Emma went back over to greet a few of her Mom’s colleagues and was introduced. She was polite and eventually excused after a few minutes. Wandering around the room a little more some of the smaller children tried to get her to play, but she shrugged them off and went to sit down. After an hour or so of Christmas carols and a craft project she actually found herself enjoying, it was finally time for presents to be passed around.

Emma watched all the children opening their gifts. She couldn't help but feel a little off that she was the only one who had nothing to open. Well, not the only one. Some of the other Doctor’s at the clinic had brought their children too and those kids were watching as she was.

From across the room Regina could see by her daughter's expression that Emma was struggling with something. She watched as Emma's eyes softened and a small smile formed on the girl's lips. Sipping her cider, she looked to where Emma was gazing. A little girl, who was about seven and one of Regina's patients, had received Emma's gift. The child tore at the elf wrapping paper and her eyes lit up at the sight of the music box. Regina returned her gaze back to her daughter who had moved from the chair and walked over to the child. A few words were passed between the two children and then the little girl opened her arms, clearly wanting a hug. After some apparent hesitation and to her surprise, Emma reached down and hugged the young girl. Willing physical affection with a stranger simply did not happen with Emma. A gift to be given and in this case a sweet one her daughter had worked up the courage to give all on her own.

Regina felt her heart swell. It was a moment she had been waiting for all day.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"She was so happy! She really liked it." Emma was still buzzing about the party when they came into the house.

"Yes, she was. All the children had a really good time." Regina assured as she set down her purse and keys on the table by the front door.

Emma hurried up the stairs to her room, not even bothering to take off her coat. Regina was about to call after Emma when her cell phone rang. Letting her daughter go she answered as she finished sorting her things.

Once upstairs in her room Emma took the action figure out of the bag from under her coat. She stared at it sucking in her bottom lip again. She felt off just looking at it. Not ready to open it for a feeling she could not yet name she set it aside and pulled out the mini back pack from the bag next and ran her fingers over the crown design again. The pink leather was a little squished from being hidden under the car seat while she had been in the party. As she worked to smooth the wrinkles she began to think about what giving this to Jessica would mean on the first day back to school after winter break. Finally she and Ruby would be left alone. The teasing would stop and—

"Emma?"

The girl's heart leapt at the distant sound of her name. She quickly hid the items and bag in her closet before she went out into the hallway and gazed over the railing near the stairs.

Calling down. "Yeah?"

"I'm doing a load of laundry baby. Please toss me down your dress. The chocolate stain is on the hem right?"

Emma blinked once in confusion before shedding her coat. She then remembered that she had dripped some hot chocolate on her dress at the party. It was one of the few that she would willingly wear and a favorite that she didn't want stained. She pulled her dress up and over her head. "Yeah, thanks Mom." And tossed the dress over the rail. Regina caught the garment and disappeared down the hall.

Emma went back to her room and pulled on a pair of jeans and a blue sweater before going over to her closet, staring at the bag she had shoved between the mini dresser and the wall. Her stomach tightened all over again at what she had done.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Regina hummed quietly to herself as she sorted the pile of laundry on top of the dryer. She added detergent to the filling washer at her side before rubbing a stain remover into the velvet of Emma's dress.

She then checked the dress pockets. They were more for design than function, but seeing as how Emma always forgot to empty her pockets Regina made a habit of it each time she did laundry. So she was not surprised to pull out a small crumpled piece of paper. Regina quickly noted it was a store receipt and was about to discard it when she saw the total purchase price in bold at the bottom.

"$70.00 for a music box…" Regina read aloud and then looked at the individual items that had been rung up. She didn't feel anger right away. Instead a heavy sadness weighed her heart when she saw the other items that had been purchased in secret that had not appeared under the tree at the party. "Oh, Emma." She dropped the dress in the washer and shut the lid before folding the paper and putting it in her pocket. She went back into the kitchen and called Mal to tell her that the tree decorating would have to be put off until a little later in the night.

"What are you going to do about it?" Mal asked, the concern obvious in her voice after Regina had told her what happened with Emma.

"I'm still thinking about that.” There was only so much her usual methods of disciplining could teach her daughter. “And I’m upset for a few different reasons.”

“Emma is an observant kid.” Mal mused, thinking about how Emma was always watching and asking the why of things. “Is there a way you can _show_ her why what she did was wrong?”

“I have a feeling there is more to it than just her buying things for herself. I need to talk to her first and see, but you might be onto something there.” Getting an idea of how to approach this with Emma, Regina sighed. “I have an idea, but I’m not sure she will understand my reasoning behind it." Emma was used to direct discussions and specific redirection. Her idea would be more along the lines of Emma making the connections herself without her usual hand holding through working out tough feelings. Maybe, she thought, her daughter was ready for more of that independent approach.

"Don't underestimate her.” Mal said. “She's a smart kid and very insightful. She just might surprise you. Anyway, I'll come by about 8:00 then. Don't worry about cooking; I'll pick up some dinner for us all along the way."

After she hung up, Regina paced the kitchen in thought. It took several minutes before she felt ready to go upstairs. She stopped short of rounding the corner to her daughter's room and took a long, deep breath before moving forward. She knocked twice on the open door and stepped into the room.

Regina found her daughter sitting at the desk drawing. Emma didn't look up from her work as Regina went over to the twin canopy bed and sat down on the end directly across from the desk. Coming right to the point she asked. "Emma, is there something you would like to tell me?" Nothing in her tone gave away her displeasure. Emma turned slightly in the desk chair to look over a shoulder.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"That's what I was wondering. Is there anything at all you can think of that I need to know about?" Regina crossed her arms in concern and leaned forward in her seat. Always she tried to give Emma a chance to tell her first if she discovered something her daughter had hidden.

Emma slowly began to feel her insides knot up again and turned fully around in her chair. She was no good at lying and wouldn’t lie to her Mom directly. That was wrong and she knew that. But sometimes telling the whole truth when asked was hard to do so sometimes she kept it to herself. Her Mom knew that about her and seemed to know now that is what was happening. “Yes.”

"That’s a good start.” Praise to encourage as Emma began to squirm. Regina waited and when nothing more was forth coming she prompted a bit more firmly. “I would very much like to hear it directly from you young lady."

At _young lady_ Emma shot up out of her seat. Her Mom's eyes were full and cool, not soft and open as they usually were, but there was a question there waiting for an answer Emma was not sure how to give.

Regina looked away from her daughter for a moment and then gazed out the window at the overhanging gray clouds that threatened rain as she tried to find her center. She then looked over and studied the rows of books on the shelf. The antique snow globe Emma had begged to have last Christmas rested next to them acting as a bookend. On the shelf below, there was a line of marvel action figures set in various poses next to a thick stack of comics on the bottom of the bookcase.

"Do I ever deny you, within reason, something that you want?" Regina asked softly as she took in all the things Emma had in the room. When Emma didn't answer she continued. "Is there a reason, you feel like you can't be honest with me? That you feel like you have to go behind my back and use the money I gave you to buy a present for another child on yourself?"

That made Emma start. "I did what you told me to though. I bought a gift and I was gonna pay you back for the other stuff." That seemed to be the wrong answer to that question as both her Mom’s brows shot up.

Regina pulled her eyes away from her daughter's things and back to the child in front of her. She struggled to see her daughter’s logic and keep her voice steady as her upset finally began to surface. "I know I have taught you better than that.”

Chewing her lower lip Emma ducked her chin. She was allowed to for a moment before being told to look up. But she didn’t want to see the hard look of… What was that word, no—feeling? Then it hit her in the fullness of brown eyes; disappointment. She had caused that to be there in the eyes on her. Wrong, yes she knew it had been, but for her reason for one of the items she had felt okay about it somewhat at the time. She didn’t think her Mom would understand that right now though and so she remained quiet under the scolding that commenced.

"I make it a point all the time to demonstrate to you how to be selfless. We donate clothes each year, you've come with me to the clinic, and we spent the better part of this week getting ready for the party today for those children." As she spoke Regina counted off each example on her fingers. Not even believing she had to have this talk with her daughter.

Emma's eyes widened at the tone she was under. She began to pick at the sleeve of her sweater before giving up and hugging her ribs. "I didn't think it was _that_ bad. Honest, I didn't. She loved the music box I picked out and I really, really needed the back pack and I wanted…" Leaving out the action figure at the end. That is what she felt the worst about.

"You didn’t think it was that bad." Regina slowly repeated the girl's words as she ran one hand through her long hair in disbelief missing the last part of her daughter’s words in favor of thinking back to the talk they had had about gifts that morning. "You can't always have what you want Emma, especially at the expense of someone else. In this case that someone else was a child who is less fortunate than you. A lot of the children who come to the clinic have parents who struggle to put food on the table and clothes on their children's backs—" She stopped suddenly when fat, thick tears began dripping down her daughter's cheeks; like running wax when a candle flame burns too brightly.

"I didn't think about it like you said." Emma whispered. And she hadn’t in that way at all.

Softening. "Maybe not how I said, but you were thinking. Your choice to buy and hide the backpack and toy was unacceptable and not at all what I expect from you." Regina corrected and held out her hand for Emma to take. The girl shuffled over. "And having consideration for others over yourself is something I have explicitly taught you numerous times.”

"Mom, please, you don't have to." Emma whined.

"I think you demonstrated today that I do need to show you exactly what I mean to help you understand why I am upset with your choice. I also want to know why you bought and hid those things from me.”

“I’ll give them both back.” Avoiding that last statement entirely.

“It’s not that simple baby.” Regina looked between green eyes that seemed to think it really was that simple. Emma needed to think before they talked further and did anything else. “I’m going to show you that in a little bit, but first I think you need some think time on exactly what we just talked about.” Regina explained as she stood and led Emma by the hand to a bare corner of the room.

With her nose less than a few inches from the wall, the weight of Emma’s actions came crashing down on her. She hated think time spent this way. It forced all her attention to the matter at hand; nothing to do, but stand and think. A minute passed as she did just that and thought about her actions of the day. Actions that made her stomach cramp and her eyes smart. She wanted to step out and not deal with this hard feeling, like she used to do when she was younger, but her Mom had always put her right back and the time would start all over again. Emma wondered if that would still be the case as she squirmed. She didn’t realize it, but her feet inched backwards of their own accord.

“Do you want to start again?”

Freezing. “No.”

“Then you stay right there and think about what I said.”

“But Mooomm.” Emma whined still facing the wall as she took a tiny step forward to where she had been. She felt tears prick her eyes again at the truth in her Mom’s next words.

“You need a few quiet minutes to think about your feelings.” Regina confirmed in her pacing and sat down on the bed to wait out the next nine minutes. She used that time to think through her decision. Her daughter shifted back and forth under her eye. Calling at the appointed time Emma shuffled back over to the bed.

After a moment Emma felt her Mom's hand gently running up and down the length of her back in a calming fashion sensing the hard question coming again.

“Why did you buy the backpack and action figure and hide it from me?”

And Emma’s lips rolled in tight. It would be easy to come right out with it for her original reason. Her Mom would fix everything with Jessica, like always. But Emma still wanted to fix this problem herself and she thought more about just how her Mom would fix it for her and she shook her head no, not yet ready to share her reason. If she said why she got the backpack then her Mom would go to the school about Jessica or worse; call Jessica’s mother herself. Emma was not sure how that would do any good but earn her more teasing from the girl at school. And Ruby would be teased again too. Her friend didn’t deserve that.

The reason she had gotten the action figure was also one Emma was not ready to share yet. It meant she deserved the disappointment in brown eyes from earlier. Feeling the full weight of that right now as she was currently was almost too much.

Regina reached out then and lifted the Emma’s chin. "Not yet then. That’s okay for right now, but I will be asking you again a little later and I am expecting an answer.” And standing, she gave directions. “I'll be downstairs making a phone call. I want you to get the things you bought and bring them with you. Put on your coat and meet me by the front door. Is that understood?"

Emma mumbled a reply, knowing better than to question her Mom’s serious tone just then.

"That is not how you answer me when I ask you a question baby. Try again.”

For the softness there Emma did. “Yes Mom.” Emma recited as clearly as she could through her present sniffles.

"Good girl." With that said Regina gently ruffled her daughter’s hair before she left the room.

Emma slowly went over to her closet and took out the bag. Holding it tightly to her stomach, she went into the hall where she had left her coat and slipped it on before she headed downstairs. Emma saw Regina by the door ending a conversation on her cell phone.

She was ushered outside and into the car. As they drove Emma thought more about what her Mom had said and watched the scenery changing out her window. Slowly her head cleared of these heavy feelings and she began to recognize the route they were on. Confused on why they might be going where she thought they were she asked. "Where are we going?"

“I think you already know that baby. I’ll explain when we get there.” Regina turned on the radio to an all Christmas song station and began to hum quietly to the tune of _Winter Wonderland_. Emma took the hint and remained quiet the rest of the drive.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Emma pressed her face right up near the car window to better see the brick building from the other side in the dimming twilight. She knew the front of it by heart having been inside so many times, but not from _this_ side. This side was new, but not new at the same time. There was a long line of people waiting outside the back door of the Children’s Clinic.

Regina exited the car and came around to the back door and opened it. "Bring the bag with you please." She instructed when Emma started to scoot out of the car without it.

"But why are we here?" Emma gave pause as her Mom took both her arms gently and leaned down so that they were eye level.

"You are here to be reminded of something important. Something you seem to have forgotten. This is not a consequence, but an opportunity to reflect. For the next few hours I want your eyes and ears open. You are to follow any instructions given to you. Alright baby?” Regina accepted the nod and then took up Emma’s hand and led her across the parking lot and through a side door marked _Volunteers Only_. A little bell jingled above as Regina turned to shut the door.

Emma was led into a small room where Regina signed them both in on a clipboard nailed on the wall. She huddled close to her Mom as they were greeted by none other than Nurse Ratchet. But the tall thin woman was not as Emma remembered her from this afternoon. Instead of blue scrubs she was wearing an apron that said _Kiss The Cook_ on the front with a picture of mistletoe under it. Then Emma realized exactly where in the clinic they were; the kitchen of the café.

“Long time no see Dr. Mills.” Nurse Ratchet joked. “And with Emma, how lovely.”

Emma looked at the nurse in question and then back to her Mom.

"We’re here to help with the service. First, though my daughter has a few things she would like to donate." At this Regina guided Emma forward.

The girl bit her lip nervously and pulled out the backpack and action figure that had caused her so much trouble. She was almost glad to be getting rid of both. At this point she’d figure out some other way with Ruby to keep Jessica off their backs. This feeling in her stomach and her Mom’s eyes earlier, were not worth the way she had gone about trying to solve her own problem. Or the giving into her impulses as she was prone to doing and suddenly the action figure felt hot in her hand. She wanted it gone and the reminder of what meant.

Regina eyed the backpack in particular for a long moment, just now seeing it for the first time. Pink. To say Emma _hated_ the color pink was an understatement. She wondered over the color choice and that only fueled her earlier suspicion that there was a lot more to this whole thing, as there usually was, with Emma.

"I'll take her to the donation room and we can meet you on the service line. If that’s okay?” Nurse Ratchet asked.

Regina squeezed that hand in her own reassuringly and waited for Emma’s quiet answer of a squeeze in return before she affirmed. “That’s fine.”

“Here's an apron. The others are just setting up and will help get you started.”

"I remember where it is, thank you." Regina took off her coat and took the offered apron. As she tied it on she turned to Emma. "Go with Ms. Ratchet and make your donation. Remember what I told you outside and I'll see you in a minute."

Emma watched as Regina disappeared down the hall and suddenly she was left alone with this woman.

"I'll hold your things for you while to take off your coat. There's an apron on the hook there for you to put on." Ms. Ratchet said and pointed to where Regina had hung up her things. Emma slowly shed her coat and tied to the large apron best she could. She was handed a hair tie and stared at it until directed to pull her hair back in a ponytail.

Once she was deemed ready Emma followed the woman down the hall and through another door. The room was filled tons of shelves and bins. Along one wall there were racks of clothes all separated by gender and size. There were rows of shoes lined up against one wall, from the tiniest pair of baby shoes to the larger of children’s sizes. As Emma took in the scope of the room the woman led her over to a large bin marked miscellaneous.

"You can put your donation here. Someone will be very happy to get that to use for school and the toy to play with."

Emma dropped both in the bin and with a long calculating look about the room followed out and across the hall to a larger open café she recognized. All around her people were cooking, laughing, and singing to the tune of the radio that played the same station Regina had been listening to in the car. Through the mixed crowd in cooking garb Emma quickly spotted Regina up front near a long table laid out with food. She watched from a distance as her Mom spooned casserole onto an elderly man’s plate. The man tipped the rim of his hat before he proceeded down the line. Next to him a little girl wearing a gray sweatshirt who was clearly with the man held up a plate.

It hit Emma then what exactly this was. The people and who they were and why they were here. She felt more of that tightness pulling the inner walls of her stomach together and stepped backwards into the hall. Her mom had been right. She had forgotten. Gotten caught up in the season with her wants and needs and while buying the backpack had not been quite like that, it had still been about her when today should have been about others. And the toy had been about her for all the wrong reasons.

Selfish. That is the word Emma was feeling and it did not sit well with her at all.

Nurse Ratchet watched Emma digest her surroundings a moment before leaning down. "It's a little hard sometimes to see people who are hurting and hungry. But they are just like you and me. They all have families, friends, wants, and needs just like you do. Here, come on over to the dessert table. You can serve the cake. That's everyone's favorite part." She explained and showed Emma over to the end of the serving table.

Emma had to stand on a small stool to reach the passing people’s dishes with her serving spatula. For the first hour she quietly dished up dessert onto countless plates. As she served she thought about how she had been acting lately, how these people might now have what she had; a warm bed and her Mom to go home with tonight, someone who loved her and had her best interests at heart. Who knew what situation these people had to call home, if any?

She didn't know it then, but Regina had been watching her closely, waiting patiently for something. Quietly tears slipped down Emma's cheeks as the weight of these thoughts thoroughly registered. She tried to blink back her tears and wiped at her eyes with her sleeve and still they kept coming.

Suddenly she felt an arm across her middle and found herself being lifted off of the stool. Her vision blurred and she was vaguely aware of being led into the quiet empty hallway. She wasn't fully aware of where she was only of a deep ache flaming up from her stomach and into her throat as her crying started and she began to let go of these feelings on her own. She felt herself being pulled up to sit on a warm lap and finally, her Mom’s forgiving embrace, holding her close. In those arms, her tears came faster and the guilt behind them began to fade away.

"Do you understand now why I was upset with your choice earlier?” Regina asked softly as she leaned in and kissed her daughter’s cheek.

Emma nodded. "I'm sorry Mom. I didn't get it before. I forgot." She buried her face in Regina chest.

The woman calmly patted the crying girl for a moment before pulling Emma back by the shoulders so she could look at her daughter’s face. Those green eyes were downcast even as Regina cupped a chin, lifting up. "Look up at me please baby."

Slowly Emma lifted her watery eyes. “I didn’t mean to be selfish.” Regina searched her then for a long moment before speaking.

"I didn't give you think time earlier because you are selfish. You are not a selfish person Emma. You are a very giving and kind hearted girl. Earlier today at the party I think you felt some of what that felt like to put someone else first before yourself when you gave the little girl a hug. I know how affection like that can be hard for you, but you worked through your feelings, setting them aside, to do something kind for someone else.” She watched Emma digest her words and getting a nod of understanding, she continued. “Today you also made a choice to hide a purchase from me you did not have permission to get and on a day that was supposed to be about helping others.” Thinking about the action figure in particular. “You needed to be reminded about what I’ve taught you.”

“I messed up.” Admitting it and dealing with it were two hard things for Emma.

Nodding. “Sometimes you will make mistakes and that’s okay because we can learn from them and I am here to help you with that. I think you needed an eye opener today. That's why I brought you here to do this. To help your remember." Regina explained, as she tucked some stray curls behind Emma's ear.

Emma coughed to clear her throat. "I get it now. I'm really sorry Mom."

"I believe you." Regina assured and wiped at the tears on her daughter’s cheeks with her fingertips. "I think I understand about the action figure, but I want to know about the backpack and why you hid it from me. It wasn’t for you was it? Like the action figure was.”

“No it wasn’t.” Emma then started to explain her reasoning including her fears about her Mom getting involved with the whole Jessica situation on her behalf. Regina listened quietly, asking the occasional clarifying question until it was all out in the open. That weight coming off made it feel like she could breathe again and she leaned back against her Mom, tired now from holding it in for so long.

Regina felt her stomach flip hearing her baby was being teased so relentlessly. And suddenly Emma’s words from earlier made sense in their discussion and the want of going to Ruby’s today. Heart in the right place as she suspected of her daughter, but once again the way Emma had gone about it was what needed to be addressed. Still, Emma was sharing her feelings and was able to let go of them with words. It was progress indeed.

They had dealt with this girl more than once in a roundabout way. Now Regina intended to do something about it, but Emma’s worry over even more teasing from her involvement had her thinking before she spoke. It was important to her daughter that this be handled independently—at least somewhat. There used to be a time when Emma could not do this, was not able to clearly communicate things that were wrong. They had worked hard to foster this kind of independence her daughter was trying to show and she wanted to encourage that. “How do you feel about going to your principal with me with you, but you explain why we are there?”

Emma thought about that idea. “I get to talk?”

“If you’d like. That way you are handling it, but I will be there as a support. If you need me.”

“I need to talk to Ruby... Maybe she and I can do it together with you and Granny there. Just in case.” Emma sat back in her Mom’s arms as they further talked out the details. Emma would call Ruby tomorrow and share her idea and see about going to talk the first day back from break.

With that plan in place Regina gave a kiss to the top of Emma’s head. “Shall we go back in there and finish what we started?"

Emma wiped her eyes one more time on the hem of her apron and got up off of her Mom’s lap. “I want to come and do this again. Can we?” Regina smiled with a nod and stood; offering Emma her hand. Together, with lighter hearts, they went back into the café and to their places in the service line.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The house was cool and quiet as Emma crept down the carpeted stairs Christmas Eve night. The clock on the wall of the living room chimed its midnight song as the Emma’s bare feet carefully descended the steps to avoid all the known squeaks in the floorboards. The girl shivered and drew her baby blanket around her shoulders as she stopped in the middle of the stairwell and sat down on the step with Henry Bear in her lap.

From her view through the banister rails wound in garland she could see the last sparks from the hot coals dying down in the fireplace. The glow seemed to cast a red edge around the bottom of the Christmas tree. Emma watched as the flickering red and green lights danced with each other among the ornaments, tinsel, and popcorn strings.

Her stocking hung by the fireplace with a crudely stitched `J' on the front in red felt; the one she had made in 3rd grade. There was a wide green velvet tree skirt around the rim of the tree filled with wrapped presents. Some had huge, elaborate bows wrapped in gold and silver paper, and others in patterns of the season. All of them, she knew, were for her except for the one she had put under the tree before going to bed. That special one was for her Mom and the ones for her she did not feel so deserving of, even after their talk a few days ago at the clinic.

Emma shifted her hips, as she watched the tree lights. She had been doing a lot of thinking lately, especially since Mal had become more a part of their lives. Never in her mind had she ever considered the question that had been rolling through her head as of late. But it had been there brewing since April. Since her Grandmother had taken her to the café for ice cream and to drill her for information about her Mom. She had not known it then, but now she understood what that set up had been about. Her Mom had helped her to see what she had been unable to at the time.

Her Grandmother had begun their conversation with a statement that had made a question take root. One that in the moment Emma had let pass, but more and more it began to grow. The more she learned about her Mom’s past the more she yearned to know about her own and one person in particular that her Grandmother had said she looked an _‘awful lot alike.’_ It had been said in a way that Emma knew was not complementary, but rather matter of fact. As far as she was concerned she looked like no one but herself, but the sharp old woman had seemed to think differently. Then Emma had begun to wonder.

Officially Christmas since the clock had chimed a few minutes ago she wanted to ask her Mom for one thing, but worried she had already asked for far too much lately. This question had not mattered before, but now it did and she was only sure partly of why.

Emma leaned forward resting her chin on her knees. That confusion and her actions before their talk had kept her from sleeping. As the memory of their talk and the lesson remembered faded from her mind Emma noticed that the coals in the fireplace had all gone black. The only light came from the tree. She then envisioned her Mom, Mal, and herself all decorating the tree after they had gotten home from the clinic. She recalled how Mal kept eating the popcorn she had begun to string for the tree, which resulted in a popcorn fight in the living room. Emma smiled to herself at the memory of her Mom's face, pink with shock at the mess, before she had joined in the fight. Somehow though, through their silliness they had gotten the tree decorated and the mess cleaned up.

During that activity Emma remembered feeling something she had never felt before, a feeling her Mom had one described to her as a sense of wholeness. That feeling dwindled somewhat when Mal had gone home that night. She wondered then as she continued to look at the tree, what her life would be like if that were her everyday reality; if Mal lived there with them and every night they had dinner and talked about their day and on holidays did things like any other family. She wondered what it would feel like to wake up in the morning and see Mal downstairs drinking coffee or watching the news with her Mom each evening. All these questions had her head buzzing and she felt dizzy thinking about all the possibilities of a future together.

Maybe it would happen.

What if she asked for it and let her Mom know it was alright with her; if Mal became a permanent part of their life? They would be more like other families then. That thought made her once again ponder the other big question she wanted to ask about family; who her dad was.

Emma had no idea. That part of her birth certificate had been left blank. She knew because her Mom showed it to her after she was adopted and her last name changed from West to Mills. Her Ma had never said and back then when she was little her Ma had a few boyfriends she only vaguely remembered. Most had ignored her like she had ignored them except for one. He hadn’t ignored her at all. Had hurt her the same day her Ma had taken her here and she was left on the doorstep. Emma had never thought to ask who her dad was. It hadn’t mattered then. But now it did and for a reason she was still trying to figure out…

"It's a little late to be waiting up for Santa."

Her Mom’s words, soft and teasing, made Emma turn her head. She saw her Mom descending the stairs behind her while tying the sash on a silk bath robe. Regina stopped and sat down next to her on the step. An arm wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her in close. Together they watched the lights in silence. And she gained the confidence to ask for what she wanted.

"Mom?"

"What baby?"         

"I thought of something else I want for Christmas?" The question about Mal ready behind her lips.

Regina gave the girl a gentle squeeze and leaned down to kiss her cheek. "And what's that baby?"

Just then, with her Mom’s eyes upon her, Emma couldn't bring herself to ask for this new secret desire. Yet. There was still something else unsettled in her. Something still lurked deep inside that she had never, ever mentioned to her Mom. That needed to come first she decided. There were still too many questions surrounding the idea of Mal moving in clouding her thoughts. After all, Regina always said to be careful what you wish for. This advice, Emma suddenly decided, might be worth heeding for a bit longer.

Her lips parted to ask about her dad and then suddenly the words wouldn’t come out—stuck as they often became when they mattered so much. Frustrated she sighed. "It’s nothing." Emma said instead to recover. And it was said too quickly and lightly that her Mom tilted her head in a way Emma had come to learn meant concern. She squirmed out from under her Mom’s arms and tried to hurry up the stairs.

Regina stood and caught her daughter around the waist and pulled the girl back down to sit on her lap. "Not so fast baby." She began and wrapped both arms securely around her child. "You can tell me. What is it that you want?"

Emma bit her lip and mumbled something.

"A little louder."

Trying to begin a different way. "Do you remember when Grandma came to your work?" Emma murmured, and felt her Mom’s hand begin to rub her back.

A nod. “I do.”

"Before you found us in the cafeteria, she started to tell me some stuff."

"What did she say to you?"

"She started to talk about my dad and it got me wondering..."

"Ah, I see." Regina felt her heart skip and throat constrict at the very mention of that man. She knew right where this conversation was going. She swallowed and did her best to keep her voice light on a subject that was very uncomfortable for her. "Well, what do you want to know?” Then regretted that question instantly. The truth being that she only some facts, but she quickly realized she was not ready to share how she knew who Emma’s father was, those facts, or his name. Not yet.

"No Mom, not that. I mean I have questions, but I want… I want you to find him, so I can meet him."

Emma's words felt like a cold slap; loud and vibrating against Regina's ear. She hadn't expected that right off the bat, maybe a few questions, but not a request for a face to face meeting. This conversation was inevitable in coming up one day. She knew that, but thought she would have more time somehow. She needed time before she could go _there_. "No." The word was out before she could catch it. Spoken low and sharp and with a great deal of disgust.

Emma wrinkled her brow, not expecting that reply. Nor the strong emotion behind it and she turned suddenly to look up at her Mom. "Huh?"

"I’ll try to answer some other questions you have, as best I can, but…." Regina sighed, feeling the beginning of a migraine coming on as her heart pounded against her temples. She couldn’t do this right now. Have this triggering talk, especially at night. She lifted Emma up off her lap as she stood. “Right now it is time for bed.”

"But Mom. Why not?"

Regina placed a finger to her daughter's lips. "Up to bed. It's late." The conversation with Emma had unnerved her and she knew that she'd have a great deal of trouble going back to sleep. He was the reason for too many parts of her life she had put the brakes on and the ritual she followed each night before she could sleep soundly.

Emma stared up at Regina, trying to decide if she wanted to push the issue further just then. As she studied those eyes she saw the briefest hint of… worry or fear or pain flash across brown eyes. She wasn’t sure which and suspected it might be a mix of all of them. Emma let her mouth slack in wonder. Slowly she forced her legs to move upwards. Her Mom followed her back up to her room. Emma quietly slid beneath the cool sheets and watched as the covers were tucked the covers around her.

Regina eyed that want in green eyes. “Now is not the time baby.”

"Just tell me why. Please?" Emma whispered, begging for some kind of clarity about a part of her past she knew so little about and was confused on why her Mom wasn’t explaining.

Regina leaned over and kissed her daughter's cheek and rubbed the spot gently in soothing circles where her lips had been. Searching green eyes she asked the question she knew Emma understood to let things be for now. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes." Emma replied automatically and without any hesitation.

Regina nodded, satisfied. "Then I will tell you when I am ready. For now don't fight me on this." She turned off the light and on the nightlight Emma still insisted on before she left the room.

And, like she did every night before she went to sleep, Regina checked every door to be sure it was locked up tight even though she had just done so some hours beforehand. She double checked the house alarm and made sure she had her cell phone by her bed. As she slipped beneath the blankets and turned off her lamp she laid in the dark with Emma’s request on loop in her mind.

The why of her daughter’s question did not have a simple answer, but one she knew was up to her to provide. How and when was what she needed some time to figure out. Regina turned over on her side and then tossed back to the other in thought about what she knew to be true.

She knew all too well what it felt like to have someone steal into your home in the middle of the night. She knew what it felt like to look at her bedroom doorway and into the eyes of someone she recognized, someone who had already made himself known as a threat simply by a lingering stare. On that night when she first knew these things Regina had learned the hard way the exact moment it is too late to scream.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - Cliff hanger I know…. But answers next chapter along with another time jump.
> 
> Next time – Emma becomes more independent in order to get an answer to her question. Regina learns to face a fear and work through a part of her past she's kept secret from her daughter when Mal reminds her of a promise made.


	15. The Answer

__

_**Chapter 15 – The Answer** _

_**:::::::::::::::::::::::::::** _

6 months later…

 

The dusty wind whipped through the trees making branches tap relentlessly against the windows of the two story home. It was a blistering hot night in late June, the start of the monsoon season and Regina lay awake in her bed. Nearly naked save for a tank and underwear under a light sheet and still she was overheated. She sighed heavily at the fact, finally willing herself to sit up.

Regina eased out of bed and down the hall to adjust the thermostat. After, she peered into Emma’s room and the corner of her mouth turned up at the sight. The comforter was on the floor and Emma was curled up hugging Henry Bear and a stuffed dragon named Lily that Mal had won at the state fair that spring. The memory of Mal gifting the dragon to Emma made her smile grow and then made her sigh for a moment as her thought’s shifted.

Mal was due to leave in the morning for a conference in Flagstaff through the weekend. They had been seeing each other steadily the past year now and she was used to Mal being here some of the week and for sure at least one of the weekend days. Emma had become very fond of Mal too and asked often when they were going to _‘make it official already’._ But Regina preferred to take things slow as Mal did and they were in no hurry to rush things along.

Emma seemed for them to be in a hurry though for a reason Regina was unsure of. As well, Emma’s curiosity over her father hadn’t waned since Christmas. It only grew stronger. Like last evening when they had been making dinner. Often the same question came out of the blue and Regina answered as she always did—that she would tell Emma why a meeting was not happening when she was ready to. She answered every other question Emma had thrown at her based on what she knew, except his name. What little facts she knew about the man’s life she had not been fond of sharing.

Regina knew she was wrong for keeping his name from Emma. She had refused to speak it for two and a half years. But she didn’t know how to tell her daughter the ugly truth. All of it, she still had not fully dealt with herself. So she didn’t and hadn’t until Christmas night when Emma asked. For so long she had been focused on Emma’s growth and healing and not her own. Mal understood; knew what she had gone through when his name became unspeakable for the unspeakable that had been done. Mal was supportive of her reasoning, but even so was gently nudging her to share this truth, this last secret she’d been holding onto with Emma. She just wasn’t ready yet quite yet.

She had gone back to counseling over the issue with Mal’s encouragement. It was slow, but steady progress that forced her to pause and reflect. At the time of happening Regina had stuffed it into a box in the dark corner of her mind just so she could get up and keep going. For Emma. Now that Emma was in a better place it was time to begin the work she should have done; unwrap the box and deal with the demon. Regina just needed to get her confidence up for that hard talk with her daughter. And she was trying, but she felt like she was failing.

Emma asked seldom, but still often enough to keep Regina’s nerves on guard over the topic. Her daughter was also stubborn and refused to relent once she set her mind to something. Just a week ago, Regina had found Emma rummaging through storage tubs in the garage. When asked what she was doing, Emma replied evenly, _“nothing you’ll help me with_.” Since the tubs weren’t off limits, Regina felt she couldn’t push the subject.

Regina sighed thinking about that incident. She suspected it was linked with what had happened a few days ago when she found Emma neck deep in a pile of stuff in her walk in closet. Pricey shoes and accessories were haphazardly tossed about, boxes and personal journals scattered, but seemingly unopened and disregarded. Regina had pulled her 11 year old out of the mess and Emma’s heated response and push back had only gained her daughter being grounded until the weekend; no screens and outings.

She had supervised the cleaning of her closet, but couldn’t determine what Emma had been looking for. Knowing Emma, she wouldn’t have to wait long. Letting that thought go, Regina closed her eyes. Then she leaned back as she felt two strong arms slip around her waist and lips press against the sweet spot between her shoulder and neck that always sent a wave of tingles shooting up her spine whenever Mal kissed her there.

“I could hear you thinking all the way from the bedroom.”

That voice was raspy with sleep in a way Regina liked. “I’m sorry if I woke you. I know you have to leave early to beat the traffic out of town.”

Mal kissed once more where she had just done so and watched Emma sleeping over Regina’s shoulder. “That’s not what I meant.” Knowing just why Regina was up and about. “You are being hard on yourself again.”

“And what if I am?” Regina asked pressing back into the woman who had claimed a piece of her heart and seemed to understand parts of it she was still learning to do. Love was transparent like that, she was learning.

“Emma has been pushing you the last few days and I know how that stresses you for the reason why she is.” Mal explained.

“My baby is stubborn when she gets an idea in her head.”

“More like strong willed. Like her Mom, she doesn’t give up.”

The corner of Regina’s mouth turned up as she turned and wrapped her arms around Mal’s neck. “I’m going to miss you. That’s also part of why I’m up.” And she nuzzled into that neck, too.

“I’ll miss you too, both of you very much.” She ran fingers through Regina’s hair. “Come back to bed?”

In answer Regina followed Mal back to the bedroom. They both forwent the sheets and blankets to lay in the darkness side by side. As Mal’s breathing evened out and sleep came for one of them Regina felt her eyes getting heavy. She found that she was sleeping better on nights Mal stayed over. Especially on days she had a therapy session. Finally someone had her back in a way she had never allowed before nor ever considered possible for just how closely she guarded her heart.

:::::::::::::::::::

The next morning dawned too early for both women and they laid together ten minutes past the alarm before getting their footing to start the day ahead. Regina wrapped her hands around a mug of coffee, sipping now and then pondering her agenda as Mal went over the conference schedule on her cell. Emma sat across from them both picking at a bowl of melon and the ever present side of apple butter toast. She gently pushed that plate closer to Emma with a coaxing look and tried to refocus on her paper. Regina had read the same paragraph three times and had not retained any of it. Her mind kept drifting.

“Camp today, right?” Emma asked as she stabbed a piece of melon and then used the rim of the bowl to slide it off her fork only to repeat the action again and again.

Regina nodded. “Yes, like every weekday.” Confirming their schedule as she had been doing all week since school let out for the summer. Emma knew that already. They went over their calendar each Sunday evening of the week ahead, but always needed to make a point of asking.

“We’re supposed to start a new project at camp today.”

Mal reached for the salt on the table. “What kind of project?”

“I dunno yet.” Emma moved her uneaten melon around in the bowl. She liked the environmental art program she was enrolled in that used recycled and natural materials in all the projects. It was different than the drawing classes she was used to in school. “But we get to look for the materials for it outside this afternoon…” She rolled her lips in as she thought about what she also planned today. Drumming her toes on the tile she pushed that thought away for a moment in favor of another one. “Mom?... _Mom._ ”

“Hmm… Sorry baby, what?” Regina startled forcing her wandering thoughts towards her daughter.

“My show’s on tonight.” Fidgeting. This whole being grounding concept was still new to her and not something she had experienced more than once or twice. Emma didn’t like the idea of a consequence lingering after she and her Mom had already talked about the issue. “Can I watch it if I stay grounded until Saturday instead of Friday?”

Regina pursed her lips trying to keep a straight face. Ever the negotiator, Emma was a lot like her in many ways, but also a bit like Mal too it seemed. ”That’s not how being grounded works. We talked about that.”

“Crap.” Muttering, and then Emma looked between the women when they both looked over at her seemingly expecting something. “What?”

Regina’s brow rose. “Mind your word choice.”

“Shit then.” Emma deadpanned and got up. She moved to the counter and felt the knowing prickle of her Mom’s eyes still watching her.

Mal nearly choked on her coffee over the word, and cleared her throat as Regina stood.

“Emma, both of those are not words you should be using.” Regina said and intercepted her daughter trying to put the uneaten food in the trash. Those words had been said in a very matter of fact way she knew Emma had not meant in the crude or shocking way someone might normally use them. Emma tended to mimic new words or figures of speech learned from others and Regina always had to explain when such things were appropriate to use and to not use. For her daughter it was all about applying the word or phrase in the appropriate context.

Having no exit, Emma leaned back against the counter holding her plate and bowl. Her Mom’s left arm out, keeping her from getting to the trash bin. “Did I get them both wrong then?”

“The context you meant the words in was accurate, but being the words they are you are much too young to be using them. You need to state your disappointment a different way. Like saying ‘that upsets me’ or ‘that is frustrating’. Make sense?”

Nodding. “I won’t use them like that then.” She tried to step around her Mom, but a hand took her bowl away. “What?” Emma asked again and looked up from a straight red mouth to brown eyes.

“You know exactly what, baby. You need to eat… Tell you what; I’ll put the melon in the fridge for your snack later after camp. For now at least eat your toast.”

“Okay.” Returning to the table, Emma sat back down and took a bite. Finishing a few minutes later she wiped her fingers on a napkin as she watched her Mom pretend to read the paper again. That had been happening a lot lately. She thought she knew what it was about too; suspected it was the reason her Mom was having trouble sleeping lately, like she was having trouble sleeping some nights. They needed to talk about why, but her Mom wouldn’t yet. And so she decided to ask one more time. If there was a reason not to she needed to know right now before she put her plan into action today. “Why can’t I meet him?”

Regina’s head snapped up from deep in thought. She sighed over the repetitive question and found her stomach knotting again, but she relaxed a little when she felt Mal’s reassuring hand on her knee under the table. “We are not going to discuss this right now. Go brush your teeth and get your bag. We need to get going soon.”

“I will.” And Emma tried again. “But Mom I really need to know.”

Softening for the plea in that tone. “I know you do Emma. Believe me.” Regina shook her head and stood taking her mug and Emma’s plate to the sink as her daughter followed right on her heels.

“Then just tell me why.”

“Emma…” Mal chimed in. “Maybe right now is not the best time.” She could see the tight lines creasing Regina’s forehead Emma seemed to be missing—hard fought patience.

But Emma ignored that suggestion. “Mom?”

Throat tight and trying give something to pause her daughter’s questions. “Emma… please.”

“Please what?” Then Emma thought she understood. “ _Please_ tell me why.”

Regina’s eyes found the ceiling searching for words to get Emma’s understanding as her meaning was missed entirely. She sighed. “I will soon. I promise, but not right now.”

Emma paused. That was a new answer she had not gotten before and bluntly asked. “How soon?” And that must have been too much to ask because the plate and mug left her Mom’s hands too quickly and landed with a clatter in the sink. She jumped at the sound and bit her bottom lip.

Bracing her hands on the edge of the counter, Regina took a deep breath as a memory flashed. Then another. Needing a moment as her heart and mind raced away from the past she moved away and left the room entirely.

Emma watched her Mom go and frowned. Then she looked at Mal and moved to sit down. She dropped her head in her arms on the table to hide her face. A chair squeaked and she sensed that Mal moved into the chair next to her and she felt a hand rubbing her back. She wanted to shrug that hand off, but part of her liked it there, needed it there right now. Eventually she turned her head and peeked up at the blue eyes watching her.

“Hey there.”

“Hi.” Emma tried in return. “I just don’t get why she won’t.”

Mal was careful to frame her response in such a way to help Emma think and not give away anything she and Regina had discussed. “Have you considered the idea that it may not be about the fact that she won’t, but maybe she can’t right now?”

Brows knit tight as Emma sat up. She hadn’t really thought about that difference in words. She swung her legs in thought. “No, but then I want to know why she can’t.”

“Sometimes your Mom needs time to figure her feelings out before she shares them. Just like you do when your feelings get all scrambled inside.”

“But it’s been a long time I’ve been asking and I really need to know now.” And she did. Time was running out.

“I know it feels that way to you. Give her a little more time and you will get your answers.” Mal leaned in and gave a quick kiss to Emma’s head as that head dropped back down on the table. With a gentle squeeze to a little shoulder, she stood to go check on Regina.

:::::::::::::::::::::

“I’ll meet you right here at 4:10.”

“I know Mom.” Emma got out of the car, adjusting her day pack. Even though it was early morning, it was pushing 100 degrees already. She tossed one of her French braids over her shoulder while straightening the straps of her green tank top.

Regina rolled down her window as Emma started to head towards the building. “Do I get my kiss?”

Emma’s cheeks turned pink as she paused and turned around. She was the only kid who got dropped off and picked up. While she loved that because their schedule did not allow for that so much during the school year Emma more and more was becoming aware that kids her age were not as enthused as she was over this idea. Other kids walked or took a bus. Out of the corner of her eye, Emma saw two older girls watching her exchange.

“Mooommm…. I love you, but I gotta go.” Emma raised her brows the way she had seen her Mom do when something that was being said was important.

Regina took the hint and waved. “I love you too. Have fun today.”

Emma looked at her Mom for a long moment before turning to go. Those eyes looked tired and another word she was still trying to figure out.

Watching Emma go Regina had forgotten the part in the tween handbook about displays of affection. She missed a much simpler time when a kiss wouldn’t have been considered embarrassing from her daughter in public. Her baby was growing up and she knew this was just part of the process, but she didn’t have to like it.

And like she always did, Regina waited until Emma was safely inside, but just shy of going in the door her daughter turned around and came right back to the car. She rolled down her window again in question thinking something must have been left behind. Emma leaned in through the window and wrapped her arms around her neck in a hug. Holding tight for a moment, Regina turned and kissed Emma’s cheek before those arms pulled back and Converse ran back toward the building.

::::::::::::::::::::::::

The bus jostled the passengers along the busy streets of downtown Phoenix. Emma squinted as she peered out through the greasy window covered in dust and fingerprints, trying to make out the quickly passing street signs. She frowned in thought, consulting her map she had printed. “Should be anytime…” She mumbled watching the bus’ flashing signal for the next posted stop. This was her second bus ride. It was pushing 3:15 and she would only have a short window of time before she’d have to catch a return bus.

She was anxious over being on her own. In a new place no less and going to one, but Emma had spent the last few days preparing her mind and researching how to pull this trip off. Using her Mom’s laptop when she was supposed to be in bed she navigated her route on Google maps based on the address she had found in her Mom’s journal. And where she was going she had looked up pictures online to ease her mind over the idea of a new place. She had read about the check in process, had double checked visiting times and bus routes and made sure she knew what was coming and what to do once she got there. Emma had even practiced what to say in the mirror after printing the permission form on the website.

Doing it was another story.

But here she was doing it anyway. She had signed the permission slip in her Mom’s fancy cursive that was hard to mimic. Two whole notebook sheets full of her practice scribbles were sitting in her desk at home. Her Mom was not giving her answers and Emma needed answers. She had waited months and for the last few weeks she had decided to start searching on her own.

Then she finally came across a clue in a journal in her Mom’s closet; a postcard with an address between pages with an entry mentioning a man fitting the description of her dad. She knew this was her chance and hesitated only a moment in stuffing it in her pocket before she was discovered. Regina had seemed to hesitate too in giving that description of her dad when she had asked what he looked like way back around New Years. Then she asked his name, but it was not given as freely. Her plan was a long shot, but it was all she had to go off of. And if she was caught and Emma knew she would eventually be...

Well, she’d just deal with that then, she decided and shook her head at the thought as the bus continued to bounce along. Or her Mom would deal with her. She sighed. She couldn’t think about that right now.

Emma put away her map and fingered the soft edge of a faded postcard she had found. On the front was a cartoon picture of a werewolf and a ghost that said **_‘Boo’_**. On the other side was a stamp, and a weird scrawled message under the address that read:

 

# 82-W462

Buckeye County Jail

Phoenix, AZ 82531

_I haven't forgotten my promise to you._

It was post marked over two years ago. Emma wasn’t entirely sure this was what she had been looking for. Emma had struggled to remember what had been happening in her life at the time of the post mark on the card, but was at a loss. Something in her gut told her it had something to do with her past and now she suspected it had something to do with her Mom’s too. In a big way.

Her Mom was also intensely private. And while that had changed to being more open in their time together, Emma suspected this postcard or rather who had written it, had something to do with that.

Emma took a deep breath and blew the loose baby curls that had slipped from her braids in the heat off her forehead. The bus opened its’ doors and beeped indicating the last stop for the route. Emma gathered her things and her courage. She stepped off into the dusty heat and followed the posted sign to the gate of the prison.

 

::::::::::::::::::

 

Emma glanced at the people waiting around her, not making eye contact. She had planned on how to get there down to the very last detail of borrowing bus fare from the coin dish on her Mom’s dresser, but she was uncertain what to do next. She stood in a line that was posted for visitors and just waited. She overheard bits of conversation between the officer behind the glass and the people in front of her to know that she was in the right place.

“ _The right place for what, a family reunion?”_ She nervously thought. Her stomach knotted in response. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

“Next!”

Emma lurched forward at that command thrusting the detailed visitor form she’d filled out stating who she was and who she was here to see along with the permission slip under the opening at the bottom of the glass. She stood on tiptoe, trying to appear older than she was and answer the guard’s unsure look.

“How old are you kid?” He asked.

“Old enough.” And technically she almost was. Sort of. She’d be 12 in October.

The guard looked over the neatly printed form complete with a parent signature allotting visitation of an unaccompanied minor 12 years and older. The man looked over his computer notes.

“You’re not on the visitor’s list for 82-W462. I can leave a written message, but I cannot allow you access until the inmate makes a formal request to have you added.” He explained.

Emma licked her lips. “Oh.” That had not been on the website. Thinking quickly. “Are you sure you have the right inmate?”

“82-W462 is R. Hoodson… Yes, I’m sure. ” The guard handed back the permission slip and a clipboard with another form dismissing by pointing to the drop box nailed to the wall labeled ‘ _Inmate Mail’_.

“That’s it? You’re not even going to tell him I’m here?” Tears burned behind her eyes as she realized what she had risked to be here.

“This is not a concierge at some fancy hotel kid. This is a jail and I have other people to help. You’ll be notified by mail when your request is approved or denied by the inmate. Next!”

Numb from a flood of emotions she pushed right down, Emma blindly filled out the request form with the information asked for and dropped it in the inmate mailbox. She glanced at her watch and the bus schedule. Her stomach flipped as she realized how bad her timing had been. All she had cared about was getting here; figuring whatever happened after she got to see him would be worth it.

The next bus wasn’t until 3:45 and it took a long time to get back. Her Mom would be worried at first when she wasn’t there at 4:10, then upset, then… Emma let her thoughts run away with her as she walked back to the bus stop. _‘All for nothing,’_ she thought. Then the guard’s words from earlier registered.

R. Hoodson. An initial and a last name were far more than nothing. She just hoped the price of getting that name was not as high as the twisting knot in her tummy was saying it was going to cost.

 

::::::::::::::::::::::

 

“What do you mean you don’t know where she is? I pay you to know that!” Regina stated, irritated at the camp director. She ran her hand through her hair and put a fist to her hip to hide the shake in her hand.

“She was here at the break to check in at 2:30.” The director confirmed the attendance count on the computer. “The kids spent the afternoon gathering supplies in teams in the field for their projects.”

“That field should be supervised so why is she not here?” Regina asked, changing the subject away from her own thoughts. She didn’t want to think Emma was actually missing or had run off. The disappearing act her daughter was well known for was one she struggled to be understanding of. Usually she had some clue, but in this case she truly had no idea where Emma would have gone or why.

“Yes, there were attendants watching the kids, Ms. Mills. Let me go ask the staff and see if anyone has seen her.”

“Thank you.” While Regina waited, she paced and phoned Mal just to hear the comfort in that voice, then Granny on the off chance Emma had skipped out to go to Ruby’s to play, but with no luck on the location of her wayward daughter. It was nearly 4:30. She had waited in her car for ten minutes past when she told Emma to be ready. Even in the air conditioned room, she broke out in a nervous sweat. She slipped off her suit jacket, leaving her arms bare in a sleeveless white blouse, and pastel pencil skirt.

The director returned with an answer on Emma’s status. Apparently the security camera had picked up a girl climbing over the south gate just behind the building unaccompanied. A camp security officer sent a message out to local police to keep their eyes peeled for a missing girl fitting the description that Regina gave them. When a cruiser arrived at the facility Regina began to answer an officer’s questions while several camp attendants set off on foot with their radios to search the nearby area.

 

::::::::::::::::::::

 

Emma kicked at a pebble as she walked and wiped the sweat from her face on her arm. She squinted to see the road sign ahead. In her anxiety to get back, she had accidentally gotten off two stops early. Without any more money she was forced to walk the rest of the way back to camp. She also left her water bottle on the bus. To keep her mind off the heat and her frustration she began to count all the cracks she passed in the sidewalk.

After several minutes, she heard the blip of a siren behind her as a cop car pulled up to a stop aside her. The lights flashed, making her stop completely. The window rolled down.

“Is your name Emma Mills?”

The rule about strangers flashed in Emma’s mind, but this guy didn’t look like he would take that excuse as answer. He looked like real cop. And still she had already learned the stranger lesson the hard way and had no desire to have her Mom more upset with her than she was sure to be already.

“Your Mom is looking for you.” The officer began and gave the phrase the worried brunette had told him would get the girl to go with him. “Operation apple butter.”

In recognition of their secret code, one she had proudly come up with all on her own, Emma’s shoulder’s dropped. If anyone she didn’t know ever tried to pick her up or claim to know her, she was not to go with them unless they used that code. Ever since her Grandmother had lured her away this was a standing rule between them. She sighed and got in the car.

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The moment her Converse stepped from the cruiser and met the concrete outside of the camp facility Emma was taken up into a pair of strong arms that did not let go. She hugged her Mom right back just as tightly as she was held. Words like _‘thank god’_ and _‘are you alright’_ were whispered in a choking way into her ear. There were tears in those brown eyes Emma felt directly responsible for. She was taken quickly inside the building. The blast of cool air as she entered the door made her realize how hot she had been. Standing at her Mom’s feet she was taken by the shoulders as a pair of eyes came down level to hers.

“What were you thinking leaving like that? You can’t do that Emma. Anything could have happened to you and I was worried sick.”

Emma’s blushed as her Mom quietly scolded her in front of the camp director and the cop who drove the rest of the way back to the camp.

Even through her upset, the Doctor in Regina took the lead as she requested a cold towel and a bottle of water for her daughter. Getting both she handed the bottle to Emma. “Drink all of it and keep this towel on your neck.” Regina instructed as the officer requested her signature on some paperwork.

“Mom, I’m…” Emma hesitated to say anything more when Regina turned and those eyes were on her. Her shoulders popped up to her ears and she quickly uncapped the water and started sipping as the adults moved to the far side of the room to talk.

 

::::::::::::::::::::

 

It had been another forty minutes before they could leave the camp and more than tired of everyone and everything Emma slowly followed her Mom into the house. Emma shed her day pack wincing at the sunburn on her shoulders. She bit her lip, wondering what to do next as her Mom put away her own belongings.

Regina was wondering the same thing herself. Inside, she was a brew of worry, relief, and upset all at the same time. She took a visible breath, watching her daughter watching her. “Where did you go?” She asked simply.

“Mom, I can’t.” Emma shifted from foot to foot.

Regina’s brow rose. “Can’t or won’t?”

Emma squirmed as she answered honestly. “Maybe both.”

“Alright, then you may have some think time.” Crossing her arms. “Go up to your room.”

“I don’t need think time.”

“That tone of yours is telling me otherwise Emma.”

“Mom.” Frustrated, but trying. “I don’t mean it like that. I want to talk to you.”

With that reveal Regina softened considerably and offered her hand. Emma slipped right into it and she led the way into the living room. She sat on the couch with Emma standing in front of her. “I’m listening.”

Under that rapt attention Emma bit her lip. She sucked it for a moment before speaking. “You’re mad at me.”

And again Regina felt her upset over the matter pause over the worry in that voice. She took Emma’s hands and gently squeezed once. “While I am upset with the choices you made today, we will work through it like we always do.”

A squeeze right back. “You were mad at the camp though too.”

“I was worried more than anything that something had happened to you. A little mad when I learned you had left camp deliberately.” Honest as she expected Emma to be. “But I want to hear your side. I want to understand and you took a big step just now in telling me you wanted to talk.” Regina waited as her daughter seemed to think on those words.

“I needed to do something and I couldn’t wait for you anymore.” Emma began and saw her Mom sit up straighter.

“Wait for me for what?”

“To tell me about him.”

Regina felt like someone punched her in the stomach. “Where did you go?” And when Emma took too long her insides began to liquefy. “Emma _please_.”

The girl took a breath under the worry in that tone. “I went to see him.”

“You went—” Regina blinked hard as her mind began to connect the dots, feeling her initial upset returning. She ran her hands over Emma’s arms in a soothing fashion to keep her daughter talking. “Tell me everything, starting with why you were going through my closet.”

“I know that you save stuff and I thought maybe there would be some information in your closet or a storage tub in the garage.”

Regina nodded, having come to that same conclusion herself a moment ago, “And?” Then Emma pulled out _the_ postcard from a jean pocket. Upon seeing the picture she instinctively flinched. She took it in a pinching fashion and set it aside on the coffee table more than aware of what it was.

When Emma looked up from the postcard to her Mom, there were silent tears in brown eyes, but they didn’t fall. They said something big though without words. Then the other word she had been trying to figure out this morning aside from tired look clicked. Her Mom was sacred.

“You went through my journals.” Not a question. The thought had entered Regina’s mind, but was dismissed not wanting to think Emma had. They had been through that issue of her personal things one too many times.

“I didn’t mean to read much.”

“That is not the point Emma.” Regina began and swallowed, closing off her emotions and switching to sequencing her questions to get the answers she needed. “So you went through my journals.” She stuck out her left thumb, beginning a count, a cueing strategy that worked well with helping Emma to relay events. “And then what?”

“I used your laptop to look up how to get there and what to do.”

Another finger. “While you were grounded from screens. And then?”

Emma winced. “I left the camp.”

“Without permission or an adult... Next?” One more finger shot up on the same hand.

“I took a few buses downtown and went to the prison.” She licked her lips.

“With what money, Emma? I know you spent the last of it last week at the comic shop.”

“I borrowed from the coin bowl…”

Regina’s head shook.

“I mean I took some money from your coin bowl this morning.” Emma hugged herself.

Three more fingers shot up; one for each action. “Did you see him?” Even as Regina asked, acid flamed in the back of her throat at the very idea.

“No.”

Regina shook her head again; too simple. “Was there a reason? Your being there without me, should have been reason enough.”

“No, I had the permission form signed,” Emma blurted. Another finger shot up and she began to suck her bottom lip at how many there were.

Both dark brows went up too. Not believing was she was hearing, or wished she didn’t, Regina sighed. The length Emma had gone to pull off this stunt also gave her pause. The fact that Emma had navigated and planned for a new place, without her, was a huge accomplishment on it’s own, but not one for what it was that she felt like she could praise just yet. Her daughter was smart, resourceful, and strong willed—just like her. Mal had been right again. Both of them like that and over this issue had brought them to this moment.

“Mom?” Emma pointed to the next finger on that hand she had yet to explain.

Snapping out of her silence, she continued. “You forged my name. Next please.”

“And, the guard said I wasn’t on the inmate visitor list and… I came back...” Emma trailed off as her Mom’s face paled even further.

“Not to mention you were found by the police and without water.” Then in disbelief, Regina spoke more to herself than to Emma. “And all of it just so you could see him.”

Green eyes saw two final fingers join the others. Nine fingers. Emma chewed her inner cheek and stared at the carpet remembering another detail and wondering if there would be a tenth finger for something she was not supposed to know. “The guard said his name was R. Hoodson.”

Regina’s mind raced in circles with everything that Emma had told her. She was beyond upset and closed both her hands into fists as she pushed herself up off the couch when her stomach turned violently. Quickly she left Emma to stare after her as she rushed to the bathroom where she was thoroughly sick.

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

It took some time before Regina returned to the living room, stopping in the kitchen to grab two bottles of water on her way. She found Emma sitting on the floor picking at the rug by the coffee table.

“You okay Mom?”

“You need some more water.” Regina said instead of answering as she sat back down on the couch and handed Emma a bottle. She took a long drink from hers before speaking again, nodding for Emma to do the same. “Here’s what is going to happen. First I want you finish that water and go up to take a shower. Then go to your room and wait for me on your bed. I’ll be there soon and we will finish our discussion.”

  
Emma stood up and moved slowly towards the stairs knowing she had been dismissed. She saw Regina put the water on the table and rest a head in her hands.

“Mom?”

Regina brought her face up and her hands together under her chin as if in prayer as she remained looking straight ahead.

“I’m in big trouble, huh?” Emma finally asked in the thick silence.

Another long pause as Regina struggled to bring her thoughts to the present. “It’s not that simple baby.”

She wanted to ask why, but didn’t. Then squirming, Emma ducked her chin to her chest for the look that came her way. One that begged for her to listen; from brown eyes that were breaking.

“Go on up. Now please.”

With that answer Emma hurried up the stairs.

Regina didn’t move until she heard the water running overhead. She leaned forward and picked up the postcard. She took in the image, his words, and the whole sick idea behind it all. Anger fueled from fear poured into her hands and she ripped the card as tears followed.

The thought of that man, near her or her baby ripped the breath right from her lungs. That night when he had gotten too close had happened the fall Emma had turned 8. It had been a Friday night and Emma stayed at Ruby’s house for her very first sleepover. Regina had been anxious on the girl’s behalf over that first night away from home and was assured by Granny that everything was going wonderfully when she had called to say good night to Emma. It was in the very early hours of the next morning that Regina had been forcibly awakened, gagged and dragged from her bed.

She forced her mind away from the memory and got up to begin prepping dinner as a distraction. As she methodically began washing and cutting vegetables Regina was jarred back in time again to that night when a flash of light on the blade of the knife she was using made a locked door in her mind bust right open…

 

_Like the flash of moonlight on his blade._

 

Regina dropped the knife with a clatter to the floor….

 

_The cold steel against her throat, the sound of her nightshirt ripping, his weight, his breath, his smell, his voice…._

_“I want my daughter back.”_

 

Shaking with each flash of memory Regina braced herself against the sink. She didn’t hear a door closing in the distance or the sound of keys dropping on a table with luggage to the floor or her name being called. But she did feel the hands around her waist pulling her close. She startled at first and then realized whose hands these were. Hands she knew. Hands she had come to trust and Regina turned and fell hard and fast into Mal’s arms.

Regina buried her face into a shoulder, breathing in that comforting scent of mint and lavender. “You’re here.” Voice cracking.

“I left the conference right after your call. I’m right here Regina.” And Mal was, just as she promised she would be.

Clinging tighter, her fingers found purchase in strong shoulders. “She tried to go see him Mal...” Regina relayed the events as they happened and all the while she was held in arms that were not letting go.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::

 

By the time Emma had gotten out of the shower and returned to her room, she thought her Mom would be waiting for her, but Regina was nowhere in sight. She brushed out her hair before changing into a favorite sleep tank and short set. She sat on her bed like she had been told to do and thought through her day, how her Mom had reacted when she’d mentioned the prison.

Emma knew people who did bad things went to prison. Like her Ma had ended up there. She swallowed hard then realizing that in all her concern to find out about her dad, she hadn’t once thought about why he was in prison to begin with. She had been so focused on just getting answers from her Mom that the thought of him in prison being part of why she may not be getting them had not registered. As she lingered on that thought, she heard a brief knock on the open door followed by her Mom entering. Those eyes were red like the apples they both loved to eat.

Regina searched her daughter’s face before she sat on the edge of the twin canopy bed next to Emma.

“Mom, I’m sorry.“

Regina held out her hand, palm up on the bedspread and waited until Emma took it. She ran her thumb along the bridge of knuckles and brought that small hand up to her lips to kiss. “And so am I Emma. You have a right to know about your own past. I wanted to protect you and myself by not talking about it. By not talking about _him_.” She squared her jaw and continued thinking about what she and Mal had just discussed downstairs. It was time to tell her story; like it or not, that time was here. “It’s only natural that you have questions and would want to see him. I’m sorry for not being more open about discussing that with you before… Well, before you ran off today.”

A million questions buzzed in Emma’s head, but the look on her Mom’s face kept her quiet just then. A look like Regina had bit into a sour lemon.

“I should have told you more before anything like today happened. And we will discuss that point soon. That being said, you knew better than to run off.” As she began to explain her feelings on the matter she took Emma up to sit on her lap. “What you did today was irresponsible and downright dangerous. You took money from me, forged my name, went across town without permission; put your health and personal safety on the line. The whole camp and _the police_ **,** Emma, were looking for you.”

The girl hid in her chest at this point and Regina allowed it for a moment as she rested her lips on top of Emma’s head in a reassuring kiss. “I don’t have to tell you that those things are wrong. You knew that and did them anyway.” She reached for Emma’s chin then drawing those eyes upwards. “However I understand why you did them and that I did not help the situation by keeping something you have a right to know from you. That being said your actions affect others and so tomorrow you will write individual letters all of the people who helped look for you apologizing for your actions.”

Emma nodded accepting that and waited for the rest, but the rest did not come. “That’s it?”

“Given the situation and why it even became one, yes. And the reason behind why you did those things is the one reason you are not over my knee right now. If you ever do anything like this again we will be having a different kind of talk baby. Do you understand me?” Regina asked and getting an eager nod, she lifted Emma up off her lap to stand between her knees. Taking those hands again. “There is always a reason, a good reason for anything I deny you or tell you to do or not do. That includes information you ask me for. And sometimes I need some time to sort out my feelings before I share with you… Look at me baby. I need to see your eyes, please.”

Emma sniffled and looked up from those parted red lips.

“There is a reason, several in fact, that the man you tried to visit is in prison to begin with and why he is not in your life.” Regina took a deep breath and let it out slowly finally forcing his name to her lips. “Robin Hoodson.” And she watched her daughter’s face wrinkle in thought over the first name then pale in recognition.

Emma knew that name. Remembered that man’s hand on her arm when she was seven wrapping to her shoulder holding her above the ground while she screamed and he yelled at her to shut up. He was the boyfriend from her memory. The one her Ma pulled her away from before she was left here. But he had been more than a boyfriend. More to her Ma and more to her than she had known. “What’s he in there for?” Needing to know and then suddenly not wanting to anymore at all.

“He was convicted of breaking and entering a residence, assault with a weapon…” Regina paused as her throat closed like her eyes did. Another breath and she ended bitterly. “And rape.” She watched a look of complete shock register on Emma’s face mix with confusion.

“What’s assault?”

“Like threatening to hurt someone physically or actually doing it.”

“And rape?”

A much harder definition. “Remember when we talked about good touch and bad touch?”

Emma gave a quiet nod. They had talked about that a lot, especially when she had been younger.

“It’s like bad touch. When someone forces themselves on you in a sexual way against your will, like touching your genitals or breasts or forcing you to touch them in the same way.”

Emma’s brows knit thinking she understood. “Like Ma did to me in the bathroom. But you called it something else.”

“Sexual abuse.” Regina’s eyes filled. In her mind there was no comparison for what Zelena had done to Emma. _That_ was so much worse to her. But in a way it was close, both beyond violating in nature. “Yes, similar to that.”

“I didn’t think about him being bad like that. I was mad that you wouldn’t tell me anything and I _needed_ to know Mom.” The girl half pleaded, half apologized, now beginning to understand that this was much more complicated than she realized.

Regina hugged her daughter. “Yes, you do need to know and you have a right to know. I’m trying my best to explain why I haven’t told you his name or want you to see him.” She decided to start at the beginning. “That first night you were with me you told me about a boyfriend of your mother’s that hurt your shoulder. You said his name was—“

“Robin.” Emma finished, showing clearly she recalled and understood the connection.

Nodding. “I suspected, but I didn’t know for sure that he was your dad then. I wasn’t sure until much later. You were eight and it was a few months after the adoption and you were having your first sleep over at Ruby’s. Do you remember that?“

“Yeah, you let me stay the whole weekend instead of just Friday night ‘cause I was having so much fun.”

“That is not the only reason you stayed with Granny and Ruby through Sunday. I needed some time before you could come home to make sure it was safe.” Another needed breath and Emma wiggled in obvious want to understand between her knees. “I’m sorry baby. Talking about this is very difficult for me.”

“Why?” Emma pulled back as she asked, genuinely concerned.

Searching green eyes. “Because all of the things he did to go to prison, he did them to me.”

 

:::::::::::::::::::::

 

Regina moved far too quickly about the kitchen and slammed a cabinet. Then a drawer. Glasses rattled as her heels clicked against tile. She nearly dropped the mug she reached hastily for, but caught it before it hit the counter.

Mal winced watching as a kettle was filled and put on the stove, landing much too loudly on the burner. “You told her then.”

“I told her everything.”

“You’re triggered.”

“No. I’m making tea.” Regina sorted through her herbs until she found the combination she was looking for. She put them in the basin of the mortar and began grinding them with much more vigor than needed using the pestle.

“To calm down because you’re upset.” Calling the frenzy for exactly what it was to help give her love an anchor point, Mal moved to the counter and came up next to Regina. “It’s going to be okay.”

And Regina’s shoulder’s dropped as she set the pestle aside and braced herself against the counter. “Logically I know that, but it doesn’t feel that way right now. It feels like a close call. Too close. Mal what if she had seen him? Talked with him?”

Ever the one to play devil’s advocate. “And what if she had?”

Regina blinked. “That can’t happen.”

“But you’re scared that it will, so what if it did?” Mal asked searching filling brown eyes. This was a part of their agreement, asking those guiding and sometimes hard questions.

“He could get out in less than six months.”

“If and that’s a big if—there is even a hearing based on good merit. Since his parole hearing was denied last year that mostly likely won’t even be an issue. His original sentence still stands.”

Regina shook her head as she said the nightmare keeping her from sleeping the last few months. “I’m scared he’ll try and come for Emma. Or come after me again.” Her voice trembled. “He promised he would that night and again with that sick postcard after he was incarcerated.”

“Hey, come here.” Mal pulled Regina into her arms. She felt shaking hands fist the back of her blouse. “Last time he contacted you the way he did we got that restraining order put into effect. You have not heard from him since. You’ve taken every precaution you can with home security short of putting bars on the windows. Those self defense classes too. You and Emma are as safe as you can be.”

“But what if Mal…”

“That’s no way to live Regina. We’ve been through that. I know you’re scared and more so because you’ve been really working through it with your therapist. You’re raw right now. Give it a few days and you’ll start to feel better. Let it settle in for a bit. This talk with her is a big step for you. For both of you.”

“She asked me if rape was like what Zelena had done to her and god damn it Mal her face just broke.” Regina let out a breath she did not realize she had been holding. “Aside from telling Emma about Zelena’s death that was the hardest conversation of my entire life. I had to tell my baby that her father is a rapist; that he raped her Mom. The secrets, this sickness; I am so…” She shook her head bitterly. “This is the last thing I’ve kept to myself. I just can’t anymore. I’m done. I’m so done letting the past run away with our happiness we fought so hard for.”

“Then we will be done for now. Come sit and I’ll make you that tea.” Mal moved Regina to one of the counter stools and then turned on the stove for the kettle to boil as she finished grinding the herbs.

Leaning forward, Regina rested her face in her palms and rubbed briskly. She was tired and there was still dinner to make and Emma to tuck in later. She knew Emma would have more questions for her and ones she would have to find a way to answer in spite of her own feelings. She just hoped it wouldn’t be right away. The gift of time, a few days as Mal had said, would help make that idea easier to do.

Minutes later a warm mug was placed in front of her and she nodded gratefully as Mal slipped onto the stool beside her. They sat in easy silence, each sipping the sweet chamomile and lavender blend and somehow the rest of the evening became a blur.

Mal made a simple dinner, coaxing both her and Emma to eat. Afterward, Mal prepped a steaming bath with essential oils and candles just as she liked it. Time escaped her as she lost herself in memory sitting in the bath and her skin was puckered and pruned by the time she stepped out. She dressed in a simple camisole and silk short set as her eyes caught the late hour from the clock on the wall.

Chiding herself for letting her mind take her away again she went into her room intent to round up her daughter for bed. But she found Emma curled up in her bed already with Henry Bear and Lily Dragon fast asleep. Mal lay nearby reading a book that was closed and placed on the nightstand as she stepped closer to the bed.

“She said she wanted to sleep in here tonight.” Mal explained as Regina leaned down to kiss her cheek before going around the bed to the other side.

Regina sat on the edge and swung her legs up and under the covers, curling up around her daughter. “She read my mind. I need her close.” She inhaled the scent of Emma’s apple scented shampoo and reached out a hand over Emma’s sleeping form to take up Mal’s. “I’m sorry about your conference.”

“I’m not.” Mal waved it off. “It doesn’t matter.” Squeezing Regina’s hand and gently moving a few strands of Emma’s hair behind the shell of an ear, she took in the wide openness of the brown eyes searching her own. “Right here, right now, _this_ is what matters Regina.”

Tear bright Regina gave a watery smile as she kissed the top of her daughter’s head and returned that squeeze with one of her own. “I’m learning that.”

“And we are not going to let the past get in the way of this anymore.”

Ready and open, Regina needed to hear it again. “Promise me.”

“I promise to always be here for you both, to listen and hold your hand and to love you and Emma though everything that comes our way.”

Emma’s eyes fluttered open at the sound of her name, feeling lips against her forehead. “Mom?” Her voice cracked and she felt two hands begin to rub her back. “Mal?” Her eyelids dropped again as she snuggled into the warmth cradling her from both sides.

“We’re here baby.” Regina answered as Mal looked down at Emma. “Both of us are right here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Thank you for reading. More next week as we wrap up their journey.
> 
> Next time – Regina reflects on the past and comes to understand something important about herself in the process that brings her and Emma closer. Mal gives some soul comfort as she and Regina settle on their immediate future. Emma learns the meaning of happiness.


	16. The Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Here we are—the last chapter… brief angst, plenty of fluff, and mega feels ahead. Enjoy!

Chapter 16

The Happiness

:::::::::::::::::::::

 

Emma sighed in frustration as she slammed the mailbox shut and started up the driveway towards the front door. It was one of her chores each day to check the mail along with keeping her room and bathroom tidy. She didn't usually resent the chore, but lately she had been dreading it. Emma had been working up her nerve to tell her Mom the rest of what had happened at the jail before she had left. She had practiced it in front of the mirror even and each time it was just as hard to say as the one before it.

She ran her thumb over the address on the envelope from the Buckeye Jail and bit her lip, almost hearing her Mom's lecture about hiding information. She hadn't meant to though. Not this time. This time it really had just happened. When she had been standing in front of her Mom telling about what she had done at the jail, this part had gotten lost in the telling. She felt guilty. And Emma knew she now had no excuses left not to say something with the evidence in her hand that needed to be dealt with.

The slight breeze hitting her face felt like a small kiss of relief from the hot summer day and her nerves. It was a boiling June evening two weeks after the day she had gone to the jail and her Mom's story about the rape. Regina had just picked her up from Ruby's house an hour ago and was working on getting ready for a date with Mal for tonight. Ashley would be by to watch her soon. There was little time to try and do the right thing. She'd thought briefly about hiding the envelope or even getting rid of it all together, but that was wrong and the idea made her stomach hurt.

Emma set the rest of the mail on receiving table by the front door after coming inside before trudging upstairs. In her heart she knew she was doing the right thing and hoped that her Mom would understand her mistake. Emma took a deep breath and then another before knocking on her Mom's bedroom door.

"Come in." Regina called, spinning around on the vanity chair in greeting. She was pinning the last strands of her hair into an elaborate twist atop her head.

"You look really pretty, Mom." Emma whispered, giving her nerves away. She genuinely thought so as she watched the backings to a pair of earrings being fastened.

Regina furrowed her brow in concern. She put down her necklace, which was to follow the earrings to match and opened her arms. "Come here. What's upsetting you?"

Small feet walked the short distance and Emma allowed herself to be lifted up to sit on a lap. She cuddled up for a minute before pulling back with tears in her eyes.

"Baby whatever is the matter?"

"Please don't be mad at me."

"And why do you think I might be so?" Regina asked while holding Emma closer. She could feel the tension in her daughter's shoulders ease as her nails trailed up and down a back gently.

"I-didn't-tell-you-everything-about-what-I-did-at-the-jail-and-I-didn't-mean-to-not-tell-you-I'm-sorrry!" Emma slammed all her words together and began crying as her worry over the last several days finally got the best of her. She thrust the envelope forward. Her Mom frowned deeply upon reading the sender's address.

Trying to keep her emotions in check, Regina hugged Emma and chose her next words carefully. "I'm happy you came to talk to me directly instead of hiding this. That was a good choice on your part... Emma, baby, calm down and listen to me please." Regina said calmly, albeit a bit firm to be heard over her daughter's tears.

Emma sniffed, dipping her chin to wipe her eyes on the short sleeve of her purple shirt as a stray curl was tucked behind her ear.

"I know you're feeling anxious and upset right now." Cuing and helping to give words to anchor her daughter's feelings. "But I need to know exactly what happened that day. I remember asking you about what happened while you were at the jail talking to the guard. You told me you gave the guard the permission form, were denied access, and then you left. What part of that is missing something?" It was clear to her that Emma had not meant to lie, but was struggling to say something that would be hard for her to hear.

"Between the parts where the guard told me I wasn't allowed to and the part where I left." Emma whispered while playing with a button on the black dress.

Regina gently took Emma's hand away and into her own, lifting the girl's chin. "And?"

"And I kind of asked to be put on the paper-then-I-left." She rushed and moved her head down again.

Looking at the top of Emma's head and allowing a moment for the girl to clam, Regina counted to five in her mind before asking her next question. "What paper was that?"

"The permisnffoormmmm." Emma mumbled into her Mom's shoulder hugging her tightly. The hand on her back began to rub in slow circles. Her shoulders dropped under that action.

"You are doing just fine baby, but I need you to look up at me and speak properly." Coaxing and reassuring Emma. Though upset right now, her daughter's willingness to come to her to talk instead of running from her feelings was happening more and more without her prompting. That more than kept her upset at bay.

Emma did as she was told and responded in a quivering voice, "I accidentally filled out the paper that asked him to put me on his visitor list and then the jail sent this. But I didn't know that wasn't good to do then Mom. I didn't know about him or I wouldn't have."

"Oh Emma, you didn't?" Regina stared at the damning envelope with a growing hatred for the man thick in her throat. She breathed through it, loosening her grip as her daughter's words hit home.

"I didn't know about him until you told me. I was upset when the guard told me no and I didn't think about what I was doing or why after. I'm sorry Mom." Emma hung her head. The truth about her father had been a sobering in a way they were both still working though. But they were doing it together. And Emma was grateful for that. She had talked to Dr. Hopper about it a few times, but more so with her Mom, even Mal too. She didn't want anything to do with the man now. But she thought her action at the jail might change the rules somehow she did not know had been in place to protect them both. That worry had eaten her alive for weeks.

Regina opened the envelope and read the contents quietly with Emma looking on at her. She sensed Emma trying to read her face for a response. Honestly she was a little angry, but not at Emma she realized, but once again she was scared of what this meant. The look in her daughter's eyes though, the trust there that she could somehow make this mistake all better kept her upset down. This honesty and forthrightness was growth for her daughter and how she responded to that would shape how much more Emma would keep doing it. She swallowed the hard lump in her throat before folding back up the letter and setting it behind her on the vanity.

"What's it say?" Curious despite the trouble she might be in and Emma wondered exactly what was in there that made her Mom's face twitch like that.

Needing a minute to collect her thoughts, Regina gave directions. "Go to your room and change for bed baby. Then come right back here to me please. Bring your brush and a few rubber bands for your hair." And eased the questioning girl off of her lap with a gentle pat in the right direction when feet hesitated.

Emma's went to her room and changed into her new Captain Marvel sleep tank top and short set she had gotten the other week. She walked slowly back to her Mom's room after a pit stop in her bathroom for the requested items.

Regina had fastened her necklace and was adjusting the strap of her black peep-toe pump when Emma re-entered. She stood to her full height to regard her daughter. She and Emma both needed a few minutes to quiet their minds over this news and to connect before talking further. Beckoning with a small fluid gesture of her hand. "Come here."

After she came over Emma was turned her around by her shoulders. She stood still and began to relax as the brush worked the tangles free from her unruly curls and her mind over the present issue. After a few minutes she felt her eyes close and she simply enjoyed the quiet soft care coming from those hands. The brush was set aside a minute later and her hair was parted.

Regina began to weave the beloved tresses into a pair of French plaits and tied off the ends before sitting on the edge of the bed. In a well practiced motion she took Emma with her right back up to sit on her lap. Her lips pressed on top the top of a braid and she rested her cheek there for a moment as she spoke. "I'm proud of you, Emma."

A wet breath Emma wasn't aware of holding escaped over that unexpected praise. "But I messed up. Really messed up. Again." Shaking her head Emma moved to look at a red mouth. At the softness there at the corners her eyes went up further to brown eyes that promised something. "Proud for what?"

"For coming to me and telling the rest of the truth. You did that all on your own, knowing I might be upset with you. That was a brave and grown up thing to do." Regina said and hugged her daughter closer.

"So I'm not in trouble?" Emma asked, blushing at the compliment.

"Not in trouble how you might be thinking, no. However, you knowingly kept something from me I should have known about weeks ago until now." Regina stated matter of fact and stood her daughter up between her knees. "I want you to spend some time this evening before bed thinking about the importance of that." Seeing the heavy lids looking at her over wet green eyes she added, "And I think going to bed a little early might be in your best interest tonight too. I suspect this is what has been making sleep hard for you the last few weeks, isn't it?"

Squirming. "Yeah."

Getting a tiny nod from Emma, Regina continued. "I'm not mad baby, not in the least, but I do have feelings on the matter. Tomorrow, we will talk more specifically about your feelings and mine as well as the importance of giving all the information at one time together. Alright?" Gentle for the tears filling those eyes again.

"Okay." Emma mumbled sniffling. She wanted to ask more questions and deep in thought over them she startled when the doorbell rang.

Regina reached for a tissue from her nightstand and held it to the girl's nose. "Blow," and Emma did before she wiped that nose clean. "That is probably Mal or Ashley. Check first and answer the door if it is them please and I'll be right there."

Emma nodded, rubbing her eyes as she descended the stairs. She checked the window and seeing Mal answered the door without their usual silly game of making faces. She said a quiet hello as she was drawn into a hug. That was happening more and more with Mal and she found herself returning the affection easily. She buried her face in Mal's chest as she took in the scent of lavender and mint. Mal smelled like her Mom's herb pantry. Like home and she felt calm come over her with that realization. A warm hand stroked her braids and she heard foot-steps on the stairs.

"Why the long face, Em?" Mal asked, a little concerned for that pensive face, but Emma's head shook. She looked questioningly at Regina.

"Emma is thinking about the importance of telling me the whole truth." Regina stated and came to kiss Mal's cheek. Gently she ran her hand down Emma's other braid as her daughter finally turned to look up at her.

Seeing Mom and daughter might need a moment before they departed, Mal gave Emma one more squeeze and eased back. "I think I'll wait for you in the truck Regina. I saw Ashley walking up the block. She should be here any minute." Then to Emma. "I hope you sleep well, Em. I'll see you in the morning." Mal told the sniffling girl with a kiss to a cheek before going back out the front door.

Regina waited for Emma to find her eyes. "It's going to be alright. We will talk again in the morning, okay?"

Emma nodded her understanding and tried to slip pass Regina up to her room. She was easily caught about the shoulders and pulled in close as her chin was cupped. A thumb ran along her cheek and she leaned into that hand. Maybe it would be okay after all. Maybe what was in the envelope was not that bad.

"I love you, baby."

And those words promised that. "I love you, too." Emma whispered and grimaced as a light knock interrupted the moment. She found anchor in the arm wrapping around her shoulders as her Mom answered the door.

"Hello Ashley. Come on in."

"Thanks Ms. Mills. Hi Emma! I bought _The Princess Bride_ for us to watch tonight." Ashley pulled the DVD out of her backpack with a smile.

For a second Emma felt genuinely happy, before remembering she was supposed to go to bed early. Her face fell as her Mom explained how the evening was to go.

"Well, maybe next week I can bring it over for her to watch." Ashley said as she put her surprise away before pulling out a book. "I also brought the book, which in my opinion is way better than the movie. Is it okay if I read to her before bed?"

"I think she'd like that very much. Wouldn't you Emma?" Regina asked as her daughter bounced at her feet.

"Mmhhmm." Agreeing with a happier nod, but Emma couldn't help asking. "Mom can't I please stay up and watch the movie? I really, really want to see it." Yawning around the last word.

"I know you do, but it will have to be on another night." One more kiss as Regina guided Emma to the stairs. "Go on up and brush your teeth. Ashley will be up soon."

Emma went right up—right to her room and to her window. She watched for a few minutes until Mal's truck drove away. She glanced at her clock and frowned at the time. It was not long before she was supposed to go to sleep. Sighing she went to brush her teeth and by the time she returned Ashley was waiting with the book. Glad for the company, Emma got cozy in bed and listened to a few chapters. Lost in the fantasy and before she it the book was closed and it was time for sleep. Her nightlight was left on and her door open like always as she lay now wide awake in bed without the distraction to lull her to sleep.

Tossing and turning. Mind heavy and full. Emma finally sat up, hugging her knees. Needing to know and knowing she would not sleep a wink until she did, Emma eased out of bed. She tiptoed to the stairwell and peeked through the banister. Ashley had returned to the living room and was pulling out her school books. Quieter still, Emma walked quickly to her Mom's room and eased through the crack.

Her finger's found the switch and light flooded the room. Her eyes winced at the brightness at first and then adjusted. The letter was right where her Mom had left it. She stared at it across the room as she felt her stomach lurch and then took a step back. She needed to know what it said, but not this badly. The promise of talking more in the morning returned to the forefront of her mind. She was supposed to be thinking about the importance of telling the whole truth, but felt like she didn't have the understanding of everything that was at stake to do so. But she hesitated in moving.

She trusted her Mom. There had to be a reason she had not been shown the letter yet. Knew this was not the way to go about getting her answers. Last time had cost them both too much. With a sigh and eyeing the envelope, Emma stepped back out of the room and turned off the light. Back in her room she crawled back into bed, hugging Henry Bear and Lily Dragon tightly as she let the love and trust between them sooth her to sleep.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"She did that?"

Regina nodded wrapping up telling Mal about what had happened with Emma on the way home from the movie and dinner. "I know she didn't understand what she was doing at the time of doing it, but this makes me feel like I have a target on my back with him all over again. I don't fault her at all for wanting to know about her past and my lack of opening up to her is what got us in this situation to begin with. And that is what is most upsetting to me."

Mal pulled into the driveway pondering Regina's ever present internal battle with herself and turned off the engine before she spoke again. "I can look at the form, if you want and draw up a statement claiming was falsified. You didn't sign that visitation paper, Regina. It wouldn't take much to prove that. Regardless, the restraining order you have against him still stands. Emma is not going to visit him anyway, so the visitation really is a harmless piece of paper. It holds no power over you unless you let it."

"Logically I know you are right, but it doesn't feel that way right now. I'd like you to look at the paper though." Regina waited as Mal got out first and came around the truck to open the door for her.

Inside, Regina paid Ashley and was grateful to hear a good report. Together the adults watched the teen cross the street home before going upstairs. Regina peeked in on Emma, happy to see her daughter sleeping soundly and then led Mal to her room at the end of the hall. Mal waited near the bed as Regina retrieved the envelope, handing it to her.

Mal took her time opening the letter and reading, then furrowed her brow over the form's fine print. She checked the envelope, pulling out a carbon copy of something still there tucked at the bottom. As she read further, she moved to sit on the bench at the foot of Regina's bed.

Concerned, Regina went to sit next to her and read over a shoulder. Her breath caught as she took back the additional paper from Mal she'd missed to read for herself.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Emma came awake as she heard voices down the hall. Straining her ears she recognized the blend of Mal's mixing with her Mom's. One sounded upset and muffled as they were, she was not sure who. She winced as she heard a door close. Hard. And sat up in bed wondering over the noise. Then Mal appeared in her doorway, clearly checking on her.

"Em?"

"Yeah." Emma hugged her knees as Mal came into her room and sat on the edge of her bed. "Is Mom okay?" Drawing a conclusion over who had shut a door as a gentle hand took and rubbed both of hers.

"She will be… I'm sorry we woke you." Lifting the covers up, Mal nodded for Emma to lie back down and she tucked the blanket around little shoulders.

"Did you guys fight?"

"No, your Mom just needed some space to think for a bit."

"I get like that too sometimes."

The corner of Mal's mouth turned up. "You and your Mom are a lot alike."

Emma grinned over that idea and then sucked in her bottom lip briefly. "Is she mad at me?"

"No, she isn't. Not in the least." The truth and for who Regina was mad at she needed to be there for now. She leaned down and kissed Emma's forehead. "Try and sleep. There will be time for more talk in the morning."

Sleepy and not wanting to be alone just yet. "Rub my back?"

"Mmhm." Mal hummed, her heart warming at the question and waited for Emma to turn over as she did just that.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::

 

In her office Regina paced, arms crossed tight over her stomach. Full contact. The form Emma had filled out unknowingly had given _him_ full contact. But the worst of it was not her daughter's fault. She didn't blame Emma. She blamed _them_. Her head spun in the dizzy sickness of a past that had not been in her control.

But try and control the aftermath of it she had with every single decision she had made since running away as a teenager. To not be like them. But in doing that it became clear what was driving her to do so and it was exactly what Regina had spent her whole life running from; fear and self doubt. The very same two hands of fear and self doubt her step father had ruled her with, then her mother, and sister and _him_ … They were all there suddenly in her head; their words crashing against her own as she fought to find her voice among them.

Drowning.

She felt like she was drowning in that sea of voices as her throat closed to air. Regina shuddered, lost in her thoughts of self chiding as her throat fought to work again; her voice began to rise up out of the murky waves of _them_. _'No not_ them _or_ him _. He has a name Regina…They all have names.'_ Then the names made it all real again behind her eyes. _'Leopold, Cora, Zelena, Robin.'_

A gasp and then her mind slammed back into the present.

Phone numbers, her work address… information she had kept hidden and protected Robin now had access too. And that original realization had made her move away from Mal, the damn envelope, and the control she was losing to the fear eating the lining of her stomach. Fear she kept giving her power over to. But that was not the worst feeling.

How they had gotten here to begin with was the teeth doing the chewing. Regina had never been good at being vulnerable. Being open. Being real. It was like taking off your skin and willingly stepping out as bait into arena with hungry lions. Being stripped like that with Mal was one thing, with Emma she found it so much harder. She was supposed to protect her daughter as she herself should have been protected. Regina had tried; too much to keep her daughter shielded from the dysfunction of their family tree that Emma had gone searching for answers to a question. Answers Regina should have given over much sooner and would have had it not been for the feeling she felt now.

Vulnerable and stripped as her heart was she tried to breathe through the discomfort of it. This exposure made her shoulders begin to shake and she hugged herself tighter to try and stop her body from taking control. Her whole life she had been guarded, protective of her own heart and then Emma's. That had grown to include Mal too.

And Regina was tired of holding the wall she had put up as a child. To keep everyone out. To keep her feelings inside. Then the wall had begun to come down around her piece by piece; brick by brick tapped away since Emma had come into her life. Now she was down to few bricks left. To let go of the past or not to let go. She wasn't sure which would be easier. But with Emma asleep down the hall and Mal close by she began to realize it may not be as hard to let go as she had been thinking. She just had to do it.

Let go.

As Regina let out the breath she had been holding the shaking intensified and with it she began to let go as the last of the bricks fall away…

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Mal stayed a few minutes rubbing Emma's back as the child began to drift off. Once she was sure Emma was asleep, she quietly made her way down the hall and to the door of Regina's office. Knocking softly she waited until she heard the pacing of heels pause and a garbled mumble to come in. She found Regina looking out the window that faced the city lights in the distance. Closing the door and coming closer Mal could see those shoulder's shaking violently.

"Regina, love."

At that warmth of concern, of that complete understanding that was not even a question between them, something in Regina finally cracked; no broke open and she began gasping and a single cry escaped. Then another. Her sobbing got louder as Mal came up from behind and wrapped arms around her. Regina turned around and exhausted herself of her fears in those arms. Flashes of the past erupted before her eyes. Decades of holding back her pain, bottling her feelings, of _everything_ she had held onto so tightly came rolling in waves down her cheeks and out of her mouth between gasps for air with abandon.

Regina let go. Of all of it.

She cried so hard and so long she nearly made herself sick. Mal just held her; stroking her hair and back as the past was purged through the salt burning her eyes.

Regina buried her face in that chest, feeling Mal's steadfastness beat against her and wiped at her eyes. Suddenly she was mad at herself for losing it, but then lost that feeling entirely. Those tears had felt damn _good_ coming out. Had needed to come out so long ago. Still she tried to explain, but those words would not come out. Tried to get back that feeling of control she was used to, but it kept slipping down her cheeks instead. So Regina gave in again and simply let them keep coming.

Mal's fingers stroked dark hair as Regina went limp with exhaustion against her several minutes later. When it was clear Regina was unsteady, she lifted the woman she loved as if she weighed nothing at all and carried her to the master bedroom. She set Regina on the bed and crouched down to begin to ease heels off her love's feet. Then she rested her hands palm up on Regina's thighs and waited until those smaller hands rested in her own. Mal stayed crouched; just there listening as Regina needed her to when red lips began to speak.

"I'm sorry you're seeing me like this."

There was a sense of acceptance in that tone Mal had never heard before. It wasn't heavy. It wasn't light. It just simply was. And Mal realized who was speaking. This raw voice belonged to a part of Regina she had longed to meet. The child inside the woman who had never had her needs met, who had to hide her feelings, bear the weight of responsibility for a mentally unstable sister and parents who did unspeakable things. The inner child who needed her to understand all the broken pieces that were trying to fit back together.

Mal shifted forward waiting until she had those unveiled brown eyes on hers. "I see you, Regina. Really see _you_ and I'm not sorry in the least."

Lips rolled in as she nodded. Regina's eyes filled again. In that understanding she found more of the words she had been searching for. "For a long time I let the past rule my life. I let the people in it dictate how I lived and how I would love. I closed off my heart from it for so long because I was afraid of being hurt again." Regina let her truth slip out as she tasted her tears once more. They were not nearly as bitter as they had been before. She watched as Mal began to gently rub circles with the pads of two thumbs in the middle of her palms as she continued. "Then Emma came to me and everything I thought I knew about love and how to protect my heart I began to question. And now I realize I let my past become dependent on my current happiness."

Mal paused in her movement, taking in those words Regina seemed to be speaking more for herself than to her at the moment.

"And if I have learned anything in the last few years it is that I can be happy." Brown eyes met blue ones. "I was just looking for it too hard and too long in the wrong places. When I least expected it, happiness was put right in front of me."

"Emma." Mal chimed in with a small smile.

"Emma." Regina returned that smile only just and looked down at their joined hands. "And now you, too. In my office it was overwhelmingly clear to me what I have been doing by stuffing my feelings and I can't keep doing that. I won't do that anymore." Her words gave way to her fatigue as Mal stood. Tired, but her soul and heart were much lighter than before. It was a heady feeling that made her dizzy and she was more than done with words tonight.

Mal gently began to work the zipper down on Regina's black dress. And on went a soft cotton tank instead. Going to the bathroom and returning, she used a cool cloth to wipe swollen eyes. Regina simply allowed her to do these things; this tender care between them. Back her love lay against a pillow and Mal changed quickly before coming to lay at Regina's back. Curled around that small question that had never been able to ask for comfort needed in the past, Mal answered by holding Regina close to her heart throughout the night.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Emma awoke blurry eyed to the smell of turkey bacon cooking. It was tempting, but she turned over on her stomach anyway to bury her face in her pillow intent on going right back to sleep. Then the memory of last night crept up on her and she sat up, remembering she needed to talk to her Mom. As she made her bed and on her way downstairs she thought about what to say about what she almost did last night with the envelope and came up tongue tied by the time she reached the kitchen. She heard humming and popped her head around the corner.

"Mal?"

The woman turned slightly, with a pitcher of apple juice she'd finished pouring into three glasses. "Good morning, I hope you're hungry. All of this food won't eat itself." Indicating the plates of toast and eggs.

"Apple butter?" Emma asked automatically before she saw it in her place sitting by the juice. She liked that Mal remembered these things about her and how her food needed to be so she could eat. She sat at her place at the table.

"Always and save some for me." Mal moved to join Emma with a wink after giving a kiss of greeting on top of that head.

"Where's Mom?" Asking around a mouthful of toast.

"She was up quite late last night, though I imagine she'll be awakening soon. And when she does, I thought you might like to take her up breakfast in bed. You two could do with a bit of snuggle time I think."

Emma eyed the breakfast tray Mal pointed to on the counter. A plate of bacon, fruit, juice and coffee. It even had a small vase with a flower from the garden. She smiled back, liking the idea very much.

 

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Very carefully Emma eased into her Mom's bedroom and set the tray on the vanity. The girl opened the drapes, letting the morning sun settle on the carpet. At this motion the figure in the bed stirred lightly.

"Emma?" Regina forced herself upward, grimacing at the ache her body held from the late night and all her crying. Her eyes hurt, but her heart felt better than it had in a very long time. She straightened her pillows against the headboard and propped herself up to sit.

"I brought you some breakfast. Mal made it." She brought the tray over to her Mom. The small smile she got for her action made her give one in return. Climbing up to sit, Emma leaned in against a shoulder as the tray was settled across a lap.

They looked at each other for a long moment before Regina spoke. "Baby, about last night—"

"Please, can we just have a little time like this before we talk?" Emma asked for what she needed and snuggled up close.

Regina nodded and wrapped her arm around her daughter. She sipped her coffee and Emma began to nibble on the bacon as she pondered the talk ahead in silence. Then she let go of that idea entirely in favor of being present in the moment. Regina focused on feeling Emma's weight and warmth curled into her. The sound of her daughter chewing. The taste of coffee and the smell of Emma's shampoo all kept her right where she needed to be as she leaned over to kiss that blonde bed head good morning.

 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

"I'll work on the paperwork to revoke the forms at my office and call you when it's done." Mal explained, as she gathered her keys from the table by the front door.

"I appreciate it and thank you…. for this morning and last night. I wasn't myself." Regina admitted, meeting those eyes with a hint of apology still riding in their depths.

Mal smiled tenderly and cupped Regina's chin in a sweet caress. "I think perhaps it was not the self you are used to, but one that needed to be able to come out for a moment. And that's okay and something we will keep working on together." With that truth, she kissed Regina's full lips.

Lingering, Regina felt a piece of herself leaving when their lips parted and decided then and there she didn't want to spend another day without one assurance. "Come home after?" The invitation more than clear for what she meant and needed going forward.

"Right _home_. And I really like the sound of that. Let's talk more about it tonight." Mal agreed easily, loving that word coming from Regina. Giving one more kiss of promise, she slipped out into the heat of the day.

Regina watched Mal drive away before she turned back towards the living room where her child sat in wait. She came to sit right next to Emma, taking those hands into her own. Before she could begin Emma squeezed her hands in earnest.

"I need to tell you something else Mom." Licking her lips Emma tried to read those eyes as she explained almost looking in the envelope last night. A dark brow rose over her words, but dropped and softened by the time she got to the part where she didn't actually look and why she went back to bed. She sat in wait and wonder over her Mom's silence.

Regina felt a lot of things all at once; proud that Emma didn't give into an impulse to invade her privacy, relief that their talk over trust seemed to be sticking, and concern in the worry creasing that little brow. But first she hugged her daughter and felt some of the worry leaving Emma with her touch. "Thank you for telling me baby."

"Is that why you were mad last night and you closed the door so loud?" Thinking her Mom might have somehow known about her excursion.

"No Emma. I didn't know until you told me and I'm not mad about that at all."

"But you were mad about something last night."

Nodding Regina knew she had to be honest. "I was angry at myself for not sharing more with you about your father before this whole thing happened. That anger brought out a few feelings I didn't realize I needed to deal with about my childhood. I stuffed my feelings over my past for so long that when I tried to do that again there was simply no room left inside of me to keep doing that. I couldn't stop it from coming out."

Emma thought she understood that feeling all too well and then wondered something. "Why did Mal take the envelope with her?" She had seen Mal with it earlier coming downstairs before she had been directed to wait in the living room. Her tummy flipped as her Mom explained about the carbon copy paper and Emma began to understand what her Mom must have been feeling more and more last night. She remembered now too clearly in her haste at the jail exactly what she had written, not thinking about her actions at all.

Emma started to shake realizing what she had given the man whom had raped her Mom; full contact. Emma felt her breakfast crawling back up her throat. All in a blurry anxious haste her hand had written that information to get an answer her Mom had not been ready to give.

She bit her lip. Hard. "I'm sorry. Mom I am. I really didn't realize what I did. " Emma stopped and looked up at her Mom with welling eyes, then dropped her face in favor of looking at her toes curling up way too tight in her socks.

Regina caught her daughter's chin, lifting. Soft and reassuring. "We talked already about the jail visit. That incident is done and forgiven. I want that to be very clear to you."

Emma nodded her understanding, some more anxiety over this whole thing leaving.

"What I was upset about earlier yesterday evening is the fact that you didn't tell me everything about what happened that day. I understand it was not intentional in the beginning, but once you realized you had forgotten you should have told me. You kept that information hidden for weeks until the envelope showed up. You forged my name on a second paper I didn't know about, until last night." Regina sighed, rubbing her thumb along Emma's cheek. "The information you wrote down gives him permission for contact to you through letters and calls. While that initially worried me, but it can be reversed."

"You can fix it?" Emma's head tilted at that small hope.

"Mal is going to work on that, but it will take a little time."

Emma grew teary eyed and twisted her night shirt in her hands. "I tried hard to be good and tell you."

Regina softened even more at the girl's contrition, drawing Emma up into her lap. "You are good Emma. Always, my good sweet girl. And you did tell me, both times and I know that was hard for you, but you did it anyway because it was the right thing to do." Her daughter yawned and snuggled in under her chin. It seemed like both of them had not gotten much rest last night. "Right now though I think we could both use a bit more shut eye. How does a nap sound?"

A little nose wrinkled and then thought that offer through. "In your bed? With you?"

"With me in my bed."

"Good then." Emma agreed and was surprised to be lifted up into those arms as she used to be when she was younger. She wiggled some as her legs found their familiar place around a pair of hips. "Aren't I too big?"

"You are never too big for me to hold you."

Emma liked that idea and she rested her head on her Mom's shoulder as she was carried upstairs. They went right into the master bedroom. She was set on the bed and as the drapes were drawn she worked the covers down before her Mom joined her at the side of the bed.

"Last night when you were sad, did Mal help you feel better?" Remembering how much she had liked thinking about that idea when Mal had tucked her back in last night. "Cause you look happier today."

"She did." Regina helped Emma the rest of the way under the covers. "We talked a little bit about happiness too."

"Does Mal make you happy?

"She does."

"Are you gonna get married then?"

A small smile bloomed as Regina smoothed some stray curls away from that questioning mouth. "Maybe one day."

She leaned into that hand. "Do I make you happy?"

Regina cupped Emma's cheek, rubbing a thumb there gently. "Always and I first found my bit of happiness because of you."

"Happiness is a person then." Thinking she might understand.

"It can be for some, but for me it's more about learning how to love myself and realizing new beginnings are possible. Like I got a second chance to be happy once I decided I deserve to be. With you and now too with Mal.

"You can't find someone or something if you don't know they are missing." Emma said, now sure she understood her Mom.

"Exactly." Regina tapped Emma's nose playfully, earning a sleepy grin. "And for a long time I didn't know who that someone was. And then you came into my life."

A nose wrinkled. "What'd I do?"

"You taught me something I had once thought was not possible for me. You're always teaching me something."

"Like you teach me stuff." Emma agreed snuggling under the covers. "We're good at that."

Regina nodded. "We are in the best way."

Sleepy. "So what I'd teach you?"

Soft and sure as she ever was of anything. "That good can come from broken."

Emma's brows joined briefly as her eyes grew heavy. "Like fixing something."

"More like rebuilding it a different way. Better and stronger than before."

"You were broken once." Not a question Emma's mouth yawned around.

Regina pulled up the covers and tucked them around Emma close as she lay down next to her daughter. She ran her finger over little knuckles that peeked over the sheet. "Once I was not so long ago." And now not nearly so much. Not all of her past was healed. There would always be scars, certainly. But right now, in this moment Regina had her own bit of serendipity right in her arms and even more would be coming home before the day was done.

"Mom…" Green eyes began to close as Emma felt a kiss wish her happy dreams on her cheek. "What made you not so broken anymore?"

Regina tucked Emma right up under her chin next to her heart and when they were safely cocooned together she let the happiness she found speak. "I learned how to love again and I had the very best teacher helping me along the way."

One last sweet whisper. "Who?"

"You baby. From the very beginning it was always you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – Long journey, but we made it! Thank you for sharing their story with me. This has been a whirlwind of reflection and healing for me too. I would love to hear your favorite part or what resonated with you about the story or characters. Please consider a review or comment for this work and to those that have already – thank you so much!
> 
> My next work: The votes are in on my Tumblr and my profile. I will be working diligently to bring you Part 2 of A Special Delivery sometime in mid June. It's called A Package Deal. Cover art will be reveled on my Tumblr in the coming weeks and I will post to the last chapter of A Special Delivery letting readers know.
> 
> All the best,
> 
> LittleSwanLover


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